My ex tried killing herself today...

[HeWhoHowls]

A little background.
She is diagnosed bipolar.
We have lived 300miles apart for most of our relationship.
It was the kind of relationship that began to sour, but I kept taking her back in hopes that I can help her. There are only two people in her life that genuinely care about her, me being one of em.
The thing that killed our love was caused by a lot. She cheated on me in the beginning and kept it secret til I found out. Her mood disorder made me seriously question her feelings for me. I always had the creeping suspicion that she didn't love me.
Well after I had enough and called it quits, she came clean. She only wanted me because she has a fear of being alone. I was heartbroken, I still am...
I was a melting pot of negative emotions, most of all I despised her for using me. I loved her so much.
She tries begging for me but I can already tell it's the same exact lines she's always pulled, I felt no emotion behind it.I decide to ignore her for days because they were just empty words...
Last text I got from her told me that she is a failure and she intentionally overdosed on sleeping pills and she hopes I'm happy.
I become frantic, I can't get a hold of her.
Luckily a friend of hers had her address available and got the paramedics there in time.
She is in the hospital right now but that's all I know.
She has no phone so I can't contact her.
This has led me to feel so hopeless and terrified being that I'm so far away...
but that's not the worst.
The worst is the guilt I feel. It's crippling...
This wouldn't have happened if I let her down easy and gradually helped her.
Idk what to do at this point.
I can't take her back but I don't want her to feel alone...

 

[trees_please]

Hey man, its difficult to understand the dynamics of this situation, for multiple reasons, but my initial impression is that she needs a lot of help. and its entirely up to you, ask yourself if you truly want to or do not want to be with her. granted, she has mental issues but my initial reaction is it sounds like she has manipulative tendencies; i.e. her wellbeing is contingent on attention and maybe sympathy from you or other people, and not internal, which is the ideal..

 

[herbavore]

HWH, I know how hard it will be for you to maintain the perspective that you need to rid yourself of guilt but it is really important that you try. Attempting suicide out of loneliness makes everyone in the person's life feel guilty when in fact not one person can ever touch what makes that kind of loneliness so powerful. Every one of us has to come to terms with the fact that no one can save us from our essential loneliness. That is a fact. The paradox is that accepting that fact is what allows us to truly connect with another person--not out of need for them but out of enjoyment and love. You may have temporarily prevented this person from doing what she did but that giant hole inside has a way of growing when you deny it, whether you are with someone or not.

I hope that your ex gets the help that she so desperately needs to examine her dependency on others in order to feel good about herself. It is a very painful state of being and my heart goes out to her. Just remember that neither you, nor anyone else, can do this for her. It is a solo journey. We all have to take it or live a life of isolation and frustration.

My heart also goes out to you. It will not be easy but you have to try your hardest not to fall into the trap of thinking that you could have saved her. Let her know how much you care, why you did not respond (which was quite legitimate) and that you have nothing but best wishes for her now. You don't need to make a value judgement against her for being manipulative--most of us resort to some form of this when we feel the most desperate at some point in our lives. Just understand her desperation while maintaining your own boundaries and equilibrium.

 

[HeWhoHowls]

Thanks you two.
I guess this guilt really arises from myself. I mean, I was always able to help a person in need, even change some lives around.
But in this case I did not meet that goal. Maybe I feel like I failed myself as well. No matter how much I tell myself that you can only lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, I still feel like I haven't done enough.
I've never been in this situation before. It's all so crushing and confusing. It feels so hard to let go of the reigns, but I gotta do what I gotta do.
I did everything I could. Whatever may come of it will happen whether I'm involved or not. I realize that now.
Once again thank you for the wisdom and warmth.

 

[pastelcircus]

this is kind of a tough call, but maybe you could just be there when she's discharged from the hospital, to let her know that she's not alone, but be clear about the fact that you can't save her, and that it's up to her to try to help herself to the best of her ability. like my friend once said, "you're trying to hold somebody else's fishing pole from the wrong end, trying to lift it but it will never work. when you really need to be doing what you can do to keep your own fishing pole balanced"

 

[onechance]

Let her know that you're there for her if she needs to talk, call her occasionally for light (not depressing) catch up, allow yourself to be there as a friend without putting your life on hold. It's hard not to worry about someone you care about when they have a headspace like that. But you can't make someone happy without them sorting out their own issues. If you allow her to be a part of your life without her taking over your life it will allow you to keep being her good friend. Which is something she needs right now, and will always need. If you let her actions emotional drain you then you will probably end up resenting her, and both of you will lose a friend And remember, when someone wants to die because they feel lonely it's an internal loneliness, you didn't cause her to feel that way.