My first LSD trip - I tried to commit suicide, what does it mean? please help

[Marchgambino]

Hello, I did first LSD trip with my boyfriend couple days ago.
I will tell about myself first. I am 23 years old. I did small amount of mdma once at concert. It feels fun! I like it.
I never feel I can't control things in life before. Example: If i am drunk I still know how to control myself.
I am not a person who thinks about commit suicide before/never ever.
When I am mad about stuff I try to think different perspective finding reason why this happen? and It heals me to not sad and easier find way to fix it.
I don't have knowledge on LSD that much. I thought I will see something different / curve. just that ..... Let's see what happened to me.

I took only 150mg of lsd. I am staying in my boyfriend condo I am always be there. We set environment with cool music, drawing stuff, food etc.
During 2-3 hours. I feel so happy with music and everything I see different. Glitter purple glass change and move like curve. We laugh about every single stuff
I saw.

After that my boyfriend takes me to laydown talking about love. he said I started horny but I am not sure If I am.
But I read on reddit before take it that sex is amazing when you do acid so I was wondering. but he don't need sex and he said this is why bad trip start.

While I am hug him on bed. I feel super nice and I went to the light/peaceful place. I never feel like that in my entire life.
I always wonder what is love? and I always think love is just emotion that happen and gone. But on that time (while hug him), I feel/see the love I think he shows me what love is. There is no worried there is just peaceful place.

Then, I stuck in a routine loop. I feel it quick/repeat routine loop. (wake up, cooking, check the phone and work) I also wonder what time is it? where am i? Worried about family is texted me. Have to go out on the evening. It was run on my brain those time all the time.

I really want to pee and he said I already in toilet many times and I did pee. I trusted him. He said it time is infinities and then I feel nice and back to peace again. I start can't control myself. I pee on the floor and started super worried. He said okay no worried let's shower.
after I touch water, smell something good, saw flower birthday card that I gave to him. Everything made me go to peaceful place again and again.

I thought the peaceful I feel/see is reality and I thought I am dreaming when I saw his room. ( I have no idea why my brian think like that)
I am looking for light, color or food to taste. I grab something that have color I throw it away. I put crazy things(tissue) in my mouth. Loop and loop start.

I tried so hard to get there again. and he tried to stop/help me, tried to change my mood, asked me to do others things but I don't listen to him anymore.
I start kick him/ scream / said rude word to him so loud. I don't say it much in real life. I threw dishes on the floor, Ran around, saw the light on the window and want to go there. ( we are in 7 floor ) and he stop me to go closer to window ( thank you so much ) I grab a piece of the broken dish to cut my arm. I grab everything I like and I break it. I have no fear. I flight with my fear. I don't know why I did. Just thought his room is not real, didn't think that is him or me at all. just need to back to peaceful.

He help me so much. he called his friend that I know before. but I stuck in the memories/old days. Those day, He wanted me to talk with his friend because she can tell me about his relationship with another girl that he dated with while he left me. He left me for couple month and promises to come back.
It was hurt me that I see dated with others. but I do love him anyways we back. I stuck on those day, I though he gave me to talk with her from those day. I asked her question that I felt fear to know before. I didn't scream or hurt him that time at all and after she answered positive stuff and I feel nice.

After that, I see what I did to him. He has red scar from my nails on his chest and its breathing. I am back now. I said to him.
I know what I did now. This is reality not the past/future. I saw the mass I did on his room. I am more sad and sadddd and guilty. I did not want to do that. I feel so sorry to him. I am 100% don't want to hurt him never ever. I completely love him. I never said love to any boyfriend. he is my first boyfriend. not just a guy who I date with.

and my question is
- What does it mean? What's wrong with me? Why did this happen to me?
- Do I really have evil inside of me? Really? I just chased the light and happiness. but whyy?
- How can I heal his soul? I don't want to make that long-term pain. after I did I just want to escape mylife/him. I never did something bad like this in my life.
I told him the truth of everything but on his eyes seem still wondering why I hurt him.
I feel better now but worried about him what I did to him is way too painful. I want him to understand. he said doesn't mad at me but you know I feel sad it is guilty.

 

[tacodude]

Have you ever had any mental health disorders checked for such as a schizophrenia type diagnosis or what I am thinking something like bipolar? Ok no expert and am only speculating, but it seems like there are issues with how you manage what you perceive as negativity.


It sounds like every time you weren't feeling what you wanted it would throw you into a downward spiral of anxiety to depression when you tried stimulating whatever sense to bring back the good feels. A big part of your issue was you weren't able to pick up the lesson to let go and go with the substance. Honestly it sounds like while you're bf did a great job as a trip sitter during the experience especially keeping you safe when you became overwhelmed. To say the least what you went through is not uncommon.

I recommend to avoid psychedelics until you research into preparing set, setting, and substance. Spend some time to sit and think about the trip to integrate what happened to understand why it happened to avoid letting it happen again.

Welcome to the boards, feel free to ask anything sense, and I wish you the best.

 

[Wiserthanearlier]

Dont blame yourself, you were under the influence of strong drugs.

Lsd and many other drugs taken often by teens, adults etc are still strong drugs and can hsve unforeseen affects.
This sounds like a massive dose, the desire to seek the emotions that feel nice and get upset when they arent around you.
You mentioned dose was 150mg, im guessing you mean 150ug or micrograms.

Lsd doses are active at much lower than this, 70ug is a better dose for a newbie. So this is double, if the quoted amt is even accurate.

I wouldnt be upset at yourself, but consider if psychedelic drugs really need to be ones you take . It may be you are susceptible to the influence and changes.

Please at least wait a long time (months minimum) before attempting dosing again. And consider starting at a smaller dose ( 1/2 tab is generally better for beginners)
Hope you ok

 

[tacodude]

Also to answer your question nothing is wrong with you abd you're not evil just in pain for whatever reason, which is why I suggest you spend time to sit and think about why it happened. You're BF obviously loves you seeing the lengths he went to make sure you're ok. All you can do is be there for him giving him your heartfelt love while not crowding him so he has breathing room as anyone would want even you.

Just give it time as time heals all wounds.

 

[Marchgambino]

Have you ever had any mental health disorders checked for such as a schizophrenia type diagnosis or what I am thinking something like bipolar? Ok no expert and am only speculating, but it seems like there are issues with how you manage what you perceive as negativity.


It sounds like every time you weren't feeling what you wanted it would throw you into a downward spiral of anxiety to depression when you tried stimulating whatever sense to bring back the good feels. A big part of your issue was you weren't able to pick up the lesson to let go and go with the substance. Honestly it sounds like while you're bf did a great job as a trip sitter during the experience especially keeping you safe when you became overwhelmed. To say the least what you went through is not uncommon.

I recommend to avoid psychedelics until you research into preparing set, setting, and substance. Spend some time to sit and think about the trip to integrate what happened to understand why it happened to avoid letting it happen again.

Welcome to the boards, feel free to ask anything sense, and I wish you the best.

Thank you so much on your opinion. I never ever check those stuff at all. and I am not an upset person. My mom got last cancer stage 4 a month ago. It is actually saddest part of my life. First time I hear I am not freak out. I did handle it so well. my BF said that to me and eveyone too. When I am sad I just find reason/way to make everything better. I have no clue. Considering go to see doctor.

Agree, that I should have more knowledge about this. Thank you so much

 

[bolt77]

I agree with taco..you were under the influence...now it has worn off and its time to get back to normal..tell BF you sorry you had bummer but will make it up to him..help clean up and repair damage...time does heal...

 

[Marchgambino]

Dont blame yourself, you were under the influence of strong drugs.

Lsd and many other drugs taken often by teens, adults etc are still strong drugs and can hsve unforeseen affects.
This sounds like a massive dose, the desire to seek the emotions that feel nice and get upset when they arent around you.
You mentioned dose was 150mg, im guessing you mean 150ug or micrograms.

Lsd doses are active at much lower than this, 70ug is a better dose for a newbie. So this is double, if the quoted amt is even accurate.

I wouldnt be upset at yourself, but consider if psychedelic drugs really need to be ones you take . It may be you are susceptible to the influence and changes.

Please at least wait a long time (months minimum) before attempting dosing again. And consider starting at a smaller dose ( 1/2 tab is generally better for beginners)
Hope you ok

I mean milligram ... What i have read/research before is not what I saw at all.
Before I did, I thought I will see room change and move ( just visual change ) but while on it way more different than my expectation.
Thank you so much, hope all the positive things come to you.

 

[Hexagon Sun]

You had a psychotic break. As others have stated, you may not trip or take drugs in weeks or months, once you feel completely stable. If you are going to revisit psychedelics, go for a way lower dose, like a quarter or half tab instead a full dose.

 

[tacodude]

You're mother just died? That explains a lot. Even if you weren't trying to kill yourself to join her, which I'm assuming you were thinking it's obvious you would be sad.

Also remember not to take me asking about diagnosis as myself trying to make such diagnosis as I'm no way qualified to, which if why I suggest you talk to someone who is. I bet your boyfriend is just concerned and worried about you out of his love for you

You are not only a good person, but a strong person. You'll get through this and if you need support check out The dark side section of the forum and make a post there and you'll find even better support there.


Ps.

I also want to touch on love since you bring it up. There's love and there's in l love. You can have love without being in love, but you can't be in love without love. When someone cares about someone because they love them that doesn't mean they are in love. Usually one can love many things, but there's only one thing that someone is in love with that they will give their heart to. While it's fine to talk about what you love make sure their is a clear distinction between that and saying in love.

Avoid "I love you" statements that are vague although rather if you want to express that emotion try doing so in a non pressuring way like "I love that you took care of me," or "I love you because you are a caring person," or "I love that your a caring person," or even "I love you, but I am only in love with you if you feel the same way too." The 1st & 3rd are probably the least pressuring statements because they express love towards actions and qualities. The second one is a bit pressuring because you express love for them although it leaves them open to return the statement and you can even ask what they love about you in return. The last one obviously is the heaviest pressure and they would have to really respect you and listen to you to hear you out, but it also leaves them with an opportunity to let you know if they are in love with you.

I am not giving you this discussion advice around love because I want you to think that you should discuss it with him as rather I am trying to tell you the opposite. I am giving you the advice if you end up in that discussion to help you understand how difficult it is discuss it and how to talk about the love in your life while avoiding putting pressure on them.

You have a lot of personal stuff to work on now and the relation should be the last thing on the mind while at the same time it will be the best support as long as the relation stays healthy. Just figure your own stuff out now, let the relation go whatever way it goes being nowhere or somewhere whether or not it's where you want it to go. Once you figure out your own life if he's still around you can pursue things further with him then as it takes a good year at least to know if someone is in love with you.

Anyways try to take it easy and any questions you have feel free to ask us, but honestly I recommend talking to a mental health specialist and if you bring up the suicide attempt make sure to be clear it was a drug induced impulse and you have no idea why it happened and still find yourself trying to figure out why it happened as you want to live. I definitely recommend talking to a local mental health professional although of course be aware of local laws.

 

[Hodor]

I mean milligram ... What i have read/research before is not what I saw at all.
Before I did, I thought I will see room change and move ( just visual change ) but while on it way more different than my expectation.
Thank you so much, hope all the positive things come to you.

Yeah, whatever you've read doesn't seem like the most reliable source.

Starting with the fact that LSD isn't dosed in milligrams. A typical tab of LSD contains less than 100 micrograms. 150 milligrams would require you to eat ~2000 tabs.

Anyway, LSD is a fairly challenging psychedelic. There are certainly psychedelics that are primarily visual and enjoyably sensual, such as 2C-B or 2C-C, but LSD isn't one of them. It has an intense "headspace" (meaning that there is an intense, potentially disturbing effect on your emotions and thought processes during the trip) and it is significantly longer-lasting than magic mushrooms.

My advice to trippers - especially inexperienced ones - is to have a benzodiazepine (lorazepam, alprazolam, diazepam etc.) ready; you can take a small dose if you feel like things are getting out of hand to make the trip a bit lighter, or a larger dose when you're having a panic attack and are worried you're going to lose your mind if the trip doesn't end as quickly as possible.
Under no circumstances should you try to calm yourself down by smoking weed - usually that just makes the trip even more difficult.

 

[Iliketacostoo]

Thank you guys for the replies. I am the boyfriend in question, and encouraged her to seek out the opinions of others who are coming from a more caring and knowledgeable perspective than googling 'bad acid trip suicide', as that was just leading her down some bad roads. Very grateful for the community here.


I appreciate the POV from many of you here thus far. I was extremely hesitant to let her try lsd as well, due to the fact that her mother recently was diagnosed with terminal cancer and is bedridden. It creates plenty of stress in her life, all of which she buries inside her and very rarely shows. She is buddhist and grew up in a conservative asian country. To my surprise that issue never got brought up through the entirety of the trip, which was an initial worry that almost made me tell her to wait for a different time in her life to try. She's a light hearted, funny, smart and knowledge seeking person, open minded towards self-improvement. A bad trip is the last thing I would have expected, so we went ahead with it on what I thought was a low dosage. 150ug is likely what we had, in the form of sugar cubes that a trusted friend had done plenty of times before and recommended. (100 would have been much more reasonable, I have since realized). I'll refrain from posting my side of the experience for now. It was mostly just trying to help her change her mindset with music, videos, dance, water, shower, assuring her of mutual love and trust, meditation, massage, and focusing on positive things. Mostly to no avail, she was stuck in a downward spiral. I tried to give her the space she needed while also making sure she didn't cause any long term damage (hurt herself or scream so much the police come - we are not in a drug-friendly country).


To taco's points on love - I fully agree and think it could have been a strong catalyst. I'm a digital nomad so travel as a way of life. We met 3 years ago, and have had over a year together since then. When she told me she loved me the first week, I had pretty much the same response as you did above. I love everyone, but people attach different meanings to that word so I do try to frame it in clearer context and explain that actions mean more than words. I highly prefer for her to feel the love I emanate for her rather than say it through words or cute facebook posts.


I would assume that when telling her over and over that I loved her as she started sliding downhill, she associated that with some kind of lie which made her start attacking me and breaking things. She saw on reddit that sex is awesome on lsd, but I rejected her sexual advances and told her that we should enjoy the experience in other ways. It was a strong trip and I didn't want to risk any sexual trauma if either of us started getting overwhelmed in the middle of it. Maybe that says something about me. The strongest trips I've had on ayahuasca were hellish and very sexually oriented, so its something I wanted to avoid. That's my hypothesis on why things started getting out of control. She was also very angry when I casually dated another person for a couple months in a different country last year, which got brought up briefly during her trip.


I care about OP very deeply, and want the best for her. I do love her and just started telling her that in recent months. I also can't make any promises to be here forever and she understands this. I've been travelling for 7 years with no plans of settling down anytime soon. I have asked her to join me in my travels if she wishes to.


Highly agree with hodor that having benzo's on hand could have made a world of difference. This was an oversight on my part thinking we were taking a relatively mellow dose, and one thing I do regret.

 

[tacodude]

Hey thanks for joining and sharing more details... It's helping me understand more and more what happened. I believe the suicide attempt came from an attempt to start the reincarnation cycle after sharing her Buddhist beliefs, but this is speculation and she will have to figure that out for herself.

You might be right that she took the refusal to engage in sex as a rejection of her especially when you say you both read into actions. It's really hard to understand worry someone else is experiencing and despelling it especially if you are worried about them. I can see you just wanted to make sure she didn't end up feeling she was taken advantage of while intoxicated, which is very commendable and I suggest explaining it and that if she wants to try it again that you would be happy to consider it as long as she makes sure you know that she wants to do it while her mind is clear and that she trusts you to stop if she tells you so she doesn't fear telling you how she feels.

I bet if you both sit down and discuss your feelings it will really help a lot. Make sure to separate I feel statements from I think. Such as rather than saying "I think I'm sad" or "I feel you are doing such and such" instead say "I feel sad because I think you are doing such and such." Make sure you take turns to share, listen, and respond. You seem like a great couple and I wish you the best. You're definitely a great guy for her that truly is another half that allow you both to experience the whole world together.

Welcome to the board and if you have any other questions or things you want to share in hopes someone is able to share something useful in response

 

[plantintelligence]

Hey, it seems like there is unresolved trauma in you/your girlfriend (depending on who is reading this or hello to both of you if you are both reading this!). Trauma doesn't have to be severe, it can be influences from childhood and these can be so minor but play a big part in a trip. It could be bad memories and it doesn't matter how much they affected us, deep inside, we are very connected to our emotions and how we feel. It could be cultural influences too (you mention coming from a conservative Chinese heritage, perhaps the culture and social etiquette sent her mixed messages. She may of felt ashamed? Guilty? It's not unusual to feel the stigma of culture throughout a trip). It can be trauma from recent times like that of the passing of your mother which even though you dealt with it correctly will lay dormant in the back of your mind (much like 90% of things in life).

Often, when we trip we unleash all of this stuff and it doesn't matter if you have your sh*t together or not, everyone has kinks in their armour and everyone has flaws in their game, that's how life works. It can come down to many things, maybe it's programming/conditioning that we have become susceptible to throughout life (especially when it's the first time) and this programming although we don't realize it and even though it may of had good intentions (like your mum teaching you a certain way to understand right and wrong, good and bad and what path to take in life etc.) these nuances in our life can have a big effect on us subconsciously. When we think we have got our sh*t together, acid throws a spanner in the work and we realize that everything we believed could of very easily been wrong or misleading, or we didn't agree with it or we simply don't know what to agree with at the time and this causes us great confusion at the time as well as maybe unleash angry feelings, bad memories, repressed content etc.

I wouldn't take to the whole suicide event with much seriousness. Even though it sounds bizarre, it's not uncommon. Drunk people say they are going to hurt themselves all the time but there is a difference between doing is sober and saying it drunk, the same applies to these circumstances on acid. If you are not suicidal normally then this was a freak event which was spurred on by possible fear/paranoia and even a brief psychotic episode caused by the intense psychedelic experience, then factor in what's happened recently along with the cultural upbringing and then the whole situation on love and intense feelings coupled with the altercation you two seemed to of had in the past (or someone else had with the OP)... is it any wonder all of these events transpired to this ultimate ending?

Set and setting is key guys. This sounds like you weren't in the right place, it wasn't the right time and there was so much content to get through that it all came down as it did. Also, being on a 7th floor whilst on acid? Not to bring up the baloney about people jumping out of buildings high on acid but... could you not be on the ground where you feel grounded? Preferably in nature? I'm guessing it was night time also? Perhaps in the day, in a secluded spot in nature? Just you two?

Not to worry, you guys are safe and that's the main thing.

 

[Solipsis]

Hi there, welcome to both here's my perspective on your trip:

In the trip report / OP not once do I see mention of her mother's condition, leading up to the psychotic behavior. I trust she is upset about it, but I'm not sure if I believe that it could cause something like the psychotic behavior completely subconsciously. Drugs like acid typically bring your mental load to the surface so I would have expected reflection on her mother's condition or projections of her emotions, etc.

The part about realizing things about your relationship and coming back do suggest though that you generally had a lot of anxiety bottled up about matters like that, deep rooted probably and your mother's illness could generally contribute to this.

I don't believe she has mental problems based on this information either. You need to worry if after the effects should have worn off she would still experience hallucinations / voices, etc. But actually this sounds like one of the fastest returns from what sounds like a short episode of drug-induced psychosis / delirium. Everyone can experience a drug-induced psychosis or -delirium if the dose, set and setting and type of compound support it. I guess there is some temporary overload of being able to handle what is going on while on the other hand experiencing a dissociation, a separation between yourself and what is going on.

Nevertheless, if this happened with your first try I would still make sure to avoid this in the future by looking at your dosage, set and setting. First make sure that you are under less stress, including both regarding difficulties at that time as well as being upset about things in the past. Then if you ever decide to trip again, take a lower dosage... and do your best to level with your partner / co-tripper in advance. You want your trip partner to be entirely supportive and I am not saying that you weren't supportive but there clearly were issues not yet dealt with.
On acid you should expect that issues spontaneously are brought out and pretty much beg to be resolved. In a proper trip you would put in effort to try and express yourself honestly and to try and trust each other to work through it together. This trust is also a sort of commitment when you trip together anyway in my opinion. Tripping together implies that you don't try to keep deep seated problems down or hidden and that you each help each other.

I am not making a judgment call or anything or saying that you intentionally did not do this, but apparently it just so happened that she tried to keep everything peaceful and happy while troubled issues were fighting their way to the surface. Trying to fight something like that can lead to all kinds of problems and I guess potentially a psychological chasm.
IMO neither are to blame, and it is very hard to say if it could have been prevented. It does sound overall like a therapeutic trip, but you would definitely want to react in a way that is conductive to this therapeutic effect because it kind of sounds like the LSD played a big role in completing the session and sending you 'back home'.

Having a benzo on hand is a very good thing, but I'm not sure if it would have necessarily made this trip more 'healthy' if you had used it. Seems like prevention is a bigger focus and having a benzo on hand is useful for that moment when of course you have no idea how far 'out' someone is and how serious the delirious behavior is.