Developing a dependency to stimulants is nothing new for me. Neither is experiencing to extremes, for that matter--definitely to the point of recklessness.
If I wasn't counting on selling my herb to supplement my income (which unfortunately is not what it needs to be to pay all of the bills right now), I'd have dumped that, too. I had just used the remainder of my 5-MEO-DALT, and all I had left (besides the before-mentioned marijuana) were the two bags of ethylphenidate.
I'd like to put the tobacco down, too. I'm definitely stopping my alcohol abuse.
There's too much for me to be doing right now, to not simply do it. I've been long thinking that I needed to give up Bluelight. Bluelight is to me what Facebook is to a lot of my friends. lol
I've been getting high in all kinds of ways. Hundreds of 16 oz cans of beer a month, morning glory seeds, AL-LAD, marijuana, 5-MEO-DALT, Ethylphenidate, DXM... the spiral "exposed in voyeuristic color, the public act" so to speak. Days without sleep, and then sometimes days without waking. Poor nutrition. Owning a business and the stresses that sometimes go with it aren't easily managed while dealing with all kinds of chemical addictions.
I'd quit benzos a few months ago, after consistent blackouts--that just HAD to stop. And yesterday, when I experienced the strongest 5-MEO-DALT effects I've ever known -- I realized I'd come to the point where I was just going to push my chemical use to the point of OD every time. Why?
Because, I truly do have an addictive nature. I like to feel good. I enjoy the culture of experience and fun, which is what most of us Bluelighters like about it all. But I have to make a strong, disciplined healthy way forward, for myself, for my kids. I mean, shit, my fucking sides hurt so bad in the mornings, like my organs are just so tired of processing all this shit. 150mg a day of ethylphenidate dissolving the lining of my stomach, making my heart pound at 100 bpm all day long, drinking 40 oz of beer at a time before getting in front of people. Smoking cigarettes every ten minutes of the day. Ahhhhh!
Interestingly, the 170mg (OD level) of 5-MEO-DALT I ingested really took me on a trip, quickly, and powerfully. Reminded me a lot of the morning glory seeds and AL-LAD, but I was on a roller-coaster ride straight to bad trip city. And my heart was so jacked up... I called my girlfriend. I told her all about it, about everything. Invited her over. Needed her to come over. To basically soothe me, keep me calm. Help me ride out this trip. And she did, and the catharsis of having made the decision to quit, and the relief that came with unloading it all to someone who cares, lifted me from the bowels of a hell-trip and turned it into something just as valuable and edifying as any other deep lessons learned during a deep psych experience.
So the decision has been made.
I haven't even had a cigarette yet this morning. But I've only been up for an hour and 15 minutes. Drinking coffee. (That I'll likely never quit.) Sober living sounds good. Getting healthy sounds good. I'll live vicariously through the trip reports of others, and expand my family to sober living and getting right. And especially on moving away from dependency and addiction.
I quit a rough methamphetamine addiction over ten years ago. I was in the middle of it, with a tremendous supply. I was putting as much up my nose as I was down my throat, up my ass, and in my veins. I quit that. Seems harder to do now that I'm in my forties, with some of these new chemicals. It's that chemical romance. Even if I make it a month. That's a month I got back! Even if I do smoke some herb in the future, or have a beer or two, or eventually eat some mushrooms or satisfy my inner psychedelic junkie -- my number 1 priority with all of this is to NEVER touch the uppers again. They aren't my friend in any way.
Thanks!
