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Bluelighter
My mind is blank yet reeling with the illusions of narcotic needs.
illl illl illl
The familiar orange octagon tablets are placed under my tounge instantly filling my mouth with the fruity, medicine(y) taste that will begin to curb my restlessness. Its 4:53am and propped up in bed staring out my window into the black winter sky. The twinkling of stars thru the tree branches takes my mind off the thoughts that return to plague me every couple of minutes. I try to to shut my eyes but within seconds they spring back open in my head race thoughts and memories of nothing other than using heroin as random images pop-up unstoppable. The clock is staring me back in the face, taunting me. Moving in the unmistakable dope fiend time, slow as molasses seconds are hours.
I am laying in a hospital bed playing around with the remote controls elevating my feet and watching the clock waiting till 9pm strikes as thats the time I receive my nightly medicine when suddenly I am hear yelling and a commotion out in the hallway. Stumbling out of my room I pull on a hoody and as soon as I step out I know somethings not right. A twinge of electricity shoots up my spine launching a flood of goosebumps across my body freezing me and standing hairs on end. This is the first real feeling I have felt in years as I have became absolutely numb to emotions. OUt in the hall I see 2 nurses frantically shoving there key into a locked bathroom door. My head pans slowly back towards the nurse station where the 3rd nurse is screaming into the telephone, "CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE". A couple male attendants dressed in the typical green hospital garb slide around the corner, feet slipping for traction on the linoleum. They get the door open and pull Christian out of the bathtub. He is a light shade of blue and has a needle still hanging out of his arm which gets knocked out leaving a small trail of red trickling down his arm, the only sign of life. They lay him flat on the floor and start CPR beating there fists into his 18 yr old frail frame. I am transfixed as pandemonium unravels.
"Everybody back in their rooms...NOW!"
I hear the fear in the middle aged nurses voice as it cracks. Looking down the hall towards the girls section my eyes catch the eyes of Julie a patient that has been in here for 3 weeks now. I can see the tears welling up in her eyes just waiting to overflow like a Rocky Mountain creek in spring.
I shot the shit with Christian earlier this evening as he just got checked in a few hours previous to this. A skinny skateboarder type, good kid, although to young and troubled. He was still loaded after checking-in and I tried to hit him up and see if he brought a stash in rehab with him (grasping at straws) he countered my statement by telling me he shot the rest of it before coming here. Sure buddy. I saw a prayer for him as I stand in the doorway of my room and wonder if it was accidental or did he do it on purpose?
I get back into bed and pull my headphones and push play on an old Van Morrison CD hoping to drown out the noise...
WHOOSH...
Back to present day time on the clock reads 4:57 as I flip on to my stomach and pull a pillow over my head trying to block out any more memories of the 'Old days'. With a blink of my eyes I am launched into another spiraling tangent.
"Get outta the car" yells the young dealer.
I run up to the building with a fist full of bills and quickly dash behind the heavy steel door which doesn't quite shut. Flurries of snow are blown thru the crack bringing with it the icy cold chicago wind.
"You not a cop right" he asks me for the 2nd or 3rd time
No I reassure him I just want some dope I am sick. Looking me in the eyes he pulls out a strip of heroin, 12 small ziplok baggies with a red devil holding a pitchfork emblazoned on each one. The baggies are sandwiched inbetween 2 pieces of clear packing tape to prevent tapering. I hand him a hundred dollars and run back to my car. Quickly I stash the dope in a safe spot to ensure that in the event I got pulled over on the way out by one of CPD (Chicago Police Dept.) finest the dope would not be found.
Driving down Independence Blvd. heading towards the expressway I rip a tin can in half slicing the tip of my finger in the process. I set the bottom half of the can on my lap and throw the rest out the window. Turning the corner driving with my knees I fill up a needle from a bottle of water I set that down as I try to merge into traffiK.
Pulling out the heroin as I bring the car up to speed I dump the bright white fluffy powder from 2 of the bags into the can. Squirt water, lighter, shake it, shake it, shake it Sugaree. The aluminium can conducts heat quickly and I carefully juggle the can in my hand as it cools. In goes the cotton, dark brown water fills the syringe which ensures the dope is good.
Bracing the wheel with my knees I wrap the seatbelt around my arm like a madman hoping a vein will pop as it is hard to see at night. The underside of my forearm is the lucky spot as I fumble with the rig trying to get some blood to register while pulling the plunger back. Bingo, down goes the plunger. I pull out the needle licking the dribble of blood and unwrap the seatbelt just in time to put both hands on the steering wheel as I feel the first hint of the rush starting to snowball in the center of my chest as it quickly floods my body. For a brief handful of seconds I am in heaven and nothing remotely matters. I chase this feeling multiple times a day trying to prolong it. Lighting up a smoke I adjust the radio and sigh with relief, mmmmmmmm...
BAM...
Flip-flopping in my bed the clock reads 5:07. Fuck why am I tormented with these thoughts I am sufficiently medicated and I really don't want to use today but if I cant fall asleep and cant change my thought patterns I KNOW I will be in my car with-in the hour driving to get a fix.
I cant control myself...
I have nothing to prove, nothing to lose (except my life) but that hardly matters to me as I am just a shell of a person propelled by some unexplainable force.
Images of old friends and girlfriends flash thru my head at lightning speed. Four people sitting in my Jeep laughing, laughing, under the glow of a streetlamp...
Rolling green mountains of Vermont...
Taylor, Annie, Donavan, Joey and me all passed out sidewayz...
Kristopher and I riding bikes to pick up an ounce...
I cant control myself...
I roll out of bed already fully dressed grab my keys some cash and I am out into the pre-dawn darkness the cold wind whipping right thru me. In my car I reach in the glovebox and grab out the amber colored pill bottle and down 30mgs of valium. Into the darkness I speed away, lost and full of confusion.
illl illl illl
The familiar orange octagon tablets are placed under my tounge instantly filling my mouth with the fruity, medicine(y) taste that will begin to curb my restlessness. Its 4:53am and propped up in bed staring out my window into the black winter sky. The twinkling of stars thru the tree branches takes my mind off the thoughts that return to plague me every couple of minutes. I try to to shut my eyes but within seconds they spring back open in my head race thoughts and memories of nothing other than using heroin as random images pop-up unstoppable. The clock is staring me back in the face, taunting me. Moving in the unmistakable dope fiend time, slow as molasses seconds are hours.
I am laying in a hospital bed playing around with the remote controls elevating my feet and watching the clock waiting till 9pm strikes as thats the time I receive my nightly medicine when suddenly I am hear yelling and a commotion out in the hallway. Stumbling out of my room I pull on a hoody and as soon as I step out I know somethings not right. A twinge of electricity shoots up my spine launching a flood of goosebumps across my body freezing me and standing hairs on end. This is the first real feeling I have felt in years as I have became absolutely numb to emotions. OUt in the hall I see 2 nurses frantically shoving there key into a locked bathroom door. My head pans slowly back towards the nurse station where the 3rd nurse is screaming into the telephone, "CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE". A couple male attendants dressed in the typical green hospital garb slide around the corner, feet slipping for traction on the linoleum. They get the door open and pull Christian out of the bathtub. He is a light shade of blue and has a needle still hanging out of his arm which gets knocked out leaving a small trail of red trickling down his arm, the only sign of life. They lay him flat on the floor and start CPR beating there fists into his 18 yr old frail frame. I am transfixed as pandemonium unravels.
"Everybody back in their rooms...NOW!"
I hear the fear in the middle aged nurses voice as it cracks. Looking down the hall towards the girls section my eyes catch the eyes of Julie a patient that has been in here for 3 weeks now. I can see the tears welling up in her eyes just waiting to overflow like a Rocky Mountain creek in spring.
I shot the shit with Christian earlier this evening as he just got checked in a few hours previous to this. A skinny skateboarder type, good kid, although to young and troubled. He was still loaded after checking-in and I tried to hit him up and see if he brought a stash in rehab with him (grasping at straws) he countered my statement by telling me he shot the rest of it before coming here. Sure buddy. I saw a prayer for him as I stand in the doorway of my room and wonder if it was accidental or did he do it on purpose?
I get back into bed and pull my headphones and push play on an old Van Morrison CD hoping to drown out the noise...
WHOOSH...
Back to present day time on the clock reads 4:57 as I flip on to my stomach and pull a pillow over my head trying to block out any more memories of the 'Old days'. With a blink of my eyes I am launched into another spiraling tangent.
"Get outta the car" yells the young dealer.
I run up to the building with a fist full of bills and quickly dash behind the heavy steel door which doesn't quite shut. Flurries of snow are blown thru the crack bringing with it the icy cold chicago wind.
"You not a cop right" he asks me for the 2nd or 3rd time
No I reassure him I just want some dope I am sick. Looking me in the eyes he pulls out a strip of heroin, 12 small ziplok baggies with a red devil holding a pitchfork emblazoned on each one. The baggies are sandwiched inbetween 2 pieces of clear packing tape to prevent tapering. I hand him a hundred dollars and run back to my car. Quickly I stash the dope in a safe spot to ensure that in the event I got pulled over on the way out by one of CPD (Chicago Police Dept.) finest the dope would not be found.
Driving down Independence Blvd. heading towards the expressway I rip a tin can in half slicing the tip of my finger in the process. I set the bottom half of the can on my lap and throw the rest out the window. Turning the corner driving with my knees I fill up a needle from a bottle of water I set that down as I try to merge into traffiK.
Pulling out the heroin as I bring the car up to speed I dump the bright white fluffy powder from 2 of the bags into the can. Squirt water, lighter, shake it, shake it, shake it Sugaree. The aluminium can conducts heat quickly and I carefully juggle the can in my hand as it cools. In goes the cotton, dark brown water fills the syringe which ensures the dope is good.
Bracing the wheel with my knees I wrap the seatbelt around my arm like a madman hoping a vein will pop as it is hard to see at night. The underside of my forearm is the lucky spot as I fumble with the rig trying to get some blood to register while pulling the plunger back. Bingo, down goes the plunger. I pull out the needle licking the dribble of blood and unwrap the seatbelt just in time to put both hands on the steering wheel as I feel the first hint of the rush starting to snowball in the center of my chest as it quickly floods my body. For a brief handful of seconds I am in heaven and nothing remotely matters. I chase this feeling multiple times a day trying to prolong it. Lighting up a smoke I adjust the radio and sigh with relief, mmmmmmmm...
BAM...
Flip-flopping in my bed the clock reads 5:07. Fuck why am I tormented with these thoughts I am sufficiently medicated and I really don't want to use today but if I cant fall asleep and cant change my thought patterns I KNOW I will be in my car with-in the hour driving to get a fix.
I cant control myself...
I have nothing to prove, nothing to lose (except my life) but that hardly matters to me as I am just a shell of a person propelled by some unexplainable force.
Images of old friends and girlfriends flash thru my head at lightning speed. Four people sitting in my Jeep laughing, laughing, under the glow of a streetlamp...
Rolling green mountains of Vermont...
Taylor, Annie, Donavan, Joey and me all passed out sidewayz...
Kristopher and I riding bikes to pick up an ounce...
I cant control myself...
I roll out of bed already fully dressed grab my keys some cash and I am out into the pre-dawn darkness the cold wind whipping right thru me. In my car I reach in the glovebox and grab out the amber colored pill bottle and down 30mgs of valium. Into the darkness I speed away, lost and full of confusion.
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