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Recovery My cliché recovery journal

hey rio how you doing? how was your weekend? are you feeling any better? i went to a family wedding. got proper lucky saturday is the first day its not rained in like forever. it was really good, not seen a lot of those guys for ages so was a bit nervous but it was good.

i don't wanna go into too much detail about my work on here cos its very specialised but i'll be doing research in bioinformatics.

the way i view the handing over thing without consciousness is just admitting we're not in control. we don't control the fact its rained forever, that's easy to admit. we don't control whether someone gives us a job. we don't control whether a shop will have the item we want. its about demarcating what you can do something about (i.e. you) and what you can't (everything else). i just try to interpret the word 'will' as a sort of analogy for something that doesn't have a simple translation for a conception of higher power that isn't conscious.

the 'perfect or completely out the window' is basically an all or nothing mind trap. we did them in this course i did. unfortunately i don't know how recognising these things translates into not falling into them anymore. i get very frustrated with this sort of thing cos i can recognise being irrational but have such a strong emotional response that i can't override it with nationality. anyway i hope you have allowed yourself some treats. i've been eating like a mofo, so much cake while i was visiting my family, really need to watch it i don't wanna get really fat. no one really prepares you for the psychological impact the inevitable weight gain of recovery has cos its such a none issue when you're trying to get clean but it fucks with my head quite a lot.
 
chinup said:
hey rio how you doing? how was your weekend? are you feeling any better? i went to a family wedding. got proper lucky saturday is the first day its not rained in like forever. it was really good, not seen a lot of those guys for ages so was a bit nervous but it was good.

i don't wanna go into too much detail about my work on here cos its very specialised but i'll be doing research in bioinformatics.

the way i view the handing over thing without consciousness is just admitting we're not in control. we don't control the fact its rained forever, that's easy to admit. we don't control whether someone gives us a job. we don't control whether a shop will have the item we want. its about demarcating what you can do something about (i.e. you) and what you can't (everything else). i just try to interpret the word 'will' as a sort of analogy for something that doesn't have a simple translation for a conception of higher power that isn't conscious.

the 'perfect or completely out the window' is basically an all or nothing mind trap. we did them in this course i did. unfortunately i don't know how recognising these things translates into not falling into them anymore. i get very frustrated with this sort of thing cos i can recognise being irrational but have such a strong emotional response that i can't override it with nationality. anyway i hope you have allowed yourself some treats. i've been eating like a mofo, so much cake while i was visiting my family, really need to watch it i don't wanna get really fat. no one really prepares you for the psychological impact the inevitable weight gain of recovery has cos its such a none issue when you're trying to get clean but it fucks with my head quite a lot.
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hey chinup! I'm still sober! 29 days today. I like your conception of God, an analogous concept in SMART is to take responsibility for all of your thoughts, feelings & behaviours and then let go of the rest. The fantasy of being able to control everything seems to be responsible for a lot of our problems, and NA and SMART appeared to have created parallel methods of dealing with it.

Did you enjoy seeing your family? How have you been the last couple of days?? It seems the miserable weather is at an end - I fucking LOVE heatwaves and it looks like we have one on the way!

I totally know how you feel with the eating thing. I'm blessed with the kind of metabolism where despite the fact for the last month straight I've been literally binge-eating chocolate, biscuits, cakes etc every evening my weight hasn't changed at all. I feel like if there were some outward signs of my over-indulgence it would be easier for me to reign it in, but the fact that all the consequences are kind of removed and out of sight makes it easy to keep doing it, but this week I'm going to be making a real effort to curb it.

I've mostly been doing good. I've had some real severe depressed mood swings, but have managed to resist using on them. During the difficult times, I have been repeating the mantra "I can handle this" to myself over and over, since my first automatic thought is to think "I can't handle this - I need to use". It's been working so far. Can't wait to find a bit of stability!
 
awesome!!! massive massive well done!! i remember, even though i was in rehab, being fucking amazed at getting to that point the first time. you've done it without the security of rehab which is a massive massive testament to you. just don't get yourself a dark to reward yourself.

it makes sense that SMART and NA have similar concepts, there will be some things that are fundamentally psychologically useful to most people trying to recover, and different presentations will suit different people.

seeing my family was ace. some of them i'd not seen for nearly a decade. could have gone massively wrong cos the woman who was getting married's brother is massively religious and had previously kicked up a massive stink about her not having a religious ceremony. but he kept his feelings to himself and even did a hilarious speech.

started my job and its tiring but OK so far. not got any real work to do yet so getting up to speed on new things. not forgotten absolutely everything i know about coding which is a good start.

and yes the fucking sun!! i knew it would come out when i started work lol.

ha mate i am so jealous you can just eat all that and not gain weight. by about week 3 of rehab my trousers that we're baggy on me when i came in barely fitted anymore. there were 25" waist which i now realise is not really a great size to be. maybe try and notice how you feel when you eat crap vs healthy- both mood wise and physically. i know after a few days of eating crap i feel crap and my body craves vitamins.

your mood should be starting to even out a bit soon i reckon. or at least give you some good feelings to go with the bad. well done on the mantra. its totally true. you can do it. it just feels impossible at times but honestly my life now is so much better than when i was using and i'm sure yours will be too soon if you keep up your abstinence and recovery activities.

there's one thing people say in NA that pisses me right off 'your higher power never gives you more than you can deal with in one day' cos literally, we have the option of die right now or get through the day. but its another way of saying 'you can do it' whatever it is. i'm really in awe of anyone who can actually stop using outside of rehab so i'm pretty sure whatever life throws at you now is unlikely to be as difficult as that.
 
chinup said:
awesome!!! massive massive well done!! i remember, even though i was in rehab, being fucking amazed at getting to that point the first time. you've done it without the security of rehab which is a massive massive testament to you. just don't get yourself a dark to reward yourself.

it makes sense that SMART and NA have similar concepts, there will be some things that are fundamentally psychologically useful to most people trying to recover, and different presentations will suit different people.

seeing my family was ace. some of them i'd not seen for nearly a decade. could have gone massively wrong cos the woman who was getting married's brother is massively religious and had previously kicked up a massive stink about her not having a religious ceremony. but he kept his feelings to himself and even did a hilarious speech.

started my job and its tiring but OK so far. not got any real work to do yet so getting up to speed on new things. not forgotten absolutely everything i know about coding which is a good start.

and yes the fucking sun!! i knew it would come out when i started work lol.

ha mate i am so jealous you can just eat all that and not gain weight. by about week 3 of rehab my trousers that we're baggy on me when i came in barely fitted anymore. there were 25" waist which i now realise is not really a great size to be. maybe try and notice how you feel when you eat crap vs healthy- both mood wise and physically. i know after a few days of eating crap i feel crap and my body craves vitamins.

your mood should be starting to even out a bit soon i reckon. or at least give you some good feelings to go with the bad. well done on the mantra. its totally true. you can do it. it just feels impossible at times but honestly my life now is so much better than when i was using and i'm sure yours will be too soon if you keep up your abstinence and recovery activities.

there's one thing people say in NA that pisses me right off 'your higher power never gives you more than you can deal with in one day' cos literally, we have the option of die right now or get through the day. but its another way of saying 'you can do it' whatever it is. i'm really in awe of anyone who can actually stop using outside of rehab so i'm pretty sure whatever life throws at you now is unlikely to be as difficult as that.
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I love this! yeah, life can get difficult sometimes, but harder than quitting a raging H habit?? Nope! I've been pretty good recently actually - the meditation is helping a lot and I'm making plans about what I'm going to do when my financial situation is sorted, which finally isn't too far away. I still have some bad days, like yesterday, but also great ones like today that make me glad that I didn't give in to my cravings when I was going through a rough period.

thanks a lot for the congratulations. its crazy that I'm actually doing now what I've been thinking of doing for soooo long. I guess I'm just not listening to that part of my mind that's constantly suggesting I use, and its getting easier the more momentum I get behind sobriety. I'm definitely getting more good days - I had a wonderful day today, it's like some days I just feel so confident and happy in my own skin, and I'm getting enough of them now that I can endure the bad days easier cos I know the good days are right around the corner. the absolutely beautiful weather today has been such a blessing, despite having to work for 5 hours of it, its really put me in a good mood! Have you been appreciating it??

thanks for the encouragement. Life is already so much better than when I was using. I just need to keep up the momentum and not forget why I initially decided to get sober, because as we know it can be all too easy at times for the dark memories to slip away and the good memories to become more alluring!

It's cool that you're getting a slow introduction into work rather than being overburdened straight out. what are your co-workers etc like?? Has it all been good so far?? how have you been generally??
 
hey how are you doing?? still clean? if so, well done!!! if not, get back on it, you clearly want it, it is possible. i really hope you're doing well. everybody deserves recovery and though its hard it was so so worth it. i can't believe at one point i just wanted to die as quickly as possible from my addiction cos i thought my life was over. i'm so glad my parents basically forced me into rehab.

i'm really good, been super busy- out the house from 8.30 til at least 9pm every day this week but somehow managed. its fucking awesome to actually be able to do stuff in the evenings, and to concentrate at work. even tried playing football for the first time, which believe it or not is not compulsory for mancs, and was less of a liability than i expected!! my coworkers all seem really nice, everyone works super long hours so i'm gonna need to as well. my boss is super nice but totally nuts and apparently really not nice if you get on the wrong side of him (which is why everyone works generally at least an extra hour per day). i don't mind about the long hours though cos i fucking love scientific programming.

i've never worked as hard in my life, i didn't realise how badly drugs were fucking me. can't believe i managed my phd on daily weed, alcohol and benzos (though i used short acting ones in the evenings specifically cos ones like diaz fucked me the next day), and heroin for the last year. though when i saw a doctor about it at the time he said he met phd students like me every week, cos they're so hard and stressful.

have you been keeping up the exercise and SMART meetings? i hope you've found some things to occupy your time that you get meaning out of.
 
I relapsed today. Had a really shit shift at work and my mood just spiraled. Gutted that I've let myself down - I had 40 fucking days! but oh well, back to the start. I really want this to be a blip and not a full on relapse, I regret it already. It felt great but I know it's temporary and that tomorrow I will really realize the consequences of what I've done. I'm just going to try and do damage control now so that it doesn't get any worse. one small positive is at least I didn't inject, just smoked it, which will make it a little easier to resist doing again. I can see now why people suggest taking a full year off of commitments to get sober, since in early recovery we're so easily knocked off kilter. It wasn't even a huge deal at work, just a bunch of little things and one silly mistake that anyone could have made, and my manager was super chill about it (I did something a little too early in the day that I should have waited 30 mins to do), all he said was not to do it next time, but in my head I blew it up into a huge deal and before I knew it I was leaving work super depressed and just thinking of scoring. one other good thing is most other relapses, I immediately start planning my next time using, but I haven't done that this time - I really want to just keep it as a one-off blip and get back to doing well.

fuck me.
 
its insane how I can be doing so well and be so sure that I'm really getting there and making progress and then one bad day and I'm right back where I started so fast. If you would have asked me yesterday or the day before if I'd have relapsed within a week I'd have answered definitely not. I guess I just need to remember that it will take a long time till I'm out the danger zone and not to let my guard down. Thinking back on today though, I'm really not sure how I could have convinced myself not to do it. I was aware it was a mistake, I just felt so shitty that I didn't care. any advice would be appreciated.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
its insane how I can be doing so well and be so sure that I'm really getting there and making progress and then one bad day and I'm right back where I started so fast. If you would have asked me yesterday or the day before if I'd have relapsed within a week I'd have answered definitely not. I guess I just need to remember that it will take a long time till I'm out the danger zone and not to let my guard down. Thinking back on today though, I'm really not sure how I could have convinced myself not to do it. I was aware it was a mistake, I just felt so shitty that I didn't care. any advice would be appreciated.
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Hang in there Rio. It ebbs and flows. Those mood swings come and go. The brain slowly finds equilibrium and those swings lessen in intensity and frequency. It was just a lapse. We're addicts.... These things happen. Don't let the guilt and feelings of failure drive you to a full on relapse. It is probably a sign that something is missing in your recovery. I want to say so much more but I have to wake up in 6hrs. I will talk to you more tomorrow Rio. My thoughts, positive projections and prayers are with you.

What were your thoughts leading up to the relapse?

Much love for all my fellow addicts in the struggle.... Keep your head up kid.... Look at how far you've come and how much your life has improved. You'll still be here tomorrow and you haven't lost anything. Keep coming back!
 
Chinup relapsed and she picked herself back up and is now handling it like a boss. You can either let it make you or break you. Sometimes relapses are the best lesson and give us an opportunity to reassess or recovery and get stronger.
 
sorry to hear that Rio- have you managed to stop using again? i hope so. when you get to 40 days clean, its not exactly a habit anymore, and even if you have used since you don’t have to turn it into a full relapse. and you haven’t lost the recovery work you’ve done while clean, you’ll get it back quickly.

i don’t honestly know what you can do in that situation- the best is to try to avoid it, this is where coping mechanisms that aren’t using come in, so you actually have another option. and just riding it out. but once you’ve actually decided to score, i think all bets are off, its gonna happen.

apart from how shitty it makes you feel afterwards, is there any actual consequence to you using now? if not, can you make it so there are? i realised very quickly when i got out of rehab to my parents that living with my mum having used would be intolerable, so i’d probably get them to give me the keys to my house and be back to deciding how much extra to charge to suck 2 guys off at once in Norwich. i didn’t want that and i’d got enough sanity at that point to actually have the option not to. so can you maybe ask your mum to get proper on your case if you do use so you have a reason not to? its not like you’ll be able to hide it your eyes’ll be pinned and half closed.

are you seeing the drugs services right now? can they get you on a waiting list for rehab again maybe?

did you make a timetable to keep you busy? literally not having the option to go score cos you have some other commitment, or having a psychological barrier of fucking off a commitment, will make it more difficult. i’m pretty sure in the early days that’s what kept me clean. i stuck to my fucking timetable, it was exhausting but most of the stuff on it was directly beneficial to my recovery and mentally it took away a lot of the space for ‘i could score now.’

also are you seeing someone or can you get a referral for counselling for advice on how to cope with situations like the work one better in future? it fucking pains me to say it but it sounds like the sort of thing cat might be helpful for.
 
I have sent yuba several messages that are unopened and posted on his thread, I used to talk to him by pm all the time. When was the last time you heard from yuba Rio? Pm me if you'd rather.

Love ya,
Ash.
 
Hi honey,

I hope this message finds you well, I would like to hear from you either way, if you'd rather you can pm me.

your friend always,
Ash.
 
Hi guys. Thanks a lot for the support, I appreciate it. The entirety of July basically turned into one long relapse, I fell back down the rabbit hole. I'm now 2 days sober and just trying to put the pieces back together. It's crazy how quickly it spirals down, and the illusion of control evaporates. I am honestly trying again to get sober now, which is more than I can say for the last few days. How are you somni, ash & chinup?? It felt really good to open this thread and see your messages.

Thanks for the PM as well Ash, and I unfortunately haven't spoken to yuba in months either, let's hope he's doing OK.
 
rio so glad to see you! i suspected that was why you were not posting. good luck with it. honestly get a proper timetable and stick to it unless you're bedridden. i've seen so many people relapse out of boredom and i think not having the time to helped me a lot.

i know you're not a fan of the 12 steps, but try to remember you are powerless. the control is an illusion, and its a trick the addicted part of your mind will play on you to get you back where it wants you.

i'm alright, job is ace but i'm just wiped. i worked soooooo hard this week to get something done before someone went on holiday. i did get it done and its working really well so that's ace but i'm too tired to do anything except post on BL today it seems. and my brain can't care about that cos i feel really fat today and for some reason that is more important than doing a good job at something i enjoy. i'm not actually fat i'm just a healthy weight for the first time ever, having regular periods for the first time in 13 years, which i associate with being fat which is the most fucked perception ever. i can't try to lose weight cos its like another addiction for me so i feel a bit stuck. aren't you glad you asked?!?!?

have an epic song to welcome you back, i'm seeing these guys in under 2 weeks and am fucking excited: hit the switch- north star
 
chinup said:
rio so glad to see you! i suspected that was why you were not posting. good luck with it. honestly get a proper timetable and stick to it unless you're bedridden. i've seen so many people relapse out of boredom and i think not having the time to helped me a lot.

i know you're not a fan of the 12 steps, but try to remember you are powerless. the control is an illusion, and its a trick the addicted part of your mind will play on you to get you back where it wants you.

i'm alright, job is ace but i'm just wiped. i worked soooooo hard this week to get something done before someone went on holiday. i did get it done and its working really well so that's ace but i'm too tired to do anything except post on BL today it seems. and my brain can't care about that cos i feel really fat today and for some reason that is more important than doing a good job at something i enjoy. i'm not actually fat i'm just a healthy weight for the first time ever, having regular periods for the first time in 13 years, which i associate with being fat which is the most fucked perception ever. i can't try to lose weight cos its like another addiction for me so i feel a bit stuck. aren't you glad you asked?!?!?

have an epic song to welcome you back, i'm seeing these guys in under 2 weeks and am fucking excited: hit the switch- north star
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so glad you're doing well! have you settled in at your new job?? how are your cravings etc?? & this song is catchy AF!
 
thanks! yep i have settled in and am so glad i took the plunge, was scary but i'm enjoying it a lot. until today when i've been thinking heroin is a better way to be thin than anorexia, cos its a lot less painful, i haven't had any cravings for a long time, which is kinda nuts. even when i was in my own place for the first night. it felt surreal not to be using something cos i've never had a day in my own place and not used.

ha hope that means you like the song!! if you do check out losing reverie.


i'm an idiot. i had only had a small snack since breakfast about 9 this morning. that's why i was absolutely wiped, still wrecked but feel up to at least playing my bass a bit now. i was so hung up on food being this evil thing making me fat i forgot it gives you energy. i don't really get reliably hungry cos i've had eating disorders since i was like 11 so my brain overrides hunger and i need to remember than tiredness and feeling cold probably mean i'm hungry.
 
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It's only fair I put the pipe away after reading some of this. Blowing cash is less fun than I thought it would be. But I just wanna get away with doing something really naughty, unfortunately all attempts to be devious result in full-blown actions that are nothing more than simply blase. I should be grateful I'm not in a financial slump like in my 20s. Nothing stopping me from quitting. I'm gonna delete my dealers number next time it rolls around, that fateful hour, it's the only way to stave off it. I miss sleeping 7 nights too. This old phase I am certain I have nothing to prove throughout by going through the motions of a habit.
 
chinup said:
i'm an idiot. i had only had a small snack since breakfast about 9 this morning. that's why i was absolutely wiped, still wrecked but feel up to at least playing my bass a bit now. i was so hung up on food being this evil thing making me fat i forgot it gives you energy. i don't really get reliably hungry cos i've had eating disorders since i was like 11 so my brain overrides hunger and i need to remember than tiredness and feeling cold probably mean i'm hungry.
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sounds like the drugs are a drip feed self-administered if you have deep-seated eating issues. everyone's been there, but it's not permanent. once you prove your point that you can be lean, job is done. it's not a cue to keep going and starving oneself. or is it? maybe me being the self-confessed glutton I am I will never know which way to turn! but food I graze a lot and worked hard for a fast metabolism back in my day.
 
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