My life is complicated

[foulplay]

Its confusing, complicated and annoying. Ive seen and read that ecstasy (mdma) brings out the emotion in people and that it could release the emotion inside me thats trapped. I used to be ignorant of drug users, but over the past 5 years ive had the feelings of troubles in my past manifest themselves up to a point where i want to go absolutely insane. Im angry, agitated, unmotivated, fed up but i do have bouts of happiness, uplifting feelings etc on the odd occasion. The reason I come here is because I would like to try ecstasy to see if it will allow me to express the way im feeling, where other otherwise, I wouldn't say a word of how im feeling to anyone.
I feel like such an idiot typing this out here to random people on the internet but theres no better advice and support than of the minds of the experienced.

Maybe this isnt the right place for me but to be honest, any kind of communication with someone that I feel like I can connect to would just be nice.

 

[Folley]

You should take a look over in The Dark Side, it's another forum here on Bluelight. There's no drug talk there, but it's an amazing group of caring individuals that would love to listen to you.


Do I think MDMA could help you? Potentially, in a therapeutic situation, most likely... but drugs won't make you happy, not after you come down that is. They can help you come to terms with why you're UNhappy, but that's on you, not the drug.

Have you looked into the great potential for therapy that MDMA has? It's been successfully used to help many people come to terms with PTSD or similar problems

 

[augustaB]

What Folley says is quite right. If you know what's bugging you but you can't face up to it, maybe mdma will help.
For it to help you should take it in a quiet situation with somebody in whom you have confidence and who is prepared to listen to your shit.
MDMA helps you face up to your personal issues and helps you accept yourself as you are.
Even so the effects wear off and you need to hold on to the insights you gain.
Approach it with respect and it will respect you, I say.

 

[foulplay]

Thank you very much for your reply.
I know its something that i need to deal with myself but its hard as hell. I just think maybe if I had some sort of a "push" or something that would help me see more clearly, it would help my mind from blocking it out. I will definitely check that section out as well.

 

[patra]

Foulplay, I think Folley and augusta have great insight. If you were a friend of mine coming to me with this question, I would respond by asking:

Do you know what issue, or issues, you're grappling with that are causing your unhappiness?
Do you think your unhappiness, depression, or issues might be to the point where they're a medical issue?
Are you looking for MDMA to solve your problem and set you on the right path?
Do you think being able to clearly speak with someone (especially someone specific) would help you overcome your issues?

If questions 1 and 4 are yes, and 2 & 3 are no, then I'd say it could be a good experience for you given the right set and setting. If the answers are opposite to that, then I think you should consider seeing a therapist. I know a LOT of people hate hearing that advice... but after struggling myself last year over some relatively minor issues, therapy changed my life for the better. I say minor issues because I wasn't dealing with the major stuff most people would seek a therapist for (like death in the family, abuse, health issues, severe depression, etc). I was just unhappy, and that wasn't like me, and while speaking to a therapist wasn't easy because I had to really dig to figure out what was the root of my unhappiness, it really gave me perspective and helped me clarify so many things in life. It was one of the best things I ever did. And I say this after having rolled my eyes at a lot of the sorority girls I went to college with who sought the help of a therapist to work out their rich-daddy or boyfriend issues. I no longer roll my eyes to that because I believe everyone could benefit from a good therapist!

All in all... MDMA has been great for me when I know I have something very specific that I'm not able to communicate very well to a specific person. It gave me a chance to speak to someone I love in a place where I had no fear of being judged and I had no anxiety. But I would never advise a friend to use it to help them gain insight on general unhappiness, because it may leave them feeling even more confused and depressed.

And finally... don't feel shy about speaking to us here... we've all experienced something similar and we don't know who you are, there's no shame in seeking advice!

 

[foulplay]

This is the first time ive really spoken, well 'typed' my thoughts and issues to anyone whilst sober. I mean ive gotten into a drunken mess before and cried my eyes out to my girlfriend/friends before and they've been there for me thankfully. But the next day I just put on a hard face and shrug it off like it was nothing. I know for fact they can see it in my eyes that somethings wrong but im just too stubborn to express what i really feel and I annoy myself so much. I do have really bad social anxiety, I just know. I get a feeling like im alone in the world and noone will ever understand me and how i think/feel. i really wish I could express myself more and show what I really feel.

 

[patra]

This is the first time ive really spoken, well 'typed' my thoughts and issues to anyone whilst sober. I mean ive gotten into a drunken mess before and cried my eyes out to my girlfriend/friends before and they've been there for me thankfully. But the next day I just put on a hard face and shrug it off like it was nothing. I know for fact they can see it in my eyes that somethings wrong but im just too stubborn to express what i really feel and I annoy myself so much. I do have really bad social anxiety, I just know. I get a feeling like im alone in the world and noone will ever understand me and how i think/feel. i really wish I could express myself more and show what I really feel.

Do you have any qualms about seeing a therapist? I think it could be really, really helpful. It might be uncomfortable but I swear that I'm not being dramatic when I say it changed my life.

 

[foulplay]

Do you have any qualms about seeing a therapist? I think it could be really, really helpful. It might be uncomfortable but I swear that I'm not being dramatic when I say it changed my life.

Awesome that it helped you. I dunno, for me, I have this thing where I have to study people and 'work them out' in order that I trust them even a little bit. If I sat and spoke to a therapist id just be thinking "well, I know you dont really care, this is your job" and no amount of explanation on their part would make me think otherwise. Thats a really shallow/crap thing to say especially since ive only really spoken to a doctor briefly once. I know they are there to help and im sure they would listen to everything I had to say but there would be no connection. Thats probably the main problem I think, ive lost that emtional connection. I just dont have that anymore with anyone.

 

[patra]

Awesome that it helped you. I dunno, for me, I have this thing where I have to study people and 'work them out' in order that I trust them even a little bit. If I sat and spoke to a therapist id just be thinking "well, I know you dont really care, this is your job" and no amount of explanation on their part would make me think otherwise. Thats a really shallow/crap thing to say especially since ive only really spoken to a doctor briefly once. I know they are there to help and im sure they would listen to everything I had to say but there would be no connection. Thats probably the main problem I think, ive lost that emtional connection. I just dont have that anymore with anyone.

Do you need the emotional connection in order to feel like someone is helping you?

I ask because... if your car is broken, you go to a mechanic to have it fixed. The mechanic will be able to fix it whether or not they love your car model, right? Same goes for a therapist... they just can work from a very well-practiced framework to help you gain perspective on your issues and give you the capacity to solve your problems. They don't fix it for you themselves, they don't give answers (if they're a good therapist!) because it isn't their problem, it's yours. But they can help you better understand how to approach a problem, what it might be related to, why you might be experiencing it, or how you can move past it.

If it's the emotional connection you're looking for.... you mentioned your girlfriend, do you feel connected to her? Is she the one you're thinking to try MDMA with?

 

[foulplay]

Do you need the emotional connection in order to feel like someone is helping you?

I ask because... if your car is broken, you go to a mechanic to have it fixed. The mechanic will be able to fix it whether or not they love your car model, right? Same goes for a therapist... they just can work from a very well-practiced framework to help you gain perspective on your issues and give you the capacity to solve your problems. They don't fix it for you themselves, they don't give answers (if they're a good therapist!) because it isn't their problem, it's yours. But they can help you better understand how to approach a problem, what it might be related to, why you might be experiencing it, or how you can move past it.

If it's the emotional connection you're looking for.... you mentioned your girlfriend, do you feel connected to her? Is she the one you're thinking to try MDMA with?

If I was talking to someone about my emotional state then knowing that they REALLY understand how I feel by way of connection would help more but I can see what your saying.
No my girlfriend probably wouldn't take it, shes a stable women and runs like clockwork. I guess opposites do attract. I have spoken to her about stuff before, shes cares and shes a good listener but she cant wave a magic wand and make it 'better".
I would take it with friends who share similar troubled minds. It would scare me taking it. I can kind of see what it would do and i like the sound of it, but knowing my luck I would get the dodgey batch of drugs that send me to hospital or something. Im not really sure of the risks and i wish there was a 100% safe way of doing it cus id take it straight away. But saying that, ive been so drunk out my mind before where I dont know what im doing and thats probably been more dangerous.

 

[Folley]

If I was talking to someone about my emotional state then knowing that they REALLY understand how I feel by way of connection would help more but I can see what your saying.
No my girlfriend probably wouldn't take it, shes a stable women and runs like clockwork. I guess opposites do attract. I have spoken to her about stuff before, shes cares and shes a good listener but she cant wave a magic wand and make it 'better".
I would take it with friends who share similar troubled minds. It would scare me taking it. I can kind of see what it would do and i like the sound of it, but knowing my luck I would get the dodgey batch of drugs that send me to hospital or something. Im not really sure of the risks and i wish there was a 100% safe way of doing it cus id take it straight away. But saying that, ive been so drunk out my mind before where I dont know what im doing and thats probably been more dangerous.

Buy this kit, http://dancesafe.org/node/14312, it will tell you if you have real MDMA, or nasty, scary and deadly piperazines. That should help you kill any pre-trip anxiety, or at least most of it.

Im not really sure of the risks and i wish there was a 100% safe way of doing it cus id take it straight away.

Honestly? There is...

Take 120mg of pure, reagent tested, MDMA with a close few friends. Do not re-dose any more, and make sure not to use it again at a MINIMUM of three months. There is virtually no damage or neurotoxicity that will occur if you dose like that... it really only becomes harmful when you start to dose often, more than once every month or two, or are taking pills all night.


Just make sure to drink water, get a nice nights sleep after, and you shouldn't be able to notice any negative effects

 

[foulplay]

Thanks for your replies Folley. Its nice to have someone listen and have a conversation about things. I will check all that out then im going to attempt to sleep. Much

 

[5000m]

Sounds like one of my close friends is similar to you, OP. He breaks down into a crying mess after a big night of drinking and when using mdma he spends a lot of time discussing issues in his life with others that he would not otherwise be mentioned. It's good for the other person to get to know/understand you better and good for you to talk about uncomfortable topics.

RE your GF, straight up and down people are sometimes the most entertaining on mdma

Take care and try to follow Folley's dosage instructions!