Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[Rio Fantastic]

What's the difference between the junkies that quit one day and the lifers that try and try but are on it for the rest of their lives? Genetics? Support system? Hitting 'rock bottom'? Some innate quality like willpower or grit or fortitude? Environment? Motivation? Spirituality? All of the above? What are your thoughts? Personally I would like to attribute it to willpower but think it's likely some combination of biochemical changes caused by genetics, environment and the particular circumstances and whether they are powerful enough to be an effective stick deterring relapse and carrot rewarding sobriety. It may sound like that's a little deterministic and not giving us enough power, but if it were simple grit or desperation I don't think we would have nearly as many lifers.

 

[Korana]

Hello to anyone reading this,

Wanted to be honest. It was day 13, but I relapsed tonight. I had some trivial problems today that I made a big thing of - woke up feeling depressed, went to the cinema where I work by myself to watch Joker to take my mind off it and one of my managers made some joking comments that I took to heart because of my headspace. He always jokes around and is a good guy, but when I am in that mindset I'm so insecure that I obsess over the smallest perceived insult, rather than joking back or just ignoring it like I usually would.

As I am sure some of you can relate to, this is in contrast to me using where I feel bullet proof. People have said awful things to me that I actually deserved when I was using and it doesn't even register - I literally could not care less about what anyone thinks of me unless I am trying to con money or drugs out of them. That feeling of emotional invincibility, like an impenetrable mental armour is a big part of the appeal for me.

Anyway, despite that I still wasn't going to use till I came home and my laptop died in front of me. As in went off and now won't even come on at all. On there is a journal I have kept since April, three chapters of a story I was working on, a fuckload of SMART excercises, about 50 movies and a bunch of other stuff I don't want to lose and didn't back up. I was so frustrated and miserable I scored without a second thought.

I really want to keep this a one day thing, I can't go off on another extended bender without serious consequences. Thinking about flushing the 2 bags I have left and coming clean to my Mum tomorrow before this gets out of hand. Hope you guys are well, it felt good even just typing that out.

Hey, it starts again tomorrow right?
No one made rules that you get off once and that's you/you didn't do it right. However many starts you need you need. It's not like you pick the best method off the bat usually and you're fine. The point is you WANT to be clean and that sticks.
We're in the same timeframe of recovery and tbh I'd effing crack today too because of the panic. My partner only needs a 'not nice' tone in his voice to send me into a spiral.

If you think your mum can will be supportive and try to understand then definitely get her with you. You need support. We're awesome and all but having someone there in your world that you can just turn to and say 'I feel so shit I want to take ten million tonnes of drugs right now, seriously actually, fuck my life' helps so much.
If not your mum then I hope there's someone like that for you.

Flush the stash if you want to. Knowing it is available... you'll know if day 3 off or day 20 off is usually harder and will make it more tempting. You'll KNOW already if you'll crack and take it with it in your reach.
It's all up to you though.

Here for you. I know how much this sucks. Stay strong

 

[Jabberwocky]

I really hope that you managed to get yourself back on track rio. does sound stressful. I found my computer dying really hard recently, financial stress that I did not need. now on my new computer!!!

now i'm not typing from my phone I can tell you about my month from hell.... my housemate went nuts over me moving her laundry. phoned everyone from the women's meeting making allegations that I was waging a campaign of violence and intimidation against her, said same thing to the police, neighbours. called my parents and letting agent too, but gave a different story to them. she'd asked people from the women's meeting to report me to the police ages before. I still don't understand what happened. I couldn't live in my place for fears of my safety til she moved. I don't see what she was trying to do but it was really stressful. also had my bass guitar stolen. i'm back in the house now and things are settling.

in terms of who gets long term recovery and who doesn't, firstly i don't think its healthy for anyone to consign themselves to a life of addiction.... giving up mentally means you don't stand a chance.

however, i have read a lot about addiction- i read a book that claims it is a disorder of choice, and the statistical evidence was quite good, apart from people like me and you were in the minority in every step of the author's reasoning, i.e. it doesn't apply to us. apparently a lot of people can just stop on their own when their circumstances change, i'm not sure that i really consider that addiction though.

gabor mate's realm of the hungry ghosts focuses on childhood trauma, its an amazing book i really recommend it. i didn't have any massive childhood trauma, and am recovering, his patients have awful awful histories and probably little chance of sustaining recovery even if they get to a point where they can try.

i watched a documentary about an addiction program for american pilots that was really succesful, applying something called the swiss cheese model, which i applied and think having lots of different strategies and options for support really helped.

i know you said that you can't get an NHS rehab cos of some stupid rule, but do you know of any charities near you? quite a few people from charity run rehabs come to NA round here, i'm sure if you ask at smart and na someone will know of places nearby and how to apply.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I really hope that you managed to get yourself back on track rio. does sound stressful. I found my computer dying really hard recently, financial stress that I did not need. now on my new computer!!!

now i'm not typing from my phone I can tell you about my month from hell.... my housemate went nuts over me moving her laundry. phoned everyone from the women's meeting making allegations that I was waging a campaign of violence and intimidation against her, said same thing to the police, neighbours. called my parents and letting agent too, but gave a different story to them. she'd asked people from the women's meeting to report me to the police ages before. I still don't understand what happened. I couldn't live in my place for fears of my safety til she moved. I don't see what she was trying to do but it was really stressful. also had my bass guitar stolen. i'm back in the house now and things are settling.

in terms of who gets long term recovery and who doesn't, firstly i don't think its healthy for anyone to consign themselves to a life of addiction.... giving up mentally means you don't stand a chance.

however, i have read a lot about addiction- i read a book that claims it is a disorder of choice, and the statistical evidence was quite good, apart from people like me and you were in the minority in every step of the author's reasoning, i.e. it doesn't apply to us. apparently a lot of people can just stop on their own when their circumstances change, i'm not sure that i really consider that addiction though.

gabor mate's realm of the hungry ghosts focuses on childhood trauma, its an amazing book i really recommend it. i didn't have any massive childhood trauma, and am recovering, his patients have awful awful histories and probably little chance of sustaining recovery even if they get to a point where they can try.

i watched a documentary about an addiction program for american pilots that was really succesful, applying something called the swiss cheese model, which i applied and think having lots of different strategies and options for support really helped.

i know you said that you can't get an NHS rehab cos of some stupid rule, but do you know of any charities near you? quite a few people from charity run rehabs come to NA round here, i'm sure if you ask at smart and na someone will know of places nearby and how to apply.

Are you talking about Gene Heyman's "Disorder of Choice"? I read that, and thought it was reductive to the point of stupidity to try and apply economic theory to addiction and claim that you've solved the mystery. I just think any theory of addiction that doesn't take stock of brain neurochemistry, biology and genetics is going to come up short. Never read Gabor Mate, will have to check it out.

I'm glad she's moved out now. Sounds like you're in a better position than you were.

Feel shitty so won't give too lengthy an update, but wanted to thank you guys for the support. I'm 3 days clean again now, but have picked up a virus (very common when I relapse in winter that I come out of it with a cold) so I have zero energy, but also no desire to use. That relapse was practically the best case scenario for any relapse - self-contained, only smoked, didn't spiral out of control - and it STILL left me feeling awful afterwards. Just shows the bullshit behind my fantasy of the consequence free relapse - even if it doesn't go out of control ( which is ALWAYS a very real possibility! ) it still takes it out of me, a lot.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey, it starts again tomorrow right?
No one made rules that you get off once and that's you/you didn't do it right. However many starts you need you need. It's not like you pick the best method off the bat usually and you're fine. The point is you WANT to be clean and that sticks.
We're in the same timeframe of recovery and tbh I'd effing crack today too because of the panic. My partner only needs a 'not nice' tone in his voice to send me into a spiral.

If you think your mum can will be supportive and try to understand then definitely get her with you. You need support. We're awesome and all but having someone there in your world that you can just turn to and say 'I feel so shit I want to take ten million tonnes of drugs right now, seriously actually, fuck my life' helps so much.
If not your mum then I hope there's someone like that for you.

Flush the stash if you want to. Knowing it is available... you'll know if day 3 off or day 20 off is usually harder and will make it more tempting. You'll KNOW already if you'll crack and take it with it in your reach.
It's all up to you though.

Here for you. I know how much this sucks. Stay strong

thanks korana. you speak from experience I assume?

 

[Meth novice 79]

I believe entirely it’s enviroment and will power.

If you’re in a bad place mentally, life keeps throwing curve balls and nothing works out how you planned, then it’s pretty damned hard not to relapse. Impossible in my own experience.

The great irony is that no one ever thinks they need to get sober til the proverbial has hit the fan and your environment is pretty much screwed already, So the issue becomes circular.

Tonight I’m having my last wine, tomorrow I start sober and begin putting back the pieces from my last round of ‘let’s see how bad I can fuck my life this time’

Last time I made 3 years completely sober. Not even weed or a codeine script to take the edge off the alcohol withdrawals.

This round is a little heavier, think I’ll need GP support, at the very least for sleep.
A gf is bringing me edibles, hopefully that’ll be enough.
Not holding on to hope too tight tho.


Best of luck to all trying to beat the devil on their shoulder, the greatest advice I’ve ever been given is ‘get a hobby!’
Something you love doing (no not crack darnit lol) and can immerse yourself in.

On my last attempt I bought kayaks and made it my mission to spend all summer on the water.
This round I think I’ll buy a tent and camping equipment to go with it so I can venture further.

It’s kind of exciting when you put it into the right perspective.
And think of the positives, if you don’t make it, at least your tolerance will have dropped so you’ll get off cheaper

 

[Korana]

thanks korana. you speak from experience I assume?

Oh yus. I've had the mega blues this week. Almost said, 'screw it, give me the drugs' like a dozen times. I'm at the 2 week mark today actually so for sure, I get it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Meth novice 79 if it was willpower people would be able to stop easier. i read in another book (i think called the anatomy of desire by mark lewis) about a phenomenon called ego fatigue, which is basically our inability to use willpower for too long without breaking in a massive way. the author suggested what we need to do is reframe whatever we want. i now for me view heroin as something that stopped me enjoying my 20s and made me super ill, so its not by willpower that i don't use it, the vast majority of the time i feel a bit sick when i think about using it. that said, reframing isn't really something you can do consciously all in one go.

that book is actually great too, it rang true. its theory is that addiction is our learning mechanisms, the ones connected to learning for survival, behaving normally in the case of highly abnormal environments and brain states (induced by drugs, and in one case study, eating disorders).

yep rio i think that's the book. it just annoyed me that he'd show a graph that was like 70-30 split then continue reasoning as if the 70% are 100% and not even mention the minority, when you're in the minority every fucking time it gets more and more irritating. but i did like the bit about global choice vs local choice, how its always a bad global choice to use, but as the consequences of using mount up, using becomes a better and better local choice.

overall i do agree that a theory of addiction has to take into account neurochemistry, genetics, environment.

well done for getting back to day 3, and it sounds like you learned a useful lesson. is there anything fun you want to learn to do so you have some other options if you feel that way again? it took a few months to pay off cos its really not a straight up replacement, but learning the bass for me eventually became something i could do when the other option was to sit around feeling sorry for myself that i wasn't allowed to get a dark.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Oh yus. I've had the mega blues this week. Almost said, 'screw it, give me the drugs' like a dozen times. I'm at the 2 week mark today actually so for sure, I get it.

What was your DOC? How are you resisting?

@Meth novice 79 if it was willpower people would be able to stop easier. i read in another book (i think called the anatomy of desire by mark lewis) about a phenomenon called ego fatigue, which is basically our inability to use willpower for too long without breaking in a massive way. the author suggested what we need to do is reframe whatever we want. i now for me view heroin as something that stopped me enjoying my 20s and made me super ill, so its not by willpower that i don't use it, the vast majority of the time i feel a bit sick when i think about using it. that said, reframing isn't really something you can do consciously all in one go.

that book is actually great too, it rang true. its theory is that addiction is our learning mechanisms, the ones connected to learning for survival, behaving normally in the case of highly abnormal environments and brain states (induced by drugs, and in one case study, eating disorders).

yep rio i think that's the book. it just annoyed me that he'd show a graph that was like 70-30 split then continue reasoning as if the 70% are 100% and not even mention the minority, when you're in the minority every fucking time it gets more and more irritating. but i did like the bit about global choice vs local choice, how its always a bad global choice to use, but as the consequences of using mount up, using becomes a better and better local choice.

overall i do agree that a theory of addiction has to take into account neurochemistry, genetics, environment.

well done for getting back to day 3, and it sounds like you learned a useful lesson. is there anything fun you want to learn to do so you have some other options if you feel that way again? it took a few months to pay off cos its really not a straight up replacement, but learning the bass for me eventually became something i could do when the other option was to sit around feeling sorry for myself that i wasn't allowed to get a dark.

hey man, all of the free things I enjoy I'm currently doing - reading, writing, music, podcasts etc. There's a bunch of stuff I want to take up but it all requires money and at the moment I'm just trying to climb out the hole of debt! I'm sure if i stay sober though my mindset will improve.

I'd forgotten that about global vs local choice, but though he dresses it up in the language of behavioural economics, surely it's just a rephrasing of the obvious - that addicts make short-term decisions at the expense of their long term health, wellness etc? How are you anyway chinup??

I feel like I'm finally getting back on track. Day 5, and a new determination has set in now. I haven't felt this compelled to stay away from drugs for a LONG time. I think it's partially because my last relapse was pretty much the best-case scenario for relapsing - only smoked, no injecting, kept it to a 24 hour period, didn't re-use - and I still felt totally fucked for days afterwards. Still not quite back where I was but definitely getting there. I just need to remember this fire inside for sobriety when it gets to 2 weeks time and the depression comes in again. Once I make it past that point, I know I will do at least a couple of months before the cravings come that hard again. I have the benefit of experience at least.

 

[Jabberwocky]

fair enough. do you owe to dealers or your mum? if your mum, point her here - hedonic rehabilitation is basically fun, and if there's any relatively cheap options you're not doing, ask if it would be OK. that model of recovery is the one used in aviation with an 80 something % success rate, i.e. astonishingly high. that said, owing parents sucks. i sold my house, gave everything to my parents, and still owe them over 40k. i'm currently not repaying anything cos i simply can't afford it but feel guilty every time i think about it.

i'm so glad you're feeling better! but also realistic that there's still shit to come. i felt shit almost all the time for the first 3 months, then it started to be more up than down with some actually decent sustained ups. then at 6 months had a massive month long down that ended up with me bingeing on everything i could bar crack and smack and having to do a mini rattle. since then til the last month its been ok.

yes the global vs local choice thing is just rephrasing the obvious, but its rephrasing it in a way that, at least to me, made me feel like the awful shit i did to be able to score was vaguely rational after all.

i've had a super stressful couple of days, thanks for asking, going to rant about it in the recovery thread now.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

fair enough. do you owe to dealers or your mum? if your mum, point her here - hedonic rehabilitation is basically fun, and if there's any relatively cheap options you're not doing, ask if it would be OK. that model of recovery is the one used in aviation with an 80 something % success rate, i.e. astonishingly high. that said, owing parents sucks. i sold my house, gave everything to my parents, and still owe them over 40k. i'm currently not repaying anything cos i simply can't afford it but feel guilty every time i think about it.

i'm so glad you're feeling better! but also realistic that there's still shit to come. i felt shit almost all the time for the first 3 months, then it started to be more up than down with some actually decent sustained ups. then at 6 months had a massive month long down that ended up with me bingeing on everything i could bar crack and smack and having to do a mini rattle. since then til the last month its been ok.

yes the global vs local choice thing is just rephrasing the obvious, but its rephrasing it in a way that, at least to me, made me feel like the awful shit i did to be able to score was vaguely rational after all.

i've had a super stressful couple of days, thanks for asking, going to rant about it in the recovery thread now.

I only owe £30 to dealers, I owe my mum £1600 now. I will definitely show that to her - it's an interesting concept! I'd never heard of it before.

I've been feeling a little shitty today. 6 days since my lapse and cravings are definitely starting to rear their ugly head again. I went to SMART today and managed to engage in the group, and a little rundown of how to deal with cravings has really helped, as has reminding myself that this is all temporary, which it is. Cravings are unpleasant, but not totally unbearable. I can handle this. I can deal with feeling kind of grey and miserable and hazy, but I cannot deal with constantly going round and round in circles for another 5 years. I've wasted more than enough time already. Thankfully, I have a couple of days off work now so I'm going to go to some meetings, catch up on some chores and just get my head together. This little downer particularly sucks because I was so, so happy on Tuesday - I felt high on life and fantastic, but inevitably it's followed by a crash. I'm learning to deal with it though, and I have a good idea of what to expect in the next couple of weeks so I'm preparing for mood swings & cravings and am going to practice acknowledging my urges without acting on them!

How's everyone doing? chinup, you still stressed?

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I feel better today! I woke up not ecstatically happy or depressed. 7 days in and finally I feel some semblance of what it's like to be a normal human being. I am preparing myself for the fact that this pseudo-stability won't last and the mood swings will resume their regularly scheduled programming soon, but am enjoying it while it lasts. It's dropped to 1 degree here in the UK, but it's brighter outside so I feel better than when it's 10 degrees and grey like it's been the last week or so. Going to a SMART meeting tonight. I find that even if the meetings themselves aren't super-helpful, just the fact that I've made the effort to go is like confirming to my subconscious mind that sobriety is something I value and I am way less likely to have cravings for the day, so I'm going to try and go to as many as possible while its still early days.

One thing I struggle with in sobriety, and I'm sure people will be able to relate, is that feeling of "OK, this is cool and all but...where's the pleasure?" What are we all looking forward to? I know that this is just my semi-anhedonia induced by the highs of drugs talking, but I often look at myself and the sober people around me and wonder where the peak experiences are. I used to divide my life into waiting/looking for drugs and taking drugs, with drugs being the buzz, reward, pleasure, spike. Without them, it's like - what's there to look forward to? Going to bars & clubs to drink? Sitting in some restaurant with family? Achieving something material and irrelevant in the long run? Today these reflections come from a place of distance, since I'm not depressed today, but when I am in a dark mood these thoughts dominate me and are difficult to address. Any advice?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm proud of you Rio. Waking up happy is an almost-never occurrence for me due to ptsd and the ne levels and what not.

My advice is if you are waking up sober and happy you're doing something right that I probably should be (lol). Keep up the great work.

I love camping/the outdoors/nature. Etc. I'd recommend "that" but it's not "everyone's cup of tea", some people are classier than me and prefer a play/opera/movie that I couldn't sit through.

It doesn't hurt to make some friends? Harder than it is to say I know but not impossible.

# of my irl friends = probably a 1 digit number
last time I went camping = a long time ago
my current mental health = could be better but have had a bad year

So perhaps I'll take my own advice soon too.

when I am in a dark mood these thoughts dominate me and are difficult to address.

Specifically to this, in some points in time *I have to medicate*, when I go back and read some of the things I've written my jaw drops.

Talk about it, reach out to people who can relate.

<-- also needs to take the aforementioned advice and I am not perfect

I'd give yourself a pat on the back, read a good book, go on a walk and do something new for the hell of it, why not?

I couldn't even do any one of those things yesterday for a variety of reasons.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm proud of you Rio. Waking up happy is an almost-never occurrence for me due to ptsd and the ne levels and what not.

My advice is if you are waking up sober and happy you're doing something right that I probably should be (lol). Keep up the great work.

I love camping/the outdoors/nature. Etc. I'd recommend "that" but it's not "everyone's cup of tea", some people are classier than me and prefer a play/opera/movie that I couldn't sit through.

It doesn't hurt to make some friends? Harder than it is to say I know but not impossible.

# of my irl friends = probably a 1 digit number
last time I went camping = a long time ago
my current mental health = could be better but have had a bad year

So perhaps I'll take my own advice soon too.


Specifically to this, in some points in time *I have to medicate*, when I go back and read some of the things I've written my jaw drops.

Talk about it, reach out to people who can relate.

<-- also needs to take the aforementioned advice and I am not perfect

I'd give yourself a pat on the back, read a good book, go on a walk and do something new for the hell of it, why not?

I couldn't even do any one of those things yesterday for a variety of reasons.

thanks for the advice CH! I HATE cold weather so won't be camping for a good few months, but taking a walk outside sounds great. I have a few close friends (have had to cut out a couple of using friends) but really could do with some others in recovery. I can't take any credit for my mood btw - my mood swings seem impervious to analysis, randomly swinging with seemingly zero correspondence to anything actually happening in my life. It's good to see you back CH, have you been away a while?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It's good to see you back CH, have you been away a while?

Trying to work on myself. Failing miserably. Still alive, trying to cope w/ a shit-ton of personal issues grief and not dealing well with those issues.

The other day I was having complete like -100 to +100 mood swings, externally but internally was very unhappy etc. At the moment I get numb, then secure/depressed/numb cycles.

I really shouldn't be THIS miserable on a motherfucking weekend. I really shouldn't be, but I am. It sucks.

 

[Hylight]

 

[Jabberwocky]

the swiss cheese model makes a lot of sense to me, and the fact that the aviation programme has such a high success rate must mean something, anything with high success rates backed by research must have something to it.

i'm really glad you got through a shitty day and felt better the next day. well done for not using.

its really hard to say where the pleasure it is. it can be fleeting and come at unexpected times. sometimes just smiling at someone and them smiling back makes me feel really good. my cat is a frequent source of pleasure. i can't believe i neglected her so badly for so long. the other day she just came and sat next to me and it felt so nice. joking or venting with my colleagues (our boss is a nightmare). i guess what i'm saying is that the pleasure can be any time, any place. its not about filling your day with fun. its about being in a mental place where you're receptive to small experiences that can bring some joy. that's how it is for me.

i hope you enojyed your walk if you took one. i do like being outside too. i've started doing the park run, its hell but running with other people makes me push myself more and i feel so good after that its worth the pain doing it. got 3.5 minutes off my time since i started too.

that said, i've felt pretty joyless since it all went to shit with my housemate. compared to how i was before. i'm not in as good a mood as i want to be. i just need to give it time. but those small moments of happiness mean even more to me in my current state.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Trying to work on myself. Failing miserably. Still alive, trying to cope w/ a shit-ton of personal issues grief and not dealing well with those issues.

The other day I was having complete like -100 to +100 mood swings, externally but internally was very unhappy etc. At the moment I get numb, then secure/depressed/numb cycles.

I really shouldn't be THIS miserable on a motherfucking weekend. I really shouldn't be, but I am. It sucks.

You're acknowledging your feelings and haven't gone back to heroin! That's still an enormous success man so you aren't just failing miserably!

the swiss cheese model makes a lot of sense to me, and the fact that the aviation programme has such a high success rate must mean something, anything with high success rates backed by research must have something to it.

i'm really glad you got through a shitty day and felt better the next day. well done for not using.

its really hard to say where the pleasure it is. it can be fleeting and come at unexpected times. sometimes just smiling at someone and them smiling back makes me feel really good. my cat is a frequent source of pleasure. i can't believe i neglected her so badly for so long. the other day she just came and sat next to me and it felt so nice. joking or venting with my colleagues (our boss is a nightmare). i guess what i'm saying is that the pleasure can be any time, any place. its not about filling your day with fun. its about being in a mental place where you're receptive to small experiences that can bring some joy. that's how it is for me.

i hope you enojyed your walk if you took one. i do like being outside too. i've started doing the park run, its hell but running with other people makes me push myself more and i feel so good after that its worth the pain doing it. got 3.5 minutes off my time since i started too.

that said, i've felt pretty joyless since it all went to shit with my housemate. compared to how i was before. i'm not in as good a mood as i want to be. i just need to give it time. but those small moments of happiness mean even more to me in my current state.

I really like that - having gratitude and appreciating the small moments. Getting yourself into the mindset where you can be receptive to the small joys of life. You're totally right, my expectations of pleasure & joy are totally off kilter because of the huge spikes that drugs used to cause, so it will take some time to adjust to just living a normal life with normal pleasure/happiness. You've also reminded me that I NEED to start exercising again! I've been focusing totally on sobriety so haven't been setting myself too many goals yet, but running and lifting weights used to help me so much!

It's been a pretty tiring day today. I had to get up early for a rare day shift (I usually work evenings-nights) so I got less than 6 hours, and then it was really hectic at work. I found myself having idle cravings on the way back but found they disappeared once I was back, which has made me formulate a new, simple principle for myself - when I have urges, just wait them out till I'm engaged in the next activity. It's simple but I think can often be effective for me, especially for milder urges. I've also started an "Urge Log", so I can record my cravings and try and coax out some patterns that I can use in the future to try and subvert them before they happen. I've felt pretty good today, all considering, but I find myself impatient to be back where I was. Another week and I'll be past my sticking point, and I just can't wait to get there so it's not looming over me still.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Getting this one major stressful thing accomplished today *really helped*. Yeah, I'm still a massive failure at most things but I can live with it.

You've also reminded me that I NEED to start exercising again!

To be fair so do I. I do my cardio but I'm trying to get it all together again, and what not.

Any advice I give you is almost always stuff I too need to work on myself. But that just means we're all helping each other get there

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Getting this one major stressful thing accomplished today *really helped*. Yeah, I'm still a massive failure at most things but I can live with it.


To be fair so do I. I do my cardio but I'm trying to get it all together again, and what not.

Any advice I give you is almost always stuff I too need to work on myself. But that just means we're all helping each other get there

What was it??

Feeling ill today. At winter my workplace becomes a cesspit of disease so it's no wonder I'm coming down with something. It's only just beginning so I just have a blocked nose and that gross lethargy that comes with a cold. Hopefully it's not too bad, but I've realized it can actually work in my favor. I'm getting paid £65 tomorrow, £30 of which is earmarked to pay back my dealer (who I'm already a week late in paying and who has been calling all my friends angrily to try and find out where I am) whilst the rest is to go to my Mum. Being sick actually makes me want to use *way* less (as long as it's not withdrawal!) - I just want to lie down and hibernate, not go through the motions of scoring and using, and that excitement that precedes a relapse seems beyond my body's capability to manufacture when I'm ill, so I'm looking on the bright side. Got work tonight, but then 3 days off to get over whatever is coming on. Day 9 today and very few cravings!