my life

so uh.... here goes nothin. have any of yall felt truly hopeless? i certainly do..

i am 21 years old, i just turned 21 on september 22. i am an addict. im not afraid to say it. drugs used to be a whole lot of fun for me. when i was 14, i first smoked weed. that was like MAGIC. since then, for 7 years, i have constantly been wasted. 24/7.
you name it, ive been on it. medical marijuana, schwag, reggies, hydro, xanax, klonopin, vicodin, oxycontin, suboxone, subutex, percocet, cocaine, crack cocaine, crystal meth, beers of all sorts, whiskey, vodka, magic mushrooms, 2ci, 2ce, jimsonweed, datura, strawberry daquiries.......i think you get the point

but the drug ive fallen hardest for is BLACK TAR HEROIN. ive always loved taking opiate pills like vicodins and oxycontins, but opiates were never my thing until i tried HEROIN. i was 18. it blew my mind, and thats a huge understatement. since then ive been hooked. it only took that one time. just once.........



so, for 3 years ive been a junky. a complete junky. now all i know how to do is get $, and of course get high. on a daily basis. on one hand, heroin is my true love. on the other hand, i hate it. hate how it controls every aspect of my life. it tells me where to go, what to do, what to say, you know what i mean? so i hate it and i love it. i wish i'd never done it that first time.

its disturbing how much i like heroin. more than anything. sex, socializing, whatever. fuck that. nothing compares to heroin. its got me. at this point, its not even like i want it. i NEED it.

i find myself thinking my life is over at age 21. that im gona be a hopeless junky for the rest of my life. like the Notorious BIG's album tile, i am Ready to Die. im not afraid to die. the way i see it is, im gona be a junky forever, whats there to live for?

I hope im wrong.

 

Nah man, there's plenty to live for. I feel you on spending your entire existence to get fucked up. It's a good way to hide from lord knows what. I myself started partying real young at the age of 12. From the first time I tried opiates (I believe it was tylox capsules, basically generic percs) at the age of 15 or so I was in love. I've also been drinking extremely heavily for about 7 years. I kicked the ope habit but I just drink even heavier now. Not a single day goes by without a drink. If I make it 3 or 4 days I feel like it's an accomplishment. Shit's a joke, I get down on myself for it all the time. Don't let it knock you down though. You may be in over your head and feel kind of hopeless now, but there's always something to live for. You just haven't found it yet (and shit, neither have I). You're still young. Many people get lost along the way, but don't ever think you're not worth it or that you're a waste. Don't give up on yourself. Have your fun, but try to take care of yourself. I know I'm not one to talk, and honestly I don't even have much to tell you that can help, but don't cut yourself so short. Drugs can really take over, but you don't have to define your entire existence by it, and you surely shouldn't give up just yet.

 

that helped more than you can know. thank you.

 

Hey rockmonster,
your addiction sounds as dismal as it can get so no wonder you feel like you do about life. But it doesn't have to be forever like you say at the end of your blog. There is recovery. Recovery from opiate addiction is hard but people do it every day. It doesn't always follow the same path or end up in exactly the same place either. If you don't already, I think following other peoples threads about quitting on the Dark Side forum would really give you a lot of hope (and camaraderie in the mean time!).

Don't give up on yourself. You are young and have so much time ahead of you; you can change. What RecklessWot said above is true--you are not your addiction. You are you with an addiction. The addiction can be dealt with. Be kind to yourself to start and that may give you the strength to figure out how to get this thing to let go of you. And, seriously, join in on The Dark Side. We are a very supportive bunch.

 

hey rock monster I have a question for you
I heard you have smoked suboxone and got results is this true? I dont wantto try it and get sick again.

 

And man I feel where you are coming from me and my man are getting clean right now and all I want is to be high I want to smoke a tray I want a shot... but instead of doing it I look at myself and say why wast your money on something that gona last for 10 minutes and make me sleep my life away. why spend my money on something that is gona make me sick if I dont have it.... I hated my self for getting back on it after 3 years of a clean life. for me I stick to weed and xanax