AcidAngel
Bluelighter
I wrote this a couple months ago... just rediscovered it today... just showed it to my friend again and he's like "Are you gonna post that?" So I agreed to...
There are times in your life when you realize that you finally seem to have a purpose... I feel like I'm moving into this for the first time. I've gone so long just existing that I think I've forgotten that. For the longest time I was never happy, never content to be where I was because I thought, no I KNEW, that where I was wasn't where I was supposed to be. I realize now that it wasn't the where that was the problem as I often thought. I had it pegged earlier in life when I felt out of time, not out of place. And I feel like I've hit the TIME now. Yes, some things feel out of place still, but that's because it's not the total time yet. But it will be. Things are going and will continue to go right. There will be snags, because even in moving toward where you have to go there are always setbacks and delays. It's arriving fast though. The pieces are there, I only have to put them together... and even though I don't know what the total picture looks like I've got a good idea, and I like what I see. I like who I have become, like where I am at in life. I've moved past the bullshit of youth and the uncertainties of growing up. I won't say I've grown up, because I don't necessarily think that's true, because I've always viewed the phrase growing up on the same level with growing old. I've played at the grown up game and didn't like who it made me or where it put me. I'd rather say I'm growing into myself. I'm mature enough to know my responsibilities, and to put them first, but I'm not beyond knowing that if it doesn't make me happy it's not worth doing. I used to have these bizarre priorities... My priorities now are my wellbeing, my responsibilities, and my friends and those I care about. Other than that what else matters? When it comes down to it what does having the best house or best car or best job give you other than status? Material things aren't what provide happiness as I used to believe. I realize now that what makes me happy are staying true to myself, being there for those who need me, doing things I love. I used to think that if I had what I needed materially that I would be happy and it was so far from the truth. You can have someone who provides material comforts, but when the soul inside isn't genuine it pollutes the whole atmosphere. Doing things out of a sense of duty aren't why they should be done. You've got to do things because you really want to do them, not because someone's pressured you into it. That's why I'm on my own now... Sure it's more difficult by myself, but better to be happy (if having a harder go of it) than miserable (and have it easy). I no longer believe that I need someone to complete me. I am complete on my own. What I may eventually find (if it shows it shows if it doesn't... oh well!) is someone who seeks my company because of who I am as a person. I don't have time to devote myself to another person right now, and even if I did... would I want to? Not really. I've come to realize that it's not about devoting yourself to someone.. that's servitude. What it is about is caring for that person enough... a desire to simply be with them, not to control or to submit, but to be as an equal to them and realize that together you are stronger. Right now I can't even see that happening. In time who knows... I believe that you get what you give... and I know that some of the difficulties in my life have come from my own selfish actions. That's why now I try so hard to give out the positive as much as it is in my control to. When the time is right the time is right. There's no rushing it. If there is someone out there for me, we aren't ready for each other yet. We still have some things to work through, time to live through, places and events that may change us into the people we need to be. And for the first time in my life... I'm ok with that. I don't believe in the concept of love as people tend to see it anymore... because I feel that what people view as love has become polluted. Love has become a word of use, not of emotion. People have a concept of love that's been instilled from the time they were young. And too often it's the concept of romantic love. And we so try to live up to that.. to be the princess or the knight in armor. But we aren't... we are not fairy tale constructs and two dimensional characters. We are living breathing people with hopes and aspirations and beliefs and prejudices and histories. I found out that it's more about the being there day to day than being there in the special times and remembering birthdays and anniversaries... it's all to easy to mark a calendar to remember a big event. But to be able to be there... when things are good, when things are bad... when things just are... that's when you know what a person is made of. It goes for friends as well as intimate contacts.
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-=*It's a very thin line to walk between phuckered up and not phuckered up!!*=-
AIM:RinoaAngel76
Yahoo! Messenger: AcidAngel76
There are times in your life when you realize that you finally seem to have a purpose... I feel like I'm moving into this for the first time. I've gone so long just existing that I think I've forgotten that. For the longest time I was never happy, never content to be where I was because I thought, no I KNEW, that where I was wasn't where I was supposed to be. I realize now that it wasn't the where that was the problem as I often thought. I had it pegged earlier in life when I felt out of time, not out of place. And I feel like I've hit the TIME now. Yes, some things feel out of place still, but that's because it's not the total time yet. But it will be. Things are going and will continue to go right. There will be snags, because even in moving toward where you have to go there are always setbacks and delays. It's arriving fast though. The pieces are there, I only have to put them together... and even though I don't know what the total picture looks like I've got a good idea, and I like what I see. I like who I have become, like where I am at in life. I've moved past the bullshit of youth and the uncertainties of growing up. I won't say I've grown up, because I don't necessarily think that's true, because I've always viewed the phrase growing up on the same level with growing old. I've played at the grown up game and didn't like who it made me or where it put me. I'd rather say I'm growing into myself. I'm mature enough to know my responsibilities, and to put them first, but I'm not beyond knowing that if it doesn't make me happy it's not worth doing. I used to have these bizarre priorities... My priorities now are my wellbeing, my responsibilities, and my friends and those I care about. Other than that what else matters? When it comes down to it what does having the best house or best car or best job give you other than status? Material things aren't what provide happiness as I used to believe. I realize now that what makes me happy are staying true to myself, being there for those who need me, doing things I love. I used to think that if I had what I needed materially that I would be happy and it was so far from the truth. You can have someone who provides material comforts, but when the soul inside isn't genuine it pollutes the whole atmosphere. Doing things out of a sense of duty aren't why they should be done. You've got to do things because you really want to do them, not because someone's pressured you into it. That's why I'm on my own now... Sure it's more difficult by myself, but better to be happy (if having a harder go of it) than miserable (and have it easy). I no longer believe that I need someone to complete me. I am complete on my own. What I may eventually find (if it shows it shows if it doesn't... oh well!) is someone who seeks my company because of who I am as a person. I don't have time to devote myself to another person right now, and even if I did... would I want to? Not really. I've come to realize that it's not about devoting yourself to someone.. that's servitude. What it is about is caring for that person enough... a desire to simply be with them, not to control or to submit, but to be as an equal to them and realize that together you are stronger. Right now I can't even see that happening. In time who knows... I believe that you get what you give... and I know that some of the difficulties in my life have come from my own selfish actions. That's why now I try so hard to give out the positive as much as it is in my control to. When the time is right the time is right. There's no rushing it. If there is someone out there for me, we aren't ready for each other yet. We still have some things to work through, time to live through, places and events that may change us into the people we need to be. And for the first time in my life... I'm ok with that. I don't believe in the concept of love as people tend to see it anymore... because I feel that what people view as love has become polluted. Love has become a word of use, not of emotion. People have a concept of love that's been instilled from the time they were young. And too often it's the concept of romantic love. And we so try to live up to that.. to be the princess or the knight in armor. But we aren't... we are not fairy tale constructs and two dimensional characters. We are living breathing people with hopes and aspirations and beliefs and prejudices and histories. I found out that it's more about the being there day to day than being there in the special times and remembering birthdays and anniversaries... it's all to easy to mark a calendar to remember a big event. But to be able to be there... when things are good, when things are bad... when things just are... that's when you know what a person is made of. It goes for friends as well as intimate contacts.
------------------
-=*It's a very thin line to walk between phuckered up and not phuckered up!!*=-
AIM:RinoaAngel76
Yahoo! Messenger: AcidAngel76
