My life is shattered

[OxyDillyKing]

I had been clean from IV opiates for 2 years up until 3 days ago. i was on Suboxone the whole time, living a normal life, sometimes happy, sometimes a little blue. I tried so hard to find something to hold on to during this time, something comforting, something real. i tried to find something to make me whole and happy. the 2 girls that i loved, i lost them to my habit. i still love them. i would do anything to have a shot with either one, especially the younger one. im 21 years old i feel so defeated and down and depressed. after putting everything i had into trying to please everyone, i relapse on the 27th. i had gotten thirty 15mg oxycodone on the 16th, and ive been shooting them for the past few days, i have 11 left. i tried so hard to find comfort and peace in something else. now the oxy doesnt even make me feel like it used to, maybe cuz i have huge tolerance from taking 16mg of bupe the past 24 months. i thought it would cure all my problems like before, i didnt. i think im kinda still feeling shitty coming off bupe even though i have another opiate in my system. i tried having a different girl friend then the 2 i truly love that i mentioned above, i tried goin to college, i tried reading, exercising, bowling, tennis, reconnecting with my father, hanging out with family, and when it came down to it i was just desolate when ever i had to be home alone. i sometimes cry for no reason. ive stopped eating. my only comfort is in the short oxy rush, and even that is ruined by all the anxiety i feel because i know at any moment my mom could walk in and it will destroy the only thing that keeps HER depression at bay; the fact that im clean. what really drove me to this was philosophy, reading things like descartes, simulation theory, plato, and books about religion. everything that i thought i knew went out the window. i want to believe in God so much, but it shattered my christianity. im lost. i dont know who or what i am, what love is, if anything can really be know for sure. ive called into question everything ive ever known. the only please i get is in the rush and food. im 5'9 and ive gained 30 lbs i went from 145 to 175. im not fat, but i should probably only way 160. i tried to bury all mt philosophical/ religious doubts by going out with my old girl who i love ( if love even means anything ) and she rejected me pretty bad. i dont blame her. i have nothing to offer anyone but my own confusion. i dont know anything anymore, i dont even know why we consider things to be good or bad. im in meaning wasteland of playing solitaire alone all day and shooting up. im so depressed. Has anyone ever come thru the anxiety of doubting everything they thought they knew, has anyone come back to solid ground. please help me. i could just cry and cry and cry. please help me. i think of death and depressing things all day and i cant do it anymore. someone please help.

 

[blues runner]

Hang in there bro. Just hang in there. Nothing is permanent. Life changes. Your post nearly brought tears to my eyes because I've been through everything, everything you have and are now going through...for exactly the same reason. The good news is that you're so young. You have SO much life ahead of you. I'm 35. Cry if you must, it'll pass. Use if you must, one day you'll decide if that's what you'll continue doing or if you've had enough pain. Me? I'm the worst kind of addict there is. I have a good heart, a good family, a good past...but I never fail to pass up any opportunity to dig myself a deeper hole. The pain is so familiar by now, I guess I've just accepted it, plain and simple. I lost my fiancee when I was 25 because of my addiction. I still love her too. Just hang in there man. You'll be surprised I'll bet...you're tougher than you think. Chin up, dude! Peace, Jim.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey man, firstly, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so depressed and confused. Please try not to beat yourself up so much over your relapse, it happens to a LOT of recovering addicts, and it doesn't mean that you've failed or that you can't be clean again. After this brief relapse you can just get back on the wagon and keep going with your sobriety because you were doing brilliantly before. Please try to not let this create doubt in yourself too much.

what really drove me to this was philosophy, reading things like descartes, simulation theory, plato, and books about religion. everything that i thought i knew went out the window. i want to believe in God so much, but it shattered my christianity. im lost. i dont know who or what i am, what love is, if anything can really be know for sure. ive called into question everything ive ever known.

I can really relate to how confusing philosophy has been for you. I've never been religious BUT I remember studying a bit of philosophy in school and I recall that feeling of doubting absolutely everything that has happened, everything we are and all we know.
But a long long time ago I accepted and made peace with the fact that us humans cannot possibly ever know all there is to know about the world and about the universe, and even about ourselves. We are constantly learning, and I actually take solace in that fact these days. It's humbling, to me anyway. I'm not sure if this will help you at all with your current feelings on the matter...

If you'd like to talk one-on-one about what you've read and your thoughts, please feel free to PM me okay?

In terms of your actual depression, I imagine you'd be feeling a bit of guilt and shame about your relapse, but you know what? The more negative feelings you project inwardly to yourself, the more likely your depression will continue and the more likely you are to continue using. If you can try and curb your negative thoughts, and possibly use this relapse to motivate yourself to get back on track with your sobriety, I think you'd be feeling a bit better about everything. As you know, sobriety can take a lot of hard work and if you let your guard down at all you can mess it up, so you just need to keep working on it okay? Take care man

 

[H-BOY]

You think you feel bad now, just wait until the oxy runs out.
I can totally relate to alot of the stuff you are saying.
My advice, work on some deep breathing and meditation techniques.
Work on yourself, but try not to be too self centered.
Even if it feels kinda senseless, come up with some kind of non-drugrelated goal that you care about and make small steps towards completing it.
Simulation Theory is pretty cool, even just thinking about that stuff can help me sometimes. If you ever want to talk about how much life sucks or sim theory hit me up with a msg.

 

[hurtin4certain]

think about this.....

your only 20. im 27, but realize how young 27 is. I didnt when i was your age and felt similar as you do now. just realize that you literally have 40 more years (prob 70) to figure all that shit out. half the folks on this board would give their right eye to be 20 years old and have their life ahead of them. No need to even think (i know it's easier said than done) about all that stuff all at the same time. try to refocus your mind whenever those thoughts enter your head into another subject. seems stupid at first but it works.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Very well said

Simulation Theory is pretty cool, even just thinking about that stuff can help me sometimes.

If he's having trouble thinking about reality as it is, I don't think reading about sim theory is really going to help him at this stage man Baby steps.

 

[theartofwar]

When I was 18, I went to a christian college and I was a biblical study major. I was desperately seeking answers, I recall those books quite well. I also recall the day that the bible turned into oral tradition that had been canonized.
These were some of the most devastating realizations I ever made. I found out that all I had been taught (check that brain washed / forced ) was while, not entirely a false view of how to live (almost all religions offer some good aspects for advice on how to live), they were not the ONE TRUE WAY. As a matter of fact the older I get ( I am now 25 , the last two weeks I have been attending church) they tend to cause me more complications than answers.

One thing I can tell you for sure: each day is it's own entity, finding happiness and fulfillment in this one day that we have is of the utmost importance. Being able to help those who cannot seem to find either one of these pursuits in life, is the ultimate reality of good in my opinion. If god exists, good is what matters. Continue to pursue good in your actions to yourself and towards others, the bible says to have faith - if you are struggling with whether or not you believe in it, do good unto others and yourself, have faith and continue to live. At some point then your faith will be rewarded. If you are an agnostic like myself, you will find that by doing these things anyway, life begins to have purpose and meaning on it's own.

Do not be discouraged as the quote says "not all who wander are lost" - I have found this to be the backbone of my life. I do not have the answers, I question I ask, but I do not let them bring me down and beat me up. Please do not let them do the same to you.

Feel free to shoot me a PM I'm at church one a week and recently Ive been attending a group bible / discussion group on christianity and religion in general. I am the only agnostic there yet they treat me with kindness. I will certainly extend the same to you if you have any questions you'd like to bounce off me !

 

[BangoSkank]

I too am 21. Been doing some sort of opiate since I was 18. Had moments of sobriety followed by relapse. I've been told that relapse is just another step towards recovery and I'd like to believe that. I'm currently clean but I'd be lying if I said I don't still think about getting fucked up all the time. There are times when I think I've been through everything but a coffin, however I've realized that we, as a species, are incredibly adaptable and can live with almost anything.

As for the depression, anxiety, self-doubt, etc...I feel all those things man. I think part of it is just our age. We have reached the age where people expect us to know what we want to do in life and everyday breeds more and more responsibility. I feel like I've been through some of the worst things in life and yet I have nothing to show...on the outside. That is initially depressing for me but I've decided to have faith that it's all part of my journey to where I will eventually end up. It's hard to have faith in dark times though man, I understand that. The shit we go through as addicts makes us far stronger than those who don't. We take the hard road. But I believe that it will pay off in the end. Just keep making the next right move. One day at a time. just me $.02

 

[OxyDillyKing]

Thank you all.

It is pathetic that the only reason i can think of to look forward is the few moments of rush ill get from the 420 mg of oxycodone in my pocket. some times i think i have no right to feel this way since im a privileged american who gets everything without putting in much effort. than again sometimes i think if i was an african tribesman who had to focus on just surviving gathering food i might not have time to think these horrible things.

I just feel like everything i reach out to fails, either because i failed at it or it failed me. what happens when the pills are gone? i guess ill start my buprenorphine again, i have 25 of those left and can go to the doc anytime next week. im not worried about getting sick cuz i have that. i just dont know whats gonna keep me going afterward. i think during my time on bupe i started to idolize IV opiates and how good they were at taking my problems away, and it just doesnt seem to be doing it for me now. i think part of it is cuz i heard bupe shoots your opiate tolerance thru the roof, and because i just expected it to make everything be ok.

When it comes to trying to figure everything out, the only times i feel better is when i ignore. but later i feel compelled to read these things that horrify ( I.E. Descartes, evil daemon ) me, and i just end up shaking from stress and anxiety. ever since i quit IVing in march 09' and got on bupe, ive had not only depression but horrible anxiety. i have just started to get over it. i have never been medicated for it. i never had any anxiety before that. before that i hunted, i road 4 wheelers, i was brave enough to do IV, ride roller coasters. i had to call up a ton of courage just use a needle so i could relapse myself back into this trap! i try just not think about anything and pretend that everything is find. playing things like minesweeper and solitaire help but it just makes me more depressed when i think that im just doing it to avoid thinking. i had no idea that life was so cold and raw. ive been waking up out of a fantasy the past 4 years.

Thank you to all BLers. its the only place ive ever been in person or the net where people dont judge me at all for being an anxious, depressed, whining opiate addict who probably just needs to get over it. thank you all so much

 

[n3ophy7e]

When it comes to trying to figure everything out, the only times i feel better is when i ignore. but later i feel compelled to read these things that horrify ( I.E. Descartes, evil daemon ) me, and i just end up shaking from stress and anxiety.

i had no idea that life was so cold and raw.

Man, those books that you're reading, you have to understand that a lot of it isn't the absolute truth. A lot of it is just speculation, and theories, and various thoughts that those philosophers had. It doesn't necessarily mean that our reality isn't what we think it is, or that everything we thought we knew isn't real. I personally think that those old philosophers taught and encouraged humans to think more widely and deeply, which is a good thing!! Otherwise we'd still be stuck in the Dark Ages thinking that the earth is the centre of the universe :D But the actual content of what they actually wrote should only be taken with a grain of salt, and to aide our own thinking/pondering about life.
Know what I mean?

i.e. try not to get too caught up in what you read as though it's all factual, and maybe just use it to guide your own thoughts.


Anyway, all of that aside, are you currently seeing a counsellor/therapist? Have you seen one in the past? I think it could really help you to sit down with a professional and talk about what you're going through. It could help you more than you might know.

 

[OxyDillyKing]

I have thought about seeing someone but i have never got around too it. i have never gotten tested for HEP C or AIDS and the thought that i might have them eats away at me all the time. i dont even want to know cuz if i am, i will just be mentally dead, ill collapse. i couldnt handle it. i got tested after 4 months and was negative so i tell myself that to comfort the anxiety about that. i have never gotten over my girlfriend leaving cuz i was using, and i always tell myself that if i could just go back out with her all would be well. i always feel like im putting a carrot thats impossible to reach on a treadmill in front of myself and telling myself this thing is whatll make you ahappy and you dont have it right now so this is why you are depressed. in high school i smoked, since then its been opiates ( i dont like any other drugs besides opiates ), i tried being a christian, buddhist hindu, even a muslim, a stoic, i tried bodybuilding, i got back into skateboarding, i tried to have a relationship with my dad, but nothing i did sober made me any more than fleetingly happy. why is pain so concrete and constant, yet happiness is so elusive and fleetingly. i see people who seem care free and happy around me all the time. i just want to be one of them. but instead i put needles in my arm. Im barely 21 years old, and for 3 years ive been injecting myself with syringes with the equivalent of 12-15 percocet in a shot to feel something like warmth and comfort. im 21 years old and i feel like an old man in my soul. im just so tired of having to strive against life. my mother became depressed a few months ago from menopause, and i cant save her from depression. i used to rely on her to make me feel better, no i tried to hold myself together because she is so depressed now. my family is cold and falling apart. i have no right to complain, im a privileged spoled american brat who gets everything handed to him, but i just feel desolate. but i thank you all, ive had some consolation out of what you all have said

 

[cire113]

growing pains man.... they suck but you sure learn alot from those years in the early 20's...

dude i remember being high on OPIATES and still miserable....

 

[lozgod]

I am one of those "being on bupe isn't clean folks". You say you had anxiety and depression that didn't start until you started bupe.


If i was 20 and living at home and had the luxury of not having to maintain my apt, car, etc, I'd check in and cold turkey. Being on bupe so long CT would last months so that isn't an option for you. I just hate bupe and the so called "miracle" it claims to be.

 

[cire113]

^^^ Dude i dont care what anyone else says..

Being on BUPE is not CLEAN... Its a super powerful addictive opiate...

Sure it disrupts some bad behavoirs (stealing, scoring etc) ... but its the same addiction end of the day..

Its the cigarette smoker who quits and wears patches everyday...

This is my experience I was on it and quit..

Quitting opiates is hell hard but its not impossible

 

[OxyDillyKing]

yea i dont think bupe is a miracle. its just another opiate, and the only thing is that you arent doing drug fiend type shit, youre getting it from a doctor, and youre not IVing it.

 

[lozgod]

and youre not IVing it.

Some aren't.

 

[theartofwar]

^^^ Dude i dont care what anyone else says..

Being on BUPE is not CLEAN... Its a super powerful addictive opiate...

Sure it disrupts some bad behavoirs (stealing, scoring etc) ... but its the same addiction end of the day..

Its the cigarette smoker who quits and wears patches everyday...

This is my experience I was on it and quit..

Quitting opiates is hell hard but its not impossible

i know you know this, but it's a synthetic opioid and call it clean or not, it cleans up peoples LIVES if used correctly. And that's what matters imo not whether or not you get some stigma for being on a medication, for a disease (addiction).

 

[OxyDillyKing]

Does anyone know if bupe really jacks up your tolerance to other opiates? i used to do about 45-60mg of oxy in a shot, but ive only been doing 22.5-30mg. its not overwhelming, but im afraid to try the full amount to get a full rush. i just need something to feel better temporarily. i guess thats what drugs are all about, at least for me.