WarChild
Bluelighter
Hi Everyone...
I've now clocked up 17 years of substance use, since the age of 15. Classic stepping stone pattern, started with weed, then to acid, then to ecstasy, then to meth/ice and that is now my drug of choice without any doubt at all. I love the stuff.
So i'm in this holding pattern and have been for several years. I use. Then I come down, badly. It takes about 2 weeks to feel 100% normal again. If I use on a Friday night, On Monday morning I am spaced out and vague, a shell of my normal self, so much so that my colleagues sometimes comment on it. I feel depressed, empty, and black. By about Wednesday I am able to hold it together but still very down. This gradually lifts and at 2 weeks I am at baseline mood. At 3 weeks I start to think about using again. At 4 weeks its all I can think about and I use. At this point I feel powerless - the desire is SO strong, i will fake sickies, cancel appointments, borrow money, ANYTHING as long as I score and use. Nothing stands in my way. So I use and i is WONDERFUL and SATISFYING, every time, without fail. It feels so good. And the cycle repeats.
When i discovered the stuff I did use 3 or 4 times a week for about three years which was a proper physical addiction, but i did eventually break out of that.
As I said i've been in this pattern for a long time. I am risking everything. I have a great job and its only a matter of time until they spring a drug test or bring it up. I can't afford the drugs and I risk not making car/rent payments. I am diagnosed with depression and psychosis and no doubt the drugs are making it worse (although Meth is the ONLY substance which gives me true relief from the depression and paranoia). My parents would be shattered if they knew i was still using - i have destroyed them with my drug use more times than i could count. But most of all I am just not fullfilling my potential as a human. I am getting by, just, but i can be so much better. When im coming down for those two weeks i am JUST functioning. I am 32 and I have no assets or savings as its all gone on drugs. I could have bought a house if i'd saved all the money i've blown on meth.
Worst of all, meth is the only thing in my life that really excites me. It is the only thing that makes me feel complete. It is the only thing that matters. Even sex comes second to meth.
The draw of the stuff is o strong. I'm obviously not physically addicted to it as I only use once a month or therabouts. But the psychological addiction is just so intense. I couldn't count the number of times i've gone to throw my glasspipe out, but then stopped. I'll smoke meth off aluminium foil if theres no pipe around. The idea of never using again scares the hell out of me - I get a sinking feeling in my gut. I fill my life with interesting and fun hobbies, see friends, see family, etc, but none of it works. Meth overrides every tactic I use to distract myself.
I just don't know what to do. Im a functioning junkie. 50% of my life is a comedown. I am capable of so much more in my life. But I am chained to the pipe.
Please someone! If this sounds familiar and you got through it tell me how!! Something has to change.
Cheers
WC
I've now clocked up 17 years of substance use, since the age of 15. Classic stepping stone pattern, started with weed, then to acid, then to ecstasy, then to meth/ice and that is now my drug of choice without any doubt at all. I love the stuff.
So i'm in this holding pattern and have been for several years. I use. Then I come down, badly. It takes about 2 weeks to feel 100% normal again. If I use on a Friday night, On Monday morning I am spaced out and vague, a shell of my normal self, so much so that my colleagues sometimes comment on it. I feel depressed, empty, and black. By about Wednesday I am able to hold it together but still very down. This gradually lifts and at 2 weeks I am at baseline mood. At 3 weeks I start to think about using again. At 4 weeks its all I can think about and I use. At this point I feel powerless - the desire is SO strong, i will fake sickies, cancel appointments, borrow money, ANYTHING as long as I score and use. Nothing stands in my way. So I use and i is WONDERFUL and SATISFYING, every time, without fail. It feels so good. And the cycle repeats.
When i discovered the stuff I did use 3 or 4 times a week for about three years which was a proper physical addiction, but i did eventually break out of that.
As I said i've been in this pattern for a long time. I am risking everything. I have a great job and its only a matter of time until they spring a drug test or bring it up. I can't afford the drugs and I risk not making car/rent payments. I am diagnosed with depression and psychosis and no doubt the drugs are making it worse (although Meth is the ONLY substance which gives me true relief from the depression and paranoia). My parents would be shattered if they knew i was still using - i have destroyed them with my drug use more times than i could count. But most of all I am just not fullfilling my potential as a human. I am getting by, just, but i can be so much better. When im coming down for those two weeks i am JUST functioning. I am 32 and I have no assets or savings as its all gone on drugs. I could have bought a house if i'd saved all the money i've blown on meth.
Worst of all, meth is the only thing in my life that really excites me. It is the only thing that makes me feel complete. It is the only thing that matters. Even sex comes second to meth.
The draw of the stuff is o strong. I'm obviously not physically addicted to it as I only use once a month or therabouts. But the psychological addiction is just so intense. I couldn't count the number of times i've gone to throw my glasspipe out, but then stopped. I'll smoke meth off aluminium foil if theres no pipe around. The idea of never using again scares the hell out of me - I get a sinking feeling in my gut. I fill my life with interesting and fun hobbies, see friends, see family, etc, but none of it works. Meth overrides every tactic I use to distract myself.
I just don't know what to do. Im a functioning junkie. 50% of my life is a comedown. I am capable of so much more in my life. But I am chained to the pipe.
Please someone! If this sounds familiar and you got through it tell me how!! Something has to change.
Cheers
WC
