Hi, I'm Kahli and though I've lurked on bluelight for years I finally decided to register tonight. I wanna share my story with MDMA here and hope to get some opinions on my more recent experiences.
My first experience with MDMA was 7 years ago, shortly after my 16th birthday. Needless to say, it was incredible. I dabbled for two years or so, generally limiting my consumption to once every three months or once a month at most. Then in the summer/fall of 2011 I started to spiral. I introduced my on again off again boyfriend to it around January of 2011, and our consumption slowly increased to the point where we would roll 2-3 times per month, maybe more. It's hard to put a number on it five years later. After we broke up for good (March of 2012), I began seeing a different guy who already flipped blow and weed and we started dealing Molly together maybe 8 weeks after we began dating. For about three months, we rolled multiple times a week and I definitely developed a psychological dependency on the drug. I experienced physical and emotional symptoms of my abuse such as syncope, weight loss (I lost 20 lbs over the course of a year, which is a lot considering that the weight I started at was 105lbs), depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety and stimulant induced psychosis a couple times. I consistently chose the drug over spending (sober) time with friends and family and quit two jobs because I was too rolled over to go to work. My ex wanted to stop using once we moved to a new city in August of 2012, but I didn't. I used without telling him a few times and used around him while he was sober multiple times. It put a real strain on the relationship, and that combined with other unrelated issues ended the relationship for good after almost years, but not before I got pregnant.
I refrained from using drugs or alcohol during my pregnancy (took me a while to quit smoking cigarettes but I did succesfully quit in my second trimester), and didn't roll again until NYE 2014/15. I had a good time, but I sensed something was different. I didn't feel as euphoric as I had felt the last time I rolled (July 2013), and chalked it up to a strange environment ("rolling party" with a lot of people I didn't know well - excluding my best friend - hanging out watching the EDC documentary with the lights on) and didn't think much of it.
The next time I rolled was the day before EDCLV 2015 in an effort to "test" the Molly we got in Las Vegas from a friend of my best friend. I insufflated less than .1g and felt great. Mild euphoria, increased empathy and the urge to dance. Comedown was very easy and I was able to sleep well that night. The next night, I took a .2g cap from the same batch and was FLOORED. The peak caused me such anxiety that I made my friend take me to the medical tent. They were dealing with a girl who had a seizure so I left the tent with my friend and sat in the grass for a while, and had a great night after I started coming down. The morning was a little emotional (I became quite agitated at my friend who was trying to use Google maps to route our way back to the hotel and had me going in the wrong direction), but physically I felt fine, just tired. Second night of EDC I just drank but the vibes had me feeling like I had taken a small amount of mdma. Third night, I dropped .1g around 9 pm (different source) and felt amazing. By the feeling I could tell there was another stimulant mixed in (I'm thinking an amphetamine), and redosed around 2 am. It was one of the best rolls of my life. Comedown was fine emotionally but rough physically. Sleeping was incredibly difficult and I didn't feel rested in the slightest afterwards.
The next time I rolled was a few weeks ago at EDCLV 2016 on the third day. I didn't really plan on rolling but picked up for friends. One friend ended up not being able to go to EDC, so I decided to drop one. I broke the pressed pill (purple Armani - found out later via pillreports that these pills being sold in my state are MDA) into quarters, keeping my experience on day 1 last year in mind. I dropped what I thought was a quarter around 9 or 10 but didn't feel anything after an hour or so. Decided to redose and lo and behold the pill had broken down further and I deduced that I must have taken 1/8th rather than the intended quarter, so my dumb ass says "fuck it" and takes two pieces, which was probably about a half. I was floored yet again and experienced a "roll" with a very intense body high, an incredible amount of anxiety, and increased empathy but no euphoria whatsoever. I was very lucid but wholly uncomfortable and it took a lot of mental energy to not freak the fuck out. I kept thinking about my son and what would happen to him if I OD'd. His father isn't in his life and my parents are getting up there in age. I also experienced sensory overload to the point where I couldn't bear to be at any of the stages for a while. It was quite distressing. My friends took great care of me, but I felt quite ashamed that I had gotten so fucked up off a seemingly small dose. The next day is when I decided to look up the pill on pillreports and discovered that it more than likely contained MDA, as did the other pills in my stash (green smileys).
I had two green smileys left over from EDC and last Saturday decided to try again at home where I'm more comfortable (the baby was spending the night with a family member). I took 1/2 a green smiley and experienced a moderate body high and again, no euphoria. Since I was alone, I can't comment on whether or not I felt increased empathy. It was during that roll that I came to the realization that I am/was an addict. It had never occurred to me before that my usage had been a problem. During my heavy abuse I rationalized my symptoms and insisted that it wasn't E causing them. I knew about the 3 month rule. I knew that I should buy a testing kit and test my stash, but I didn't. My ex had one and tested batches we bought to flip, but I never bought one of my own or cared to. I knew the dangers of abusing MDMA, but I didn't care. I loved my lifestyle. I loved being out of my mind fucked up. I dosed big and I dosed often, and I never really wanted to stop, but was forced to due to life circumstances.
In the week since my roll at home, I've had strong cravings for E and weird phsysical symptoms like chattering teeth and eye wiggles while commuting to and from work (I generally listen to EDM while I drive). It's like I'm feeling the ghost of a roll or something, I'm not quite sure how to verbalize it. It's not a flashback, but almost.
While I know MDMA is not physically addictive, these odd physical symptoms concern me. I know they're probably psychosomatic, but it still concerns me. Also, over the past three years I have missed my old lifestyle but have begun to accept that I can't have it again now that I have a child. After this last roll, I find myself missing abusing MDMA more than I did before and wishing that I could do it as often as I did and feel as euphoric as I did before, consequences be damned. The rational part of my mind says "whoa there bitch, you have way too much to lose now, and you don't want to fry your brain, that's not an option," and that's the part of my brain I'm choosing to listen to.
So all this leads me to some questions:
Have I "lost the magic" or could the lack of euphoria be due to me taking MDA rather than MDMA? I've only been 100% positive that what I was taking was MDA once before (sometime in early 2013) and I remember not liking it, but don't remember what it felt like. And why would the magic still be gone with my long breaks between rolls over the past three years?
Will the cravings and physical symptoms eventually dissipate? I've felt like this before, but only during my heavy abuse phase and I would just roll again, which I don't want to do soon, especially if it's gonna suck anyways.
How can I manage to move on from wanting to abuse E and enjoy my life for what it is now? I'm considering getting professional help, but I'm scared that any admission of prior/recent drug use could be used to get CPS to take my son away, which is not necessary (I drink occasionally but that's the extent of my usual intoxicant use these days) and would be heartbreaking for the both of us.
Any advice, comments or questions are welcomed and I look forward to hearing from anyone who has any insight into my situation. I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this in my life and it's causing me some emotional distress. And thanks for reading my novel of a post, haha.
My first experience with MDMA was 7 years ago, shortly after my 16th birthday. Needless to say, it was incredible. I dabbled for two years or so, generally limiting my consumption to once every three months or once a month at most. Then in the summer/fall of 2011 I started to spiral. I introduced my on again off again boyfriend to it around January of 2011, and our consumption slowly increased to the point where we would roll 2-3 times per month, maybe more. It's hard to put a number on it five years later. After we broke up for good (March of 2012), I began seeing a different guy who already flipped blow and weed and we started dealing Molly together maybe 8 weeks after we began dating. For about three months, we rolled multiple times a week and I definitely developed a psychological dependency on the drug. I experienced physical and emotional symptoms of my abuse such as syncope, weight loss (I lost 20 lbs over the course of a year, which is a lot considering that the weight I started at was 105lbs), depression, sleep disturbances, anxiety and stimulant induced psychosis a couple times. I consistently chose the drug over spending (sober) time with friends and family and quit two jobs because I was too rolled over to go to work. My ex wanted to stop using once we moved to a new city in August of 2012, but I didn't. I used without telling him a few times and used around him while he was sober multiple times. It put a real strain on the relationship, and that combined with other unrelated issues ended the relationship for good after almost years, but not before I got pregnant.
I refrained from using drugs or alcohol during my pregnancy (took me a while to quit smoking cigarettes but I did succesfully quit in my second trimester), and didn't roll again until NYE 2014/15. I had a good time, but I sensed something was different. I didn't feel as euphoric as I had felt the last time I rolled (July 2013), and chalked it up to a strange environment ("rolling party" with a lot of people I didn't know well - excluding my best friend - hanging out watching the EDC documentary with the lights on) and didn't think much of it.
The next time I rolled was the day before EDCLV 2015 in an effort to "test" the Molly we got in Las Vegas from a friend of my best friend. I insufflated less than .1g and felt great. Mild euphoria, increased empathy and the urge to dance. Comedown was very easy and I was able to sleep well that night. The next night, I took a .2g cap from the same batch and was FLOORED. The peak caused me such anxiety that I made my friend take me to the medical tent. They were dealing with a girl who had a seizure so I left the tent with my friend and sat in the grass for a while, and had a great night after I started coming down. The morning was a little emotional (I became quite agitated at my friend who was trying to use Google maps to route our way back to the hotel and had me going in the wrong direction), but physically I felt fine, just tired. Second night of EDC I just drank but the vibes had me feeling like I had taken a small amount of mdma. Third night, I dropped .1g around 9 pm (different source) and felt amazing. By the feeling I could tell there was another stimulant mixed in (I'm thinking an amphetamine), and redosed around 2 am. It was one of the best rolls of my life. Comedown was fine emotionally but rough physically. Sleeping was incredibly difficult and I didn't feel rested in the slightest afterwards.
The next time I rolled was a few weeks ago at EDCLV 2016 on the third day. I didn't really plan on rolling but picked up for friends. One friend ended up not being able to go to EDC, so I decided to drop one. I broke the pressed pill (purple Armani - found out later via pillreports that these pills being sold in my state are MDA) into quarters, keeping my experience on day 1 last year in mind. I dropped what I thought was a quarter around 9 or 10 but didn't feel anything after an hour or so. Decided to redose and lo and behold the pill had broken down further and I deduced that I must have taken 1/8th rather than the intended quarter, so my dumb ass says "fuck it" and takes two pieces, which was probably about a half. I was floored yet again and experienced a "roll" with a very intense body high, an incredible amount of anxiety, and increased empathy but no euphoria whatsoever. I was very lucid but wholly uncomfortable and it took a lot of mental energy to not freak the fuck out. I kept thinking about my son and what would happen to him if I OD'd. His father isn't in his life and my parents are getting up there in age. I also experienced sensory overload to the point where I couldn't bear to be at any of the stages for a while. It was quite distressing. My friends took great care of me, but I felt quite ashamed that I had gotten so fucked up off a seemingly small dose. The next day is when I decided to look up the pill on pillreports and discovered that it more than likely contained MDA, as did the other pills in my stash (green smileys).
I had two green smileys left over from EDC and last Saturday decided to try again at home where I'm more comfortable (the baby was spending the night with a family member). I took 1/2 a green smiley and experienced a moderate body high and again, no euphoria. Since I was alone, I can't comment on whether or not I felt increased empathy. It was during that roll that I came to the realization that I am/was an addict. It had never occurred to me before that my usage had been a problem. During my heavy abuse I rationalized my symptoms and insisted that it wasn't E causing them. I knew about the 3 month rule. I knew that I should buy a testing kit and test my stash, but I didn't. My ex had one and tested batches we bought to flip, but I never bought one of my own or cared to. I knew the dangers of abusing MDMA, but I didn't care. I loved my lifestyle. I loved being out of my mind fucked up. I dosed big and I dosed often, and I never really wanted to stop, but was forced to due to life circumstances.
In the week since my roll at home, I've had strong cravings for E and weird phsysical symptoms like chattering teeth and eye wiggles while commuting to and from work (I generally listen to EDM while I drive). It's like I'm feeling the ghost of a roll or something, I'm not quite sure how to verbalize it. It's not a flashback, but almost.
While I know MDMA is not physically addictive, these odd physical symptoms concern me. I know they're probably psychosomatic, but it still concerns me. Also, over the past three years I have missed my old lifestyle but have begun to accept that I can't have it again now that I have a child. After this last roll, I find myself missing abusing MDMA more than I did before and wishing that I could do it as often as I did and feel as euphoric as I did before, consequences be damned. The rational part of my mind says "whoa there bitch, you have way too much to lose now, and you don't want to fry your brain, that's not an option," and that's the part of my brain I'm choosing to listen to.
So all this leads me to some questions:
Have I "lost the magic" or could the lack of euphoria be due to me taking MDA rather than MDMA? I've only been 100% positive that what I was taking was MDA once before (sometime in early 2013) and I remember not liking it, but don't remember what it felt like. And why would the magic still be gone with my long breaks between rolls over the past three years?
Will the cravings and physical symptoms eventually dissipate? I've felt like this before, but only during my heavy abuse phase and I would just roll again, which I don't want to do soon, especially if it's gonna suck anyways.
How can I manage to move on from wanting to abuse E and enjoy my life for what it is now? I'm considering getting professional help, but I'm scared that any admission of prior/recent drug use could be used to get CPS to take my son away, which is not necessary (I drink occasionally but that's the extent of my usual intoxicant use these days) and would be heartbreaking for the both of us.
Any advice, comments or questions are welcomed and I look forward to hearing from anyone who has any insight into my situation. I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this in my life and it's causing me some emotional distress. And thanks for reading my novel of a post, haha.
