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my heart is rubbled

R

redandgreen

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 19, 2012
Messages
34
I met a girl who from the moment I saw her I knew I wanted her so bad it hurt. We spent an amazing day and night together at the beach on her favorite spot smoking a thousand cigarettes and drinking wine and talking about everything and she told me how different I am and she made me feel really special, and I was struck by how amazing this girl is and how I've never met anyone like her and how she makes me feel so good and we talked and talked and talked and talked and she told me so much about her life and how much she's been through and asked me about mine and I've NEVER met a girl I've felt in this way about and I've had this problem for awhile where I can't see any sort of future for myself but with her I was imagining what we'd be like together and the happy times we could have and gosh I dunno if I'm crazy or get too attached but I'm in love with that feeling and I don't care about anything I just want her so bad. I remember just looking at her when the sun was setting all orange and red on her face and she had just read something she had written to me from her memory and I could barely speak or move my mouth and I hope she understood how I felt at least in a tiny way because I have a problem with not being able to share my emotions very well and I really hope she got how affected by her I was. I will never forget that image of her and I just want to see her again.


It was the most amazing day and night I've had in my life, and I tried texting her the other day asking if she would please talk to me because I wasn't feeling so good and I didn't get anything back and then this feeling started bubbling up in me that has been chasing me in my life for many years and we were trading some writing over email and I haven't got any replies since either, and I felt so high and good and now I'm slipping. I barely slept 4-5 hours a night after I met her for the next 3 days, I was up all night writing songs and poetry and thinking and now I feel myself crashing slowly. I left town and went back to visit my friends and it has helped because it gets me away from myself and my thoughts. I'm kind of worried something might have happened to her but I just have this sense that something is bad about how she feels about me. I can't handle knowing it's bad, this year has been so bad to me and meeting her was a life-saver, and I just turned off my phone and I can't bear to look at it, I can't check my email account I gave her anymore, I don't know what's going on with me, I can't explain it and I just want to melt away and never come back, I can't face the possibility that she'll never see me again.

I felt so bad before I met her and she made me feel so good and everything, no matter all my legal, financial, family, friend, LIFE problems, it didn't matter when I was with her. I'm not looking for advice and I'm not even sure if what I posted makes much sense but I just want to express how bad I feel and it helps a little to tell all. Reading this over it sounds so crazy but it's how I feel and I can't shake it. My friends say there are a million fish in the sea and to keep looking for love with other girls but I feel like nothing can ever top what I felt towards her and all the inadequacies and self conscious thoughts I've been prone to and all that in my life mean nothing when I think of her. I hope I hope I hope I see her again, I just wanna talk to her and hold her and look at her and listen and let her know I care. I'm fucking nuts. I wish I could just disappear into that feeling she gives me forever for the rest of my life. I just... can't bear the thought of not ever seeing her again. A part of me doesn't even care if she doesn't want me in the way I want her, this is the first time in my life I just don't care, if there's gotta be one who does the chasing i'm alright with it with this girl... in the past i'd lose total interest if a girl didn't automatically want me as much as i wanted her but there's something about her i can't shake.

It's like after all I've been going through and all the bad feelings and all the realism of the dirty old world, at this point, i don't care about being rational, this feeling i felt is just too good to forget and i just want it all the time for the rest of my life
 
i'm a little confused. the essential dilemma seems to be that you really like her and want to see her again but, at the same time, you've turned off your phone and won't check your email and you just want to melt away and never come back?

in brief, you want to see her again and never see her again at the same time? that's a bit of a paradox.

if i'm this confused, i imagine you're very confused. you have a thousand things running round in your head and your heart and you don't see to know which is true. you need to sort through your feelings and get to the heart of how you truly feel. a good way to do that is to spend some time alone with no distractions asking yourself a lot of questions and giving yourself honest answers...

it is purely an aside, but texting is so lame and impersonal. next time you feel a wave of the euphoria you felt when you spent time with her, why not just call her and say "i have a great time when i'm with you. let's get together and do it again?". you obviously enjoy her company and she yours. why deprive yourself of that by over thinking what is likely a simple story?

alasdair
 
wow this woman must be wonderful - she truly left quite an impression on your mind, didn't she?

although I think you may be jumping into this thing a bit too quick, you only met just once, yeah? I think that you should try to give her a call. and try to get your multitude of emotions in check :) good luck, and have fun! be yourself, it seemed to work quite well the first time around, eh?
 
The grammarian in me has noticed the entire first paragraph is 1 sentence. lol Oh dear.

Anywho, something you need to do is feel good about yourself and don't rely on this girl to support your self esteem. Chill out. If you just met her and you're all over her texting every minute, it can be quite annoying.
 
Lysis said:
The grammarian in me has noticed the entire first paragraph is 1 sentence. lol Oh dear.

Anywho, something you need to do is feel good about yourself and don't rely on this girl to support your self esteem. Chill out. If you just met her and you're all over her texting every minute, it can be quite annoying.
Click to expand...

This.
 
Rock and aggregate building products are rubbled, for a similar, niche specific term relating to the heart try: dissected, contused or avulsed.

As for your post, holy wall of text batman! Er, text messages blow man. The voice call function often better. Why can't you check your email? It's pretty silly to have an email account and give it to people and then not check it.
 
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