Mental Health My friend won't help himself

[citizen cained]

Hi all,

Loooong time since I have been on here, missed you guys :D

anyway,

Long story short, I have a friend with depression.

Now he is a great friend and he means a lot to me and I am always there for him; the trouble is, I am the only one he turns to when he is down.

He will often say: what's the point in living? I hate myself etc etc and he also self harms and txts me about it. I have been helping him and I don't have a problem with that, the only time I have a problem is when I have exhausted all my advice and I just end up repeating myself which, as well as constant txts, stresses me out.

Anyway, the major issue is that he refuses to get professional help, he doesn't even go to the doctor to get meds (he said he went once, was diagnosed with severe depression, offered meds but refused, hasn't been to a Dr since).

I can't help him if he doesn't help himself, I don't know what to do, do I give him an ultimatum? such as "you go to the doctors or I won't speak to you again about your illness" or do I just accept it and put up with it.

Thanks.

 

[xxpurplehazexx]

Ugghh you're in a tricky situation. I'm assuming he's a really close friend who means a lot to you. Perhaps you could tactfully explain the problem to him - how you know you're the only one he turns to when he's down and how much you value his friendship, but too much heaviness stresses you out so he should see a therapist. Whatever you do, try not to make him feel like he's too needy.

 

[herbavore]

It is hard to set boundaries in any relationship but that is what has to happen in order to protect the friendship. Sometimes putting up with things because you want to be a good friend ends up undermining the friendship as resentment can be building. Maybe let your friend know that you care very much and it is your caring that compels you to urge him to go to a qualified psychologist or therapist. Talk about how stressful it is for you to think about him self-harming and that the stress is magnified because you don't feel qualified to really help him sort things out. Let him know that you are saying these things because you value the friendship so much and you are worried about both him and the relationship.

It is important to remember that we can't save people from themselves. We can express concern, love, empathy; we can be honest and real. But we cannot actually do more than that. We are conditioned to think that we have far more control than we ever actually have on anything outside of our own responses. If you keep your responses to your friend non-judgmental, empathetic but honest (including how you feel) you are being the ultimate friend. No doubt your friend is suffering. You can read through any thread in here to hear how terrible depression is to live with. There are no quick fixes and even the long-term treatments are woefully inadequate. My heart goes out to him, as it does to everyone that deals with such hard to treat, complex conditions.

 

[citizen cained]

Hey all,

I have spoke to him and he understands and thanks me for my efforts, also it turns out that he has been seeking help from other mutual friends however, he admitted to me that he is "too stubborn" to get help so to ask his mum instead (which I have done). To be honest, I do not hold much hope that he will seek help so I am asking you all here for advice on next steps (if he doesn't get help).

Thanks.

 

[Foxevil]

The advice you've been given its really good. It's hard watching someone you care about self-destruct but you can't take it on or you end up in the hole with them. Ugh I look back and I think how awful I was to the people around me who were trying to make things better and I just treated them worse than crap but I couldn't see it because I was so absorbed in feeling shit. That's the problem with mental illness, it made me so selfish and self-centered. Now I am better medicated I have more, umm, perspective?

You know be there for him but don't jump in that hole with him because you may not get out. Just let him know that you care but there are limits to what you can do for him. Number one protect yourself because he won't have the awareness to realise he is really hurting you. You can't make him get help do as crap as it might sound you may have to say, "sorry can't do anything else for you" and walk away until he is able to help himself.

Foxxx

 

[ad lib]

I think you should make it very clear to your friend how he is making you feel. Let him know that you've tried to help several times but you feel like what you say to him isn't making a difference. Let him know that he won't get better unless he helps himself, and that you can't force him to feel better.

You may need to distance yourself from your friend for a while because being around negative people all the time can take a toll on yourself as well. However, don't keep yourself too far in the instance that he truly does need you and is considering doing something to harm himself.

It's a very tough situation that you're in and I've been in it myself before too. What I did was explained to my friend that her negativity and self loathing was not helping either the friendship or herself. She eventually came around after she stopped trying to be so dependent on me to fix everything. There's only so much one person can do to help another person. If they are not willing to help themselves, then they're going to have to live with that. Situations like this are very tricky.