My opiate withdrawal

[Monsieur]

So yeah, this is my official kick thread. I will probably be checking back in frequently in attempts to keep myself sane. This is my first time documenting my experience and I hope it will serve as a reinforcing method to keep me from relapsing.

Background: I have been using opiates for 7 years, with year number 4 being a bit problematic and now year number 7 being even more problematic than number 4.

I kicked rather easy in year number 4 with a lotta booze and a vacation to the beach.

I'm not so lucky this time. This time, I have to sweat it in the discomfort of my own home- constantly reminded of the bills I am not able to pay and the housework I really do not feel like doing.

Besides year number 4 and the last 5 months of year number 7, my habit was a weekend habit.

3 months of suboxone use 5/7 days per week is what got me back in this boat. The withdrawal from bupe is a real pain in the ass. I know it's worked miracles for a lot of ppl, but that shit really fucks up my neurochemistry.

I was going to the methadone clinic for two months. Got up to 90mg, went back down to 50mg before I stopped going. Quit for 2 days, then did 2mg of subutex for 4 days. Quit for 3 days, then started taking various short-acting opiates again- hydro-/oxycodone, oxymorphone, hydromorphone, etc. I made it a point to stay away from long-acting opiates to avoid marathon W/Ds... Hopefully it pays off.

Last dose: This morning at roughly noon- 30mg IV'd oxy and 15mg oral oxy. I got zero high from this and it just kept the dopesickness at bay for a few hours. I was a bit let down I did not get high, but since I didn't the W/Ds should not be as bad since I essentially did a 4 day taper with oxy, going down a bit each day.


Goals: For now, I just want to at least get 3 months clean under my belt. Can't say I will never do opiates again, but I would really love it if that were the case. For now, 3 months is my goal.


Fears: My UNI finals are quickly coming up on me and I am far behind as it is. The anxiety is already kicking in when thinking about all the catching up I have to do if I want to get anything close to a passing grade.

I'm VERY afraid of the lethargy, lack of motivation, and not having the ability to feel joy while doing activities with my family.

Unfortunately, the symptoms I'm most afraid of are the ones that last the longest... And that scares me even more

Plan(s) of Action(s): I have been exercising religiously for the past week so my body is used to the soreness by the time I am out of dope. I used to be an Fn HASS and it's nice to feel my muscles coming back into it. Once the worst is over, I plan on going back to my Jiu Jitsu and kickboxing gym, as that's the happiest I've been in my recent life and although, while I used opiates at that time, it wasn't anything for me to turn them down and for sure felt like I didn't need them. I even made many pick-ups and deliveries for friends without the slightest craving. I think it had something to do with surplus of natural endorphins from all the exercise I got from the MMA gym. Got my resting heart rate down to 50 bpm at this point time. Now, it's back up to about 65 bpm, so it's still "got it" somewhat, but there is MUCH room for improvement.

So yeah, anytime I get a craving, I intend to engage my body in some type of workout to get my natural endorphins back on track as soon as possible. This should also re-wire my brain's sense of action/reward.


I am NOT going to let my ass go idle as it seems that when I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself is when my cravings are the worst. Although it may be painful/undesired to go about my housekeeping duties, I plan to power through them and get shit down to further reinforce the proper action/reward circuitry that has been short-circuited by the opiates.

I may even get some new strings for my guitar that I haven't touched in a long time and (re)learn a few chilled out reggae, ska, or Sublime songs. This should also expedite the creation of HEALTHY neurons, causing my brain to focus less on all the endorphin receptors it has created from my fiendish use that are no longer getting any natural endorphins from my lackluster neurotransmitters.

I HAVE to get caught up on my schoolwork. If not, I face academic punishment for my pathetic performance thus far.

I may even start a blog or something to further occupy my time in a healthy manner. I've always loved to write.


Pros: After reading what a lot of ppl go through, I feel lucky that my W/Ds are relatively mild compared to what they describe. It may be my naturally high pain tolerance.

But, the diarrhea doesn't bother me too much, and I can sleep fine as long as I smoke some high grade before bed.

Cons: The psychological W/Ds are what have been my scapegoat these past 5-6 months. I just can't stand not feeling joy when being around my beautiful family. I hate not having the motivation to go about my daily routine. As previously stated, these are the symptoms that last the longest. SUXORS!


Timeline: As of right now, I am pushing 11 hours without using opiates (oxycodone) and am already feeling the lethargy and anxiety coming on and am dreading what is to come. However, I am very excited about my future life without being enslaved to a chemical. I already know it will be a war with my brain and my heart to get myself out of bed in the morning.


I will post back as I see necessary. Wish me luck! Feel free to offer suggestions as well.

 

[Pagey]

Good luck! I'm sure you can do it.
Just one thing - you said you plan on exercizing whenever you get a craving, but that's unlikely to work in the first few days when you're really really sick - do you have any plan for then? Could be good to get one, something to keep your mind busy until you can exercize again.

 

[Monsieur]

@Pagey- Honestly, I just plan to power through an exercise or at least just do my favorite stretching routine. It's a very good one I learned from Elliot Hulse. I'll post the vid to it at the bottom of this post.

Timeline: Well, I'm coming up on 24 hours since my last dose. Definitely not feeling as optimistic as I was yesterday. Woke up every couple hours to take a raging piss. Idk what it is about withdrawal, but fluids just go right through me. Usually I only need to wake up once to piss. Also, sleep was very interrupted. Felt the tension in my lower back and shoulders. GAH that's the worst! SO uncomfortable! Nevertheless, I did manage to get about 6 quality hours of sleep which ain't too bad, I guess.

I woke up and force fed myself my vitamins, amino tabs, green grass/acai antioxidant drink mix, ibuprofen, oatmeal, banana, and a piece of fried tenderloin I made last night. I like to drink Gatorade in the morning, as well, just to ensure I get properly hydrated to start off with.

I have a lot of laundry to do. I have some dishes to do. Might run the vacuum for an hr or so.

After that, I plan to do something with my daughter. Usually stuff like that makes me feel thankful for what I do have and helps me focus less on the dope, even though it seems like I don't get any joy out of doing (WORST part of it all!).

Also plan to visit my two buddies' graves today (T- died at 23, C- died at 22) they're buried within 20 feet of each other. T died from shooting up what I believe was bad dope. C died (on his wedding night) from taking too much methadone and klonopin. This should help with my perspective.

That's it for now..

 

[badfish45]

Get rid of all of your drug paraphernalia of course, cut off all your drug connections and make a list of the times you crave drugs. Is it when you're bored, sad, stressed, or even happy? From there make a plan on how to divert your cravings in a more effective manner. Go to an NA meeting and get some sober ties and sober friends. Hopefully you can have your family back you up on this but I understand that family isn't always so understanding and that you might prefer to keep this to yourself. You're doing a great thing for your life, and I hope that getting back into your old hobbies proves to be very effective in quitting.

 

[Monsieur]

Well- wife got sick. Brought her to hospital and they promptly shot some morphine into her. Yep, craving from hell.

Brought my schoolwork with me but it's really hard to concentrate long enough to get anything notable completed. All I can thi k about is how I'm so far behind. Hopefully I can manage to finish this semester with minimal repremandation from the School.

Figured now would be a good time for a confession. I'm essentially a closet addict. Only a few ppl know I do opiates. I stole a good portion of dilaudid, hydros, and oxys from my parents and they never suspected it. They even started locking up the house after they noticed the missing pills. They fuxking trusted me enough to give me a key.

Makes me feel like a real piece of shit looking back on it. I let my fiend of a sister take the fall. They never thought twice.

No one ever suspects me of being a junky. I'm like the mastermind of my own unraveling- operating with stunning efficiency similar to an elite commando. Leave the place a wreck, leave the scene, and nobody ever had a clue I was there. Except me.


Oh and yeah my phone is out of minutes and I plan on keeping it that way for a while nobody could reach me unless they came to my house. My junky friends are too self-absorbed to take the time to do that. Luckily the hospital has wifi which is how I'm posting this now.

Man, can't wait until I feel normal again!

 

[Sepher]

I was going to the methadone clinic for two months. Got up to 90mg, went back down to 50mg before I stopped going. Quit for 2 days, then did 2mg of subutex for 4 days. Quit for 3 days, then started taking various short-acting opiates again- hydro-/oxycodone, oxymorphone, hydromorphone, etc. I made it a point to stay away from long-acting opiates to avoid marathon W/Ds... Hopefully it pays off.

I think you're wise not to stay on methadone. If your life is so chaotic and the behaviours so risky that liquid handcuffs for a while is better than not using it then sure, no brainer but that doesn't sound like the case here? Developing a worse opiate habit as they titrate you to blockading therapeutic levels and maintaining for a long period before reducing down enough to jump off into a long withdrawal is not a sensible way forward in most cases if it can be at all avoided. You say you think your symptoms are relatively mild anyways? Fuck methadone then, no use to you.

I just can't stand not feeling joy when being around my beautiful family. I hate not having the motivation to go about my daily routine. As previously stated, these are the symptoms that last the longest. SUXORS!

Yup, that's about the worst part and yeah it takes a while to get past that. Some months at least typically but it will pass, all the sooner if you can just avoid using and give your brain chance to recover.

Brought my schoolwork with me but it's really hard to concentrate long enough to get anything notable completed. All I can think about is how I'm so far behind. Hopefully I can manage to finish this semester with minimal repremandation from the School.

Leave this for now if it's a struggle. Doubt you're gonna have the attention span or concentration required when in peak withdrawal, will just be frustrating and stressing. Pick it up soon as you feel your focus returning coming out of withdrawal, you'll be much better equipped for it. Few days won't make so much difference, will it?

How you feeling today? Expect worse than yesterday by a good bit day two if I know anything about opiate withdrawal ( and I know plenty! ) Hang in there! Best of luck, hope the worst is soon over for you. Another day nearer to that already.

 

[Monsieur]

Timeline: ~48 hrs since last dose, about 40 hrs since withdrawal kicked in. With all honesty, I think the so-called "taper" I did really helped. My back isn't aching today, knee hurts a bit, though. Got a relatively decent sleep last night, about 6 quality hrs with 3 tossing and turning wishing I could go back to sleep. My shoulders and back didn't start getting tension until the tossing and turning started. 6 hours is good, though, just wish I could sleep more of this off.

The lethargy is still there, though. Anxiety still a bitch. Bout to power through a mild workout which should help for a couple hours. No motivation to do anything productive. Will probably spend the rest of the day playing Halo 4 and watching youtube vids. However, I have a Chem test tomorrow so I have to at least attempt some form of study and aim for a C or better to avoid academic probation. Been doing shitty in that class but the final is a couple weeks away and if I Ace that (which is what I usually do on all tests), then I should walk out ugly- but with a win.


Thanks for the kind words. And yeah, compared to what I've read from other ppl with similar habits, my withdrawals are comparably mild. I feel VERY grateful for this despite my lethargy. I think this is due to me continuing to work out and being in generally good health despite the dependency- I've managed to maintain eating healthy and my workouts, although I wasn't really getting "bigger", just maintaining what I haven't already lost.

I did some brain games on Lumosity last night and I ranked in the 85th percentile which isn't too bad for my first time I guess. However, while attempting to keep from gloating, I usually rate in the 99th in these types of things. I'm usually near the top of my class as well. So, while I may be performing "above average" already, I'm still not operating at my best- and the frustrates me very much. I've always took pride in the power of my brain. Hell, in HS, I rarely even did any homework- spent all my time smoking weed and drinking beer, and managed to stay at the top of my Honors class... Until I got arrested for the 2nd time at age 17 and just decided to get my GED while in there. (Missed one question, 99th percentile again). So, needless to say, this not being able to focus and learn new concepts with ease is very frustrating and scary to me.

^About how long does it take for the ability to focus and learn at optimum rates return? Please tell me it at least gets SOMEWHAT back to normal. Hell, even Marcus Aurelius becamse addicted to opium... Isn't it strange how opiates tend to gravitate toward ppl who seem wise/intelligent on the outside?

Also, the Immodium does a great job at keeping the stomach at bay. Wish I would have invested in that shit a LOT sooner!


The supplements I've been taking are: Optimum Nutrition 2222 Amino tabs- they have a SHITLOAD of aminos, not just tyrosine. True Athlete Whole Food vitamins (DON'T get Centrum, or any vitamins from Wal-Mart, a lot of those brands are related to the evil companies that flood the streets with these opioids. Go to a Vitamin Shoppe/GNC{<-- Vitamin Shoppe tends to be cheaper} and get some REAL vitamins.) Amazing Grass 15,000 ORAC grass/acai powdered mix. I have a hard time forcing down veggies while in withdrawal so this helps me get all the goodies organic veggies provide in a single glass.

 

[mrflowers00]

i hope you make it it's damn hard to quit opioids

 

[uno22]

6 hours of sleep is really good, you're lucky

 

[Monsieur]

6 hours of sleep is really good, you're lucky

Yeah, I know, and it makes me feel like a bitch for complaining as much as I do.


But, I wanted to run something by you ppl here. I've ran it by my wife but, although I love her, she does whatever I tell her to, so I wanna run it by some other ppl. And, since I'm not talking to any of my friends who know about my habit and none of my other friends know about my habit... You guys are the only other option.


Since thinking about my schoolwork right now seriously stresses me the fuck out.. If I continue to play this mental game of current, I know I'm gonna rationalize myself into a relapse.

And, honestly, thinking about getting a job makes feel somewhat decent. I think taking a semester or two off of school would give me some time to deal with what I'm going through, pay off a bit of debt, get some things I'm wanting (such as a new keyboard and bass guitar), and reinforce a healthy sense of cause/effect (reward). I have a lot of very good warehouse experience so I'm pretty sure I could get a semi-decent paying job relatively easily.


What do you guys think? Feel free to provide some inconvenient truths .

P.S.- took my daughter out today. Didn't help at all. Seeing all the "normal" families so happy just made me feel guilty that I was faking what little emotion I was showing.

 

[herbavore]

^ All those perfect families are covering up their own secrets--maybe not yours, but I guarantee there is not a family that has not dealt with addiction somewhere in their particular constellation. It is a family disease. I really believe that. Sure, it starts with the person that gets addicted. Then everyone plays out their roles as they try to make an untenable situation work. I found that keeping secrets (from my son, for my son, with my son, etc.) became my sickness and I had to stop. I started talking to people openly about what was going on mostly because the judgement heaped on my son pissed me off but also because I am not good at secrets--they divide people and just compound the problems. Really, you have to let that one go. It's an illusion and only serves to make you feel shame which is one of the worst things undermining recovery.

You sound like you are very determined, smart and capable of a lot of discipline. Focus on the positives in your family, in yourself, in life in general. It will help you stay the course.

As far as quitting school for a couple of semesters, how close are you to finishing? I am not a big believer in artificial timetables, especially when you have other more pressing things to attend to, but at the same time if you are almost done, maybe you could just power through and lower your expectations a notch as far as grades go? IDK if graduate school is in your plans--then I guess that would not be a good plan. If you are in graduate school however I would say as long as you can pass, go for it. Could you tell us a little more about school? As I'm writing this I realize that there are lots of factors that could make me say conflicting things.

 

[Monsieur]

I have two years left before I get my Engineering degree (Bachelor's).

 

[endlessnameless]

A very interesting thread. Subscribed; thanks for posting. I'm kicking myself at the moment so its all very timely reading for me.

I'll keep my eye on it and chime in from time to time if its necessary. I wish you all the best my friend.

 

[Monsieur]

Timeline: Day 3- It's been roughly 72 hrs and I feel a lot better. Got a full 8hrs sleep with about 1 more hour tossing and turning. No diarrhea but I think that's because all the loperamide I've been taking. Relatively no aches.

Anxiety is still there but seems to be waning. Motivation still low. General sense of well-being is still lost.

I guess as of now the physical side is basically over, unless they decide to come back unexpectedly. I don't expect taht to happen, though, since my last opioid consumed was oxycodone for the last 4 days. If it were methadone or heavy suboxone dose I would surely still be in physcial withdrawal.

Now, I just need to learn how to overcome the psychological side of things. Found an old bag in my car that held some hydros at one time. Did get a craving but quickly threw away the bag and listened to a quick reggae tune and it passed. It seems music is my savior at this point in time.

As soon as I get my motivation back I will be fine. Hopefully it's sooner rather than later. Don't you guys think that since my physical symptoms passed faster than avg. that my psychological ones will, as well? Hope so.

I did start marking off days on a calender, which feels nice. Gives me something to work for, in a sense. Kind of reminds of my days in juvenile corrections, though lol...

 

[johngalt10]

You are supplying ideas to me. Please continue. I only took heroin two weeks, snorting about 3 grams. I am on second day of going without. My main complaint is depression and not feeling the joy with grand kids and wife. Physical symptoms are very slight. I can easily get more clumps of it and continue but now I look at that euphoria as false and dependent on the level of nerve endings covered by morphine. Still very tempted. Crazy the way I was introduced to it. Stay on course and don't give up if lapse. I know it's gonna be difficult to study and maybe feel strange and unsure. Will try the exercise idea.

 

[Sepher]

Hey monsieur. Good to hear you're feeling better already at day three. I think that bodes well, unusually fast recovery I think. Certainly with heroin day three is hellish, worst day for most people, forget about sleeping. I think the same is generally true of hydros / oxies though I've no personal experience. If you're getting 8 hours sleep at this point you're doing very well indeed.

Will psychological addiction follow a similar pattern? Difficult to say. The mechanism is entirely different so i don't think you can necessarily extrapolate from the physical withdrawal, though the faster and easier the withdrawal the quicker the brain chemistry will come back into some kind of balance so I think that particular contributory factor to craving may diminish rapidly at least. There are other factors involved in craving though I think that are independent of brain chemistry, learned behaviours you will have to unlearn for example.

What are your thoughts now on college? I wasn't sure what to advise earlier so chose not to comment but if you're going into recovery already it may be easier to catch up than you initially thought, the focus and motivation should return quite quickly I feel, particularly as your mood improves once properly clean. Can be a quite energising period early recovery, quite motivating now you're free of the opiate lethargy with hours to fill that were previously spent getting high and nodding out if you can turn it to good use. Filling that time will be useful also in its own right, you'll need something to do. I was inclining towards you staying with it anyways. IME taking a break from uni turning your motivation towards work and stuff sets up a lifestyle pattern that you get comfortable with, makes it hard to go back to less money and the commitment needed for long study. I'd stick with and try to do the necessary if at all possible, and I think it is doable, depending on you.

Well done on chucking the baggie you found BTW. That too bodes well for you. Clearly the determination is there and the recovery is in progress cos if you can chuck opiates away when your body has been crying out for them you are very much winning the battle. Onwards and upwards, I have every faith you can do this and rid yourself of these evil disease we call opiate addiction once and for all and never look back. :D

 

[Monsieur]

I'm telling you, man, nutrition and exercise is the key to this.

I've read a lot about the neurochemistry behind all of this.

I know a lot of feels emotional, but it's just because of the parts of your brain responsible for emotion are imbalances because of the dope.

You get sort of a double whammy when you kick after using for a while or even heavy doses for a short time.

What happens is your brain's transmitters shut down or decrease natural endorphin production significantly. AND, to deal with the extra endorphins in the brain, your brain CREATES more receptors- this is what causes tolerance.

So, when you stop using, you have EXTRA receptors seeking endorphins from transmitters that aren't even capable of satisfying your original amount of receptors you had before the dope.

On top of that, when you're high you sort of "put off" worrying about every day stresses. However, that doesn't mean they go away. What happens is- when you aren't high, those stresses are stacked on top of each other.

Another double whammy.

So, in total, it's a literal quadruple whammy as you're trying to deal with your stresses that have stacked on top of each other with your already imbalances brain.

It really is neurophysiological, but if you're the OWNER of that brain, it feels like much more than science taking place.


Being a health nut, I'm aware that medicine is good food and good food is medicine. If you give your body the time and resources to correct itself, it will. However, your reward system has a hard time overcoming that "instant" gratification that it learns dope can give.

That's the hard part.

However, I do believe that exercise expedites this process. Oxygen is the lifeblood of humans. It regulates MANY functions- including healing, which is what us junkies need our brain to do. And, exercising pumps more oxygen into the body/brain and expedites the process, in my opinion.

It will also raise testosterone levels naturally, which also equates to faster healing as well as more drive/energy.

The brain is plastic. Meaning it CAN heal itself (despite what the old anti-drug propagandists used to say). If youve caused damage to your brain, it's possible for it to grow back even stronger than before- assuming you've provided it the proper stimuli, nutrition, and time.


When you look at it scientifically, it makes it sound way easier than it actually is. Everyone who's went through this knows the agony an imbalances brain can cause and it's much more subjective than a bunch of scientific Mumbo Jumbo. "I just want FEEL better!" Well, you have to start LIVING better before that can happen. And it's not going to happen overnight.


Now that I think about it... From all the other times I've kicked before- it does take about as long as moderate-sized scab to heal before you start feeling noticeably better. (For me, anyways)

Maybe paying attention to a scab one ALREADY has on his body (dont make a new one on purpose) during withdrawal could be a way to approximate how long it will take you to feel better? Everyone's timeline is different, perhaps b/c of the ability of an individual's body to heal itself, and maybe relating how long it takes your flesh wounds to heal will give you better insight on your own timeline instead of reading someone else's and expecting to have the same one? Of course, different habits can cause larger "brain wounds", just speculating here.

Disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor. Just a semi-educated junky motivated to learn about this stuff for the purpose of fixing the imbalances I've manifested in my brain.

 

[Monsieur]

Sepher, thanks for posting back.

My thoughts now on college? Honestly, it fills me with anxiety the more I think about it. I've missed so many classes, am so far behind, and am already nearly failing my chemistry class. This all due to being high or skipping to get high. I really don't think I have it in me to finish this semester strong.

Also, I know my professors are fed up with my lack of performance and I feel ashamed when I go to class sober (b/c of what I did when I was high), which causes me to skip class when I'm sober. Skipped my Spanish class today, to be honest.

I tried studying my Chemistry last night but I wasn't able to focus. And, when I could focus, all I could focus on is how far behind/fucked I am, which draws my attention away from learning, obviously.

Idk, maybe a sit-down with my counselor would bear something fruitful? Just tell him the truth and see what happens? I've been a very strong performer my whole career so they know I have some potential.

The only problem is, it's past the date to be a le to withdraw from class with a "W", which I believe translates into Fs.

 

[Sepher]

OK, so you're 'nearly failing'. You haven't failed yet so there is still time for remedial action. As I said earlier now is not a good time to properly assess focus and motivation. You're in a fucked up way in regards to that right now, give it more time, see where you are in a week or so. Enlisting the support of counselling services and / or talking to your professors is definitely something you should attempt, see what help they're prepared to offer, how much slack they're prepared to give while you still have options. My first attempt at a degree I left it too late and all they could give was a retake of the year. I didn't have the finances that would allow for that at the time. Second attempt my lecturers gave me a lot of help. Don't know how it works where you are but I had referral and deferral available. Basically deadline extensions, one allowed for full grades, the other allowed only a passing grade but it got me through year one. Unfortunately discovered heroin year two in a big way and fucked it up but the help was always there when I asked for it early enough. Do it.

 

[motherofearth]

OK, so you're 'nearly failing'. You haven't failed yet so there is still time for remedial action. As I said earlier now is not a good time to properly assess focus and motivation. You're in a fucked up way in regards to that right now, give it more time, see where you are in a week or so. Enlisting the support of counselling services and / or talking to your professors is definitely something you should attempt, see what help they're prepared to offer, how much slack they're prepared to give while you still have options. My first attempt at a degree I left it too late and all they could give was a retake of the year. I didn't have the finances that would allow for that at the time. Second attempt my lecturers gave me a lot of help. Don't know how it works where you are but I had referral and deferral available. Basically deadline extensions, one allowed for full grades, the other allowed only a passing grade but it got me through year one. Unfortunately discovered heroin year two in a big way and fucked it up but the help was always there when I asked for it early enough. Do it.

This is good advice. That catastrophic fuck it mentality has wrought some destruction down upon my academic track record in the past. So much so I've completely abandoned semesters of undergrad and grad school - just jumped ship! Talking to your councelor or academic adviser is a good idea. Many advisers understand addiction problems, as it is not all too uncommon for peoples' performances to suffer in college due to substance abuse. Perhaps gauge what kind of person the counselor is and make a judgment about how much to reveal to them.

In terms of exercise, I'm on day 3 of heroin withdrawals right now and do not feel too worse for wear. Mainly I attribute this to the subs, but I feel noticeably better b/c I'm getting off my ass. I rode 4 miles on my bike yesterday and today I got up in the morning and ran a mile. I'm hoping to walk 4-5 miles before it gets dark. That and eating well have augmented my w/ds in such a way as to make them a nonconsideration.

Also, since exercising is important to you, you may want to check out the healthy living thread here on bluelight (if you haven't already). It motivates me to do more usually.