For past couple weeks I've been analyzing 3 different episodes of psychosis I've had within last 8 months and I'd really like to hear what you guys think of the conclusions I've made. I've been depressed for last 2-7 years and I'm experiencing lack of feelings and emotions as a result. They exist, but I don't feel them.
The only times I've entered psychosis have been after I've smoked weed and also had taken adderall (prescribed for ADD) +12 hours earlier. Then I entered a state of mind where I could convince myself that anything is true while knowing I was under influence of THC and I could convince myself of anything. The reason why I'm calling this state of mind lucid psychosis is because I'm aware that I'm in psychosis and I can control this state of mind. And whoever doesn't know what psychosis is, its a state of mind where you get out of touch with reality.
I see huge potential in being in a state of mind where I can convince myself of anything and being aware of this 'gift' while doing it and then using my best judgement to decide what to do with my mind.
I'll give a quick rundown what my last episode 3 weeks ago looked like so hopefully you guys can get a better idea how I process things.
I personally believe if I ever experience psychosis again, I will be able to control it to much greater extent than my last experience. The benefits I see in being in psychosis is that I can appreciate things I already have when I usually just take them for granted. I can dive deep into myself and make realizations about myself that are true. I might be able to change my priorities and feelings by getting to know myself better, and by doing that, break out of depression. The feeling of euphoria is also awesome but its not something I long for. I can't remember what it felt like, but I know it was awesome. And then I could make it twice as awesome with just thinking of the euphoria I was feeling. And repeat the cycle.
Sure, there are risks like permanent brain damage, going to psychosis (quite obvious) and probably tons more I just don't know about.
But as of now, I'm trying to figure a way of getting to the state of mind I want to be in either by lucid dreaming or weed because the pros outweigh the cons in my opinion.
What do you guys think? Am I just delusional about me being in control of psychosis or psychosis being a "good" thing for me?
Any input, comments, and questions are welcomed and I'm really interested to see what others think about this.
The only times I've entered psychosis have been after I've smoked weed and also had taken adderall (prescribed for ADD) +12 hours earlier. Then I entered a state of mind where I could convince myself that anything is true while knowing I was under influence of THC and I could convince myself of anything. The reason why I'm calling this state of mind lucid psychosis is because I'm aware that I'm in psychosis and I can control this state of mind. And whoever doesn't know what psychosis is, its a state of mind where you get out of touch with reality.
I see huge potential in being in a state of mind where I can convince myself of anything and being aware of this 'gift' while doing it and then using my best judgement to decide what to do with my mind.
I'll give a quick rundown what my last episode 3 weeks ago looked like so hopefully you guys can get a better idea how I process things.
-About minute after smoking outside in middle of the woods I had a certain feeling that I identified as state of mind I want to be in.
-I kept telling myself to keep focusing on the feeling and that was super important.
-I start to realize how big of a deal getting to this state of mind is. I tell myself that I can convince myself of anything and I'm one of the luckiest people on earth because God loves me and I can get to this state of mind. Getting very euphoric.
-I really do believe I'm pretty much one of the luckiest people on this planet because of I'm able to be in this mindset and this mindset is caused by how unique my brain is, how open mind I have, and how I have strong faith in God.
-Reminded myself what I was experiencing was psychosis. However, made the conclusion that psychosis as I was experiencing it was a blessing.
-Remembered that the last time I was in psychosis I told myself never to forget this feeling. Was so happy to remember this, and felt super lucky that I had another chance to be in this state of mind.
-Kept reminding myself that things I was experiencing were caused mostly by my imagination and I could trust my inner voice in this journey.
-Thought that I would be in this state of mind most likely for rest of my life on earth and this made the feeling even better. Kept telling myself how lucky I am that I have a relationship with God and I'd be in heaven one day. Euphoria still increasing as result of my thoughts being in pleasurable things.
-From the beginning to end of this episode, I was in very euphoric state which kept getting better and better.
-I told myself that the euphoria allowed me to slow down time for me. Because I was feeling so good, my brain worked much better now than before and was processing stuff much more efficiently than normally.
-Had a thought enter my mind that God has awesome sense of humor. All the sudden bunch of events in my life made sense, and I was felt pure awe before God.
-Thought that anything that happened to me wouldn't really be that big of a deal because an all powerful God was on my side and I was able to be in this state of mind.
-Thought about my future, and realized how awesome it would be since the feeling only kept getting more awesome and I thought it would never go away.
-Started walking home and put on headphones. Felt like a kid and realized what I was feeling was happiness.
-Went to bed and in the morning I was in my normal state of mind and felt perfectly normal. Understood some of things I experienced and though were not true and I took the experience too seriously in the moment.
I made lots of conclusions that weren't true during the time I was in psychosis that I didn't bother to double check for accuracy during that time because the conclusions made so much sense. I did listen to voice of reason from myself and from others, for example, someone telling me to go to bed and sleep this off.
I personally believe if I ever experience psychosis again, I will be able to control it to much greater extent than my last experience. The benefits I see in being in psychosis is that I can appreciate things I already have when I usually just take them for granted. I can dive deep into myself and make realizations about myself that are true. I might be able to change my priorities and feelings by getting to know myself better, and by doing that, break out of depression. The feeling of euphoria is also awesome but its not something I long for. I can't remember what it felt like, but I know it was awesome. And then I could make it twice as awesome with just thinking of the euphoria I was feeling. And repeat the cycle.
Sure, there are risks like permanent brain damage, going to psychosis (quite obvious) and probably tons more I just don't know about.
But as of now, I'm trying to figure a way of getting to the state of mind I want to be in either by lucid dreaming or weed because the pros outweigh the cons in my opinion.
What do you guys think? Am I just delusional about me being in control of psychosis or psychosis being a "good" thing for me?
Any input, comments, and questions are welcomed and I'm really interested to see what others think about this.