I really ought to stay away from her, I know, but the problem is is that we get on so well and the sex is amazing, but I have found myself with feelings for her creeping back in. If it weren't for her fucking ex boyfriend still being in the picture then I'm sure we would be great together, but because part of her is still pining for that asshole she can't commit to anything. I can't turn her down and don't want to deny myself since it's one of the only ways I can really have fun sober at the moment, so I'm just trying my best to stop feelings from creeping back in.
How are you at the moment yuba? Are you using??
You're probably right about the girl. She also doesn't seem like the type to casually sleep around and has told me that she finds it really hard to separate sex & emotions and I guess part of me is hoping that if we keep up the friends with benefits situation then it will naturally develop into something more and that's not too healthy, but I just can't bring myself to cut her out of my life. I am spending time with some other friends, but I really genuinely connect with her and spending time with her is making early sobriety so much easier, you know?? You are totally right that it's harder than just saying "I won't let it happen" - what I meant is is that when I get thoughts about wishing she was my girlfriend or whatever then I remind myself of the situation we are actually in and that it's temporary to try not to get too attached to her, and so far this time around I am way less obsessive about it than I was when we were actually dating.
Contacting CAB is a great idea! I hadn't actually considered that. My mum has been a huge help, as have my friends, and I am trying to avoid the trap of isolation. I have found in the past 11 days of sobriety that I have felt way better than I did the last time I got clean when I did just under 3 weeks, and I think one of the main reasons is just because I'm not isolating this time like I was then.
When you put it like that, it does seem like I'm dealing with a lot! However, one good thing is that I was offered a job yesterday and took it. It's just a job at Pizza Hut, but at least I'll have some money coming in and it's one less thing to worry about. I hope I can get my wages before they apply to repossess my flat, but even in that scenario I will survive - now that I have a job it doesn't feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice about to fall into disaster!
How have you been? Have you moved house?
So today I'm pretty happy. I have a job, I hit double day digits of sobriety yesterday, and the positive changes are starting to have some effect. Like you said tho
@chinup I know there's a storm ahead that I will have to weather, but I am remembering more and more what it was like to have over 2 months clean - that was when something really seemed to click before and I was less of an emotional mess, so I know that even though I am having dramatic ups and downs at the moment, there is stability on the other side of the chaos, I just have to get through to it.