All started 8 years ago... I was on a skiing trip. We partyed hard and drank a lot of alcohol. Being only 14 we did so without thinking about any consequences it may have. One day a schoolmate hit me while skiing and I was landing with my neck on the frozen ground. From then on I was feeling sick and everything morphed. I still was skiing, but I hit the ground a lot, hitting my neck and head again. At one point I wasn't able to ski anymore and decided to go back to the hotel. There I fell asleep, but in reality I was totally aware of my soroundings, just unable to control my body at all. I was screaming in the inside then my mate stepped inside the room. I was screaming and screaming but I didn't get any answer. Later on the schoolmate hitting me came into the room and pressed his butt in my face... Such hate... Well in the evening somebody finally noticed that I was in danger and so the emergency was called. In the vehicle I started to wake up. It took me 2 days to be able to speak and 5 days to be able to walk again. In the end it took me around 4 months to be back to my oldself. There was no damage or anything else. Till today I don't know the reason or what it was.
And then the real fun started... I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go to a psychotherapist, because the only thing they could do is reflect my telling. In the end you have to solve it on your own. So I didn't search for help. During this time I realiced how senseless the world really is. The thought of being free, doing what you want on your own will. In reality everybody is restricted by their emotions, social background and knowledge. Most of the things I did were planned. reactions without thinking. But I didn't want to judge differently just because of my genetics and favours. So I abandoned my emotions to treat everybody the same way. I forgave everyone and started to blame myself for alle the wrongdoings in the world, because I could stand tall. In the end I started to hallucinate thinking my father is going to rape me. I also thought that everything touched by strangers is going to poison me. The people around me were talking about me all the time, sometimes in different languages, for example they talked english even though I was living in Germany. I feared everyone, including myself. I got lonely and asexual. The day passed and it was like a blackout, laying in bed starring at the cold white wall. Nobody really noticed how bad I was doing and so I developed suidical thoughts and nearly actions like hanging or cutting myself. My cautions saved me and I didn't take drugs during this time period.
Feelings meant nothing to me. I lived my life doing the stuff, which was necessary. School and university aren't that hard, but my laziness held me back from getting good grades. Never stopping I kept on going to my voluntary social year, by helping drug addicts, homless people, Sandy victims and the poor. I didn't want to stop and confronted myself with my biggest fears, walking through Time Sqare with all the peolpe hating me and other fears.
And then 1/2 years later I met MDMA. Before that time I didn't know what it meant to be happy anymore, how good it feels to touch people to talk to them. I was able to put my bad thoughts at rest. My father wasn't the rapist I thought he was. People weren't just objects anymore. Everything started to get individual again. Starting to like myself, even though I still think that I am ugly (other people don't think so), because I am not looking like the models in TV... And I am a hetero male...
On the other side I still had bad panik attacks and finally went to psychward, because I had bad suicidial thoughts again (like the past 8 years). Being put on neuroleptics I got better and worse at the same time. My second time I was in a different place being much better than the older. I made big strides and am now diagnosed with 33.1 instead of 33.3. Such diagnoses aren't really helpful anyway and may restrict yourself, because of thinking you might be sick.
Right now I want to finally know how it is like to be in a relationship, how it is like to have a free head, how it is like to feel and finally I want live my life. The bad thing is that I thought that I wouldn't be around anymore, so I have not been planning for the future. I just have no idea what I shall do and I am kind of forced to do something. I would like to chill, experience drugs, see the world...
The only good thing is that I learned to respect anybody no matter of gender, belief or disability. I learned to see the potential in people, now I just need to see myself in a positive light. Got I hate this hopelessness if you tried so much, with nearly no results...
And then the real fun started... I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go to a psychotherapist, because the only thing they could do is reflect my telling. In the end you have to solve it on your own. So I didn't search for help. During this time I realiced how senseless the world really is. The thought of being free, doing what you want on your own will. In reality everybody is restricted by their emotions, social background and knowledge. Most of the things I did were planned. reactions without thinking. But I didn't want to judge differently just because of my genetics and favours. So I abandoned my emotions to treat everybody the same way. I forgave everyone and started to blame myself for alle the wrongdoings in the world, because I could stand tall. In the end I started to hallucinate thinking my father is going to rape me. I also thought that everything touched by strangers is going to poison me. The people around me were talking about me all the time, sometimes in different languages, for example they talked english even though I was living in Germany. I feared everyone, including myself. I got lonely and asexual. The day passed and it was like a blackout, laying in bed starring at the cold white wall. Nobody really noticed how bad I was doing and so I developed suidical thoughts and nearly actions like hanging or cutting myself. My cautions saved me and I didn't take drugs during this time period.
Feelings meant nothing to me. I lived my life doing the stuff, which was necessary. School and university aren't that hard, but my laziness held me back from getting good grades. Never stopping I kept on going to my voluntary social year, by helping drug addicts, homless people, Sandy victims and the poor. I didn't want to stop and confronted myself with my biggest fears, walking through Time Sqare with all the peolpe hating me and other fears.
And then 1/2 years later I met MDMA. Before that time I didn't know what it meant to be happy anymore, how good it feels to touch people to talk to them. I was able to put my bad thoughts at rest. My father wasn't the rapist I thought he was. People weren't just objects anymore. Everything started to get individual again. Starting to like myself, even though I still think that I am ugly (other people don't think so), because I am not looking like the models in TV... And I am a hetero male...
On the other side I still had bad panik attacks and finally went to psychward, because I had bad suicidial thoughts again (like the past 8 years). Being put on neuroleptics I got better and worse at the same time. My second time I was in a different place being much better than the older. I made big strides and am now diagnosed with 33.1 instead of 33.3. Such diagnoses aren't really helpful anyway and may restrict yourself, because of thinking you might be sick.
Right now I want to finally know how it is like to be in a relationship, how it is like to have a free head, how it is like to feel and finally I want live my life. The bad thing is that I thought that I wouldn't be around anymore, so I have not been planning for the future. I just have no idea what I shall do and I am kind of forced to do something. I would like to chill, experience drugs, see the world...
The only good thing is that I learned to respect anybody no matter of gender, belief or disability. I learned to see the potential in people, now I just need to see myself in a positive light. Got I hate this hopelessness if you tried so much, with nearly no results...
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