"My Minds as Empty as My Soul"
All her memories packed away into boxes. Her hopes and quickly fading dreams stacked in the corner to keep the spiders company while she moved on. Every creak and groan from the floors sounded like the very foundation whispering it's goodbye.
These walls have seen so much of who she had become. The day her future husband moved in, the birth of their daughter, her falling into the depths of addiction. Than as everything fell to pieces the house stood silently watching. The fights, the yelling, screaming, the blood and the silence that always followed.
Her hand on the bedroom door almost ready to leave, but still a part not wanting to go. There had been so many good times too.
Sitting at the desk with him watching a movie they'd already seen a million times, still laughing together. Curling up in bed while he read to her until she fell asleep. Late nights when they'd stay up talking until the sun was raising and the birds singing. So many good times here.
Their daughter is the best though, the three of them playing Candy Land. Singing bedtime songs together and reading stories. The mountains of My Little Ponies we'd spend the night cleaning up. Brushing her soft hair from her face as she snuggled into bed. Her wonderful bear hugs that would almost knock you from your feet.
She walked slowly back further into the room, stepping over the threshold into the tiny attached bathroom. Where her life had began to end and his eventually did. She kept the door propped open, to scared of what she might see on the inside of the door. Scared that once it closed she may not be able to open it again.
Slow and small baby steps bringing her past the center of the room towards the window. Legs shaking she sat sideways on the closed toilet, facing the sink like she had a million other times when she was about to do her next hit. Her eyes unfocused lost in memories.
Every bit of her attention focused on tapping every last crumb of powder out of the damnable tiny plastic bag, than mixing in the water. Stirring, pulling it in and pushing out the air bubble. She hardly ever bothered with cotton it just took to damn long. While she taps her wrist for a vein, that god like smell drifts to her nose. Once found it's a quick stick, she hardly ever misses anymore. Slowly pulling back a little to make sure she's in and watching the crimson blossom grow inside until she pushes it all in. Than the 3-5 second wait for the insanely perfect rush to...
The bile in her stomach was raising while she was lost in though. Thankfully her body still simply reacted to those things without her help and she coughed up the liquid into the stained and dusty sink. Her small hands clenching either side of the cracked sink, head hung so that her dark hair served as a cloak from the world while she stood trembling for a moment. Slowly she traced the crack in the ceramic with the tip of her finger. Lifting her head she read the blurry, smeared words she had written all those nights ago.
"I'm Sorry"
She didn't remember where all the blood came from, but there had been more than enough spots to choose from then. Opening long gashes down the inner sides of her arms. The memory of writing on the mirror is in third person. Another is much more clear in what she's doing, just not when. He's not not in bed with her again and she can remember feeling the tears soaking the pillow. Her secret release tucked under her pillow, the moonlight catching off the edge. One long steady cut running up the inner part of her arm from wrist to elbow on each arm. As the paint pools together she carefully dips her right index finger in, beginning to spell out the two words that would haunt her for the next year and quite possibly longer still.
Above her head on the well she neatly wrote, "LOVE LOST".
Coming out of the daze she had been in she looked around the small room again. Her eyes falling to the spot where they had set up the crib. So much time had passed since then, it seemed like a life time ago. Leaving the room she kept herself from looking at the door, focusing instead on her shoes. quick steps through the bedroom and into the hallway she couldn't bring herself to say goodbye to her daughter's room, even if it wasn't for forever. The comforting creak of the steps under her feet, her mom sitting on the couch waiting to give her a ride.
Everything was suddenly becoming too damn real.
"I'll be back soon. Visiting, and to help out around the house..." her voice trailing off, as her mom hugged her tightly. She knew. They left the house together. In the crisp air outside she turned once when she got to the car looking back at the house. Than up at her window, half expecting but mostly wishing to see him there. So she could run back up and tell him she loved him, that she was sorry about everything and to say goodbye. She kept watching but the window stayed empty. He wasn't here, not now anyway. It was time for her to go for now.
Getting into the car with her mom she turned and smiled.
"Ready?" She asked.
"Yeah, are you hon?"
She nodded and they pulled out, she watched the house get smaller in the mirror until they turned. Whispering to herself, I promise I'll be back soon.
All her memories packed away into boxes. Her hopes and quickly fading dreams stacked in the corner to keep the spiders company while she moved on. Every creak and groan from the floors sounded like the very foundation whispering it's goodbye.
These walls have seen so much of who she had become. The day her future husband moved in, the birth of their daughter, her falling into the depths of addiction. Than as everything fell to pieces the house stood silently watching. The fights, the yelling, screaming, the blood and the silence that always followed.
Her hand on the bedroom door almost ready to leave, but still a part not wanting to go. There had been so many good times too.
Sitting at the desk with him watching a movie they'd already seen a million times, still laughing together. Curling up in bed while he read to her until she fell asleep. Late nights when they'd stay up talking until the sun was raising and the birds singing. So many good times here.
Their daughter is the best though, the three of them playing Candy Land. Singing bedtime songs together and reading stories. The mountains of My Little Ponies we'd spend the night cleaning up. Brushing her soft hair from her face as she snuggled into bed. Her wonderful bear hugs that would almost knock you from your feet.
She walked slowly back further into the room, stepping over the threshold into the tiny attached bathroom. Where her life had began to end and his eventually did. She kept the door propped open, to scared of what she might see on the inside of the door. Scared that once it closed she may not be able to open it again.
Slow and small baby steps bringing her past the center of the room towards the window. Legs shaking she sat sideways on the closed toilet, facing the sink like she had a million other times when she was about to do her next hit. Her eyes unfocused lost in memories.
Every bit of her attention focused on tapping every last crumb of powder out of the damnable tiny plastic bag, than mixing in the water. Stirring, pulling it in and pushing out the air bubble. She hardly ever bothered with cotton it just took to damn long. While she taps her wrist for a vein, that god like smell drifts to her nose. Once found it's a quick stick, she hardly ever misses anymore. Slowly pulling back a little to make sure she's in and watching the crimson blossom grow inside until she pushes it all in. Than the 3-5 second wait for the insanely perfect rush to...
The bile in her stomach was raising while she was lost in though. Thankfully her body still simply reacted to those things without her help and she coughed up the liquid into the stained and dusty sink. Her small hands clenching either side of the cracked sink, head hung so that her dark hair served as a cloak from the world while she stood trembling for a moment. Slowly she traced the crack in the ceramic with the tip of her finger. Lifting her head she read the blurry, smeared words she had written all those nights ago.
"I'm Sorry"
She didn't remember where all the blood came from, but there had been more than enough spots to choose from then. Opening long gashes down the inner sides of her arms. The memory of writing on the mirror is in third person. Another is much more clear in what she's doing, just not when. He's not not in bed with her again and she can remember feeling the tears soaking the pillow. Her secret release tucked under her pillow, the moonlight catching off the edge. One long steady cut running up the inner part of her arm from wrist to elbow on each arm. As the paint pools together she carefully dips her right index finger in, beginning to spell out the two words that would haunt her for the next year and quite possibly longer still.
Above her head on the well she neatly wrote, "LOVE LOST".
Coming out of the daze she had been in she looked around the small room again. Her eyes falling to the spot where they had set up the crib. So much time had passed since then, it seemed like a life time ago. Leaving the room she kept herself from looking at the door, focusing instead on her shoes. quick steps through the bedroom and into the hallway she couldn't bring herself to say goodbye to her daughter's room, even if it wasn't for forever. The comforting creak of the steps under her feet, her mom sitting on the couch waiting to give her a ride.
Everything was suddenly becoming too damn real.
"I'll be back soon. Visiting, and to help out around the house..." her voice trailing off, as her mom hugged her tightly. She knew. They left the house together. In the crisp air outside she turned once when she got to the car looking back at the house. Than up at her window, half expecting but mostly wishing to see him there. So she could run back up and tell him she loved him, that she was sorry about everything and to say goodbye. She kept watching but the window stayed empty. He wasn't here, not now anyway. It was time for her to go for now.
Getting into the car with her mom she turned and smiled.
"Ready?" She asked.
"Yeah, are you hon?"
She nodded and they pulled out, she watched the house get smaller in the mirror until they turned. Whispering to herself, I promise I'll be back soon.
