My fiancée has chosen heroin over me ='(

[junkies wife]

You can do it. Three weeks is nothing. Not to say it's not a huge accomplishment, because it IS. Day one off off your doc is GREAT. But in the matter of mental withdrawal, you are in the thick of it right now. Every day will get easier, prob by 20%. Where you're at right now is fifty times harder than where you'll be in a few weeks. I have quite a bit of experience with drugs, but I just never have been completely over come, nor have I had much experience with H. I used to do coke about once a week. Then my dealer moved in down the damn street. That was terrible. No way in hell should you even think about going back at three weeks. Heroin is harder to get over. But when you're addicted, you're addicted. I was. My saving grace was becoming pregnant. I tried it again after my pregnancy and hated it. It was great to get that monkey off my back. The serenity of sobriety is worth every struggle =)

 

[junkies wife]

Omg you could be so helpful. I don't want to drudge up bad memories, but I am desperate. Idk how to let him know I love him more than anything AND that this will actually make me leave. How can I EVER give up if I have this crazy strong unconditional love?
It sounds like you really loved her? Is she your ex cuz you wouldn't give dope up?
PLEASE tell me story.

 

[junkies wife]

I don't understand this post.

 

[junkies wife]

I have to make sure what i do duplicable other wise it may be a recipe for disaster.. I'm pretty sure it is but I don't want to steer anyone off a cliff, as triggers.. besides desire, are addiction in the end.

I don't understand THIS message.

I am not good at navigating this site yet.

 

[junkies wife]

Three weeks.

Pretty much every single one of my friends back home is a heroin addict. I do have a sister there too, but she won't speak to me right now due to recent events (fair enough, I deserve it). But drugs have become a way of life for me there, and when you really feel inside like you want to move on from that, it goes from convenient to terrifying. Knowing it is a phone call away makes it orders of magnitude more difficult. And still, a lot of those people are genuine friends who use heroin, and not "using buddies" I met while getting high, so it's even harder to lay low and ignore everyone if I am there.

I basically destroyed myself financially again over the winter, so moving back would not be feasible at least until I made a chunk of money first. I am staying with a terminally ill relative for free right now in exchange for doing a lot of things to help her.

I lost my car, license and computer to my addiction as well, and am still dealing with legal aftermath from events. So right now I am happy enough in a safe place next to a bus stop and without a transparent drug scene. Moving back without a car or money would put me in a bad spot. So I am going to try and find work here (not easy, no job market) or look for work in a new place that is not here or home.

I hurt a lot of people recently, and I really want to get some real time clean (and with a better idea of how I am going to rebuild my life) before I am ready to try and make amends.

You can NEVER hang out with them again. I'm sorry but it's true. I had to get rid of all my drug friends, and I grew up with them. Also they lived right down the street. One of them I hung out with a LOT. I knew her whole family and very regularly hung out with a number of them. No matter how I didn't want to, we often ended up getting drugs. Even if we started out talking about how we're not going to.
Even if your friend becomes clean... there is just something about knowing you both want the same thing that makes you feel compelled to do it. I think this is only when you did it with that person before tho. I know what it is I think, but writing it could be a trigger to someone.
Anyway if you have a friend that is clean you may think hanging with them is safe. From my experience not hanging with them is doing you both a favor. It may suck, but it is what it is. There are PLENTY more friends for you to make. I promise. And they will HELP keep you straight.

 

[junkies wife]

good luck junkies wife, i pray for ya. this whole thread made me tear up cuz i was the guy doing this shit to my ex girlfriend for 3 years. just take it one day at a time.

mg you could be so helpful. I don't Omg you could be so helpful. I don't want to drudge up bad memories, want to drudge up bad memories, but I am desperate. Idk how to let but I am desperate. Idk how to let him know I love him more than him know I love him more than anything AND that this will actually anything AND that this will actually make me leave. How can I EVER give make me leave. How can I EVER give up if I have this crazy strong up if I have this crazy strong unconditional love? unconditional love? It sounds like you really loved her? Is It sounds like you really loved her? Is she your ex cuz you wouldn't give she your ex cuz you wouldn't give dope up? dope up? PLEASE tell me PLEASE tell me story.

 

[junkies wife]

Ok, I'm picking up where I left off...

I went home after 5 days and wasn't allowed to drive. I can't remember if my fiancée was coming home on time, but he must have been cuz I think I'd remember him coming home in time. There was no monitoring of money. He just had gotten a $7,000 check from school. That was days before I went into labor. The first thing he did was get me a $2,700 engagement ring. I mean we went from the bank to the mall. I didn't go to the jewelry store with him. I took two of our children to have lunch.
Anyway... days after this is when I have the baby. 5 days later I'm home and can't drive. He is driving himself to work in my car. One day he comes home with $2,000 worth of money orders for rent. I'm not regulating paychecks or the $7,000. One day he comes home acting insane. It was Monday after his birthday. Which I made a huge deal about because I love him and want him to know/feel it.
He comes in and I'm making dinner for the kids. He keeps getting in my way and not letting me cook. He's being very loud and obnoxious. He keeps saying give me a kiss and I'll let you cook. I keep giving him kisses but he says they aren't good enuf and I need to try again. He's being rough with his hugs and I just had a c section. He's cussing in front of the kids, eating random food from the fridge and getting all over my clean kitchen that is hard to clean after being cut in half likea got damn magicians assistant.

 

[junkies wife]

He will NOT let me cook and it's getting late. I have to get the kids fed and in bed. He won't let me so I say screw it, I'm leaving. I go to my room to gather stuff to leave. He comes in and asks what I'm doing. He says you're not going anywhere. We begin to yell at each other. I start trying to leave the bedroom and he pushes me. I stop yelling. I'm in SHOCK. With terror in my eyes I say calmly "you can't push me, I'll split open". He SCREAMS "I don't give a FUCK" in my face and pushes me again. For some reason I can't remember what happens immediately after this, but I end up leaving. I was crushed. How could he. The next day (I think) he tells me he doesn't remember any of it. He says he got xanax from someone at work. He says he is sooo sorryand makes more promises than ever. He says he's never gonna take them again. Just give him another chance and he'll make it up to me every day for the rest of his life. Asks if I'll forgive him if he goes to confession and tells all to our Priest. Says he's going to give me all of the money and the pay stubs. He does do all this. Then he admits that up until Sunday (the day before he pushed me) he was on heroin again. Said he took all the xanax to cope with withdrawal.
I'll write more later.

I found out that his habit is up to about $200 a day already. That came super fast. He makes between $750 and $600 a week. Yesterday he tried to only give me $50 and he owes me over $100 and gives me at least $50 a week for his baby. Then has the nerve to ask for food in a note he left with the money. Says he has no food and no money to buy food. Both nos are underlined. Says he had to pay rent. Ok but $50 + rent = where the hell did your other $200 go? He knows I analyze everything. So why is he basically telling me he blew his money on dope and asking me to feel sorry for him? Is this nerve a side effect of addiction? Where is his shame?
And how will thus addiction work out now, being that he will have to spend most of his time sick? Will he have to stop soon?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I start trying to leave the bedroom and he pushes me.

Please call 911 so you can leave. He can't stop you from leaving.

edit - it sounds like you got away safely from that situation; you should definitely let him know you aren't afraid to call 911 the next time he pushes you or hurts you, or prevents you from leaving when you want to.

 

[junkies wife]

Please call 911 so you can leave. He can't stop you from leaving.

edit - it sounds like you got away safely from that situation; you should definitely let him know you aren't afraid to call 911 the next time he pushes you or hurts you, or prevents you from leaving when you want to.

There were a couple times I tried to call 911. He took my phone.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There were a couple times I tried to call 911. He took my phone.

^ then you need to call 911 when you can, and report him for interfering with you calling 911. That in itself is a crime.

It's really your choice, but I think he deserves to feel the consequences of that action to be honest.

 

[junkies wife]

I have called them once. Prob called the police station rather than 911. I filed charges and then ignored the case so they would drop it; they did.
I should have said that he does NOTHING like this now. Not in a long time. He got better and better until he was better. I have actually become violent with him on a few occasions. I am used to retaliating to the old him I guess. I've gotten better too tho. But as of late, I'm the bad guy. But he ain't no good guy.

 

[junkies wife]

How do i get my pic off of here? I can't figure it out. This stuff is too personal, lol.

 

[ad lib]

I'm really sorry to hear what you have/are going through.

If I was in your position & in a relationship with someone who has previously been addicted to heroin/any other drug and then relapsed, I would do what was in the best interest for the relationship and myself. I would personally stick around as long as I could emotionally take it (considering he was not abusing me verbally, physically, or emotionally) and help as much as I could or as much as he would let me if I truly loved and cared about him. It would break my heart every day though, and one day I would finally get to the breaking point where I realize enough is enough and leave the relationship so he can get better. Sometimes addicts need to lose almost everything in order to realize what is going on and how they are affecting the lives of people around them. When I was addicted, no one could change my mind. Not my (now ex) boyfriend at the time, friends, or family. I had to want to get clean on my own. I did it because I realized that I fucked my life up so bad and it was only going to get worse. Leaving him may make him realize what he is doing to those around him/himself. Don't distance yourself too much- leave the path clear so that when he is sober/ready to get clean he's able to let you know if he wants to and then you may want to reconsider the relationship.

Being in a relationship right now where you are being abused is not healthy. No one deserves to be in a relationship like that. I would never treat someone like that nor would I put up with it for 1 second. Everyone deserves a relationship where they can be happy in and not feel low. When two people are in a relationship they are supposed to help each other and bring out the best in each other- not hurt them and make them feel small. You're above that.

It won't be easy, but you have to take the higher road in this case. Take care of yourself and put your safety/health first.

Hope you're doing okay.

 

[neversickanymore]

I don't understand THIS message.

I am not good at navigating this site yet.

I believe i have a technique for eliminating or greatly reducing cravings.. but addiction is tricky and if this is not the case and I post the theory it could hurt a lot of addicts who are trying to stay clean.. I need to find out if it is the real deal before I post it for others to try.. hope you understand my motives.. how are you doing today JW?

When two people are in a relationship they are supposed to help each other and bring out the best in each other- not hurt them and make them feel small

Devine RX.. should give up wedding rings and replace with a tattoo of this

This world is hard, lovers need always have each others backs, two people should bind themselves in a relationship or marriage to love, support, strengthen, comfort, console, check (lovingly), inspire, cheer, ravage (yep the way we dream), motivate to the partners ends and not our own, accept, help, humor, kid (flirtingly) and hold as well as any and all things that take power over the hardship in life.. Not something to strive for but rather the only thing to accept.. oh but forgive should be in there as alas we are all only human.

 

[junkies wife]

I'm really sorry to hear what you have/are going through.

If I was in your position & in a relationship with someone who has previously been addicted to heroin/any other drug and then relapsed, I would do what was in the best interest for the relationship and myself. I would personally stick around as long as I could emotionally take it (considering he was not abusing me verbally, physically, or emotionally) and help as much as I could or as much as he would let me if I truly loved and cared about him. It would break my heart every day though, and one day I would finally get to the breaking point where I realize enough is enough and leave the relationship so he can get better. Sometimes addicts need to lose almost everything in order to realize what is going on and how they are affecting the lives of people around them. When I was addicted, no one could change my mind. Not my (now ex) boyfriend at the time, friends, or family. I had to want to get clean on my own. I did it because I realized that I fucked my life up so bad and it was only going to get worse. Leaving him may make him realize what he is doing to those around him/himself. Don't distance yourself too much- leave the path clear so that when he is sober/ready to get clean he's able to let you know if he wants to and then you may want to reconsider the relationship.

Being in a relationship right now where you are being abused is not healthy. No one deserves to be in a relationship like that. I would never treat someone like that nor would I put up with it for 1 second. Everyone deserves a relationship where they can be happy in and not feel low. When two people are in a relationship they are supposed to help each other and bring out the best in each other- not hurt them and make them feel small. You're above that.

It won't be easy, but you have to take the higher road in this case. Take care of yourself and put your safety/health first.

Hope you're doing okay.

Thank you. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I'm ok and not all day every day. Were you mean when you were on heroin? And what do you think about his doses verses his income? What will happen now since he will be mostly sick?

 

[junkies wife]

I believe i have a technique for eliminating or greatly reducing cravings.. but addiction is tricky and if this is not the case and I post the theory it could hurt a lot of addicts who are trying to stay clean.. I need to find out if it is the real deal before I post it for others to try.. hope you understand my motives.. how are you doing today JW?

Devine RX.. should give up wedding rings and replace with a tattoo of this

This world is hard, lovers need always have each others backs, two people should bind themselves in a relationship or marriage to love, support, strengthen, comfort, console, check (lovingly), inspire, cheer, ravage (yep the way we dream), motivate to the partners ends and not our own, accept, help, humor, kid (flirtingly) and hold as well as any and all things that take power over the hardship in life.. Not something to strive for but rather the only thing to accept.. oh but forgive should be in there as alas we are all only human.

I'm ok considering. He denied even doing drugs today. Blamed me for him not having food, tho hehasdope. And he said he and I don't belong together, we can't and don't work. That really hurt. I feel no one has belonged together more. He used to agree ='(
I'm often very sad, but ok I guess.

 

[junkies wife]

I believe i have a technique for eliminating or greatly reducing cravings.. but addiction is tricky and if this is not the case and I post the theory it could hurt a lot of addicts who are trying to stay clean.. I need to find out if it is the real deal before I post it for others to try.. hope you understand my motives.. how are you doing today JW?

Devine RX.. should give up wedding rings and replace with a tattoo of this

This world is hard, lovers need always have each others backs, two people should bind themselves in a relationship or marriage to love, support, strengthen, comfort, console, check (lovingly), inspire, cheer, ravage (yep the way we dream), motivate to the partners ends and not our own, accept, help, humor, kid (flirtingly) and hold as well as any and all things that take power over the hardship in life.. Not something to strive for but rather the only thing to accept.. oh but forgive should be in there as alas we are all only human.

Can you pm me what you're talking about?

 

[Derschieber]

junkies wife...

I hope you are ok. As you invite opinions and advice, I will gladly share with you my thoughts on all this. First of all, I feel that much of what has been said here already is somewhat bias. I can understand that, but I feel concerned over the way others are understating some obvious facts. You are in a relationship with an abuser. Regardless of the drugs, he is an abuser. Do not be fooled by his periods of being nice. Being nice is perfectly normal for all abusers. It is an important part of the cycle. He may change his abusive attitudes, but this is highly unlikely.

You are used to something extremely unhealthy. It is not possible for you to see just how damaging your relationship has become for you. Until you have removed yourself (and your dear children) from this abuse, you will not recognise how extraordinary and severe is your life in all this. I can see from what you have shared, that your relationship has nothing to do with love, nurturing or companionship. There is nothing there that can even be remotely seen as desirable or healthy. I would not tell you to end the relationship. This is a personal decision. But I will tell you that you had better remove yourself completely for at least 3-6 months. You are in a bad way. Begin to care for yourself !! Time has come to pamper yourself. This is not selfish. You are wounded. You are damaged. You deserve to be looking after yourself alone now.

Abusers will have you worrying, thinking and obsessing over them, until your entire life revolves around him. Stop this now please. You need to take care of yourself. You need to recover. His life must not be your concern any more. Trust me on this: No one in their right mind would willingly get into that parody you call a relationship. Not ever. You gradually sank into this mess, like people do. Now you get out. He may or he may not recover...in any case, when you get well, there is very little chance you would want to get back into this. You can't see it now, but you will. Unlike your so-called partner, you are not addicted. Your recovery is assured. You will not be craving his abuse, his drama, his wreckage. Should you decide to continue with him, you will make the decision without desperation, without neediness. You so need to get well from what you have endured.

I can not stress this enough: Seek out help. Seek out support. You are suffering tremendously...more than you know. You will see the abuse for what it is when you have recovered. And you will. Nothing is worth remaining in that toilet he would have you make do with (as a relationship). You can not make him well. Change for him will be difficult and extremely uncomfortable. Most do not chose to change significantly. Actually, it's extremely rare. You must not continue to think he will change. The fact is he most likely will not change. Your future will be lovely without the gross abuse you have gotten used to...even you can not imagine this now. When you regain your self-esteem you will look back on this and cringe over what you used to put up with. Your recovery is assured, but you will never know how badly you are suffering until you have recovered.

...there are some awesome books you can read, where you will discover your abusive partners behaviours described in detail, exactly how he is, and most importantly, how can recover and remain free from this abuse...
The best book I have ever read on Abuse in partner relationships is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft

Top-class reading that will help you see through the fog you are in right now...you start reading this book, and you will not put it down...it is about you. It is for you. It is for your children. You are worth it. You deserve so much better than this crap. Yes you do. anyone can see that you are a good person, from what you share here. Stop this talk about being the bad guy etc...anyone with less stamina would have gone completely insane by now...

I'm sure you have many more stories you can share...I'm glad you are letting others know what you are enduring. I'm sure people here will give great insights into the drug-addicts ways...but maybe people here will be reluctant to come clean with the even greater issue in all this. He is an abuser. Drugs or no drugs...
I reject the sympathy (for this man) that seems to be oozing between the lines...you are not doing anything to him. You are not to blame. Stop this crap already. Damn !! Time for you to start living again...to be healthy and happy and free.
I wish you all the best. I hope you will seek out support and seriously...try to get hold of that book. The fog will clear, and you will see again.

Sincerely.

 

[Derschieber]

This world is hard, lovers need always have each others backs, two people should bind themselves in a relationship or marriage to love, support, strengthen, comfort, console, check (lovingly), inspire, cheer, ravage (yep the way we dream), motivate to the partners ends and not our own, accept, help, humor, kid (flirtingly) and hold as well as any and all things that take power over the hardship in life.. Not something to strive for but rather the only thing to accept.. oh but forgive should be in there as alas we are all only human.

Yea well...forgive the abuser, only get the hell away from him...