My Dark side Rant

[RJforeternity]

I just need to anonymously rant and vent right now, although I feel much more serious.

My best friend, soul-mate, soul-twin, passed away less then 2 years ago, OD, but it feels like just yesterday. and I can't accept it. He was the closest person to me, he was a genius, and witty, but more importantly the most caring, altruistic, loving, compassionate person ever. A true angle on earth, just with a problem.....but he was my other half. The second I saw him for the first time, I knew he was the one, I was drawn to him, and he was drawn to me. Turned out we had the exact same birthday, he even said born at the same time, and I can't even begin to describe the connection we had. We could understand each other without speaking or having to explain a feeling. We liked all the same things, including the same drugs, unfortunately, and had the same problems. Our friends used to call us twin souls, and tease us about him being me as a boy and me being him as a girl. Every time he was over at my house he would follow me from room to room. He made me feel whole, like I had finally found my home and unconditional love. After our first date I even told my mom that someday I was going to marry him, and I also wanted to be apart of his family so bad. We even compared our childhood pictures and we would both make the same pout face. I just can't even describe in words how much he meant to me........I never thought it was possible to feel this way, it's complete transcendence from anything I ever knew or felt. Some I feel is so rare and precious to have found, and I am sooo thankful that I bet the best person to ever live, and to have found my other have of my soul, as we had felt.
Blah blah blah...........sorry....
anyways.....BUT he OD and passed away, and I still can not accept it. and the hardest thing about it, is that the night before he passed away he called me, but I missed it, because I was doing coke. I ALWAYS ANSWER HIS PHONE CALLS, any time day or night, but for some reason I missed this one, and the next day he was dead. and it KILLS me.

It was our birthday on May 11th. and I've been crying for days on end. How do you keep living, and live sober after something like this? I've tried everything. nothing works....

On top of this, not even a year after he passed away, my cousin and I were attacked by a stranger, violent crime, I won't get into detail...of which the psychopath got life. and this week, the week of our Bday was also the week of sentencing, where we read our victim impact statements, and the piece of shit was making faces the whole time, while I yelled at him to look at my face, and he never once looked, so I called him a coward....

Ever since my love died, then this happened.....just feels like a downward spiral into helpless nothingness. I have lost faith in humanity, and purpose for a future....

If I could OD and die too I would. But I know how badly it hurts others. But from both of these traumatic events i feel like I'm suffering so much, and have to self medicate. I've tried therapy, psychiatrists, they're all a freaking waste. seriously. The only one who has worked out a little better is my assigned victims of violent crime therapist. but it does nothing really........


anyways........this is my long rant.....probably feeling way to sorry for myself, but I'm not meaning to, it's more like a constant psychological physical grief/pain for the loss of so many things...... any advice or good vibes will be much appreciated...

 

[Legerity]

I'm sorry for your loss and for the violence that you experienced. You have a lot strength to have been able to make it this far despite everything that has happened. I completely understand your guilt about the phone call but please remember that you not picking up is not the cause of what happened.

Sometimes it's helpful to consciously decide that now is "me" time and to cut out anything unnecessary that drains energy or makes you feel worse about yourself. In particular I've found that cutting out or avoiding certain people during difficult times has helped me focus on taking care of myself.

Quality of therapy depends very much on the therapist. If you feel that your assigned therapist has been at all helpful then maybe you will see more benefit over time if you continue. Change can sometimes be gradual and traumatic experiences seem to be particularly capable of getting "stuck" in a person's psyche. You can also find support in anybody you know that can be there to listen and encourage you during this period.

Do stick around and keep us updated. All the best

 

[n3ophy7e]

Oh hun, I am sending all my love and good vibes your way
You've been through so much, so it's not surprising that you're having such a hard time. It's difficult for me to give you any useful advice because I haven't been through anything like that, but what I do know is that us humans are immensely strong, physically AND psychologically/emotionally. You might not feel that way about yourself but it's true. You have a lot of strength in you to not only cope with what you've already been through, but to make the changes in your life so that you are one day happy again. All I can advise you to do is to stick with therapy. It might not have helped yet but it's better than doing nothing, and it's better than self-medicating with drugs, because that will only make things worse in the end. If you keep going with therapy, hopefully you will find that gradually you will start to feel better and you will begin to make sense of the bad things that have happened, until one day you will genuinely feel happy.

What do you think?

Either way, you've come to the right place. There are a lot of people going through similar hard times as you, and this is a very supportive environment. If you ever just need to vent/rant/chat/whatever, please feel free to PM me okay? Take care of yourself hun

 

[nuttynutskin]

If I could OD and die too I would. But I know how badly it hurts others.

Indeed it hurts others, and do you think he would've wanted you to do that?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am so sorry to hear about the two horrible traumatic experiences you lived through, and I really hope you and your cousin are OK.

I know what you mean when you say you met your soul mate. It is devastating to lose people who are so close to you and I can feel you there. I hope that you can remember the positive times you had together, no one lives forever but the love and positive vibes we create and share in life do continue to live on forever and it is continues to exist as you keep sharing it with others.

So that's my advice, try to remain as happy as you possibly can, do something positive and beneficial for yourself and others, enjoy life while you still can smile at something. I remember when I first smiled after I was quitting heroin for the last time and it surprised me because I wasn't expecting to smile at anything.

I hope you are doing OK when you get to read this because I know what it's like to go through life having to live with unhappiness and sorrow, and I hope you don't have to feel it all the time. I'll send you a PM too.

 

[RJforeternity]

Thank you all for the positive messages, it really helps out a lot. There aren't many people I can talk to about these things, because 1.) RJ was the person I talked to 2.) My cousin was the other person I talked to, but, with the incident, got it the worst, and is addicted to opiates. So I've learned that at some point people want you to stop talking about these things, saying "get over it already, move on with your life, he would want you to be happy"

But they just don't know what it's like, they've never experienced anything close to either of these incidents. So I just keep it to myself now, or just say I'm depressed, and I've had depression my whole life....

But I am trying to live a better life, I started going back to college a year and a half ago, and I'm an honors student with all A's, but it has been REALLY hard, since I was going to school with my RJ, and can't even get out of bed most days because of everything, and have an addiction.

I haven't been to my victims therapist in awhile now, because I go to school kinda far away from my hometown, but also because after awhile I hate sounding like a broken record..even though she is the best therapist I've experienced, it still feels like no therapy has ever helped.

I always try to think about how RJ would want me to be happy, and I do try very hard, but I saw him as my future always. And I do want and try to be as good of a person as he was, since he touched every person he ever met, being so caring and selfless. But it's hard to fight my bitterness, rage, depression, for the things that have been taken from me.....

and right now I've been feeling especially alone in the world....

sorry, Happy vibessssssssss...things will work out someday

 

[ziggo]

Don't worry, soon enough you'll find each others souls again and be able to merge into one if you still desire. That is if you were soul mates, you may have been "twin flames." Accept what happened & Forgive yourself please.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

If I could OD and die too I would. But I know how badly it hurts others. But from both of these traumatic events i feel like I'm suffering so much, and have to self medicate. I've tried therapy, psychiatrists, they're all a freaking waste. seriously. The only one who has worked out a little better is my assigned victims of violent crime therapist. but it does nothing really........

So you're saying that the one person who wasn't a psychiatrist, but in fact a therapist, was the one that actually helped the most?
That's something that I've also seemed to notice.

Psychiatrists have their problems, but they have their place if you realize that they aren't going to solve your problems by themselves. All a psychiatrist can do is tweak the chemicals in your brain, but I feel like a well trained Cognitive Behavioral Therapist has the keys to a much deeper part of the mind, and they have the ability to teach you how to get yourself where you need to be.
Don't write them off, but I know how hard it is to get a good one.
I was never suicidal until I started seeing a psychiatrist, but that was because he wasn't helping me with my problem, and lacked the keen perception that I require of anyone who thinks their gonna tell me anything about how to live.

I just want to steer you away from your thoughts of "they're useless. All of them!" because you could be missing out on something valuable. The whole science of psychology is far from being perfect, but some things have been showing promise.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) are essentially the same thing but they go about it in different ways.

I would recommend trying to find a DBT group and working hard at the assignments if you do. If you have nothing else to live for, live for the fact that you can still make the half of your soul that you do have left something your other-half would be proud to witness. Did you two live a life a constant pain and sorrow when you were together? Did he know nothing other than depression? It doesn't sound like it from the way you talk about him!

You are just still processing the grief, there's nothing wrong with that: take 1 year or take 5 years, or however long, but I promise you drugs will only delay the process of acceptance and moving on.
They are the impostor in your life that is utilizing any piece of rationality that it can muster (because there isn't much rationality to be found in drug abuse) in order to keep them around in your life and mind for as long as possible, and they are infecting you and your thoughts.
I'm an ex-everything user, but current drinker, I'm not trying to preach to you at all. In fact I'm sorry for my tone because I have nothing but sympathy for you!
Good vibes. Mad mad good vibes.
I just want to spread the message that life is good, and I don't care if I seem like a fool for doing so. You can, for instance, decide to just burst out laughing right now if you wanted, and not stop till you pass out. You can do a handstand against the wall and feel all the blood move around beneath the skin just for the sheer fascination of it.
You can try to solve a sudoku. You can decide to become the greatest pianist in the world, and nobody could stop you, but you.
Not even the worlds current greatest pianist could stop you. Hah!
So yeah, baby keep on living.

 

[Legerity]

So you're saying that the one person who wasn't a psychiatrist, but in fact a therapist, was the one that actually helped the most?
That's something that I've also seemed to notice.

This has been my experience too. The extra years required for a PhD in clinical psychology vs. a M.A. in counseling are not what are going to make somebody able to provide better quality therapy. The less caught up somebody is in an official title/position/role/etc., the better, IMO.

How have you been feeling RJforeternity?

 

[Sam h]

I'm confused

 

[herbavore]

^ Not sure what you are confused about but check out the date of this thread. This is an old thread that the OP last posted in over 4 years ago.