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My GF Gets Angry

Johnny1 said:
^ This. Today. This minute, even.
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My ex would behave very similarly. We dated for a year and I ended up having to break things off with her a few weeks ago after a few fights. What it came down to was that she had a really crappy up bringing with parents she couldn't rely on. Consequently she ended up developing anxiety issues and what I suspect were some borderline traits. Basically she needed everything to go according to a plan (she'd make meticulous schedules) and anytime there was deviation from the plan she would get extremely upset and frustrated and sometimes even cry. Keep in mind that these emotional outbursts of frustration would be due to simple things like not getting the laundry done on a particular day. I've never seen someone get so worked up over such little things. I'm responsible for peoples lives on a regular basis and the things she would get worked up about wouldn't even register on my stress radar. But I suspect she just feels emotions very strongly either positive or negative and lacks the ability to process them appropriately. She'd also accuse me of not listening or of being difficult if I suggested an alternative way of doing things and that I needed to communicate better but I think I communicated just fine.

She would snap at me quite a bit and usually at least apologize after but it got to the point where I felt I couldn't talk to her about it anymore cause I'd always end up being the bad guy, even when I was going out of my way to give up my precious free time to help her with her own problems. It turned in to me giving more than I can afford to give and not getting much in return.

Eventually I felt like it was changing who I was and I wasn't being true to myself. I felt like I was walking on eggshells a lot and that she was subtly or subconsciously trying to dominate me. I seriously felt like I was starting to become her bitch, and I told myself long ago that I would never be that guy who has no balls and does what ever he's told.

So I did the only thing I could, I sacked up broke up with her, as difficult as it was to do. In retrospect I feel like I did the right thing and I feel like the old me again. I even notice that I'm less stressed in general and overall a happier person. The problem is that people who don't deal with frustration or anger well seldom change. Personally I believe its hard wired. Sure I could have stayed with her and tried to work things out but at the end of the day I don't think she is capable of changing. Hell she wasn't even aware that what she was doing was causing me serious distress. Bottom line is that life is too short for toxic or unhealthy relationships and that its much healthier to be single and occasionally lonely than to be trapped in a situation thats slowly chipping away at you soul day by day.
 
a lot of the time i fantasise about what it would be like to have a different girlfriend who was more chilled out and i didnt have to worry about her ruining our holidays.
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OP-If you're not even trying to make your dreams come true, then what are you doing?

gr33n3y3z said:
Wow she sounds pretty fucking miserable to be around. And she pins all her frustration on you? Maybe you could look into...
-Anger management classes
-Get her a punching bag
-If all fails and she doesn't straighten up, grow some balls and bail. You deserve to be happy.
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IMO, you give your wife/mother to your child anger management therapy, you don't give your girlfriend anger management therapy. I'd think that the vast change in the vibe between the two of you that would happen the instant you point out that something is wrong with her to the point that it requires professional attention(and you truly believe it) would be too much for a truly angry person to live with for very long. Not to mention that it wouldn't be pleasant being on the OP's end of this either. I'm talking about trying to picture yourself actually drive this chick to the session that you begged her to get booked, and she's put off for one reason or another, the problem has festered, and now there's this awkward-ass car ride to contend with.

It seems like this is such a big issue because communication is such a problem in your relationship. You'd have learned how to deal with her ridiculous anger problems (disproportionate is a great word for it, and one you should probably use when you talk to her about her anger next time) within 6 years if you actually had a great chemistry otherwise, imo...

I agree with the second 2, I'd try the last one before the second one, though.
 
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patternagainst said:
If you feel like she's being irrational, stand up for yourself, remove yourself from the situation, do whatever you need to do to let her know you won't put up with it.
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^ This. I feel like the best way to respond to anger like this is to not even react or respond to it. Straight up just don't even entertain it for a second.

I think anger and aggression are often symptoms of anxiety. Perhaps you could approach it this way - communicating to her that you feel she's stressed, and that you'd like to help her reduce her anxiety and help her feel less pressured. But, I think a personality trait like this is difficult to change. Unless she is committed to working out where her anger comes from, and dealing with it, I'm not confident that you will be able to change her. This is something that comes from her, rather than being a reaction to you, so I think any behaviourial change you made would have little effect.

It mustn't be fun to deal with that. Being around aggressive people has me constantly on alert, and that gets wearing after awhile.
 
I once had a gf who would get angry just like you describe.

She'd always blame me for things that weren't my fault and flip out.. It ruined me physically and emotionally.

We broke up. I got better ;)
 
She's probably not angry at you... She's probably acting out some kind of pain she feels inside if she's taking her anger this far. Bringing in a third party to help sort her feelings out and get to the bottom of her issues would be ideal but that can be a hard thing to get an angry person to do. You can give her ultimatums but that might make her angry as well. In such a situation you can try to compromise (which is a really basic component of relationships to begin with) and meet one another in the middle. Maybe if you can get her to go to therapy you could consider changing or doing something in return.

Good luck.
 
On the face of it sounds to me like she is tired of you and the relationship and that's just how it comes out in some people.

I used to have a girlfriend who also always got angry over little things, way out of proportion and all that. She ended up realising she had a problem though. But before that it was very hard to put in words, or pinpoint specific incidents, to demonstrate that something was wrong. In fact even when I tried to do so I'd often end up doubting and thinking maybe I was at fault after all, it can be a bit of a mindfuck. She can have good characteristics and all that but I reckon after 6 years you've just forgotten what it's like to not have that crap around. Believe me you won't believe how relieved you will be to rid yourself of such a negative presence in your life.
 
hey thanks for helping me our folks and being so caring. things have been better since the other day i explained to her that i think she has a real problem with anger and how its making me upset. i think although she denied she has a problem at the time, she has probably thought about it and decided to be more chilled out. at least i hope so. she has been working far away lately so we are not together much but the real test will be on a camping trip we are going on in a couple of weeks. if she gets angry and ruins the trip ill seriously consider ending the relationship.
 
^ During that trip, be very attentive and engaging to her and what she says/needs. If you are and she still finds a reason to be angry and blame it on you then I think you know your answer to what you should do.
 
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