Hi there, I need some relationship advice. If you read and respond it would be much appreciated.
So, my boyfriend and I have been together since August 2013.
How we met and how I became a heroin addict: We met by him being on the street, trying to make money, and by me seeing him around time and stopping to talk to him. I thought he was homeless and trying to get money for food and drugs, and wanted to help him by not giving him money, but instead giving him food, advice on how to get food stamps and somewhere to stay. I asked if he had an addiction problem like myself, so I could tell him off the local substance misuse place nearby for help. He denied. I exchanged numbers with him and told him (after seeing him quite a few times) that he could text me and come to mine to get off the streets and have a cooked meal and comfort. Of course, he wasn't really homeless, he just pretended to be so people would give him money so he could score heroin with.
I was at the time extremely depressed and suicidal, and one horrible night phoned him asking if he had any opiates (so I could try them before I died and then take an overdose. He didn't know of this of course.) Anyway, he finally started communicating with me properly and got to my house in 2 minutes! I told him I just wanted strong opiates, he put a small amount in intop of mine and picked up. He wouldnt say what it was for a long time, just 'some opiate' and finally admitted when I asked if it was heroin that it was indeed. He smoked the stuff though, and we smoked a small amount together. It numbed my depression out enough to put my suicide plan on hold, till I could needles. Days went on and we met up and smoked every single one of them. I didn't give a damn about my well being or being addicted due to losing my job, screwing up uni and the misery of fast tapering off benzos. My plan was to use and then one day soon take an OD. I just wish that just once, when I asked to get it, he had warned me how of how bad the wds are, and how if I thought my life was shit it was going to become 100 times worse. God damn. If anyone asked me for gear and didnt use, I would ask why they wanted to and try and help them instead of supply it to them without question. Especially if it was more than a one shot thing- I saw high everyday after I first smoked with him the 'opiate' and he never once said anything about how heroin has messed his life up and does it to pretty much everyone. I guess getting high was more important than looking out for someone else's best interests.
I'm wondering now if I should end it. I want to give up and am methadone, he is on it as well (thanks to me, although he has never thanked me for it). He says he wants to quit but won't go a day without heroin. He won't really talk to me unless its about heroin. He doesn't bother to make conversation with me about... Well.. Anything other than picking up, smoking heroin, money. I try and get him to engage in conversation other than this, but dont get a response other than a nod. I have realised that due to this, I often apologise for talking and go back to sitting in silence, waiting for the next smoke as we watch some crap tv.
I'm not even the most chattiest of people, have always been the listener in the past, but I am starting to yearn for a proper conversation, a friendly chat, anything! I want to do things other than smoke dark and occasionally cycle to pick up and get him some food.
I wish he would just give me a tiny amount of emotional support, as I try and do anything I can to help him. For example-nJust a hug or asking if Im okay after I saw my doctor this week, afterwards I met him and told him "that was horrible, he grilled me about made me explain every problem I've had since a kid". He nodded, not even looking at me, instead scanning who was around him which he always does in public, and eventually said something about picking up. (I was asked, like an interview, to tell my g.p about my problems with abuse as a kid, teen, adult, sexually and violently. Also on how I felt after a close family member died, my past domesticity violent bf that put up, being strangled out in the woods, everything bad with the g.p just asking the me the next topic). My bf knows of things such as my eating disorder, depression, PTSD and anxiety disorder but has never helped support me, other than getting smoke. I feel so guilty even saying that he doesn't but it's true..
So, my boyfriend and I have been together since August 2013.
How we met and how I became a heroin addict: We met by him being on the street, trying to make money, and by me seeing him around time and stopping to talk to him. I thought he was homeless and trying to get money for food and drugs, and wanted to help him by not giving him money, but instead giving him food, advice on how to get food stamps and somewhere to stay. I asked if he had an addiction problem like myself, so I could tell him off the local substance misuse place nearby for help. He denied. I exchanged numbers with him and told him (after seeing him quite a few times) that he could text me and come to mine to get off the streets and have a cooked meal and comfort. Of course, he wasn't really homeless, he just pretended to be so people would give him money so he could score heroin with.
I was at the time extremely depressed and suicidal, and one horrible night phoned him asking if he had any opiates (so I could try them before I died and then take an overdose. He didn't know of this of course.) Anyway, he finally started communicating with me properly and got to my house in 2 minutes! I told him I just wanted strong opiates, he put a small amount in intop of mine and picked up. He wouldnt say what it was for a long time, just 'some opiate' and finally admitted when I asked if it was heroin that it was indeed. He smoked the stuff though, and we smoked a small amount together. It numbed my depression out enough to put my suicide plan on hold, till I could needles. Days went on and we met up and smoked every single one of them. I didn't give a damn about my well being or being addicted due to losing my job, screwing up uni and the misery of fast tapering off benzos. My plan was to use and then one day soon take an OD. I just wish that just once, when I asked to get it, he had warned me how of how bad the wds are, and how if I thought my life was shit it was going to become 100 times worse. God damn. If anyone asked me for gear and didnt use, I would ask why they wanted to and try and help them instead of supply it to them without question. Especially if it was more than a one shot thing- I saw high everyday after I first smoked with him the 'opiate' and he never once said anything about how heroin has messed his life up and does it to pretty much everyone. I guess getting high was more important than looking out for someone else's best interests.
I'm wondering now if I should end it. I want to give up and am methadone, he is on it as well (thanks to me, although he has never thanked me for it). He says he wants to quit but won't go a day without heroin. He won't really talk to me unless its about heroin. He doesn't bother to make conversation with me about... Well.. Anything other than picking up, smoking heroin, money. I try and get him to engage in conversation other than this, but dont get a response other than a nod. I have realised that due to this, I often apologise for talking and go back to sitting in silence, waiting for the next smoke as we watch some crap tv.
I'm not even the most chattiest of people, have always been the listener in the past, but I am starting to yearn for a proper conversation, a friendly chat, anything! I want to do things other than smoke dark and occasionally cycle to pick up and get him some food.
I wish he would just give me a tiny amount of emotional support, as I try and do anything I can to help him. For example-nJust a hug or asking if Im okay after I saw my doctor this week, afterwards I met him and told him "that was horrible, he grilled me about made me explain every problem I've had since a kid". He nodded, not even looking at me, instead scanning who was around him which he always does in public, and eventually said something about picking up. (I was asked, like an interview, to tell my g.p about my problems with abuse as a kid, teen, adult, sexually and violently. Also on how I felt after a close family member died, my past domesticity violent bf that put up, being strangled out in the woods, everything bad with the g.p just asking the me the next topic). My bf knows of things such as my eating disorder, depression, PTSD and anxiety disorder but has never helped support me, other than getting smoke. I feel so guilty even saying that he doesn't but it's true..