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my dreamworld I live in, please comment:)

acid_raver

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 15, 2001
Messages
541
Location
east coast, baby...yeah
The haze slowly diffuses and I am sitting in a white room, with scientists around me.
I can’t handle this. What is going on? Their faces are glowing with darkness, and malignity. There is a table full of metal spikes, and drills, and knives. The tools are picked up and examined by one of the doctors.
White and light, and lab coats, and note taking and shiny tools. Everything is covered in blood, and I realize that I have numerous holes drilled into my skull. I am bleeding profusely. I am hooked up to some machine that is stopping me from bleeding to death. I get the sickening feeling that they are experimenting on me. A woman approached me with a small yellow pill with the number 205 on it. She picked up a tool that was basically a big metal clamp. She inserted the tool into my mouth and slowly started to turn the crank. My mouth slowly was forced open and when it became as open as it could get she gave the crank one more turn and I heard a loud cracking noise. My jaw literally split apart. Quickly a hypodermic needle was shoved into my mouth and a numbing medication was injected. I felt warm blood spilling down onto my bare chest. The woman handed the yellow pill to one of the lab coats and he approached me with a slight smile on his face.
He forced the pill into my now limp mouth and once it had completely dissolved he backed away and started a watch. This was unnerving. All of them were alternately staring at their watches and me. My arms started to tingle, my fingers were ice cold. My head started to pound. My heart was racing. Help me. My body started to convulse, thoughts started rapidly flashing through my brain. I’m dying, why is this happening. My vision faded and was replaced by images of my mother. Fuck this, fuck these people. Blackness.
 
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I very much liked it, especially the beginning. Around the middle the effect seems to have been lost.
I have been through experiences which make me feel very close to the piece, and so it moved me. It ends up, however, a little lackluster.
Perhaps making it shorter and more eloquent in the middle would make it more effective.
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Very good!!
 
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