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My Dad passed away this week

W

washingtonbound

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 19, 2013
Messages
722
Location
FL
I heard a couple days ago that my Dad had passed abruptly from kidney failure at 76. It was surprising because his mom had lived well into her 90s. I didn't have the best relationship with him, and hadn't spoken to him for months leading up to his passing. A couple years ago I started a vlog series on Youtube talking about the negative effects substance abuse had on my life, and he didn't express any empathy for it, just called me a junkie and said I would never get a job. My parents were divorced and he treated my mom poorly as well. Not physically abusive but always criticizing her for small things and cheated a lot. I'm not too torn up about it but I have been thinking about myself and how I didn't make anything of myself before he passed.

I'm 31 and have let mental issues get in the way of having a decent life. I've been collecting social security for five years after having several episodes of drug induced psychosis that continued into my mid 20s. I went to college three times and left on all occasions due to drug abuse and recently left a job after only being there for three weeks. I would have at least liked to show my dad that I was capable, regardless of how our relationship was. He was always hoping that I'd eventually get my head out of my ass and find stable employment and stop running away but as of yet I haven't. Went to South America a ton of times to get drugged up while trying to stretch my social security checks. I'm pretty ashamed of myself and would like to change but I struggle a lot mentally. It has been a weird week as I contemplate my lack of accomplishments in life.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out there and see if anyone else has felt that they are not good enough for a parent. On the other hand, my mom has always been supportive and continues to hope that I find my way at some point.
 
Instead of beating yourself up over what you did not do, ask yourself why you did the things you did?
Look for a pattern I your behavior, why did you stop working, why did you drop out of school?
Were they too difficult for you to maintain? Chances are you had reason for “not following through”
I don’t believe you quit these things because of laziness, you had a valid reason.
Understanding the why of our actions, we understand our motives and motivations for what we do.
 
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It is the kinda thought creating loops, that can keep awake. Washingtonbound I can t imagine "not good enough" in general toward s other s inappropriate/ nonfunctional approach imo. That doesn t take the feeling away or that someone can make you feel like it. Get that daily. Not at night anymore ended my insomnia period.

It s painful either way a burden doesn t really contribute. So why is it their the thought 'not worthy' ? No idea if it feels the same for you as for me. tried to contact my unknown dad 5 year ago. The only one i don feel these kinda feeling s toward s. Never met him.

Didn t react to the assigned letter. Which did confirm still alive/ adress in use. But atm that part of my live is paused as there is more important shit like my own kid s. Would love to have met him, but could have brought ... this emotion too.
 
M!$TER-ED said:
Instead of beating yourself up over what you did not do, ask yourself why you did the things you did?
Look for a pattern I your behavior, why did you stop working, why did you drop out of school?
Were they too difficult for you to maintain? Chances are you had reason for “not following through”
I don’t believe you quit these things because of laziness, you had a valid reason.
Understanding the why of our actions, we understand our motives and motivations for what we
Click to expand...
I have an issue being around people for extended periods which has magnified in the last couple years. Obviously that has gotten in the way of holding jobs. I am still looking for a good introvert friendly job that doesn't require constant interaction. With that being said, I don't think it should have taken over ten years to finally settle in something.
 
washingtonbound said:
I heard a couple days ago that my Dad had passed abruptly from kidney failure at 76. It was surprising because his mom had lived well into her 90s. I didn't have the best relationship with him, and hadn't spoken to him for months leading up to his passing. A couple years ago I started a vlog series on Youtube talking about the negative effects substance abuse had on my life, and he didn't express any empathy for it, just called me a junkie and said I would never get a job. My parents were divorced and he treated my mom poorly as well. Not physically abusive but always criticizing her for small things and cheated a lot. I'm not too torn up about it but I have been thinking about myself and how I didn't make anything of myself before he passed.

I'm 31 and have let mental issues get in the way of having a decent life. I've been collecting social security for five years after having several episodes of drug induced psychosis that continued into my mid 20s. I went to college three times and left on all occasions due to drug abuse and recently left a job after only being there for three weeks. I would have at least liked to show my dad that I was capable, regardless of how our relationship was. He was always hoping that I'd eventually get my head out of my ass and find stable employment and stop running away but as of yet I haven't. Went to South America a ton of times to get drugged up while trying to stretch my social security checks. I'm pretty ashamed of myself and would like to change but I struggle a lot mentally. It has been a weird week as I contemplate my lack of accomplishments in life.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out there and see if anyone else has felt that they are not good enough for a parent. On the other hand, my mom has always been supportive and continues to hope that I find my way at some point.
Click to expand...
Firstly I'm sorry for your loss
Even without substance abuse it is quite common for families to become detached for a number of reasons
I don't speak to my brother ,I've no mallice against him nor him me ,we have just grown appart
My own father never spoke to his mother for years until old age ,I've never probed for reasons but I have a fair idea .
It's common so don't make it a factor of your current grief
 
lost weekend said:
Firstly I'm sorry for your loss
Even without substance abuse it is quite common for families to become detached for a number of reasons
I don't speak to my brother ,I've no mallice against him nor him me ,we have just grown appart
My own father never spoke to his mother for years until old age ,I've never probed for reasons but I have a fair idea .
It's common so don't make it a factor of your current grief
Click to expand...
I don’t feel guilty really for not speaking to him, as I made efforts, just that I haven’t done anything to really prove my worth to him so to speak. That’s what feels weird
 
So sorry for your loss friend!! When my father passed -- I was lucky to have enough drugs to comatose myself for many yrs --- if not idk what woulda happened. (BTW I realize that was a selfish thing to do)

You wanna talk post here or message me -- I was close with my father so the context is a bit different but still.....
 
@washingtonbound, I am sorry for your loss mate.

I have struggled with a similar issue...just one of many but that's a story for another day.

It's a tough one, even though in reality none of us have to prove anything to anyone, however I think deep down we all want to make our parents proud.

It's easy for me to say but in the end I think we just need to show love for our fellow human beings.

The serenity prayer is a good one to remember.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Try to go easy on yourself mate
 
vision conquest said:
@washingtonbound, I am sorry for your loss mate.

I have struggled with a similar issue...just one of many but that's a story for another day.

It's a tough one, even though in reality none of us have to prove anything to anyone, however I think deep down we all want to make our parents proud.

It's easy for me to say but in the end I think we just need to show love for our fellow human beings.

The serenity prayer is a good one to remember.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Try to go easy on yourself mate
Click to expand...
I appreciate the support from folks on here. Today hasn't been very good, I think my reaction was delayed. I'm really not proud of how my twenties went, drug abuse and a real woe is me attitude. I was thinking that I would have gotten it turned around more than I did before he passed. He was always wanting to find out if I'd gotten a good job, never really did. But aside from that it would have nice to get some better closure rather than getting called out of the blue after not hearing anything about him for months that he'd had kidney failure and was on his last leg. He died the day afterwards and I didn't even have time to get to the hospital since I've been out of the country. Real shame
 
It may be helpful to do a bit of reading about the 5 stages of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I don't claim to be an expert but I do work with people helping them come to terms with losing their sight and we talk about this in every group.

Essentially we will go through them when dealing with a big loss and they don't have to work in that particular order, in fact quite often a person will go from one to another many times in no particular order before getting to acceptance.

Wishing you the best in your journey mate.
 
washingtonbound said:
I heard a couple days ago that my Dad had passed abruptly from kidney failure at 76. It was surprising because his mom had lived well into her 90s. I didn't have the best relationship with him, and hadn't spoken to him for months leading up to his passing. A couple years ago I started a vlog series on Youtube talking about the negative effects substance abuse had on my life, and he didn't express any empathy for it, just called me a junkie and said I would never get a job. My parents were divorced and he treated my mom poorly as well. Not physically abusive but always criticizing her for small things and cheated a lot. I'm not too torn up about it but I have been thinking about myself and how I didn't make anything of myself before he passed.

I'm 31 and have let mental issues get in the way of having a decent life. I've been collecting social security for five years after having several episodes of drug induced psychosis that continued into my mid 20s. I went to college three times and left on all occasions due to drug abuse and recently left a job after only being there for three weeks. I would have at least liked to show my dad that I was capable, regardless of how our relationship was. He was always hoping that I'd eventually get my head out of my ass and find stable employment and stop running away but as of yet I haven't. Went to South America a ton of times to get drugged up while trying to stretch my social security checks. I'm pretty ashamed of myself and would like to change but I struggle a lot mentally. It has been a weird week as I contemplate my lack of accomplishments in life.

Just wanted to get my thoughts out there and see if anyone else has felt that they are not good enough for a parent. On the other hand, my mom has always been supportive and continues to hope that I find my way at some point.
Click to expand...
What is your YouTube channel called
 
I think travelling to S. America is bold and, if I didn't know about how you feel, would think your very successful being able to travel in your 20s. In my 20s I went to Bali and Spain for surfing and it was a highlight of my life. But now, at 57, Im more thinking about travelling than doing it. Having passable Spanish skills, maybe manning a cubicle at the DMV actually sounds like a job for me. I resigned from my teaching position, now I am missing it. But being bilingual and worldly is a decent foundation for many a thing. Teaching ESL to small groups of kids sounds like a perfect job for me, but mostly I just go skateboarding sober in the morning and take moderate amt. of drugs by the afternoon these days. not exactly too productive, but I try not to be too hard on myself.
 
cycloprop said:
What is your YouTube channel called
Click to expand...
m.youtube.com

CATVLYST

From 2008 to 2011 I ran a skateboarding channel called "reedtheking." Shortly afterward, I began focusing more on music production, which is where the CATVLYST name (pronounced "catalyst") comes from. On this channel you'll find a variety of content, from skateboarding and travel videos, to...
m.youtube.com m.youtube.com

Catvlyst is the name of it
 
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