My Double Life

[gemini681]

I have tried just about everything but have always considered meth my doc. I snorted meth 13 years (I can't believe its been that long) on and off. I started at 16. I did the occasional smoke but didn't like it as well. My ex (we were together from age 15 til last Jan) got me turned onto it and was a smoker. He also cooked and sold until I got pregnant and we quit. He struggled hardcore I always had to face the world and live a double life so I guess feeling like shit and pretending it was ok became natural. Plus in my opinion snorting and smoking is two different worlds. The crazy part is all these years our friends and family have expressed concerns with his meth use, criminal activity, health, ect and with me never indicated they suspected I used and actually felt sorry for me for having him as my partner. He covered my ass to because we didn't need more bull shit.
I stayed clean for 3yrs before the last relapse last May. I started iv and he smoked. I still had to act like a perfect mom and spouse while working and going to school. He became violent with me so I life with the kids. His family all assumed he relapsed and confronted him so he ratted me off. Everyone was convinced he lied. We went through family court I got full custody and his visits are supervised. The fucked up shit is I was banging the whole time. He went to rehab got out knows I'm using and still don't say shit but tells me "stay safe". I deny but he knows me. I have to quit before I'm busted.
So 3 days ago I tossed out everything related to using. I have felt totally fine so far and usually I get depressed so I'm nervous if this is the calming before the storm. I know its all mental and when I start craving I'm worried because I have nobody I can talk to because my use is my dirty little secret. I told myself if I don't make it I'm going to have to go to treatment.
Anyone else out there going through or has gone through staying clean alone?
Btw my connection lives next door. Moving isn't an option.

 

[blazer24]

your going to need support from the people that care about you the most but if they dont know then treatment may be the only option u may have because meth is one hell of a drug and to quit by yourself will take quite the amount of discipline and you need to have alot of postive thoughts about not getting the next dose sorry if i couldnt be more helpful.

 

[Legerity]

If your situation is contributing to your using meth, then what needs to change? You can tell people about your problem and then you will be held accountable. Or you can go to treatment as you said, which will get you out of your environment for a while.

If you will do it alone I would highly recommend getting out and finding other activities that you enjoy. I've seen people with boring lives who come home and do coke every evening try to quit. But all they did was go home and do nothing all evening, with a dealer just down the street. It doesn't work. Drugs serve a purpose so do try to find something that brings joy into your life.

 

[rollingstoned!]

Get yourself some L-tyrosine, 5-htp, multivitamin, omega 3-6-9, and valerian root. Take the l-tyrosine in the morning 30 min before breakfast (I recommend doing this every other morning), 5-htp at night, multivitamin with lunch, and an omega with each meal. Caffeine is ok, but not coffee. Tea. When you start feeling better, cut back on the L-tyrosine and the 5-htp.

Excercise is key to drug withdrawal. It's actually simple. You feel the need to get high=excercise until you are tired enough to hit the couch and instantaneously pass out. This also speeds up the withdrawal time by getting all the impurities, meth, and meth metabolites out of your system faster via sweating.

Also, accept that you will most likely be mad, irritable, anxious, weird feeling, sad, and other feelings. This is normal. If you can accept that you can handle being this way for some time, you win the withdrawal.
And most importantly, if you are ever offered or find yourself with it, remember what Nancy Reagan said.

Just say no.
Good Luck!

 

[lestahb]

moving is always an option. if you can go to treatment, you can move. i found that i had to get far, far away from meth, couldn't talk to people, couldn't be near it etc. and every way that i said that i couldn't do that, that quitting that job or moving wasn't possible, i realized that was just my way of keeping the option open of using again. because when you tell that person, and they close all your connections, and you tell them where your stash is, it all becomes too real, and it's really hard. but if you actually want to quit, and keep your kids safe, you probably have to come clean. when i did, i hid under a blanket, i was so ashamed. but everyone just wanted to help. i didn't have kids to take care of, i was lucky that way, but i went to rehab, and i got clean, and in september, it will be 5 years since i've touched meth. but i really wanted to.
i found that any

 

[gemini681]

Thank you so much everyone. I will start off by saying I confessed my use to a couple of close friends, my mom, and uncle yesterday. One friend was supportive but doesn't understand addiction, my other friend is a recovering meth and heroin addict for 4yrs and we were "party" friends in high school and recently got reconnected through facebook (we both are back home), my mom is a cocaine addict and my uncle is a meth addict as well.
I feel like weight has come off my shoulders as I start to admit. I started to spill a little to the ex but we have a lot of anger between us right now and him knowing I used, fucked him over big time and me lieing is the main cause. He knows me to well not to know. Friend "1" is so in the dark about these things she didn't understand how I didn't have track, bad skin, bad teeth, ect. I said "brand new needles, good hygenie and good denetics". I guess 1 person knew all along...the woman at Rite Aid on the mainland.
Moving isn't an option cuz money. I live with family after leaving my ex and quit my job to finish school. I live off child support and student grants/loans which don't pay much with 5 kids. I get state medicaid which would cover treatment. Luckliy since getting out of rehab my ex works again.
I have been very irritable and keep telling myself its the drug and it will be gone soon. My recovery friend just got certified to teach Zumba and is starting a new class and asked me to join. I think this is a great idea and they have childcare. We hung out with our kids all day yesterday and today. Next week I go to a concert with a guy I just started seeing. He has no clue and has never had addiction issues so it will be interesting to see what happens. I had a rough one today but I know its all going to be worth it.
Btw I'm going to school working towards my AA to become a chemical dependency counseler. With a goal of earning at least a BA. That's how warped I have been. Getting high in the school bathroom then going to classes teaching me to help addicts through recovery. I failed Summer qrtr all classes so now I have to hope I can get my grants/loans for Fall. Serves me right. I need to get back on focus and reach my goals for me and the kids.
So in a sense I'm taking everyones advice and didn't even know it. I think that's a sign I'm on the right track. I feel so happy and proud already. I know it gets harder but I think confessing and having eyes on me will be the ticket to success

 

[jspun]

I've been living a double life too. I had time clean in the late 90s and relapsed after 3.5 years. Heroin was my DOC but MMT and alcohol, drinking heavily got thrown in the midst. I got clean by going to meetings in San Francisco before the relaspse. Anyway, stoped drinking 9/3/08 and doing illegal drugs. However, I ended up, after a year without mind altering drugs getting an Rx for suboxone (was going through depression/ post acute withdrawl and panic attacks. Now I'm on 8 mg bupe trying to taper. I got an order from my psychiatrist for clonopin to help me taper off the dose of xanax I was on (6 mg/ day + 30 mg temazepam to sleep). He gave me 4 mg/ day which isn't enough and had asked for 5 mg d day. He said to see him early if I need that dose. Trying to quit- started going back to meetings, Met a tweaker today that was trying to get clean- he lied about his sobriety and came clean. His pupills were dilated. Apprently he found some new methodology for cooking it that rapper rap about, doen't envolve peudo- although I have a degree in biochem and his synthesis although he didn't go into details didn't make sense. Then I realized I'm better off not knowing Were is the pseudo substitute? Purposely not getting newcommers phone numbers.

For me, I'm on benzod but I am not breaking the law- all my docs know what I'm getting, especially the psychiatrist but I wan't to get clean and I'm working a tapering program but I slip up from time to time, the clonopin dose is too low I think, feel mild withdrawls at end of night: tremors and insomnia and end up taking a sleeping pill- which is regression. Trying to use benadryl as a substitute but without great results.

The crazy thing is 2 years after using alcohol and illegal drugs (last relapse was tweek), I find myself frequenting this site and glorifying drug use. I pray to God I can temper- meetings help bigtime, I got to say, talking to this guy and a newcommer that cops heroin in TJ made me want to use. I have too much to lose so I'm going to stay clean but drugs use is getting out of control- I see more young people relapsing lately. Hopefully I can get some sanity over my addiction to this site.

Gemini, good luck staying clean. Atleast you have exposure to the program so know what to do. Don't worry about school, God will open the right door when necessary.

Talking to the tweaker kinda was a realty check- thats a nasty drug. Reading was we agnostics. He shared there is a battle b/w God and the devil- said the devil is kinda cool ( again his pupills were huge, he was still high). I told him to stay clean today, lying and tweak is one of the enemies favorite tools, and he was honest- that is one of the greatest weapons against the enemy/disease. And even if he can't get clean right away to KEEP COMMING BACK. That very action, even if they are unclean helps them be restored to enough sanity to make the decision to stop.

Gonna try to spend more time on darkside if on this website at all.

Best of luck and God be with you!

 

[J.Tweezy]

ya get support....that is the only way ull be able to get and stay clean.. I know everyone hates when i say this but tell ur parents or someone very close to u... With someone breathing down ur neck all the time u will be less inclined to use