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Trigger Warning My Fucked Up Addiction

I

I'm-Still-Alive

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 17, 2015
Messages
169
Location
New York
So, I am an IV cocaine user (typically I binge for a day once every couple of months). I did some fucked up shit to my boyfriend in order to get high today. I guilt tripped him, said he’d be the reason I bought again since I didn’t get to use the bag I’d bought. I then used in front of him. I feel like scum. I am lower than scum. Honestly, I don’t blame him for leaving me. If he’d told me this as a client of mine, I’d be telling him to reconsider his relationship. Anyways…. The coke has worn off, and I have the strangest feeling ever. All the other times I’ve talked about stopping, I would get this flutter in my chest, like I’m telling a lie (which I was) or secret. But this time, I feel it in my gut. I HAVE to stop. I NEED to stop. I WANT to stop. Awesome, right? Well, not when your boyfriend asks if he should set an alarm for next week to use again. Feels like a knife through the heart. But I’ve got no room to speak because of everything I’ve done. So, I just have to accept it and hope that someday he’ll believe in me again. I want this and I guess that’s all that matters.
 
kris66 said:
Don’t keep beating yourself up, people make mistakes. You can do this if it’s what you really want!
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I’ve made an appointment with a well-known outpatient for Monday at 12. I do feel horrible though. I hate that I’ve hurt my boyfriend yet again and so severely. He acts (today) as though it’s okay. But I know his reaction last night was genuine. He was drunk, and a drunk man’s words speak a sober mind. I know I need to fix this or else. My heart is broken. I feel empty inside. All for some coke. Sorry. Now I’m just writing what pops into my brain. This has been my repetitive thought process all day long though, and I just keep breaking down. I’m so trashy for hurting him like that. Using him like that. All to get high. I have to fix it all. Please if something in this universe exists, let me make a change. I don’t want to keep doing this to myself either. Ugh. My back is killing me.
 
kris66 said:
Don’t keep beating yourself up, people make mistakes. You can do this if it’s what you really want!
Click to expand...

Absolutely true.. guilt ext from use drives use and that does us absolutely no good.. it’s a trap, look at how it works. It’s not intently evil.. it’s a glitch.. a mental glitch.
 
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I gave some 7oh to a trusted peer to destroy the other day with my whole gut behind doing it.

When I got home I thought it was the stupidest thing I had ever done and immediately went out and lapsed to allow myself the experience of my drug of choice once more. Even though I was the one who was given the favor of destroying the drugs.

Dependency is weird.

Haven’t used since last Monday. Stay strong.
 
helpingout said:
I gave some 7oh to a trusted peer to destroy the other day with my whole gut behind doing it.

When I got home I thought it was the stupidest thing I had ever done and immediately went out and lapsed to allow myself the experience of my drug of choice once more. Even though I was the one who was given the favor of destroying the drugs.

Dependency is weird.

Haven’t used since last Monday. Stay strong.
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Thank you. You as well. I had my first appointment today and it was incredibly helpful. I’m trying to “focus on the present, as paying too much attention to the guilt of the past leads to use, and living in the anxiety of tomorrow can be use-inducing.”
 
I'm-Still-Alive said:
Thank you. You as well. I had my first appointment today and it was incredibly helpful. I’m trying to “focus on the present, as paying too much attention to the guilt of the past leads to use, and living in the anxiety of tomorrow can be use-inducing.”
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smart recovery is a pretty cool program you can do. Evidence based. Designed by experts not expertly. Might help you. Helps me.
 
helpingout said:
smart recovery is a pretty cool program you can do. Evidence based. Designed by experts not expertly. Might help you. Helps me.
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That’s too funny, I ordered the SMART Recovery handbook/workbook from Amazon yesterday and it should be here tomorrow. I’ve been attending online NA and SMART meetings as I have a well-known presence in the community due to my professional background.
 
I'm-Still-Alive said:
That’s too funny, I ordered the SMART Recovery handbook/workbook from Amazon yesterday and it should be here tomorrow. I’ve been attending online NA and SMART meetings as I have a well-known presence in the community due to my professional background.
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i unfortunately had to leave my 6 years old relationship because I was ready to get clean and she wasnt. I waited a year telling her everyday that i ll leave her if she doesnt make improvements in the right direction.

i am also clean now and do SMART rexovery meetings. She s unfortunately still using and i try to ghost her due to constantly lying to me( i feel terrible every time but what can i do?

If he loves you, and he sees you make improvements, things will resolve. Baby steps and sometimes you might slip. If it happens, domt beat yourself up, just start working on getting better again
 
IME, if you're at the point that you can use for a day here or there and it's something that doesn't carry a big physical dependence (or arguably any)- then you've already won half the battle. Use this motivation and momentum and do exactly what you're doing. A combination of clinical therapy via IOP and some meetings. AA, NA, SMART- whatever works for you. It sounds like you already know what has the best chances of working for you. All you need to do is want it enough to stick with the path. For many of us, losing a relationship isn't enough to get clean but it would be really great (comparatively) if it was for you! Good Luck!
 
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