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Mental Health My life is getting worse and worse and I'm about to kill myself...

Edaw'Naflagn

Edaw'Naflagn

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 2, 2015
Messages
576
Location
United States of America
Well, first my life has been hell...
First got raided for growing cannabis
Second got raided again
Third got raided again AFTER MY BDAY!
Fourth I my home was burned down but an arsonist and yes, I was growing cannabis again... Call me dumb but after all those raids we had 3-4 years of GREAT luck- I was finally happy, had no depression and felt happy like how I was when I was a kid. Now let me reiterate, I'm only 20- these raids happened 1-2 years one after the other. I was not selling or even told people other than so called friends who got me caught; yes it's my fault I know I'm an idiot I just wanted to have a fun hobbie that me and my family member connected with. Then my home burns down and my family member takes the blame like he did everytime... I feel so bad for him man... Since I was 10 I had to defend for myself due to my beer abusing mother... She would verbally abuse me and mentally abuse me making me super depressed and have extreme aniexty as well. As I still do to this day! Now I have PTSD, PTS, PPD, and sucidal thoughts and yes I've tried so many times I can't count... I can't love like this any longer I'm ready to meet god and hope he let's me in those gates. I have no friends at all, I'm a weird person to everyone I met, I was bullied and even laced by my friends like they would lace my weed and then laugh while I would be tripping balls and crying/freakinf out. I also have horrid pain issues from breaking my jaw, neck. And fucked up some disc in my back yet no doctor will give me pain meds. Some days I can't even get outta bed due to the pain... So I have to buy pills off friends and what not. I have my 9mm in my hand with hydra-shocks ready to stick it in my mouth and blow my brains out. I'm only alive for my dad and mother and yes I live with my father since I have no home now. Also to add more fucked up shit to this horrid mix- the same ass hole who set my home on fire did it again about 4 days later and now my house is nothing but rubble... Lost everything.... I'm so depressed I tried to kill myself yesterday by jumping off a 18ft deck and fucked up and just fuxking hurt myself. I wish I had friends, I wish I had meds for this horrid pain, and wish my life wasn't like this. So I'm ready to go unless someone, anyone! Could give me a reason to live... Also I've only had one gf and I'm wanting to leave her but know I'll be alone for the rest of my life if I do so... So what reason should I live this horrid life?
 
Before you do it, Give life a chance. I know that sounds stupid but it's true. I'm sure a large handful of people on this site have gone through something similar to your situation, And no, I'm not trying to make your situation seem like nothing, it's a BIG deal, but like you said, you're only 20. You've got so many years ahead of you. Don't let your stupid "mom" (in your case not even, just a stranger who gave birth to you then treated you like shit) or anyone else including yourself take those years away. Alot of people here have thought about ending it, and even tried. And those who survived to tell the tail are thankful everyday that they either didn't do it, or didn't succeed. Death is a painful experience too, no matter how you do it, it's shit. just give it a chance
 
GalaxyNinja66 said:
Before you do it, Give life a chance. I know that sounds stupid but it's true. I'm sure a large handful of people on this site have gone through something similar to your situation, And no, I'm not trying to make your situation seem like nothing, it's a BIG deal, but like you said, you're only 20. You've got so many years ahead of you. Don't let your stupid "mom" (in your case not even, just a stranger who gave birth to you then treated you like shit) or anyone else including yourself take those years away. Alot of people here have thought about ending it, and even tried. And those who survived to tell the tail are thankful everyday that they either didn't do it, or didn't succeed. Death is a painful experience too, no matter how you do it, it's shit. just give it a chance
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Thanks man, made me feel better- I called the suicide hotline and told them in not suicidal and just needed to talk. I cried while trying to explain it al to the person. It was hard but made me feel better. Today I just wanted to post this to see if people can help me and or just show love because not too many people in this world show love to me and it's petty due to the fact I don't do anything at all wrong...
 
You are only 20. Many ppl have gone thru these thoughts, some to a higher degree than others.i can't tell u life will get better but it will get easier
 
im currently suffering from immense depression from a recent binge... in fear that i may be stuck like this for the rest of my life. i have no motivation to go anywhere, do anything, be anything, or see anyone. but what keeps me going is the fear my mother and sister would feel if they lost me - and that everything they have done for me would be for nothing. everything happens for a reason. rock bottom is a very lonely painful place, but you know what? the only way is up from there. so pull yourself together, get excercising, make a change, impact someones life, make your parents proud, and like galaxy said before - give life a chance.
 
Festivalman1 said:
im currently suffering from immense depression from a recent binge... in fear that i may be stuck like this for the rest of my life. i have no motivation to go anywhere, do anything, be anything, or see anyone. but what keeps me going is the fear my mother and sister would feel if they lost me - and that everything they have done for me would be for nothing. everything happens for a reason. rock bottom is a very lonely painful place, but you know what? the only way is up from there. so pull yourself together, get excercising, make a change, impact someones life, make your parents proud, and like galaxy said before - give life a chance.
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Thanks man greatly appreciate your post. Made me feel a bit better I'm still suicidal and abusing drugs like opiate pills and soma/Valium and xanax....
 
get some 5-htp and sleep. lay off the drugs.... just sleep, sleep, sleep. keep up with hydration, try to get some vitamins in you, and dont miss meals. malnutrition and lack of sleep does just as bad effects on the body as withdrawals or comedowns. pm if u need anything im all ears and here to help. ive bounced out of my depression i was in from my comedown and binge, you can too
 
Festivalman1 said:
get some 5-htp and sleep. lay off the drugs.... just sleep, sleep, sleep. keep up with hydration, try to get some vitamins in you, and dont miss meals. malnutrition and lack of sleep does just as bad effects on the body as withdrawals or comedowns. pm if u need anything im all ears and here to help. ive bounced out of my depression i was in from my comedown and binge, you can too
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Thank you so much man :) I'll PM you when I need someone to talk to man. But luckily for me and my father things are some how getting better idk why but like everything we need and want it there and we can get it and keep it too. So I suppose I'll give life a chance even though I'm totally done trying and even tired making friends but have zero friends which sucks even more in my situation.... Wish I has some good hearted friends that will love and help me even through the tough times and look past my problems.
 
Well I'm about to be 100% homeless soon. My lease is up for my family beach house my mother let me stay till she sold it, and unluckily my ass got here only a month away from it being 100% sold... Only good thing is she will give me money and my dad money since she sold another home and this home too so I'll be getting money at least and maye a rental house on the beach to relax and no want to blow my brains out... It's just getting harder and harder each damn day and so much more stressful too... I called the suicide support hotline it old them I wasn't suicidal and just talked the women was nice but a asshole too kinda and really felt like she had no care about my shitty life of getting raided by the police for growing cannabis to being robbed have my home invaded and I had to defend my self got stabed in my neck broke my neck back and hip and had to grow up at 10 due to my mother not caring for me and abusing me till 16 when I moved in with my dad but she would drink like 40 beers a night and more and being home nasty men that I hated and would fight with as well as my sister would fight and threating to call the police on the dudes and shit an my mother getting into horrid car crashes which messed up her brain and body some and her having an aneurism due to her being drunk as fuck cuz a douche stood her up for another chick and she downed a bunch or like lortab or Percs Idk and fell before our vacation to the mountains and that totally fucked her up now she is like 2 different people she's normal nice and motherly when sober and on meds, but when she drinks or is depressed and or just stressed she acts like a monster and a bully to me and purposely stresses me out and makes me feel like total shit and still abuses me at times like verbally and mental like she did when I was 10-16. Having all these things happen so fast and so fuxking much have me PTSD depression, PTS PPD aniexty suicidal and I'm a bit crazy now and have no friends and just in total my life fucking sucks... I really am thinking of killing myself soon or later I can't take this pain any longer man it's been 12 years of pure hell on me and my father and mother but mostly me and my mom and dad both agree that I've been impacted much much more... I fuxking hate my life and wish I could be legally euthanized... Or do it myself by stealing phenobarbital and morphine or Dilaudid and feel up and 2-4ml rig and fill it all up with a mix of those drugs and peacfully pass away. I wish I had that option but I don't. If anyone can let me talk with them please let me know I need a friend or at least someone to talk to please!
 
Update*-
Me, my dad, & my brother and maybe my GF and her girl friend (who may want to date me and my gf like before) are moving out of my amazing but old beach house with beach front property too sadly... One good thing is I'm getting better with everything, still depressed and upset most days but my brother and dad have been the best ones that have helped me out so much since the fires happened; anyways, we found an AMAZING Condo near the beach and I get the master bed room (my dad said he hates big rooms and me and my gf can bath and shower together since I have a huge Jacuzzi in my room as well as a huge ass bed too!) and that's gonna be fun and pretty cool IMO. Only thing I will middbid my grandfathers beach house he built with his brothers twice- once after Hugo, & another time after Hugo. I grew up here as a little kid, this was my home for at least the first 5 years of my life l and more once we moved into a small community that really wasn't good to be at for me since all the kids would bully and fuck with me all the time and even they would cause legal issues tooo! We'll my home ther ie 75% gone due to some fire happy asshole/assholes... So I lost ever thing, was homles for a period of time and all of this has been the darkest time of my life and my fathers life as well... I'm glad we are moving forward slowly but im still pretty mad, depressed, paranoid, etc... Due to how the police and firemen acted towards us, espically me and my brother. They understood this was fucked up how we had a fucking arsonist burn our home down not just once but fucking two god damn times! I know it's gonna be a long while till the insurance kicks in but I really hope they don't drag this shit out for a year or more! We need the money to fix up that home and sell it off and then either move to another country or state. My family and espically myself our 100% done here and hate it here as well... Hope me and my family the best of health and luck dealing with this horrid sets of events please. I don't know how much more of this insane life of mine! Much love,
Edaw

I hope that you guys see this update and respond and give me some words of the wise and just talk to me to make me feel better and give me hope because I could really need someone to do so to just give me some advice and suggestions too to help me along this long and dark road I'm traveling down at what seems ro be a long ass time...
 
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