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My fiance has been doing meth behind my back...what should I do?

Negro-kitty, sweetheart, as if you haven't been through enough lately. :(

My best guy friend used to be a big tweaker. He lost his apartment, job, boyfriend and self-respect due to an uncontrollable meth addiction. I would hate to see your relationship end over meth... but as SLM in her always infinite wisdom said, you are dealing with a trust problem, not a drug problem.

Meth is an extremely hard drug to control, and while there is a chance I will use it in the future (I'm not as into stimulants as other friends are because I have panic disorder), I've seen what it does to people's lives.

Has your fiance shown a history of lying or is his lying essentially confined to his drug use?

You are a bright, kind and caring person with a great future ahead of you. I wholeheartedly agree that you and your fiance need counseling to get through this.

But he's not an addict, per say, I mean he doesn't use all that frequently (at least from what he has told me), and that I am actually sure of. But clearly he has no willpower when it comes to meth. That scares me. He said that he wasn't using it recreationally, just to get work done, but that's no better in my eyes.
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My bullshit detector is registering off the charts right now. If he was really ONLY to getting work done, he would have done just fine with the Adderall. Using meth on top of Adderall makes me strongly think that your fiance has a problem with stimulants and may even be developing a tolerance. As I know you are aware, tolerance can develop after only minimal use.

I hope everything works out for you and your fiance. I truly believe you need counseling and hope you both will get it so that your relationship can again be one that is based on trust.

*hugs*
 
Using drugs to get work done is BS. That's a no win proposal right there. Can I tell you about how many people I know who lost their jobs from meth? Can I tell you how close to the edge I was skating at work sometimes having not slept for days. That shit shows. You are not normal on meth. You will get aggressive and kooky with the people you work with.

Listen, I love meth my boyfriend doesn't... or at least he has no problem saying no to it. It's not that uncommon for people to like meth... a lot. What I painfully learned over the years is not to keep meth in the house. It's as simple as that. Get it out of the house! Out of sight, out of mind. We'll still get meth for party weekends, but we don't stock up on the shit, we don't have a steady connection. These things keep our home life happy and healthy. Good luck with whichever path you two take.
 
Thanks for all the great feedback. :)

I'm positive that he is not a compulsive liar. I don't believe he has ever lied about anything else (and there is nothing else he would ever have to lie about, really). I don't think he's ever been a big liar (to anyone).

That's sort of why this situation scares me so much, because it is SO unlike him to lie and hide stuff from me. We live together, we spend virtually all our time together, and our finances are intermingled. There isn't any room or reason for lying (with the exeption of this meth issue).

Fundamentally I agree that it is a trust issue. He said to me -- 'well, if you think I have a drug problem and thus no real 'control' over using meth, then it's not an issue of me disregarding you'. I told him bullshit, it still IS an issue of him disregarding me, because if something is important enough to you, it will override everything else.

My problem is that I have no way of preventing this from happening again. I'm afraid that even if I get rid of all the meth I have, that he will buy it somewhere or that he will do it with some of his friends (two of them are major tweakers). He says he would not have done it had it not been around -- but I don't believe he'd be able to turn it down if he was over a friend's and had it offered to him.[

Can any of you think of a way that will prevent him from ever do it again? I don't want to deal with this again; this shit has happened 7 fucking times. My last two serious relationships were with drug addicts -- I will not fucking deal with being in second place AGAIN.

I want to be with this man, but I am so afraid that I am just falling into my old pattern of forgiveness and sucking it up that my man prefers drugs to me. Also, I always think I can change men and of course I am always wrong.

*wahhh!* This sucks so much. It is our anniversary today. :(
 
Uh sweetie. It was your meth. You're not exactly a drug free saint, right? How can you ask him to give up something that you yourself provide plenty of triggers for. As long as you use anything, I don't think you'll be able to ask him to give up anything. I think this polarisation saying it's either me, or the drugs is inappropriate considering you yourself use.

What is appropriate is to talk about behaviors. Lying, stealing, etc are not good. Keeping it in the house in no good. Doing drugs at work is no good. People can learn to change their behavior, sometimes very slowly. Shit, I still have fuck ups from time to time... like when I do more meth than I should have and end up staying up all night before having to go into work Monday. But, I always go into work if I've fucked up. That's my punishment. If I do too much and can't get to sleep I'll lie in bed 8 hours going nuts trying to stay still and sleep. That's my punishment. Paying the dues has helped me regulate myself. Yes, I still use, and yes I still fuck up on occasion. But, ask my boyfriend... things are soooooo much better than they were a few years ago. It may have took me awhile, but I am learning control and recognising the problems of meth use and what it does to my relationships.

You got ot make your own call in this. These are just my thoughts from my experience. I'll shut up now. :)
 
Ahh,I should have mentioned, that I am 100% cool with giving up meth. That shit matters to me not at all. It's so demonized in my mind now anyway.

So BL, you think that it if it is not in the house, he will be able to not do it?
 
Fuck it, I just found out that he cut off a large chunk of this PERFECT, CRYSTAL CLEAR meth crystal that I had been SAVING, never intending to use!

AND iT WAS HIDDEN AWAY IN THIS SPECIAL LITTLE POUCH, GOING IN THERE IS LIKE GOING IN MY JOURNAL!

That fucking BASTARD!!!

I don't think I can fucking forgive that. He went too fucking far.
 
sorry you had to go thru this

NK:

I don't have many words to say..but from what I've read, it doesn't seem that he respects you enough to keep his hands off your property when he KNOWS you'll get mad if he does.


Maybe you're too forgiving..he must have had thinking he can get away from it.

Sorry dear. I hope you can be stronger and don't get too emotional about this.

Best wishes. <<<hugs>>>
 
"Methamphetamine produced clandestinely frequently contains large amounts of various solvents. One common type of solvent is Freon (frequently R-11 or R-113) which may cause a significant problem with the determination of the net weight of an exhibit.

This potential problem will be most significant with larger chunks of Methamphetamine, especially with packages as they come from the source laboratory. At room temperature any trapped Freon will, over a period of perhaps months, evaporate from the packages resulting in significant loss of weight. This process is not limited to Freon and may include other solvents such as acetone.

Clandestine Methamphetamine may contain as much as 50% solvent by weight. Therefore, in the process of drying out, such an exhibit could lose up to 50% of its weight from the time it is acquired until the crime laboratory analyzes it. Since this may cause various problems, including a question of integrity, it is obviously important that any Officers who are working Methamphetamine cases are aware of this situation.

Although an exhibit of suspected Methamphetamine might appear to be dry, it may still contain significant amounts of Freon. On the other hand, the presence of strong chemical odor does not necessarily mean that the sample is very wet and is prone to undergo a significant weight loss over time.

Additionally, different solvents will evaporate at different rates. Freon R-11 is easily evaporated and, therefore, can cause significant weight loss very quickly. Freon R-113 evaporates more slowly and may take longer periods of time to cause significant weight loss.

It is recommended that any evidence of this type be weighed in the presence of a witness and submitted to the crime laboratory as soon as possible after receipt."
==============================================
where did you get this bullshit ??? you dont use freon in rp/i2/e meth . the only freon used would be r7-17 witch is annie and that is only in the birch rxn . and if you take actone to wash the final product off tone evap's fast .....but meth does draw water witch will evap with your product .

sorry about you boyfriend ,stealing drugs aint cool . and it does kill that trust thing.

but NK i do have a question did the two of you buy the meth as a couple or was it purchase by you or the boyfriend . just asking
 
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I will lend my advice as well.

It sounds like he has more than one problem. The first problem is him doing lots of meth. Sure when i can get meth, even tho i was never addicted and could stop anytime, id do it when it was around. If my partner had a problem with it, we would work it out together, find a solution, and move on. In no way shape or form does it seem to me like you are trying to do this. From whateveryone has to say, it seems you might have a trust issue. But I can tell that this trust issue with him was there LONG before this meth issue ever came up. I have been on BL for many years, and have read quite a few of your posts mentioning him. Even before the meth problem, you talked and hinted about certain things that would lead the common person to beleive you dont have much trust in him, even if you say you do.

The second problem is the decieving. I whole hearedly agree that this can be worked through. Maybe he just needs your help and understanding, instead of you coming on here and lighting up BL with posts like THAT LITTLE BATARD. Even in other posts that dont have anything to do with his meth usuage and your problems, you call him a bastard. Have you tried to talk to him more in depth, no being accusatory? Dont point fingers, dont yell, dont say you are a bastard, but let him know how you feel, and how deeply affected you are because of this. I am never a fan of counseling, because i dont think a dr would know your problems better than you, but i think that might be a good idea. A nice neutral setting, with a moderator, so he can be open and frank without you getting on his back for his problem. If someone like yourself approached me and started to get on my shit left and right and left and right, i would turn my head off, and do what i can to stop the arguement, and forget it ever happened.

But if my partner would come up to me nicely, soothing almost, looking and truely acting like she cared about my FEELINGS, instead of your stupid stash of meth, i would be much more open to dialogue and talking about my problems.

feel free to contact me if u want to talk, ive been through this before with friends and partners and could lend some advice if needed.

aol im =cashworth2
 
I don't know either of you, but my advice would be to get out. He has lied to you, and gone through your stuff to get what he wants.

So what if you get rid of the meth? He lied to you about taking it from your stash, and I am sure it would be much easier to lie about using if he is with his friends who will no doubt enable him, plus there would be no evidence (as there was in this case).

I say, break it off, get away. If he is serious about you, he'll wake up and realize what a mistake he made by breaking your trust.

It really sucks that you had to go through this :(
 
pikk said:
where did you get this bullshit ???
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i found it on the web.

i did not state that it was the truth, or even accurate for that matter.

i just threw it out there in an attempt to show that, while some people made their minds up NK's financee was stealing, there might just be another explanation for the vanishing meth.

turns out her fiancee was stealing which is crappy.

i'm happy to discuss this with you but let's do it privately - this thread is now about NK's relationship and i don't want to drag the discussion off-topic.

all the best

alasdair
 
^^^ agreed. I was thinking about you the other day, NK... how is the situation working out for you? Are you and your fiance working out your issues?

*hugs*
 
though my experience is not exactly the same i thought id share it anyways...

My boyfriend and i, of 5 years, are now living together happily but it wasnt always like this. When he and i first met we both understood eachothers drug use and frequency, his being constant and mine almost non-existant. I was uncomfortable with it but i managed to tolerate it as long as his drug use never came before me, especially if i ever needed him. For the first 4 months of our relationship he did his thing and i was ok but one day i had a family emergency and i couldnt get in touch with him. I called his house and his cell... no answer no return call nothing. When i finally got him on the phone he told me he had been out getting high with his friends.. I was furious, he let drugs come before me and that was the one thing i would not tolerate. Well we worked it out, he said he would only use drugs when i used drugs, and i thought all was well, so it was.

In reality, however, he never stopped and i found this out later on in the relationship after my drug use increased and my attitude shifted a bit. and it happened so long ago that it seems to trivial to have an effect on our relationship. but a part of me was hurt because of this, he and i had an agreement, one based on trust, one that i felt had a correlation with the love we shared for eachother.

But another larger part of me realized how selfish my request was. I entered into a relationship knowing what the parameters of his drug use were and instead of accepting them i tried to change them or put a limit on them.

we have talked about it since then and i have come to understand that his using drugs without my knowledge and against my wishes wasnt an attack on our relationship but him just being who he was, and we have both compramised a lot since all these things have come to pass.

My biggest problem wasnt what he was doing it was just that he was doing it without my knowledge and that made me feel insecure.

negro-kitty, This may or may not relate to you, but i think the experience is similar. I feel for you and hope that you and ur fiancee can work things out. It is very painful to feel like u are being put in second place b/c of a drug, especially by someone you love. I have experienced that twice and its not something i would ever want to do again.

If i were in your situation i would definately make it clear that it wont be tolerated again. But make sure you are clear on what it is that is really bothering you about it. Whether its him doing meth at all or just without ur knowledge or participation. Figure out if he is doing it behind your back in order to not hurt you or if he is hiding it because he has a problem with it. From my point of view there is a big possibility that you are dealing with all of the above.

hope everything works itself out for you.
~sera
 
Update:

Well, we are still together. I'm doing what I can to get him treatment (psychological, pscyhiatric, etc). I think he has preexisting depression/mental health issues as well which compound the matter.

Currently, we are not engaged any longer, so you could call him my bf. These issues need to be resolved before I will consider marrying him again.

I am trying to be understanding but I have been wounded by his deception and betrayal, and by the discovery that he is not that man I thought he was.

I also worry that our views on drug are too different. His other drugs (weed etc) now bothers me far more than it once did. I can't decide whether I think it is okay or not okay for him to be smoking weed. Anyone have any thoughts on this particular matter?

As to seraph, yes, I realize that I am restricting 'who he is' (and addict, a druggie), but if he doesn't like then the relationship will end. While I compromise to some extent (on the matter of drugs other than meth), ultimately this is not an issue that I will give in on. I have dated too many addicts for that and I care too much about my future.
 
What's the difference between an addict and a user?

As long as you use drugs, chances are your going to be with another drug user. And... no two drug users are alike. They are all different in what types of drugs they like, the quantities, the when where and why they use them. Your not going to meet someone who has your exact same appetite for drugs. So, my question to you is are you holding him to YOUR standards? Because, I'm not sure he, or anyone, will meet those standards. If you want someone without drug issues, you yourself will need to be drug free. Only people who do drugs have drug issues.

Now, don't get me wrong. I understand completely your desire not to want to be dating a daily meth user. They can get kooky. And, without a doubt, stealing from your girlfriend is so very wrong. Bad boyfriend! Bad, bad, bad. I hope he intends to pay you back every fucking cent for the meth he used. That's always been my partner and my understanding. We buy meth together. If there is some left over and I gobble it down like I usually do, I pay him for it.

But, it seems to me, from what I'm hearing you are simply upset with him using drugs. I haven't heard you saying 'I hate that he's so stoned all the time cuz we never have sex, or talk when he's stoned', or 'I hate when he does meth because he becomes this big ole meany'. Fact is you didn't even know he was on meth. The bottom line is does he make you happy? Forget the drugs for a moment and ask if you are basically satisfied with the relationship. Does he care for you? Because this is what's most important. Though you should kick his ass for stealing from you and lying to you... several times.

BTW - I'm not trying to defend him. If you are unhappy with him then you are unhappy with him. End of story.
 
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Blue Lava said:
If you want someone without drug issues, you yourself will need to be drug free. Only people who do drugs have drug issues.
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In a nutshell, this pretty much hits the nail on the head. If you have a problem with his meth use, you have to take drugs out of the equation entirely. That means your use as well.

I hope you took the time to carefully read Love in Vein's response in OD, that guy really knows what he's talking about. I would recommend talking to him in depth about this problem if you haven't already.

Finally, I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out.
 
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