My Life/ TDS?

[Hydrobenz]

Not sure where I would want to post this so as a GL, but huge fan I know it will find a home.
I have so many thoughts at this moment, I'm going to try not to be all over the road. Not high just so much on the mind.
A fast note, the BL Shrine should damn near be required reading, so many wonderful Souls lost.
I have an additive personality so have been there done that all My life. Last 12 years have been normal so long as I have a cold beer at work days end.As well as 4 or 5 lortabs to keep working and living a normal life.
April 24th of this year saw My Wife of 35 years had Her third major heart attack. Long time heart patient so had a implanted pacemaker/ defibulator and it started shocking Her every min. till the emergency services arrived and took Her away fast. A load and go.
She lived and came home after a week, but only had 30% heart output left, as well as Her valves leaking.
She's here on hospice care with each minute on edge as of course damn Doctors told Her She had maybe 6 months.
I'm Her main caregiver so She really wants Me here as much as possible. Lost full time job due to not being able to work the hours.
Lease on place running out so have to come up with money. We have enough funding to get by day to day but nothing left saved.
I'm here with a house full of lortabs, morphine sulfate and Xanax and I order it all in. This is of course not good for My own good either.
I can't tell the social worker or of course they would have a major issue and not sure how it would play out.
I do fine taking care of Her day to day but starting to sink mentally. Not wanting to harm myself or anything but feel like I'm starting to feel a little hopeless.
We live in the USA so not as many free programs for someone with no health care.
Sorry for the long story but , A/ felt good to get out. B/ may be someone on here that can relate.
. Thanks and be safe,

 

[spork]

First of all, welcome to Bluelight and to The Dark Side. I'm very sorry to hear about your wife's condition and your own decline as well.

You don't have to go into specifics with the social worker, but do you think you can ask them if there's any sort of therapy programs that might be around for you? I'm sure if nothing else, there are support groups for people that might be in similar situations. If nothing else, you can always come into TDS and know that you can find some support in here.

Sending lots of love to you and your family during this very difficult time.

 

[pastelcircus]

Two words: narcotics anonymous.

Best of luck, dude

 

[volp]

I'm so sorry for your wife's condition and the difficult situation that you find yourself in. I'm sure NA has crossed your mind, and with how dependent your wife is on your care, you probably consider it a burden you can't add to your load right now.

At the very least, I'd suggest joining some sort of support group for spouses of the very ill. They have these groups for just about any illness these days and you can get some much needed moral support from them. In order to help your wife effectively and enjoy the time you have with her, you also need to recharge your own battery. And I'm sure your wife wouldn't want you ending up with a very bad habit after spending so much time helping her out.

NA + a support group would be my advice. And if you have family or good friends locally that can spell you and be with your wife when you're at a meeting, that would be ideal.

 

[Hydrobenz]

Well Thank You all, LOL I was on the NA website last night looking over local meetings.
I don't think I'm ready to completely stop cold turkey right now. But do have a place to get some boxes. I've gone that road before and did feel normal and I do know just replacing the other stuff.
I will be looking into some of all Your ideas Thanks. You know of course I put the brave take all on front here, but moved to tears reading BL Shrine. ;-)
Here being RL not BL Forum.

 

[spyhunter2]

Sorry to hear about your wife. Like the previous post said please try N.A. It works!

 

[herbavore]

OP, I am so sorry to hear about your wife. I have cared for two dying people in my life but was only part of the team, not the whole team and that was even exhausting emotionally and physically. Worrying about money on top of everything else sounds horrendous. I'm glad at least that you have hospice to help out.

I agree with you about the shrine. My son is one of the people with a shrine and I often say that I think we should direct new people to the Shrine first, then TDS and then on to the informational forums. My husband and I have been married for 26 years this year so you and your wife have me beat by almost 10. She must have seen you go through a lot and you must feel like your life is in free-fall contemplating losing her. I second all the advice about NA but I will give you this advice, too, as someone who has recently lost my own loved one: be present. Talk to your wife. Touch her as much as you can. Listen to her. You will never regret one thing that you do to tell her what she means to you, what she has meant in the past and what she always will. You will regret getting high and not being able to be as present as you could. Birth and dying are two very sacred transitions, full of mystery and life-changing emotions. Give yourself the gift of really being there. It will mean so much to your wife but it will mean even more to you over time.

I hope that we can support you through this hard time.

 

[Hydrobenz]

Again, Thank You Folks for the kind words,wisdom,ideas and support.

The NA will have it's day and time. Also want to add cigs. to list of things to lose. Too many things to leave behind right now under the stress. I have been reading alot, one of My favorite pastimes. I'm a life time leaner reading about history,science and stuff I'll never use of course.
There is always never a good time to quit I know. LOL But this is a bit over the top now. Have CT the lortabs for four days at a time before,only to fail after 3 nights no sleep and almost driving off the road falling to sleep while driving at work. I have stayed as low as possible and not been above four a day.
Now going to taper best possible with the subs. I have been cutting out benzos. That has been low already,no more than 1.25 per day for only about 2 months. So may just be ok with them.
Herbavore, last part of Your post well taken and already acted on. I have had "the talk" already and thanked Her for Her lifetime,the children,putting up with Me etc. But doubling My efforts on Your suggestions.
I don't want to turn this into a mini blog so I'll let it rest here as I could take all the thoughts in many directions, but You have threads on most of those things so I'll take them there.
Thanks and Peace

 

[Hydrobenz]

Sorry for the loss of Your Son Herbavore. It was one of the first threads I read cover to cover and have not put all the names together yet.It's way to long and to know it's most likely a hundredth of a percent of losses if even near that. So sad. Heart goes out to you as a fellow parent. We all expect to go before Our children.

 

[spacecamper]

Seemed like an ok Guy going though a lot in life. Reading over all His posts I just don't see what would have gotten the Chap banned forever? But I guess life goes on, well normally it does.