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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

My fiancée has chosen heroin over me ='(

Derschieber said:
junkies wife...

I hope you are ok. As you invite opinions and advice, I will gladly share with you my thoughts on all this. First of all, I feel that much of what has been said here already is somewhat bias. I can understand that, but I feel concerned over the way others are understating some obvious facts. You are in a relationship with an abuser. Regardless of the drugs, he is an abuser. Do not be fooled by his periods of being nice. Being nice is perfectly normal for all abusers. It is an important part of the cycle. He may change his abusive attitudes, but this is highly unlikely.

You are used to something extremely unhealthy. It is not possible for you to see just how damaging your relationship has become for you. Until you have removed yourself (and your dear children) from this abuse, you will not recognise how extraordinary and severe is your life in all this. I can see from what you have shared, that your relationship has nothing to do with love, nurturing or companionship. There is nothing there that can even be remotely seen as desirable or healthy. I would not tell you to end the relationship. This is a personal decision. But I will tell you that you had better remove yourself completely for at least 3-6 months. You are in a bad way. Begin to care for yourself !! Time has come to pamper yourself. This is not selfish. You are wounded. You are damaged. You deserve to be looking after yourself alone now.

Abusers will have you worrying, thinking and obsessing over them, until your entire life revolves around him. Stop this now please. You need to take care of yourself. You need to recover. His life must not be your concern any more. Trust me on this: No one in their right mind would willingly get into that parody you call a relationship. Not ever. You gradually sank into this mess, like people do. Now you get out. He may or he may not recover...in any case, when you get well, there is very little chance you would want to get back into this. You can't see it now, but you will. Unlike your so-called partner, you are not addicted. Your recovery is assured. You will not be craving his abuse, his drama, his wreckage. Should you decide to continue with him, you will make the decision without desperation, without neediness. You so need to get well from what you have endured.

I can not stress this enough: Seek out help. Seek out support. You are suffering tremendously...more than you know. You will see the abuse for what it is when you have recovered. And you will. Nothing is worth remaining in that toilet he would have you make do with (as a relationship). You can not make him well. Change for him will be difficult and extremely uncomfortable. Most do not chose to change significantly. Actually, it's extremely rare. You must not continue to think he will change. The fact is he most likely will not change. Your future will be lovely without the gross abuse you have gotten used to...even you can not imagine this now. When you regain your self-esteem you will look back on this and cringe over what you used to put up with. Your recovery is assured, but you will never know how badly you are suffering until you have recovered.

...there are some awesome books you can read, where you will discover your abusive partners behaviours described in detail, exactly how he is, and most importantly, how can recover and remain free from this abuse...
The best book I have ever read on Abuse in partner relationships is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft

Top-class reading that will help you see through the fog you are in right now...you start reading this book, and you will not put it down...it is about you. It is for you. It is for your children. You are worth it. You deserve so much better than this crap. Yes you do. anyone can see that you are a good person, from what you share here. Stop this talk about being the bad guy etc...anyone with less stamina would have gone completely insane by now...

I'm sure you have many more stories you can share...I'm glad you are letting others know what you are enduring. I'm sure people here will give great insights into the drug-addicts ways...but maybe people here will be reluctant to come clean with the even greater issue in all this. He is an abuser. Drugs or no drugs...
I reject the sympathy (for this man) that seems to be oozing between the lines...you are not doing anything to him. You are not to blame. Stop this crap already. Damn !! Time for you to start living again...to be healthy and happy and free.
I wish you all the best. I hope you will seek out support and seriously...try to get hold of that book. The fog will clear, and you will see again.

Sincerely.
Click to expand...


Thank you so much. That just made me cry. He puts all the blame on me often. I tell him that he has made me this way. He says he couldn't have made me any way at my age. I told him I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder after this relationship. I've been fighting my urges to run to him. He was my entire life. Now I feel so lost and like a nothing. You are very enlightened. How did you come to know so much about this? I know you're exactly right about all of it. I once told him how very sad it was that I had become desensitized to his name calling. And I've known that a break would help me get back my peace, even he said something like... You're finding peace again, getting better and stronger... something like that. I'll quote it later.
But I've known that time would be great for him to see how he's treated me. Once he has no new stimulus he will only have memories to fill his thoughts. Those memories are filled with me taking great care of him, ie, breakfast in bed EVERY day, constant nice surprises geared completely to his likes for no reason besides my loving him, taking care of every aspect of his life for him, massaging his entire body and wrapping hot towels around his feet in the middle of the night as he sleeps, the constant use of some special skills I possess without him having to ask, always having his homemade dinner ready when he gets off work with a recipe I've developed specifically for him, etc etc etc.
He will also remember all the times he has been mean to me out of no where for NOthing. All the names he's called me just because he is in a bad mood about nothing to do with me. All the times he's made me cry like a baby and I've done nothing to retaliate. All the fits he's thrown that I sit quietly and listen to without taking any action. All the things I've forgiven, the women, the drugs, the anger, the ruined holidays, etc.
I know ppl can only see what's real from the outside looking in. We all have all these reasons to fabricate and ignore while in the thick of it. I know it's totally subconscious, as I've never meant to do it. It's our brains tricking us to get what it wants I guess. Hm... then what did HE want? Anyway with me not being around he can clearly see what happened. There will be no irrational anger to cause defense. There will be no me to blame for his day to day anger and sadness. He will be on the outside looking in. He can only deny the truth for so long. Then he will see things as everyone else does, out of the fog of his emotional... I don't know what. I've known for quite a while that I need to get away for anything to get all the way better. I have tried, but he was my world. My life revolved around him. It is very hard to restructure, especially when you're sad, depressed, lonely, and REALLY don't want to =(
But without me he has no defenses, no denials to make the defenses valid in his head, only truth; and the truth is I loved him and treated him like a god.
 
He often does. Like someone else said in here, he can't get over that "one last time". It's what always sucks him back in =/
 
junkies wife said:
Thank you so much. That just made me cry. He puts all the blame on me often. I tell him that he has made me this way. He says he couldn't have made me any way at my age. I told him I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder after this relationship. I've been fighting my urges to run to him. He was my entire life. Now I feel so lost and like a nothing. You are very enlightened. How did you come to know so much about this? I know you're exactly right about all of it. I once told him how very sad it was that I had become desensitized to his name calling. And I've known that a break would help me get back my peace, even he said something like... You're finding peace again, getting better and stronger... something like that. I'll quote it later.
But I've known that time would be great for him to see how he's treated me. Once he has no new stimulus he will only have memories to fill his thoughts. Those memories are filled with me taking great care of him, ie, breakfast in bed EVERY day, constant nice surprises geared completely to his likes for no reason besides my loving him, taking care of every aspect of his life for him, massaging his entire body and wrapping hot towels around his feet in the middle of the night as he sleeps, the constant use of some special skills I possess without him having to ask, always having his homemade dinner ready when he gets off work with a recipe I've developed specifically for him, etc etc etc.
He will also remember all the times he has been mean to me out of no where for NOthing. All the names he's called me just because he is in a bad mood about nothing to do with me. All the times he's made me cry like a baby and I've done nothing to retaliate. All the fits he's thrown that I sit quietly and listen to without taking any action. All the things I've forgiven, the women, the drugs, the anger, the ruined holidays, etc.
I know ppl can only see what's real from the outside looking in. We all have all these reasons to fabricate and ignore while in the thick of it. I know it's totally subconscious, as I've never meant to do it. It's our brains tricking us to get what it wants I guess. Hm... then what did HE want? Anyway with me not being around he can clearly see what happened. There will be no irrational anger to cause defense. There will be no me to blame for his day to day anger and sadness. He will be on the outside looking in. He can only deny the truth for so long. Then he will see things as everyone else does, out of the fog of his emotional... I don't know what. I've known for quite a while that I need to get away for anything to get all the way better. I have tried, but he was my world. My life revolved around him. It is very hard to restructure, especially when you're sad, depressed, lonely, and REALLY don't want to =(
But without me he has no defenses, no denials to make the defenses valid in his head, only truth; and the truth is I loved him and treated him like a god.
Click to expand...

Hi again...I feel for your pain. What you are going through. What has happened to you can happen to anyone...happens to a great many people. We could say this is a common scenario...unfortunately.
You ask how did I come to know about this subject...ok...I am male. Got into a relationship with a lady for about 3 years. Ended the relationship over 10 years ago. We have a son from this relationship. He's great. We have good relations and all is well. Some time ago, not all was well. My ex-partner married an abuser. The fall-out from this made life extremely...ahm...exciting, uncertain and stress-full, especially for my son. This man took steps to prevent me from seeing my Son (ever again). This resulted in a 4 month period of no contact...it was gut-wrenching (long story)...So I started reading...any and all material to get a handle on this guy, who was terrorising us all. He's divorced and long gone now... all is well again. However...this episode (especially my in-depth reading) made me aware of my own somewhat abusive attitudes & behaviours and I became a keen student in my effort to learn better ways...in this regard, the abuser started a significant change for the better in me.

You are heartbroken. The urge to contact him is natural and overwhelming at times...it sucks...nothing hurts me more than a broken heart...such a special pain...makes me cry like a baby. This will pass. It always does.

Some things I learned to advise...
# Get support for yourself no matter how.
# Get hold of the book I mentioned earlier. Most libraries will have this. Probably used copies available via Amazon for very cheap.
This is the author's web-site, listing the book I have read, amongst others: http://www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=52
...naming and understanding is power.
# Keep a journal, so that when your partner is making you crazy with mind-games or with sudden "good behaviour", you can look back through your writings and remember who you really are and what he really does.
# Stay away from people who aren't good for you, who don't understand, who say things that push you down into self-blame.
# Do anything you can think of that's good for you, that nurtures your soul.
# Keep your abusive partner out of your head as much as possible.
# Don't blame yourself when you don't reach your goals right away, when for instance, you break down and get back together with him. Just pull yourself together and try again. You will succeed eventually, perhaps even on your very next attempt.

I believe it's good to give yourself much time...we need all need this...let nothing pressure you...it takes time to sort out your confusion, and to figure out how to handle your situation...You know best when it is time to take whatever steps you want to take.
I've gotta run...work is calling...will come back later today...
Best wishes.
 
It is VERY good advice. And I really appreciate your concern. I must emphasize most of these behaviors are in the past. When he was very cruel I mostly blew him off. He apparently wanted me around, cuz he did change a lot. He realized his behavior was chasing me off and did change. He messes up sometimes, yes; but really nothing like he used to. I punched him and he didn't so much as call me a name. He was HORRIBLE, but now it's just mostly dope that's the issue.
 
And yes that was a great post. You are absolutely right about how I'm affected by his behaviors. It was all dead on. I still feel the way I felt when he used to act terribly. The biggest issue besides the dope is me not being able to get over it, and him not taking responsibility for what his actions have done to my personality.
 
neversickanymore said:
I believe i have a technique for eliminating or greatly reducing cravings.. but addiction is tricky and if this is not the case and I post the theory it could hurt a lot of addicts who are trying to stay clean.. I need to find out if it is the real deal before I post it for others to try.. hope you understand my motives.. how are you doing today JW?

Devine RX.. should give up wedding rings and replace with a tattoo of this<3

This world is hard, lovers need always have each others backs, two people should bind themselves in a relationship or marriage to love, support, strengthen, comfort, console, check (lovingly), inspire, cheer, ravage (yep the way we dream), motivate to the partners ends and not our own, accept, help, humor, kid (flirtingly) and hold as well as any and all things that take power over the hardship in life.. Not something to strive for but rather the only thing to accept.. oh but forgive should be in there as alas we are all only human.
Click to expand...

This was beautiful. What did you mean by ravage?
 
junkies wife said:
This was beautiful. What did you mean by ravage?
Click to expand...

ravage every

Abusive
Controlling
Aggressive
Cowardly
Greedy
Angry
Critical
Grieving
Annoyed
Cruel
Hatred
Antagonistic
Defeated
Hopeless
Anxious
Deluded
Ignorant
Arrogant
Demanding
Impatient
Ashamed
Dependent
Impoverished
Belligerent
Depressed
Impulsive
Bitter
Desperate
Indifferent
Bored
Destitute
Inert
Broken down
Destructive
Insecure
bullied
Detached
Insensitive
Chaotic
Disconnected
Irresponsible
Cold
Discouraged
Irritated
Commanding
Disgusted
Isolated
Competitive
Dominated
Jealous
Complaining
Dominating
Judged
Conceited
Egocentric
Judgemental
Condemned
Egotistical
Lazy
Conflicted
Envious
Lonely
Confused
Erratic
Lost
Conservative
Frightened
Mad
Controlled
Frustrated
Manipulated
Manipulative
Ridiculous
Unhappy
Miserable
Righteous
Unresponsive
Moody
Ruthless
Untrusting
Moral
Sad
Vain
Negative
Sadistic
Vengeance
Noble
Secretive
Vicious
Obsessed
Self condemning
Victimized
Panicked
Self defeating
Violent
Paranoid
Self destructive
Wise
Passive
Self hatred
Perfectionist
Self obsessed
Pitiful
Self pity
Poor
Self sabotaging
Possessive
Selfish
Preoccupied
Shamed
Procrastination
Shut down
Punished
Shy
Punishing
Sorry
Rage
Stricken
Reactionary
Strung out
Reclusive
Stubborn
Rejected
Superior
Repressed
Tantrums
Resentful
Timid
Resigned
Unconcerned
Responsible
Unforgiving
atom out of our being.. if just for a moment.. buy making love to us the way we need=D

Hope you are well today JW<3
 
I still don't understand, lol. I think I have an idea now, but maybe am confused by all the synonyms.
I am very well actually. My fiancée admitted his problem and we worked out a plan. Pray for us!
 
Greetings again...
Best wishes to you and your family. It's good to know you are well...would love to learn what sort of plan you two have come up with...now if you were my sister (for example), I'd be sitting down with you to kindly suggest that your plan includes having him straight away go into rehab, and enter into a abuser-program...making him aware that your rock-solid expectations require him to...

# Admitting fully to what he has done(physical and psycological abuse)
# Stopping excuses
# Stopping all blaming of you
# Making amends
# Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
# Identifying patterns of controlling behaviour, admitting their wrongness
# Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
# Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
# Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
# Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
# Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
# Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviours
# Carrying his weight
# Sharing power
# Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
# Changing how he responds to your anger and grievances
# Changing his parenting
# Changing his treatment of you as a parent
# Changing his attitudes towards females in general
# Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming you or the children for them)

If your plan involves compromising on these steps...you are chasing the wind...I'm sorry to say...abusers will frequently have periods of good behaviour...they all do it. The above list is a bare minimum over-view of what has to come from him, of his own free will...then, and only then would I suggest you consider investing in the hope for a nurturing relationship with your abusive partner...
Otherwise, he will put you in positions of having to manage his life for him, so that he starts to seem more like your child than your partner...again.
He'll finish up behaving like he’s losing his mind, especially in a conflict...
He will again give you the sense that his relationship to drugs is more important to him than his relationship with you...which of course it really is right now.
He will certainly resume his pattern of tearing you down and control you...
He will again become frightening and physically threatening...violent.
He will inflict untold damage into your children's lives, and into their relationship with you...just to point out the more obvious certainties...

...sorry if I'm strong with words tonight...really...I know that you know what is best for you...

Truly I wish you all the best, and will pray for you all...my prayer is especially that you read the book...
 
Hello. I myself have never used heroin but I did have a nasty cocaine addiction.

I picked the drug over my girlfriend, over my family, and over school/jobs.


I apologize to inform you of this but NO ONE could stop me or help me until I wanted to get off the crap myself. By the time I chose to do that I lost almost everyone important in my life.

Quite honestly it would have been in my loved ones best interest to have just given up on me sooner so their pain wouldn't be as severe. I recommend you do the same until he is either ready or until you see that you cannot stop him. Also, in doing so you can hasten the process of potential recovery. If you do anything along the lines of sticking around or even so much as talk to him while he uses that shit you're not helping, you're making it easier for him to continue and know he still has you. This all being from my experiences of acting like a POS while on drugs.

Tough love scenario in the making. I wish you the best.
 
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Thank you, and you are absolutely right. Attaching to someone in a downward spiral is dangerous. I know a lot of ppl think this and are wrong, but I may be his everything. He tells me I am in great detail. Yes I know women hear that crap all the time, but mind you I'm not wet behind the ears in this love business. My name is on his back like a billboard and he bought me a huge ring WHILE being addicted to heroin. If I'm not there for him he may not see any reason to try.
He is doing well, I'm glad to report! He doesn't even have that HORRIBLE I want some dope more than anything and everything else SUCKS attitude. He is smiling and laughing and loving, even when he looks like he is going to collapse. He agreed to me monitoring his time and money. He almost seems as tho he was waiting with baited breath for me to come save him from himself. He has said "only you can hurt me, only you can fix me". These words stuck in my head.
This was the longest amount of time we ever spent away from each other. It may have helped us. It certainly made me realize something in that my love is much more than attachment.
 
Derschieber said:
Greetings again...
Best wishes to you and your family. It's good to know you are well...would love to learn what sort of plan you two have come up with...now if you were my sister (for example), I'd be sitting down with you to kindly suggest that your plan includes having him straight away go into rehab, and enter into a abuser-program...making him aware that your rock-solid expectations require him to...

# Admitting fully to what he has done(physical and psycological abuse)
# Stopping excuses
# Stopping all blaming of you
# Making amends
# Accepting responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
# Identifying patterns of controlling behaviour, admitting their wrongness
# Identifying the attitudes that drive his abuse
# Accepting that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
# Not starting to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work”, not using change as a bargaining chip
# Not demanding credit for improvements he has made
# Not treating improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
# Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviours
# Carrying his weight
# Sharing power
# Changing how he is in highly heated conflicts
# Changing how he responds to your anger and grievances
# Changing his parenting
# Changing his treatment of you as a parent
# Changing his attitudes towards females in general
# Accepting the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming you or the children for them)

If your plan involves compromising on these steps...you are chasing the wind...I'm sorry to say...abusers will frequently have periods of good behaviour...they all do it. The above list is a bare minimum over-view of what has to come from him, of his own free will...then, and only then would I suggest you consider investing in the hope for a nurturing relationship with your abusive partner...
Otherwise, he will put you in positions of having to manage his life for him, so that he starts to seem more like your child than your partner...again.
He'll finish up behaving like he’s losing his mind, especially in a conflict...
He will again give you the sense that his relationship to drugs is more important to him than his relationship with you...which of course it really is right now.
He will certainly resume his pattern of tearing you down and control you...
He will again become frightening and physically threatening...violent.
He will inflict untold damage into your children's lives, and into their relationship with you...just to point out the more obvious certainties...

...sorry if I'm strong with words tonight...really...I know that you know what is best for you...

Truly I wish you all the best, and will pray for you all...my prayer is especially that you read the book...
Click to expand...


Thank you SO much for your concern. It meant a lot to me that you said my behavior was circumstantial. I thought it was, but you reassured me. Thank you.
He actually has adhered to a lot of the stipulations you listed. He is very changed in many ways. His behaviors can actually be explained, but NOT excused, in is writing...

http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/i...1202/blissful-love-can-make-you-sick-or-crazy

When I found this I was shocked at how it exactly described my mans behavior. All of this is him to a tee. It was like he wasTHE case study they were writing about. He made me quit my job because I worked midnights and he couldn't stand not sleeping with me, nor my sleeping while he was awake. He would even beg hard for me to sleep at his place and he'd care for my children as I slept, make them dinner, etc. Once he begged me to come to his place straight after work and said he would go pick up my children and bring them there. He did. He could never be away from me, even when it was very inconvenient to spend time together. I've even gone to his law classes with him. He'd always tell me how he wished he could strap me to his back or something so he didn't have to be without me at work. He would constantly talk about how sad he was that we met so late in life. He would add up how many years we'll have spent together when we die, and tell me how upset he was that all the years up until now have been wasted. I've known about chemicals affecting us for quite some time. But I think we have a strong case, and I didn't realize all the trouble it could cause. I sure as hell didn't know serotonin levels drop. Most ppl don't realize how strongly hormones can affect you. They can COMPLETELY take you over. And some would like to call bs on this phenomenon, but how does ONE African bee Africanize an entire colony by itself? Hormones. If addiction is a disease... lol.
Luckily, thank God, we do build a tolerance to these pheromones so we can level out. He has not been so crazy in a while.
I would like to state that this does NOT excuse his having pushed me. I don't care how your hormones effect you. You don't push a woman who's cut from hip to hip and barely walk.
I will try to find the book <3
 
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