Before you start, this was a pm i got from <snip>. So i hope you are reading this <snip>. Originally, i tried to write a pm (didnt know u had to be a bluelighter), so this is directed at him. Halfway through, i realized, i want to tell more people. <snip>, you directed me into opening up more. This is the first fucking time ive ever, ever, given the full truth and it felt great writing this. Im looking for some advice or maybe just your overall opinion. I do, someday want to say this to my family the weight of this will just fucking crush me if I dont. This is as good a place as any. People here are understanding, they have gone through hard times. They know what its like, hopefully there are more of you out there like <snip>.
Disclaimer: I am extremley paranoid about this story spreading. If think that this is somone you know. Do not confront them. It may be irrational, but I think i would probably kill myself if anyone saw this. And i mean that literally, i just got out of my rut, i dont wanna fall back into it.
Its a long read, but I hope you guys can help me out. Hopefully, this story will help somone else.
EDIT: PM removed to maintain privacy
Warning: Long read, please read it though. I really think you will understand.
Thanks man, i appreciate it. Not very many people can relate to what im going through. Nobody ever understands why i hardly go to school, or why i go fucked up to school all the time. It just pushes me further down into my pit. And with nobody to talk to, it really just eats away at me.
Ive considered opening up to people, but my friends dont understand, im too paranoid to see a therapist, and i cant trust my parents, Im even too paranoid to write it down on anything tangible. Ive since turned to the internet for help, its been over a year of looking for help, and YOU are the only person who hasnt condemned me for my descisions. People always feel sorry for me, or call me an idiot. Nobody really knows what its like.
Maybe that makes me sound like a self centered asshole, but im speaking from experience. I dont know how it got to be this way, i used to be an a, b student. Rarely i would take a "sick" day off from school. I never used to be a trouble maker, now, seldom a day goes by when i dont break the law.
Im not a phycologist or anything, but i have done some "internal digging". Heres where you are probably wondering (if you even read this) "why the hell is this kid still talking to me?" Well, i really cant awnser that. Maybe some part of me is still high from earlier, but it just feels great to get this down. Even if nobody reads it, it just feels fucking great to let out the truth. That might clue you in on what i belive to be my problem. Im not gonna diagnose myself with anything, but i have a big lying problem.
Scratch that, a huge lying problem. There is not a person i know that i havent lied to. Ive lost my parents trust, my relationship with my brother and sister, and even all the family on my mothers side. Im not going into specifics as i have extreme paranoia of somone i know reading this, but that incident is what started me on my destructive path. All based on one single fucking lie.
Over the years that one lie has slowly eaten away at me. I have told nobody. Not just in person, on the internet as well. I have tried to tell people online, get their reactions, get some advice. But this is the first site ive been completley honest. And when i finally get to writing it, i just cant. Thats why your message hit me so hard, and that is how i know you arent just making shit up to make me feel better.
I dont sleep at night, because of this incident. I day dream in school about how i could have changed things. Sometimes i just want to fucking end it all. And i have tried to twice, one time i drank just an insane amount of alcohol and passed out drunk in school (done this twice but the first time was an accident) The second time i just started taking handfull upon handfull of any pill i could find around the house, i ended up puking and i passed out in the bathroom.
Only within the last couple days ive realized how fucking stupid that was. Theres always a way to redeem yourself, i havent lived enough, done enough, seen enough, i cant fucking die, i cant give up. Ive had my bouts of depression every now and then, but overall, i feel motivated now. I get a free education at high school, and ill need the information for a ged any way, so why not just do the fucking work and stop bitching?
I originally wanted to get a perscription for some adhd meds, just for an extra oomph. I realized i would never get a perscription since I have a bad heart. So, i decided to get my pills (vyvanese) from a friend. Which is why i originally came on today. Anyway, ive only done it yesterday and today, gonna do it tomorrow. Today my guy got caught, so this is all im gonna get. But the pills have really been helping me, I also got a good herbal sleeping aid (valerian roots) to help me fall asleep easier.
After tomorrow, im hoping ill be able to keep motivated and to keep pushing forward.
I dont know if you are reading this still, or if you will at all. Maybe you think im a fucking creep, an attention seeking whore, or just a fucked up kid. I didnt expect to spend an hour and a half now writing this, its just that you seem like you would understand. This is the first time i have been 100% truthful to anyone for years. It's a miracle that i crossed paths with you, and im really fucking glad I did. Im really hoping you will write me back, or at least read this. But if you don't, at least i will have gotten this off my chest. (If you do read this, Im sorry for the long read, I just have alot on my mind.)
I have spent day upon day wanting to tell my story. My paranoia has prevented me from doing so. Like you said I always want to tell my story, but when the time comes, i cant.
After a little more than an hour and a half of soul dumping upon a random stranger, ive realized that I need to tell somone. I need to at least write this down. It wont solve my issues, but im hoping it will help give me the courage to step it up. Maybe post this on a public forum one day. It might sound weird, but there is no other person i would want to tell this to at the time. Im really hoping you will understand, I have never heard of any similar stories, so i cant possibly predict your response. But again, i know that once i hit send, i will have finally told somone.
In advance, i must warn you, this story is fucked up. My descisions make absolutley no sense. Why i could not simply tell the truth is beyond me. Im fucking tearing up right now, what my life could have been, if only i had just not fucking lied. Please, don't ever tell a soul this story. No matter how intresting you may think it is, or even how funny and pathetic you may think i am. I am unrationally paranoid about somone I know finding this and turning my life upside down and back. Which is why i am reluctant to put this on a public forum.
I have spent almost two hours writing this and pouring my fucking inner essence out to you. So really, i hope Bluelight dosent have a text limit. I also really want some feedback, i realize now that i want that more than anything. You really dont know how much your 3 paragraphs meant to me. To finally find somone who can relate, its a fucking godsend and i hope there are more people out there like you.
It has been exactly two hours since i started writing this. And i really hope you read this and give me some feedback. The last few paragraphs ive struggled to find words to fit my feelings. Im not trying to be dramatic, you really are the first one to hear this. My repetitiveness (if thats a word) is probably getting annoying by now. I understand, i just want you to really know who I am. Its hard for me to open up, ive always been a shelled up kinda kid. Im finally going to start now. Here goes fucking nothing. I cant belive im finally doing this.
I am going to start at the very begining. My birth. I was born with no complications, i was born with pectus exavatum however. Which is probably to blame for my bad heart. If you dont know what that is, its basically when you have a big indent in your chest. This might be to blame for my seclusive nature and social awkwardness.
My childhood up to 5th grade was great. I was homeschooled in the begining, and it was more fun then work so i was put back 2 years in school. I was always small though, so i was even height with my classmates. Besides having slightly strict parents and having to wear glasses from then on, it was the happiest time of my life. In 5th grade, i was diagnosed with two seperate heart conditions. I dont know the scientific names, but basically i was leaking unoxygenated blook back into my heart. That was fixed with surgery. The other thing, is a aorta with 2 big tubes and one small one instead of 3 evenly sized tubes. I recovered within 2 weeks of surgery, and i was back on my feet.
That surgery, I belive, had a significant impact for the rest of my social life. I was quieter, and i made less friends. I lost my "best friend" when I went into 7th grade, he moved away although im kinda glad because hes an asshole nowadays. This is also when i started to spend 2 or 3 weeks out of school because i was "sick". This is probably my first major lie, but i probably could have lived happily just doing this. In junior high, I made the best two friends i ever fucking had. Just so you can keep track of them, I will give them some fake names. Dan and Kent. In 8th grade Dan started smoking ciggeretes and drinking. Kent followed shortly after. I was completley opposed to it, i still belived that you would get addicted off one puff from a cig. They made new friends and I began to feel left out, but they helped me fit in a bit.
So, freshmen year of highschool rolls along and im nervous as should be expected. This was maybe the lonliest year of my life. I had no friends in my classes, and nobody in my lunch. I got really depressed and really just felt like a zombie, pushing through life with no real motive.
Wow, two and a half hours have rolled by. Still cant belive im doing this, but the worst is yet to come. The last month of freshmen year is when i fucked up. It was the begining of my long list of stupid lies. If i could reverse time, this is exactly where id go. It had been rainy for the last few weeks, and it finally was nice out. I was waiting at my bus stop, chatting it up with kent about the day. I only saw my friends for a half hour in the morning before school started and kent on the way home. At the time, i only thought he smoked cigs and drank occasionally. But then he says "Man, I can't wait to smoke some bud today". Then he had this look of 'oh shit' on his face.
I suspected that was slang for cigs, being naive at the time. I later googled it and learned what it really meant. Started to do some research on the herb, learned all sorts of terms and properties of weed. Then i expanded to learn about other things, ciggeretes, alcohol, hallucinogens, you name it. I wanted to immerse myself in knowlege.
The facts... were shocking. I figured, drugs are not the devils earthly temptation. That sip of wine i had at my first communion was nothing. There was a world of possibilites out there. The thought of "an alterate state of being" was mind blowing to me.
The next day... now this is where i fucked up my life. On the bus ride home, i told kent i knew about him smoking weed. Then, i sent my life into a downward spiral of lies. I told him i smoked it too, i said i started over the summer with my older cousin. The only smoke to enter my lungs then was campfire smoke. Innocent, innocent campfire smoke. Almost three and a half hours have gone by.
School ends, the last day of finals i decide to hang out with my friend kent and another friend ill just call Igor. We are chilling, and igor passes me a lit cig. Thanks to my research, i inhale it perfectly, unfortunatley i took a really long drag. I didnt know about how harsh it would be, so i cough like crazy. "Sorry, Im not used to smoking yet" was my exuse. They all thought i smoked once a month. So no big deal. I definatley wasnt expecting that light headedness.
Later that summer, i say i did acid, i hang out with kent and igor again while im "coming down" from my 'trip' the previous day.
Then, i smoked bud for the first time. Marijuana, bud, herb, grass, reefer. It was glorious. 2 blunts packed tight with roughly 3 grams each. That between 4 people, erin, who was driving, bill in the passenger, Dan my good friend on the left of me in the back seats. I dont remember much, but the mind blowingness of it all was incredible. I was thinking rapidly and creatively. My mouth was dry and simple questions were impossible tasks. I loved it. I went home and nearly ate my house dry. All the while, not a hint of paranoia.
Later in the week i go to my 2nd cousins birthday party (family party, so no drugs). Ill call her Cherry. Even though we were 2nd cousins, we spent every thanksgiving, christmas and new year together. Plus birthdays. I hadn't seen her since easter so it was lots of fun. Here's the hard part, something which for the life of me i cant understand. We, since we had hit puberty (you know where this is going) had always had a crush on each other. When we were watching tv, she would lay on my lap. Cuddle up with me.
I never made any moves, let me make that perfectly clear. I felt and still feel that it was a harmless little crush, it just got out of control. We werent ever going to have sex, or probably even kiss. And we never did. Regardless, i hate her fucking guts now. If i EVER see her, i would probably just snap. You will find out about that soon enough. But after her party, we started to text eachother, that turned into joking, which turned into flirting.
I smoked later that summer, probably early july. I got a nice 2.5 g blunt. Shared between me and kent. I could go all into details about what we did and where we went, but its pointless. It was a great time, probably the best high of my life. Still, no paranoia. Wow, four fucking hours.
And then the shit storm. One day, we have a sleep over. She comes over, and we have a good time all day. I had a one hitter and some bud i was gonna smoke, but being a dumbass, i didnt know how to light it. I was used to blunts. We play video games, watch a movie, prank call a bit, and eat chineese food. We set out the couch bed for her. My brother wants it instead (he wanted to play xbox late into the night) so she sleeps in my bros bed. Me and my bro share a room.
This is the hardest part to tell. This is single handedly, the most regretfull part of my life. I am fucking tearing up right now. Call me a pussy, call me a liar, call me dramatic. That is your opinion, what it really is, is stupid.
You know where this is going. She cuddles up in my bed, and we start talking. She is wearing super short shorts and a tank top. So its not like she was innocent here. Im a strong beliver in 'if you dont want me to look, dont dress like that'. Not much happens, we just talk about life and what drugs we have done, how far we have gotten in sex, all sorts of meaningless shit. Late into the night, she passes out. And i had an idea... a terrible, terrible idea. Free access pass. Right there. In front of me. In my own bed. Everyone is asleep. I wouldnt grab hard, just touch, just feel. It was too easy.
I didnt end up doing anything, but that thought did spin into a lie. The next day, she goes home, all is good. And she texts me, i tell her that i grabbed her ass while she was asleep. That, single handedly, is the biggest fucking mistake of my entire life. I had the skewed vision that it was a good way to see how far i could get with her. Words cannot describe the stupidity and regret i have for that day. That one fucking text screwed me over. So you can see why I am paranoid about telling people.
I drink a little over the summer, only 5 shots one boring afternoon. Nothing special. I lie about trying crack. School starts and I think all that is behind me. Oh, how naive i was. How mothefucking stupid that thought was.
I get a call after school one day in mid september. Its one of my cousins, ill call him joe. Hes 20-something and in the military. Last i heard, he was stationed in iraq. I hadnt seen him in years, we catch up and chat about life. Hes now in texas working at a secret goverment agency. Im skeptical, but it dosent matter.
I get a call the next day, its joe. Apparently, cherry told him about what I 'did'. He was very close to her, so it hurt him alot to hear about this. And i can respect that. I wanted to tell the truth. I wanted to speak up. But he got mad, said he was gonna kick my ass. He ends up telling my parents everything. They now think ive done crack, acid, weed, cigs, and alcohol. I had one puff of a cig, got high twice and got drunk once. But i dont say shit.
Heres the really fucked up part. For all intent and purposes, cherry was a whore and probably is to this day. She fucked alot for her age. Joe wasnt very clear on the phone. Basically he said "I know what you did". Apparently, cherry also had a lying problem. She told him that i fucked her. I never figured this out till my parents talked to me that night. I tried to say i only touched her, which was stupid, i should have just admitted I lied. They didnt belive me. Another really dumbass move.
I know what you are thinking "What the fuck Kipo?" "Why didnt you tell the truth Kipo?". I have one awnser, and its a great one, i have no fucking idea. I was young, i didnt know what would happen. I didnt know that christmas, thanksgiving, the 4th of july, new years, birthdays, easter, all that good stuff that is supposed to bring your family closer. It all went down the fucking drain.
Cherry's mom calls. Said she took cherry to a geneologist or however you spell it. She had signs of having alot of sex, more than once. So i could have still done it, no evidence i didnt. But our family was no longer one, we had become enemies. They tried to sue.
Nothing happened, my parents got me a good lawyer and i love them for that. I dont know if its still going on, my parents say stuff from time to time, but it hasnt been for a while. This among other things is probably the source of my paranoia.
I dont get out of rehab till just before christmas. The holidays, are for the first time, deeply depressing for me. And they have been ever since. Nothing intresting, i fake being on acid during school, dabble in some pills. I do become a big drinker though, drinking every day in school. I never count how much either. I accidently pass out drunk, i say its a migrane and i go home easy peasy. That was pretty fucking lucky.
Summer was dull, i worked for my dad all day, drank a few times. Then this year started. Junior year. I drink alot, smoke alot, my friend kent gets busted for possession. I pass out drunk in school, this time, on purpose. A suicide attempt. I survive but end up with charges. I get away with a 250 fine. Not bad. I try again to end it all with a shit ton of pills, tylenol, benadryl, claratin, vicoprofen, anything i can get my hands on. I luckily, puke and save my life. I had to have taken over 30 pills, puked em all. Then, i got secluded.
I was really depressed, and only recently came out of it. I smoked alone at home, ditching school. I seldom went out. Now, here i am. Trying to survive, hopefully i will graduate. I only smoke bud, robotrip and do adhd meds. Lets see what the future holds in store.
Thank you for your time.
This took me a whole non stop 5 and a half hours to write. Ive poured my life and soul out. My deepest fucking secrets. Please respect that.
Disclaimer: I am extremley paranoid about this story spreading. If think that this is somone you know. Do not confront them. It may be irrational, but I think i would probably kill myself if anyone saw this. And i mean that literally, i just got out of my rut, i dont wanna fall back into it.
Its a long read, but I hope you guys can help me out. Hopefully, this story will help somone else.
EDIT: PM removed to maintain privacy
Warning: Long read, please read it though. I really think you will understand.
Thanks man, i appreciate it. Not very many people can relate to what im going through. Nobody ever understands why i hardly go to school, or why i go fucked up to school all the time. It just pushes me further down into my pit. And with nobody to talk to, it really just eats away at me.
Ive considered opening up to people, but my friends dont understand, im too paranoid to see a therapist, and i cant trust my parents, Im even too paranoid to write it down on anything tangible. Ive since turned to the internet for help, its been over a year of looking for help, and YOU are the only person who hasnt condemned me for my descisions. People always feel sorry for me, or call me an idiot. Nobody really knows what its like.
Maybe that makes me sound like a self centered asshole, but im speaking from experience. I dont know how it got to be this way, i used to be an a, b student. Rarely i would take a "sick" day off from school. I never used to be a trouble maker, now, seldom a day goes by when i dont break the law.
Im not a phycologist or anything, but i have done some "internal digging". Heres where you are probably wondering (if you even read this) "why the hell is this kid still talking to me?" Well, i really cant awnser that. Maybe some part of me is still high from earlier, but it just feels great to get this down. Even if nobody reads it, it just feels fucking great to let out the truth. That might clue you in on what i belive to be my problem. Im not gonna diagnose myself with anything, but i have a big lying problem.
Scratch that, a huge lying problem. There is not a person i know that i havent lied to. Ive lost my parents trust, my relationship with my brother and sister, and even all the family on my mothers side. Im not going into specifics as i have extreme paranoia of somone i know reading this, but that incident is what started me on my destructive path. All based on one single fucking lie.
Over the years that one lie has slowly eaten away at me. I have told nobody. Not just in person, on the internet as well. I have tried to tell people online, get their reactions, get some advice. But this is the first site ive been completley honest. And when i finally get to writing it, i just cant. Thats why your message hit me so hard, and that is how i know you arent just making shit up to make me feel better.
I dont sleep at night, because of this incident. I day dream in school about how i could have changed things. Sometimes i just want to fucking end it all. And i have tried to twice, one time i drank just an insane amount of alcohol and passed out drunk in school (done this twice but the first time was an accident) The second time i just started taking handfull upon handfull of any pill i could find around the house, i ended up puking and i passed out in the bathroom.
Only within the last couple days ive realized how fucking stupid that was. Theres always a way to redeem yourself, i havent lived enough, done enough, seen enough, i cant fucking die, i cant give up. Ive had my bouts of depression every now and then, but overall, i feel motivated now. I get a free education at high school, and ill need the information for a ged any way, so why not just do the fucking work and stop bitching?
I originally wanted to get a perscription for some adhd meds, just for an extra oomph. I realized i would never get a perscription since I have a bad heart. So, i decided to get my pills (vyvanese) from a friend. Which is why i originally came on today. Anyway, ive only done it yesterday and today, gonna do it tomorrow. Today my guy got caught, so this is all im gonna get. But the pills have really been helping me, I also got a good herbal sleeping aid (valerian roots) to help me fall asleep easier.
After tomorrow, im hoping ill be able to keep motivated and to keep pushing forward.
I dont know if you are reading this still, or if you will at all. Maybe you think im a fucking creep, an attention seeking whore, or just a fucked up kid. I didnt expect to spend an hour and a half now writing this, its just that you seem like you would understand. This is the first time i have been 100% truthful to anyone for years. It's a miracle that i crossed paths with you, and im really fucking glad I did. Im really hoping you will write me back, or at least read this. But if you don't, at least i will have gotten this off my chest. (If you do read this, Im sorry for the long read, I just have alot on my mind.)
I have spent day upon day wanting to tell my story. My paranoia has prevented me from doing so. Like you said I always want to tell my story, but when the time comes, i cant.
After a little more than an hour and a half of soul dumping upon a random stranger, ive realized that I need to tell somone. I need to at least write this down. It wont solve my issues, but im hoping it will help give me the courage to step it up. Maybe post this on a public forum one day. It might sound weird, but there is no other person i would want to tell this to at the time. Im really hoping you will understand, I have never heard of any similar stories, so i cant possibly predict your response. But again, i know that once i hit send, i will have finally told somone.
In advance, i must warn you, this story is fucked up. My descisions make absolutley no sense. Why i could not simply tell the truth is beyond me. Im fucking tearing up right now, what my life could have been, if only i had just not fucking lied. Please, don't ever tell a soul this story. No matter how intresting you may think it is, or even how funny and pathetic you may think i am. I am unrationally paranoid about somone I know finding this and turning my life upside down and back. Which is why i am reluctant to put this on a public forum.
I have spent almost two hours writing this and pouring my fucking inner essence out to you. So really, i hope Bluelight dosent have a text limit. I also really want some feedback, i realize now that i want that more than anything. You really dont know how much your 3 paragraphs meant to me. To finally find somone who can relate, its a fucking godsend and i hope there are more people out there like you.
It has been exactly two hours since i started writing this. And i really hope you read this and give me some feedback. The last few paragraphs ive struggled to find words to fit my feelings. Im not trying to be dramatic, you really are the first one to hear this. My repetitiveness (if thats a word) is probably getting annoying by now. I understand, i just want you to really know who I am. Its hard for me to open up, ive always been a shelled up kinda kid. Im finally going to start now. Here goes fucking nothing. I cant belive im finally doing this.
I am going to start at the very begining. My birth. I was born with no complications, i was born with pectus exavatum however. Which is probably to blame for my bad heart. If you dont know what that is, its basically when you have a big indent in your chest. This might be to blame for my seclusive nature and social awkwardness.
My childhood up to 5th grade was great. I was homeschooled in the begining, and it was more fun then work so i was put back 2 years in school. I was always small though, so i was even height with my classmates. Besides having slightly strict parents and having to wear glasses from then on, it was the happiest time of my life. In 5th grade, i was diagnosed with two seperate heart conditions. I dont know the scientific names, but basically i was leaking unoxygenated blook back into my heart. That was fixed with surgery. The other thing, is a aorta with 2 big tubes and one small one instead of 3 evenly sized tubes. I recovered within 2 weeks of surgery, and i was back on my feet.
That surgery, I belive, had a significant impact for the rest of my social life. I was quieter, and i made less friends. I lost my "best friend" when I went into 7th grade, he moved away although im kinda glad because hes an asshole nowadays. This is also when i started to spend 2 or 3 weeks out of school because i was "sick". This is probably my first major lie, but i probably could have lived happily just doing this. In junior high, I made the best two friends i ever fucking had. Just so you can keep track of them, I will give them some fake names. Dan and Kent. In 8th grade Dan started smoking ciggeretes and drinking. Kent followed shortly after. I was completley opposed to it, i still belived that you would get addicted off one puff from a cig. They made new friends and I began to feel left out, but they helped me fit in a bit.
So, freshmen year of highschool rolls along and im nervous as should be expected. This was maybe the lonliest year of my life. I had no friends in my classes, and nobody in my lunch. I got really depressed and really just felt like a zombie, pushing through life with no real motive.
Wow, two and a half hours have rolled by. Still cant belive im doing this, but the worst is yet to come. The last month of freshmen year is when i fucked up. It was the begining of my long list of stupid lies. If i could reverse time, this is exactly where id go. It had been rainy for the last few weeks, and it finally was nice out. I was waiting at my bus stop, chatting it up with kent about the day. I only saw my friends for a half hour in the morning before school started and kent on the way home. At the time, i only thought he smoked cigs and drank occasionally. But then he says "Man, I can't wait to smoke some bud today". Then he had this look of 'oh shit' on his face.
I suspected that was slang for cigs, being naive at the time. I later googled it and learned what it really meant. Started to do some research on the herb, learned all sorts of terms and properties of weed. Then i expanded to learn about other things, ciggeretes, alcohol, hallucinogens, you name it. I wanted to immerse myself in knowlege.
The facts... were shocking. I figured, drugs are not the devils earthly temptation. That sip of wine i had at my first communion was nothing. There was a world of possibilites out there. The thought of "an alterate state of being" was mind blowing to me.
The next day... now this is where i fucked up my life. On the bus ride home, i told kent i knew about him smoking weed. Then, i sent my life into a downward spiral of lies. I told him i smoked it too, i said i started over the summer with my older cousin. The only smoke to enter my lungs then was campfire smoke. Innocent, innocent campfire smoke. Almost three and a half hours have gone by.
School ends, the last day of finals i decide to hang out with my friend kent and another friend ill just call Igor. We are chilling, and igor passes me a lit cig. Thanks to my research, i inhale it perfectly, unfortunatley i took a really long drag. I didnt know about how harsh it would be, so i cough like crazy. "Sorry, Im not used to smoking yet" was my exuse. They all thought i smoked once a month. So no big deal. I definatley wasnt expecting that light headedness.
Later that summer, i say i did acid, i hang out with kent and igor again while im "coming down" from my 'trip' the previous day.
Then, i smoked bud for the first time. Marijuana, bud, herb, grass, reefer. It was glorious. 2 blunts packed tight with roughly 3 grams each. That between 4 people, erin, who was driving, bill in the passenger, Dan my good friend on the left of me in the back seats. I dont remember much, but the mind blowingness of it all was incredible. I was thinking rapidly and creatively. My mouth was dry and simple questions were impossible tasks. I loved it. I went home and nearly ate my house dry. All the while, not a hint of paranoia.
Later in the week i go to my 2nd cousins birthday party (family party, so no drugs). Ill call her Cherry. Even though we were 2nd cousins, we spent every thanksgiving, christmas and new year together. Plus birthdays. I hadn't seen her since easter so it was lots of fun. Here's the hard part, something which for the life of me i cant understand. We, since we had hit puberty (you know where this is going) had always had a crush on each other. When we were watching tv, she would lay on my lap. Cuddle up with me.
I never made any moves, let me make that perfectly clear. I felt and still feel that it was a harmless little crush, it just got out of control. We werent ever going to have sex, or probably even kiss. And we never did. Regardless, i hate her fucking guts now. If i EVER see her, i would probably just snap. You will find out about that soon enough. But after her party, we started to text eachother, that turned into joking, which turned into flirting.
I smoked later that summer, probably early july. I got a nice 2.5 g blunt. Shared between me and kent. I could go all into details about what we did and where we went, but its pointless. It was a great time, probably the best high of my life. Still, no paranoia. Wow, four fucking hours.
And then the shit storm. One day, we have a sleep over. She comes over, and we have a good time all day. I had a one hitter and some bud i was gonna smoke, but being a dumbass, i didnt know how to light it. I was used to blunts. We play video games, watch a movie, prank call a bit, and eat chineese food. We set out the couch bed for her. My brother wants it instead (he wanted to play xbox late into the night) so she sleeps in my bros bed. Me and my bro share a room.
This is the hardest part to tell. This is single handedly, the most regretfull part of my life. I am fucking tearing up right now. Call me a pussy, call me a liar, call me dramatic. That is your opinion, what it really is, is stupid.
You know where this is going. She cuddles up in my bed, and we start talking. She is wearing super short shorts and a tank top. So its not like she was innocent here. Im a strong beliver in 'if you dont want me to look, dont dress like that'. Not much happens, we just talk about life and what drugs we have done, how far we have gotten in sex, all sorts of meaningless shit. Late into the night, she passes out. And i had an idea... a terrible, terrible idea. Free access pass. Right there. In front of me. In my own bed. Everyone is asleep. I wouldnt grab hard, just touch, just feel. It was too easy.
I didnt end up doing anything, but that thought did spin into a lie. The next day, she goes home, all is good. And she texts me, i tell her that i grabbed her ass while she was asleep. That, single handedly, is the biggest fucking mistake of my entire life. I had the skewed vision that it was a good way to see how far i could get with her. Words cannot describe the stupidity and regret i have for that day. That one fucking text screwed me over. So you can see why I am paranoid about telling people.
I drink a little over the summer, only 5 shots one boring afternoon. Nothing special. I lie about trying crack. School starts and I think all that is behind me. Oh, how naive i was. How mothefucking stupid that thought was.
I get a call after school one day in mid september. Its one of my cousins, ill call him joe. Hes 20-something and in the military. Last i heard, he was stationed in iraq. I hadnt seen him in years, we catch up and chat about life. Hes now in texas working at a secret goverment agency. Im skeptical, but it dosent matter.
I get a call the next day, its joe. Apparently, cherry told him about what I 'did'. He was very close to her, so it hurt him alot to hear about this. And i can respect that. I wanted to tell the truth. I wanted to speak up. But he got mad, said he was gonna kick my ass. He ends up telling my parents everything. They now think ive done crack, acid, weed, cigs, and alcohol. I had one puff of a cig, got high twice and got drunk once. But i dont say shit.
Heres the really fucked up part. For all intent and purposes, cherry was a whore and probably is to this day. She fucked alot for her age. Joe wasnt very clear on the phone. Basically he said "I know what you did". Apparently, cherry also had a lying problem. She told him that i fucked her. I never figured this out till my parents talked to me that night. I tried to say i only touched her, which was stupid, i should have just admitted I lied. They didnt belive me. Another really dumbass move.
I know what you are thinking "What the fuck Kipo?" "Why didnt you tell the truth Kipo?". I have one awnser, and its a great one, i have no fucking idea. I was young, i didnt know what would happen. I didnt know that christmas, thanksgiving, the 4th of july, new years, birthdays, easter, all that good stuff that is supposed to bring your family closer. It all went down the fucking drain.
Cherry's mom calls. Said she took cherry to a geneologist or however you spell it. She had signs of having alot of sex, more than once. So i could have still done it, no evidence i didnt. But our family was no longer one, we had become enemies. They tried to sue.
Nothing happened, my parents got me a good lawyer and i love them for that. I dont know if its still going on, my parents say stuff from time to time, but it hasnt been for a while. This among other things is probably the source of my paranoia.
I dont get out of rehab till just before christmas. The holidays, are for the first time, deeply depressing for me. And they have been ever since. Nothing intresting, i fake being on acid during school, dabble in some pills. I do become a big drinker though, drinking every day in school. I never count how much either. I accidently pass out drunk, i say its a migrane and i go home easy peasy. That was pretty fucking lucky.
Summer was dull, i worked for my dad all day, drank a few times. Then this year started. Junior year. I drink alot, smoke alot, my friend kent gets busted for possession. I pass out drunk in school, this time, on purpose. A suicide attempt. I survive but end up with charges. I get away with a 250 fine. Not bad. I try again to end it all with a shit ton of pills, tylenol, benadryl, claratin, vicoprofen, anything i can get my hands on. I luckily, puke and save my life. I had to have taken over 30 pills, puked em all. Then, i got secluded.
I was really depressed, and only recently came out of it. I smoked alone at home, ditching school. I seldom went out. Now, here i am. Trying to survive, hopefully i will graduate. I only smoke bud, robotrip and do adhd meds. Lets see what the future holds in store.
Thank you for your time.
This took me a whole non stop 5 and a half hours to write. Ive poured my life and soul out. My deepest fucking secrets. Please respect that.
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