My life problems.

[Paiin]

To start this off I would like to say that I am not the best at explaining situations and things like this so hopefully I can tell my story in a way you can all understand or relate to.

Basically as far back as I can remember, I have not felt normal. When I say normal I mean as in I have never been able to fit in or socialise with people my own age which has resulted in me having friends older than me my whole life. I had a lot of problems in school as a child and to this day only have a few friends. I wasn't bullied or anything, it was just I found people my age in school to be stupid and childish. It's strange and very difficult to explain, but this is just one of my problems.

I suffer from depression, some days alot worse than others. I am very anxious of other people and what they think of me and I spend most of my time one my bedroom on my own.

Because of my depression from an early age I started smoking weed which helped alot and also helped with my trouble to sleep which could be very frustrating, but my habit kinda grew to what it is today.

I wouldn't say that I am addicted to anything or anything like that but my problem is I hate being sober, I have to self medicate to feel slightly happy which I shouldn't have too. On normal days where my life is going ok and I don't have anything playing on my mind it's ok, normally just smoke some weed and get through the day, BUT if something is making me feel badly depressed I loose myself and will do anything to stop feeling or to forget for that moment.

As an example I had a really bad phase of inhaling lighter gas, which I have heard of a few local people dying from. When I went through a depressed stage I was doing about 4-6 cans of this shit a night. This shit is lethal and I knew it was but I didn't care as it was an escape from reality.

I have made this thread way to long and I will try to sum it up now, basically all this has leaded to me being 18 years old with hardly any friends, no girlfriend, no GCSE's or any qualifications. I live a life where I feel I have shut myself off from everyone even though that's not what I want. I feel that I can't be like a normal person(mentally) and that I could not perform and fit in in the real world in the way a normal person does. I even worry that if I ever had children that they might feel somehow like I do because it is horrible.

I feel like I am wasting my life, everyone is moving on and doing something with their lives but not me.

Does anybody else feel anything close to this? Like I said it's hard to explain and I am bad at doing so. There are also another few things that I will post in later but I feel if I add more it will be too much.


Thank you for reading about me!
Please post if you can relate to me or if you have an idea on how I can try to sort myself out.

 

[freedomchild]

Go outside, take a big, deep breath of the Earth's Air and scream: I'm young!! I'm young!!! OMG, I'm young and healthy with my whole life ahead!!! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then come back in and make some lists, smile at yourself in the mirror and keep a nice smile on whenever you remember.

Life is good -- you might need to be screened for clinical depression, but life is good.

 

[Paiin]

Go outside, take a big, deep breath of the Earth's Air and scream: I'm young!! I'm young!!! OMG, I'm young and healthy with my whole life ahead!!! I'm free!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then come back in and make some lists, smile at yourself in the mirror and keep a nice smile on whenever you remember.

Life is good -- you might need to be screened for clinical depression, but life is good.

You make it sound so easy to overcome something which has troubled me my whole life so far.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Have you read through my thread called ADD/ADHD and drug abuse? Sometimes people start abusing something and they don't even realize why it's occurring.

Make a few plans for yourself which are workable, and stick to them. Don't give up and don't let yourself be afraid, be brave and keep trying in life.

 

[freedomchild]

Actually, getting up, out and doing something is VERY difficult with depression, that said...

I do have a *cough* couple years of being legally crazy, even went to crazy school (DBT and others) to back up my original post's value -- plus, I'm a bit jealous as I'm an invalid, can't go outside and am old (40ish) with all my biggie choices made and done.

Take care -- things will turn around, and then around, and then around -- again and again!

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

I've never related to or cared much for people younger than me or my own age. They annoy me, seem childish. I've never felt much like my age, always older. I too have depression, and go through self destructive phases where I use copious amounts of drugs, then I go through extremely anxious phases where I'm scared to use any drugs at all for fear of having a panic attack if the trip gets overwhelming, or if I start thinking I'm dying for no reason. Yet at the same time I feel suicidal most of the time. I'm a walking contradiction. I have only two close friends, both older than me. Anyone I'm acquainted with is also older than me. I haven't found that to be negative at all though.

I know I'm not normal for various other reasons ranging from sensing people's energies and knowing things are going to happen before they happen, and other shit. I never really cared that I wasn't normal, aside from one thing which I won't go into.

Man, you're only 18. You have time to get your shit together. having a relationshit doesn't make you a better person in my opinion...so don't feel down if you don't have a gf. I think you have to be more at terms with yourself before you can have a serious relationshit, but that's just my opinion. I actually don't support relation(shits) at all...but that's a whole other rant.

Embrace what you are, I guess. You'd be surprised by how many people you interact with everyday...they feel the same way. Everyone has insecurities.

 

[Legerity]

There is no such thing as a "normal" person. The sooner you change your focus from fitting in to accepting yourself, the more peace you will feel Relating to older people probably means you are just more mature than others your age. One of my most valuable friendships is with somebody who is 65 years old. Is that normal? I don't care. I learn more from him than anybody else.

The standard of mental health in our society is (in my opinion) insanity. We are so caught up in our own needs and unable to see what is really going on around us (the big picture) that most people are living blindly.

I understand it's difficult to feel different, but if you work with who you are rather than try to change it, things flow much more smoothly. And acceptance leads to change on its own anyways. Sometimes I try to imagine myself from somebody else's perspective and how odd or awkward I might seem at times. Or sometimes I'll post something and just wonder what the hell I was thinking. But as time goes on it gets easier to shrug off.

From a global perspective, we do not need more people to fit in. Take a good look at the world/society and see if this is really what you want to be. You who are does need to be dictated by anything outside of yourself. I spent 3 months unemployed following everyday the news from good online sources, most TV news is full of shit. It changed my outlook on the world and made me that much more determined to not care what how the rest of the world thinks I should be.

If you can accept as you are I promise you will have gifts to offer the world that will being you more satisfaction than fitting in with a crowd.

 

[malakaix]

I can relate Paiin, reading your post was like looking into a mirror.

I never got along with people my age or younger, most of my friends were 3-5 years older then me.. looking back at it now, i often wonder if i was drawn to older people not only because of there maturity but because they were a symbol of wisdom, someone who was more experienced in life. School life for me was a daze, a mere cycle of motions.. nothing good or bad ever really happened, i just did what i had to do and then went back to what i considered 'real-life'.

I'm 22 and im in the same scenario; my housemate who's 27 years old (no surprise here) recently moved out to travel around the country and i've moved back in with my folks.. i have no friends and no qualifications, i work a casual job while people my age finish there university degree's.

For a time this bothered me deeply; but what you have to understand is.. as long as your comparing yourself to others, you will never be happy, it's an endless vicious cycle... the best thing you can do is forget about what should be expected of you.. and ask yourself 'what do i want from life?' and follow it. I plan to live and travel throughout Europe next year, i don't know for how long.. i don't even know if ill come back, but for me.. i believe there is so much more to life then money and status and im keen on exploring that aspect.

Be easy on yourself, as others have noted.. your only 18. The expectation society places upon young people to know what they want to do by the time high-school is finished is a joke; there's been no life experience to gain perspective, little responsibility or knowledge of the world.. and in this culture, your overwhelmed with choice.. so it is undoubtedly hard.

Take care

 

[Paiin]

Thanks for the replys guys means alot. Nice to know people feel the same way I do. If anyone wants to contact me add me to msn <snip>email removed </snip>


I remove emails on the front of the board when I see them to prevent them being harvested for spam and sometimes compromising member anonymity via someone googling a member''s email addresses. If you put your MSN in your profile though it is available to members w/o being exposed to search spiders and the like http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/profile.php?do=editprofile << can add to profile here~Enki

 

[TheLostBoys]

Couple of things I would like to know about you first:

1) Do you like the way you look physically? Meaning your facial looks, your body & are you self conscious?

2) Do you have any "true" friends you could actually talk to like you are talking to us?

3) Im assuming you feel trapped in a bubble & you feel like things will never change for you, I actually understand this because this was me once.

 

[Paiin]

I will answer your questions.

1) I don't hate my appearance but there are a couple things I don't like about myself.

2) Yes I have a friend I could and have talked too about my problems who I see pretty much everyday just feel more comfortable talking to people who fully understand. ( I like to keep my dark side hidden )

3) Honestly I would say that's how I feel.

I will add my msn to my profile, again thank you for the replys.

 

[Asclepius]

There is no such thing as a "normal" person. The sooner you change your focus from fitting in to accepting yourself, the more peace you will feel Relating to older people probably means you are just more mature than others your age.

^This is so true the innacurate concept of normalcy is really a bastardisation of healthy functionality IMO- we are sold so much bullshit in the media and amongst certain sections of society that it does us so much damage...We have to temper our feelings of inadaquecy with some kind of spirit of acceptance, openness and passion(it can be difficult... but how else do we evolve?)

It is good to have concern for your welfare and to want to fit in to social groups however the 'one size fits all' concept is an overinflated, ignorant marketing tool in society, used to feed on others sense of insecurity to keep an economic market thriving- please bare in mind the forces is society that contribute to this and also sometimes the way we contribute to them. /rant (apologies! )

Paiin, thanks for posting this, am sure many can relate to your situation. I can certainly relate to alot of what you said here. Excess, social anxiety and withdrawl is a problem that needs to be addressed, as you are doing by posting this. There is nothing wrong with degrees of social withdrawl however, if it becomes overwhelming and you feel that you cant inch out of it, I would think considering seeking some kind of help may actually help you; just incase it escalates even further?

I experienced similar circumstances , when I was a little younger than you-also went overboard with inhalants, drink and sleeping pills-basically anything that would be near to hand and would 'get me out of myself'.
Facing ourselves is one of the most challenging things and it is an ongoing process. Your concern for yourself is a healthy one however it sounds like you feel as though you are innately 'abnormal'(which I did/do sometimes) which really isn't true; you are just comparing yourself to a standard norm- as you see it; the surface hides so much in life, it is important not to believe just what you see alone and to keep things in context(namely if you feel you are missing out on experiences, what can you change/want to change to obtain them, or, are you pining to be someone other than yourself and maybe neglecting/rejecting yourself in the process?). Be true to yourself and let off on harshly, comparing yourself to others- If you want to change somethings, change them/not and be kind to yourself!

 

[mayonaise 812]

Hey, Im 19 and it sounds like we have similar issues. I basically pushed away all my friends in highschool because I had a gf and at the time she felt like all i needed. well, that ended harshly, I started using hard drugs and clung onto anyone that would accept me. nothing good lasts forever as you know but since you dont have many friends Id say you dont know how many other people are like you in the sence that they are choosing to do nothing with their lives.

for about 4-5 months all i would do is play guitar by myself. shit i got pretty good, but i also made some new friends. and it turns out alot of people our age are the same. just depends where you look for friends i guess. but what really helped me was getting a full time job to get a sence of self worth and not being able to get fucked up 24/7. sure i dont talk much at work and everyone thinks im an asshole for that, but shit who cares what other people think they dont know your history or how you feel. live for yourself and forgive yourself for your past ways. just a step in becoming an adult. keep on keeping on :]