I also think he might be depressed, or is at least depleted in testosterone.
This is possible - people often overlook the possibility of male postnatal depression but it does occur - this man has experienced a major change in his life as much as the woman, omitting the pregnancy and birth.
Ligaturd said:
Maybe he is depressed or just off psychologically since the baby has been born because some dynamics of your relationship have changed? There could be so many things responsible for this but perhaps it just needs time, hopefully you can find resolve within it because it is hard being in a relationship and not feeling appreciated and desired and you deserve fulfillment in all of those areas. You will figure it out and go back to getting all the physical affection and appreciation that you deserve.
That's an interesting point and a possibility I hadn't thought of that. Would it be possible that this man could feel neglected, possibly jealous of the new baby? Not saying he is I am just simply throwing out possibilities which may help. Sometimes men (or women feel jealous? or resentment at the new baby, fearing that s/he will push them out and thus act strangel, afraid that they will be judged for having such thoughts.
BlueMerlin said:
But I think the real reason for being unmotivated is his porn addiction, there are a lot of negative consequences about watching too much
Just because this man uses porn doesn't mean that he has a "porn addiction."
I can say for sure that porn can drastically alter someone's sexual focus and the more he indulges in consuming pornography and straying away from physical intimacy, the more he is conditioned to that.
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Do you have evidence to support this - or is this your opinion / experience. If the latter is the case then no disrespect but you cannot "say for sure." However, in the behaviourism perspective, evidence from Pavlov and Skinner as well as J Watson (search "Little Albert") show that we can be conditioned to behave in a certain way as a response of stimuli.
Ligaturd said:
Maybe it's something superficial like physical changes after pregnancy? I don't enjoy that aspect of humanity, vanity and men or woman being turned off by a bit weight gain but a lot of people are like that and it's unfortunate. If it is something like that I can understand how that would hurt to hear and how terrible that would feel, and if it were something like that I could see that being a hard topic to bring up for him.
I disagree that it is artificial or a form vanity to feel this way - for a partner may feel unattractive to the other after a baby, I feel you're being judgemental and seeing that in black and white. I did for many years and iit used to anger me but think about it. In a similar way that, for instance, a woman may feel that her man does not want her because he's having sex with her which, as a sexual woman, she feels intimacy shows he wants her and by not having sex the man is somehow rejecting her - if (I'll use a man as exemplar here) a man feels that his partner is no longer making the effort for him, he may perceive this as a form of rejection (similar to the woman who feels rejected at her man not having sex with him) Before we're judgemental towards the man, if he is working and the woman is exhausted through caring for the newborn, then it may be a lack of understanding on the man's part on the extent of the work the woman has to do in caring for baby Can you really judge a man who has made erroneous assumptions? Again, to use the exemplar of a man's perceiving his female partner, is postnatal, he no longer feels attractive to his partner, should be judged harshly when this really is part of evolution?
Sometimes when you feel like someone doesn't appreciate you and doesn't want to have sex with you, your body language is sort of negative and you could be giving off mixed signals.
Hurhel I am not trying to be rude or disrespect to you, and I apologise if I am coming across that way, but there are two of you in this relationship and his feelings matter as well as yours. I feel, from you, a lot of resentment, which seem to be caused by, as I said in my first post, a lack of communication on both parts. If he is saying to you he feels unable to have sex with you on a work night it's possible that he really does feel tired rather than insincerity. Can I please ask what type of job does he do? Even clerical work is tiring because the eyes are looking at a screen and focusing and we are often relying on our concentration which mental tires us, affecting us physically. It's possible that he may feel he cannot properly pleasure you when tired and so doesn't wish to disappoint you? Instead of thinking about your own needs, which of course are important, try to think of his and think about whether there are other ways of viewing his actions or words.
You were both together for twelve years and you've had a baby together so you've done something right until.
Sorry - though of something else,
You say that you both end up arguing, could I make a suggestion to look at the ways in which you communicate with one another. For instance, are you starting off with things such as "YOU do / don't, "you make me feel," I want, I'm sick of, and so n so on....
If you are having similar communication-pattern as the above example, then maybe changes could be made as follows; the phrase "When you do(not) do this, I feel" could be used instead of "you make me feel/ you do /don't." "I feel frustrated with the situation as it is can you sit down and talk this through?" rather than things like "I'm fed up of you not wanting sex." "When you wank off instead of having sex with me I feel you're thinking of yourself as you're meeting your own needs while mine are not met" Instead of, say, "you're selfish and lazy"
Obviously I don't know what his job is hence me asking but do you not feel it's a bit harsh to call him lazy when he could possibly be feeling tired? Let's switch the situation. You're looking after the baby, you've attended to him/her crying, done the feeding, done the winding, wiped away numerous sick, got him to sleep, changed the nappy, attended to him cause of, for example, colic, which is painful and often has them crying. You've done all this, day after day, and you're exhausted cause it's a colic baby (not saying your baby is but some can be prone to colic and can be really difficult crying for the first two to three of their life) and partner comes in wanting sex. You try explaining that you're tired out with looking after the baby through lack of understanding he perceives you as being lazy n making excuses. He turns around his says "You're selfish and lazy you only look after a baby, you know I'm a sexual person and yet I've seen you fingering yourself and looking at men in magazines "
How would this make you feel?
If you take the time to think, and try to perceive things from the other person's perspective, communicate, taking it in terms to listen and to speak, you won't need to go to couple counselling. I'm not trying to put you off doing this, but suggesting trying other things first as counselling can be costly and you may not wish for another expensive with a new baby.
Another pro-active way of dealing with this would be to give yourself a task try this - every time a negative thought about your partner comes into your head such as "he's lazy and selfish." Try to view the thoughts as a friend and say no n change it into a positive thought. So, for instance "My partner is lazy and just thinks of himself, see he's wanking off like anything over that to that tits on legs bimbo" could possible to changed to "Perhaps he is tired, like he may not understand the effort of looking after baby 24/7 I don't know how tiring his job is yea he's wanking off to the brainless bint but he doesn't have any pressure in wanting to please her / give her a good time, he may be may attending to his physical needs but it doesn't mean he feels as he does when we are intimate. Or there could possibly be another reason I'll talk to him tomorrow"
"He's lazy and definitely doesn't want me he just confirmed it by saying he won't have sex during the working week - lazy, selfish man" could be "Maybe he wants to please me and feels that he's unable to when tired, maybe he's genuinely tired and maybe he's trying to consider my feelings too, maybe he feels I'll be exhausted with having a new born baby to care for"
As for wanting another child there's nothing wrong with him wanting a child it's evolution - we are here to reproduce. That's the whole point of our existent in black and white. We are born. We grow. we mate, We reproduce. HOWEVER, I agree that it's not a good idea if there are arguments and problems in communication because if there is difficulties with one child it will only continue or ever get worst with the second.
Sorry I've wrote such a long post. I feel, from what I have read (I could be wrong as I don't know either of you) that it's a case of lack of communication that could be sorted.
PS: If you feel you need a chat you're more than welcome to PM me I won't judge you; just will listen and offer suggestions. I really do hope it turns out well (I've spent two hours writing this post
)
Evey
