Be prepared: most likely lots of rambling as I am super bored at the moment and looking for something to do.
I feel small...
I've always had the innate ability to think rationally when I focus.
Constructive focusing has always been an issue for me as I have a tendency to focus on the irrelevant. Focusing on everything but myself.
I don't particularly like irrational things, people or concepts. I try to make them... well...make sense. If I can't make sense of it I want nothing to do with it.
I am irrational... I make terrible decisions when it comes to myself. Not talking about my past use, just in general. When I do manage to try to focus on myself it always (like 90% of the time) seems to do more harm than good.
I feel I am currently on the right track. Score 1 for me. Yay! I did something right for myself. Sometimes, when I get lucky, and manage to focus on myself, I can make good decisions that have positive outcomes.
But as most can tell by my erratic writing nature, my focus seems to jump around quite a bit. This started off "I feel small" and was going to go into the emenceness of not only the world but into the vast nature of the universe and how ridiculously insignificant we are to its existence. Blah blah blah. But about 2 sentences in, my brain was like "Ooo go this way"
I'm trying not to backtrack and edit this post for consistencies sake. ( also trying not to use so many parentheses) Fuck!
Fucking hell... get back on track.
So I have a record longer than some of the most violent criminals of poor life choices behind me. ( I have never committed a violent crime) (fuck)
Whether it be with friends, career, or school I seem to always make the wrong choices.
Due to this history I have with myself I don't like facing the introspective nature of dealing with myself. It's almost like I'm trying to rationalize with a tenured politician... (maybe I should go into politics) (Fuck lol)
When I do manage to focus on something, fully, it's like a death beam of awesome focusness... just without crosshairs.
I'm not getting down on myself. It's just something I've come to accept about myself and yet want to change.
That is all.
Random rambling rant over
~MNSC~
EDIT: I was in a weird place mentally last night o.0