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My job VS my drug habits

R

RTrain

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 4, 2012
Messages
1,935
Location
NE USA
I don't know how I got to where I am right now, 6 years ago if you asked me what I'd be doing with my life and told me this is it, well I'll tell you this would be far from anything I expected. Now I am 30 and the last 6 years have been full of ups and downs, I really trace it back to almost exactly 6 years because I started to head my life in a different direction and now I find myself in a precarious situation where I feel like the only way out is to give up something I worked hard for and committed so much of my life's time to obtain.

I pretty much dedicated 4.5 years to acquiring and another 1.5 years of working this job that is not easy to get at all. The biggest problem is, along the way I have developed a drug problem that has only become worse and worse. I am addicted currently to fentanyl, the stuff people often refer to as China White ( powdered fentanyl mixed with a dilutant to make it weak enough to be safe for consumption) and Xanax (2-3 mg per day, its not Rx'd). I've been on every stupid opiate out there, started with whatever I could get my hands on, then strictly oxy, then dope, and now the dope scene has been flooded with fentanyl from clandestine labs. I want to get clean, I want to at least begin by getting off or severely lowering my Xanax dose while switching to a maintenance drug for the opiate addiction (Suboxone would be preferred).

I just don't know what to do. I feel there is no way to do this and keep my job, especially having only been there a little over 1-1/2 years. I am not in my probation year so they can't fire my very easily, but I don't believe I'd get much sympathy for the situation and they'd be much quicker to say, "see ya later" than to give me an extended amount of time off to deal with my issues. I can't work the job and be suffering from detox, it just isn't feasible. It can require way too much physical exertion to make that possible.

Its not just the job, either, my family are not aware I am so messed up, it will be extremely difficult to come clean to them, which I'd have to if I lost the job. I have so much debt its absolutely crazy from credit cards I have maxed out to feed my habit over the past 5 years. I am 30 and mooching off my parents by living in their place, I do my fair share of work around home for them and I play it off as f I'm just saving money to buy a house(couldn't be much further form the truth, I sometimes wonder how they don't have their suspicions and what they truly think I am up to). I've dug myself into such a hole and I have no idea how to get myself out. I don't know who to go to for any of this. I don't even think I can get Suboxone or methadone legitimately because of my Xanax addiction.

What does someone do at this point? I feel hopeless. I cant imagine giving up my job to get better, but I can't imagine getting better and keeping the job. I can't imagine the reaction from everyone in my life if I was to do it.
 
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RTrain said:
I just don't know what to do. I feel there is no way to do this and keep my job, especially having only been there a little over 1-1/2 years. I am not in my probation year so they can't fire my very easily, but I don't believe I'd get much sympathy for the situation and they'd be much quicker to say, "see ya later" than to give me an extended amount of time off to deal with my issues. I can't work the job and be suffering from detox, it just isn't feasible. It can require way too much physical exertion to make that possible.

Its not just the job, either, my family are not aware I am so messed up, it will be extremely difficult to come clean to them, which I'd have to if I lost the job. I have so much debt its absolutely crazy from credit cards I have maxed out to feed my habit over the past 5 years. I am 30 and mooching off my parents by living in their place, I do my fair share of work around home for them and I play it off as f I'm just saving money to buy a house(couldn't be much further form the truth, I sometimes wonder how they don't have their suspicions and what they truly think I am up to). I've dug myself into such a hole and I have no idea how to get myself out. I don't know who to go to for any of this. I don't even think I can get Suboxone or methadone legitimately because of my Xanax addiction.

What does someone do at this point? I feel hopeless. I cant imagine giving up my job to get better, but I can't imagine getting better and keeping the job. I can't imagine the reaction from everyone in my life if I was to do it.
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The first thing you have to do is to resist the temptation to give in to hopelessness (powerlessness). Life is full of fuck-ups but it is also way more forgiving than you may be able to imagine. Right now you are being honest with yourself. You will have to gauge how you can make that circle bigger by some degree of honesty with your family. I am a parent and my son was an addict. While I am sure that I did many unhelpful things (over-reacting, succumbing to my own fear, enabling and the list goes on) the bottom line is that he needed my help and more than anything, I wanted him to have it. I imagine this is the bottom line for your parents as well. It may be possible to take a medical leave for stress related problems (unspecified), long enough to detox. It sounds like losing the job would be a blow but have you really considered whether this is the life you want? If it truly is, then efforts to protect it are healthy and reasonable. If it is something that does not fit but you are trying to make it fit, maybe the hard part is not losing the job but losing the image of yourself in that job. I am not suggesting this is the case, but it is something I would ask myself if I were in your position.

Why is it hard to imagine "getting better and keeping the job"?

This is your life you are talking about. In the end, other people's reactions, the job, your family's shock or disappointment all pale in relation to your actual physical life and the possibility of losing it. It will take incredible courage but that is not something you will ever regret developing. Honesty starts with yourself but when you begin to weave all the lies that addictions demands of you, it helps to let the secrets out. They have no power if they are not secrets. And support can come from surprising places.

I'm glad that you are taking the initiative to write this all out. Again, my most heartfelt advice is to do everything in your power to stop listening to the voices in your mind that say everything is hopeless. Despair is the ultimate killer.
 
It's going to e a long road but just go step-by-step and you'll notice improvements. I really feel for you as it's a decent habit but don't let it overwhelm you. Many people have done it and so will you !!! :)
 
I hear you man. Im in the middle of a similar ordeal. Stay away from subs imo, they're a whole new nightmare. Whats working so far for me, is accepting the situation. taking the pain, convincing yourself it's the best thing to happen to you, making you stronger every minute. Kratom and lopramide(immodium) are amazing for w/ds. I'd also reccomnd stopping the ops before the xanis. The anxiety/panic attacks during wds were pretty overwhelming for me. As hard as it is for me to get motivated and moving, Working out regularly helps me a bunch.

Just remember, you're tough as nails and no punk ass drug can control your life, unless you let it. Easier said than done, I know.
 
Seek medical help. Your employer is required to give you time off as mandated by the Family Medical Leave Act. If they threaten to fire you, you can sue their asses. It will be so cut and dried it'll never see the inside of a courtroom. Don't let the fear of losing your job prevent you from seeking detox and/or residential drug treatment. Your family clearly loves you. I think if you come clean, they will support your efforts to recover.
 
Thanks for the responses. Its really cool to hear from people who can relate.

One thing that really struck me was this from Herbavore:

It sounds like losing the job would be a blow but have you really considered whether this is the life you want? If it truly is, then efforts to protect it are healthy and reasonable. If it is something that does not fit but you are trying to make it fit, maybe the hard part is not losing the job but losing the image of yourself in that job. I am not suggesting this is the case, but it is something I would ask myself if I were in your position.
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It really was an interesting quote to read, because I sort of ask myself the same thing a lot. I've only worked this job (and my prior job, which was in the same field but not a good job to make into my career) since I started using opiates. So I don't know if my true personality really even fits into this job. It would seem more like I've used drugs to help me perform it, well at least certain aspects of the jobs.

What I do know is I'd love to get on Suboxone (and stay on, because I've done atleast 5 stints on it in the past 3 years that were more than 2 weeks long, along with many other several day uses, but have yet to make it further than 2 months without caving in. Every time, I think I can chip and be fine or give myself a celebratory high for going a certain amount of time off my DOC, but it always leads back to full blown daily use). But it just keeps getting more difficult to get on Subs. I don't shoot, fortunately, but I have a massive tolerance and like I said, I use powdered street fentanyl. Trying to induce onto Subs is worse than any cold-turkey I did, which was off Oxycodone at doses of 60-150 mg per day. Since then I've always used Subs to detox, so never CT'd off H.

BTW Herbavore, I knew I recognized the username and I remember your story and why you are a BL'er. I know its been a while but just like to extend my sympathy and thank you for not just what you wrote to me but all the wise words you have that makes you one of the many people that make BL such a great resource.
 
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