i can't get her out o fmy head. some weeks i'll think of her all the time. and by all the time i mean pretty much every moment i have to myself. on the drive into work, on my lunch break, on my drive home, and as i lie in bed trying to get to sleep.
sometimes i just can't stop thinking about her and how i managed to destroy something so great. i could not have destroyed the relationship better if i had tried.
so what the fuck do you do. try and ignore the feelings. pretend it doesn't matter? impossible. i can only trick myself for so long. the thing is i have no one to blame but myself.
i lie here in bed at night at in pitch black with my eyes wide open starring straight ahead with absolutely no emotion on my face while tears roll down cheeks. i can no longer hide the devastation i have caused upon myself but at the same time i recognise that i have no right to lie here feeling sorry for myself when i was the one that caused the destruction in the first place. who the fuck am i to lie here awake at night shedding a tear for the action i brought upon myself...
i can do nothing more than face up to the disappointment and stupidity i have done.. somehow i have to accept that this is the consolation prize i get for hurting someone that meant so much to me and destroying the best relationship, the best bond i ever had that was beyond anything i could have ever imagined... some how i have to accept what has been done and find faith in moving forward...
the problem is i had no self belief to begin with. i think that's half the reason i managed to get so confused and make the stupid naive decisions i did. i'm not even sure you could call them a decision because to be honest i can't recall even thinking about what i was doing before i did it. i was one confused, scared, cowardish like dickhead who was headed for the biggest disappointment of his life but was always too blind to see it.
not only must i find a way to live with the destruction i've caused i must also find a way to live with the disappointment of myself.
i ask myself what kind of person would do what i did... and there's no possible way to ignore the fact that the answer is me. fool. weak. scared. pussy. stupid. careless. naive. i manage to tick all the boxes and it would only make me a hypocrite if i was to argue otherwise.
so what do you do? well, i'll spend my energy on consciously telling myself that tomorrow is another day and life goes on. i'll probably manage to keep this up for a handful of days until i get to a point where i'm exhausted and unable to conintue to consciously bullshit myself, to a point where i'll get into bed and lie here awake for hours putting myself through the destruction i've caused one more time so i can lie here and let my feelings run free. let the tears roll down my face as i stare straight ahead telling myself you have nothing to compain about because i only brought it all on upon myself.
it seems like an ever going cycle that i'm in. like a merry go round that doesn't stop.
the thing is even if she was willing to speak to me and hear me out, there's no possible way for me to tell her how sorry and regretful i am.
i thought maybe the best way to tell her how i feel would be by writing her a letter. i have written page after page but nothing i write seems good enough or worthy. it would only make me a hypocrite too. if anyone else had done this to her i would be the first person to tell her to fuck them off. tell her they are not worth your time and energy in this lifetime because she deserves so much better.
sometimes i just can't stop thinking about her and how i managed to destroy something so great. i could not have destroyed the relationship better if i had tried.
so what the fuck do you do. try and ignore the feelings. pretend it doesn't matter? impossible. i can only trick myself for so long. the thing is i have no one to blame but myself.
i lie here in bed at night at in pitch black with my eyes wide open starring straight ahead with absolutely no emotion on my face while tears roll down cheeks. i can no longer hide the devastation i have caused upon myself but at the same time i recognise that i have no right to lie here feeling sorry for myself when i was the one that caused the destruction in the first place. who the fuck am i to lie here awake at night shedding a tear for the action i brought upon myself...
i can do nothing more than face up to the disappointment and stupidity i have done.. somehow i have to accept that this is the consolation prize i get for hurting someone that meant so much to me and destroying the best relationship, the best bond i ever had that was beyond anything i could have ever imagined... some how i have to accept what has been done and find faith in moving forward...
the problem is i had no self belief to begin with. i think that's half the reason i managed to get so confused and make the stupid naive decisions i did. i'm not even sure you could call them a decision because to be honest i can't recall even thinking about what i was doing before i did it. i was one confused, scared, cowardish like dickhead who was headed for the biggest disappointment of his life but was always too blind to see it.
not only must i find a way to live with the destruction i've caused i must also find a way to live with the disappointment of myself.
i ask myself what kind of person would do what i did... and there's no possible way to ignore the fact that the answer is me. fool. weak. scared. pussy. stupid. careless. naive. i manage to tick all the boxes and it would only make me a hypocrite if i was to argue otherwise.
so what do you do? well, i'll spend my energy on consciously telling myself that tomorrow is another day and life goes on. i'll probably manage to keep this up for a handful of days until i get to a point where i'm exhausted and unable to conintue to consciously bullshit myself, to a point where i'll get into bed and lie here awake for hours putting myself through the destruction i've caused one more time so i can lie here and let my feelings run free. let the tears roll down my face as i stare straight ahead telling myself you have nothing to compain about because i only brought it all on upon myself.
it seems like an ever going cycle that i'm in. like a merry go round that doesn't stop.
the thing is even if she was willing to speak to me and hear me out, there's no possible way for me to tell her how sorry and regretful i am.
i thought maybe the best way to tell her how i feel would be by writing her a letter. i have written page after page but nothing i write seems good enough or worthy. it would only make me a hypocrite too. if anyone else had done this to her i would be the first person to tell her to fuck them off. tell her they are not worth your time and energy in this lifetime because she deserves so much better.