Something that normally isn't stressful for someone like me but really is so I don't want to get triggered thinking/talking about it. It's behind me now.
How you doing I just read your post and can feel your pain . My oldman beat us and mentally fuck us up for life me and my brothers. Its a pain that is always there . Its a pain that makes you sob like a child when we alone . I was like you did not want to blame the oldman for my additions but heroin fucking helped a lot . I cant tell you what can help becuse i still suffer . You going after women who are like your mom is proberly because you know where you are with that type of women its just the norm for you . If microdosing is helping you carry on its better then being on the gear. Stay strong my brother the alternative is way worse
Firstly my brother stop the urge to carry on with the gear you know that the easy route thats why it's in your head. I'm no saint mate I just spent three days up north on the coke but no gear we all slip but you have to get back up. Life on gear has fucked your veins your mind and your financial stability your relationships with your loved ones its no a life choice you can keep. Your the same as me as in we got all our friends who use drugs and the ones that don't we find boring as fuck. The solution is you have to stay away from friend that use I know they may love you but you can't hang around with them without a relapse happening. You know all this and i bet you turn a little fuck up into a massive one in your head just to make an excuse to use . Its hard bruv the hardest thing you will ever do but you have to get through it. What else can you do rio i know dont let this cun t of a drug ruin your life and at worst take it . Get up my brother think fuck it i start again not being a slave feels so good even if we have to admit this struggle for lifeI've had another relapse. It's become extremely clear to me I have to completely cut my 2 closest friends out my life. They are both negative influences - one of them is an active user, and though he doesn't offer me drugs if he knows I'm trying to be sober, he hints that he has money and makes it very easy for me to slip. The other one doesn't use, but doesn't seem to grasp the severity of my addiction, and because he enjoys a crack pipe and likes to hang around the crazy, amped-up version of myself that I become on crack, he encourages me to use, and even when he doesn't actively encourage it it's like when I'm around him I'm primed to use drugs because I associate being with him with being high. I need to stay away from both of them for a significant period of time until I am in a place where I'm strong enough and stable enough in sobriety that they can no longer influence me (or, to be precise, I would no longer let them be an influence on me).
This is not to say that it's the fault of either of them, or that they are bad people. They have been good friends & when I've told them I want to get sober they've been supportive and encouraging. I don't think for a second they want to see me unhappy or that they consciously want me to relapse, but it's just drugs are so intertwined into my friendship with both of them that it's impossible to extricate it from that context when I'm so vulnerable. I do thankfully have one other close friend who doesn't use & who I've never used with/around, so I won't be entirely friendless, but it will still suck cutting both of them out my life. I am in a position at the moment where I have countless acquaintances but only 3 close friends, without a group of people I would just call friends in between - the people I know I either barely know or are super super close with. I need to remedy this in the future as I do miss having more people in my life that I could hang out with. I am lucky that I still have a close friend left who I can be around who isn't linked to using - the guy has stood by me through so much shit. 99% of people who had been put through what I put him through would have dropped me years ago, but he has never turned his back on me.
I really never thought before that I could be influenced into using by other people, but now I realize it's more complicated than that. Just like if I went to the street where I always used to buy my drugs or watched a needle fill with blood, these friends are triggers for me since I've taught my brain to associate their presence with getting high, so even with zero suggestion or provocation I only have to be around them for cravings to start in my mind. That's enough to push me over the edge when I'm vulnerable, and the fact that one of them often has money that I know he'd be happy to spend on drugs with me and the other will get drunk and actively suggest that I get high just makes the situation even more risky. I feel like I'm at least learning lessons from these lapses - the first was that I need to reach out to people & not let disruptions to my plans turn into a giant event, the second that having physical cash is a trigger for me that I need to avoid, and now that these 2 friends need to unfortunately be avoided for the foreseeable.
The urge to just carry on with this relapse and push it to the limit is strong in me, but a part of me is still crying out for sobriety, and I am letting the latter voice steer the ship. I could ignore it and dive headfirst into using until that voice is barely a whisper and just continue until the consequences become severe enough that I'm forced to stop and throw everything out the window for the fleeting but intense pleasure of drugs, but something is holding me back. I really don't want to be using at Christmas, and the fact that it will be 2020 soon is really motivating me to stop. It feels symbolic - not just a new year, but a new decade, a great time to leave my addiction behind. Part of me wants to keep using until New Years Eve and then start sobriety Jan 1st 2020, but I know that if I decide to do that then by the time New Years rolls around I am extremely unlikely to have the perspective or control to stop, since the longer a lapse goes on the more my perspective shifts. Instead of the using being the abnormal circumstance and sobriety something I'm returning to, at some point using becomes normal and sobriety becomes something horrendous & awful, a terrifying state of mind to be avoided at all costs. I stop looking to the future and my perspective is locked into the next pipe or shot, and I only see past that to the next time I'll be scoring drugs or the next way of getting money.
Losing myself in the 3 month relapse really frightened me when I came out of it, and I really don't want to get into that state of mind again. The headspace where emotionally destroying my Mum, betraying my friends & disappointing everyone barely even registers in my mind as bad things. That mindset where contemplating losing my job, eviction, homelessness & overdosing is considered in a totally detached & apathetic way since the only really important thing is how I'll be scoring next. Being driven to shoplifting, lying, stealing & manipulating those around me to get money. Sitting in my bathroom with a syringe full of blood, desperately stabbing at random spots in my arm to try and hit a vein, growing more and more anxious and desperate as I notice the solution getting thicker, risking it clotting & sealing the substances that are my entire life in the useless blocked syringe as the withdrawals are creeping in more & more. Waking up every day with a pit in my stomach, disgusted by what I've turned into and overwhelmingly depressed by my situation, and then motivated with a frenetic desperation to get drugs in me as quickly as possible so that I can cope with the miserable ordeal that my life has become.
This is what I must remember when I'm tempted to score tomorrow. I would much rather go through a day or two of depression and then the mood swings of PAWs while my brain & body re-adjusts to buprenorphine then go back into that hell during the time of year you're supposed to enjoy with your family. I've ruined many a Christmas for myself like that before, and I'm determined to not let it happen again this one.
Didn't mean to ramble but felt like I had to get that off my chest. I love that I have you guys to vent to and that I can connect with people going through the same thing. I look at people like @yubacity and am inspired to stay clean for another day when I see how far he's come and how great he's doing despite the fact that his habit was really similar to mine. I look at @chinup staying strong despite dealing with a nightmare housemate, who has learnt to find joy in the small things again & is showing by example how enduring the PAWs means that things get better. I look at @Captain.Heroin, one resilient & tough motherfucker, who struggles every single day with mental health problems and yet stays sober and optimistic in the face of it all, and even manages to find the time to be supportive to me, despite the fact that when I was hopped up on speedballs one day I went on a crazy personal vendetta against him for absolutely no reason and acted like a total & utter cunt - enough to make anyone without a heart of gold skip my posts & threads entirely but yet he's here giving me advice and helping me out. I look at @somnilicious who similarly to me has just had a little relapse but is jumping right back into staying sober, who is learning more about himself & honestly sharing himself with us and is also in this crazy journey that is the battle to stay sober and I feel like I'm not doing it alone. I am lucky to have all of you - even if you just drop a little reply of a sentence or two or take the time out your days to ask how I am, it means so much to me and honestly uplifts me, and I'm really grateful to all of you for that.
Hope everyone is good?? Thanks for continuing to follow my thread - I'm hoping that it will one day soon stop being a chronicle of repeated failures and turn into a success story.
My sober is specifically “no bupe/heroin or high potency opiates of that nature”. I spent several days just using marijuana. Willful break from everything including shatter. It was terrible.I've had another relapse. It's become extremely clear to me I have to completely cut my 2 closest friends out my life. They are both negative influences - one of them is an active user, and though he doesn't offer me drugs if he knows I'm trying to be sober, he hints that he has money and makes it very easy for me to slip. The other one doesn't use, but doesn't seem to grasp the severity of my addiction, and because he enjoys a crack pipe and likes to hang around the crazy, amped-up version of myself that I become on crack, he encourages me to use, and even when he doesn't actively encourage it it's like when I'm around him I'm primed to use drugs because I associate being with him with being high. I need to stay away from both of them for a significant period of time until I am in a place where I'm strong enough and stable enough in sobriety that they can no longer influence me (or, to be precise, I would no longer let them be an influence on me).
This is not to say that it's the fault of either of them, or that they are bad people. They have been good friends & when I've told them I want to get sober they've been supportive and encouraging. I don't think for a second they want to see me unhappy or that they consciously want me to relapse, but it's just drugs are so intertwined into my friendship with both of them that it's impossible to extricate it from that context when I'm so vulnerable. I do thankfully have one other close friend who doesn't use & who I've never used with/around, so I won't be entirely friendless, but it will still suck cutting both of them out my life. I am in a position at the moment where I have countless acquaintances but only 3 close friends, without a group of people I would just call friends in between - the people I know I either barely know or are super super close with. I need to remedy this in the future as I do miss having more people in my life that I could hang out with. I am lucky that I still have a close friend left who I can be around who isn't linked to using - the guy has stood by me through so much shit. 99% of people who had been put through what I put him through would have dropped me years ago, but he has never turned his back on me.
I really never thought before that I could be influenced into using by other people, but now I realize it's more complicated than that. Just like if I went to the street where I always used to buy my drugs or watched a needle fill with blood, these friends are triggers for me since I've taught my brain to associate their presence with getting high, so even with zero suggestion or provocation I only have to be around them for cravings to start in my mind. That's enough to push me over the edge when I'm vulnerable, and the fact that one of them often has money that I know he'd be happy to spend on drugs with me and the other will get drunk and actively suggest that I get high just makes the situation even more risky. I feel like I'm at least learning lessons from these lapses - the first was that I need to reach out to people & not let disruptions to my plans turn into a giant event, the second that having physical cash is a trigger for me that I need to avoid, and now that these 2 friends need to unfortunately be avoided for the foreseeable.
The urge to just carry on with this relapse and push it to the limit is strong in me, but a part of me is still crying out for sobriety, and I am letting the latter voice steer the ship. I could ignore it and dive headfirst into using until that voice is barely a whisper and just continue until the consequences become severe enough that I'm forced to stop and throw everything out the window for the fleeting but intense pleasure of drugs, but something is holding me back. I really don't want to be using at Christmas, and the fact that it will be 2020 soon is really motivating me to stop. It feels symbolic - not just a new year, but a new decade, a great time to leave my addiction behind. Part of me wants to keep using until New Years Eve and then start sobriety Jan 1st 2020, but I know that if I decide to do that then by the time New Years rolls around I am extremely unlikely to have the perspective or control to stop, since the longer a lapse goes on the more my perspective shifts. Instead of the using being the abnormal circumstance and sobriety something I'm returning to, at some point using becomes normal and sobriety becomes something horrendous & awful, a terrifying state of mind to be avoided at all costs. I stop looking to the future and my perspective is locked into the next pipe or shot, and I only see past that to the next time I'll be scoring drugs or the next way of getting money.
Losing myself in the 3 month relapse really frightened me when I came out of it, and I really don't want to get into that state of mind again. The headspace where emotionally destroying my Mum, betraying my friends & disappointing everyone barely even registers in my mind as bad things. That mindset where contemplating losing my job, eviction, homelessness & overdosing is considered in a totally detached & apathetic way since the only really important thing is how I'll be scoring next. Being driven to shoplifting, lying, stealing & manipulating those around me to get money. Sitting in my bathroom with a syringe full of blood, desperately stabbing at random spots in my arm to try and hit a vein, growing more and more anxious and desperate as I notice the solution getting thicker, risking it clotting & sealing the substances that are my entire life in the useless blocked syringe as the withdrawals are creeping in more & more. Waking up every day with a pit in my stomach, disgusted by what I've turned into and overwhelmingly depressed by my situation, and then motivated with a frenetic desperation to get drugs in me as quickly as possible so that I can cope with the miserable ordeal that my life has become.
This is what I must remember when I'm tempted to score tomorrow. I would much rather go through a day or two of depression and then the mood swings of PAWs while my brain & body re-adjusts to buprenorphine then go back into that hell during the time of year you're supposed to enjoy with your family. I've ruined many a Christmas for myself like that before, and I'm determined to not let it happen again this one.
Didn't mean to ramble but felt like I had to get that off my chest. I love that I have you guys to vent to and that I can connect with people going through the same thing. I look at people like @yubacity and am inspired to stay clean for another day when I see how far he's come and how great he's doing despite the fact that his habit was really similar to mine. I look at @chinup staying strong despite dealing with a nightmare housemate, who has learnt to find joy in the small things again & is showing by example how enduring the PAWs means that things get better. I look at @Captain.Heroin, one resilient & tough motherfucker, who struggles every single day with mental health problems and yet stays sober and optimistic in the face of it all, and even manages to find the time to be supportive to me, despite the fact that when I was hopped up on speedballs one day I went on a crazy personal vendetta against him for absolutely no reason and acted like a total & utter cunt - enough to make anyone without a heart of gold skip my posts & threads entirely but yet he's here giving me advice and helping me out. I look at @somnilicious who similarly to me has just had a little relapse but is jumping right back into staying sober, who is learning more about himself & honestly sharing himself with us and is also in this crazy journey that is the battle to stay sober and I feel like I'm not doing it alone. I am lucky to have all of you - even if you just drop a little reply of a sentence or two or take the time out your days to ask how I am, it means so much to me and honestly uplifts me, and I'm really grateful to all of you for that.
Hope everyone is good?? Thanks for continuing to follow my thread - I'm hoping that it will one day soon stop being a chronicle of repeated failures and turn into a success story.