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My boyfriend is stingy...

It's easy to bash this guy based on LadyFiend's post, I think I did it yesterday, like we all have in this thread! But sometimes things just don't translate well in writing, especially something as subtle and complex as a relationship can be....When you're truly in love with someone and in a serious relationship you tend to put up with character flaws....In exchange, they put up with yours...at least that's how it should work! Unless we all go to therapy, actually listen to the therapist's suggestions and actually "work on ourselves!"...which I never do BTW, I just go when I need someone to pretend to be interested in me rambling on about myself for an hour!

Ladyfiend is clearly the type that's like, "What's mine is yours", she just has that type of personality and was always like that with this guy...I can be the same when I'm with my friends/girlfriends....Even if I'm broke, I still like to buy drinks or buy someone food late night etc.....Although, I've had friends that were very tight and wouldn't even buy you a 2 dollar drink without sighing and acting like it was a big deal!....They weren't bad people, they were just stingy. It becomes like an inside joke among friends....A:"I wanna get high and I know Mike has weed, hopefully he'll smoke me up if I go over there!"....B:"You better walk in the door with a five dollar bill in your hand, or that asshole will pretend he doesn't have any!".....A:"Yeah, even though we all know the cheap bastard bought an oz. yesterday! B: Ha! I know! What a fucking crumber that kid is! <or something along those lines....Different people have different hang ups, but you can't always judge their whole character based on that....You gotta take other things into account like:

Is this guy completely there for you otherwise? Does he display genuine concern for your feelings and the little things going on with you?

Does he ask you about the details of your day to day life like, "Are you still getting those headaches that you've been getting the last few days?"
"Did your boss end up giving you a hard time at work like you thought he would?"
"Is your cousin still freaking out about her fiancé cheating on her and texting you constantly?"

Does he actually make an effort to find out what you're currently watching or reading?

Does he make compromises when you guys go out and do things he really doesn't want to to make you happy?

Does he try to boost your self-esteem when he senses that you're being hard on yourself?

To me, actually knowing and caring about the little details of someone's life and them caring about the little things going on with you is true intimacy....It can't be faked! And I believe it's more important than just about everything when it comes to having a relationship work long term....If someone really cares about you on that level, it can make up for a lot of bad imho....

The money thing could be an indicator that he is a complete piece of shit, or maybe he's a great guy that's just very controlling and anal about money!

Just playing devils advocate here......

$300 dollar jeans....he does sound like a bit what a Northeast US Italian might call a "spaccone"! Does he go to tanning salons and have his eyebrows professionally done too?;)
 
Screw him. Plenty of men out there willing to buy you nice stuff
 
Blues hues you are right. It is easy to get caught up in just what is being said. I understand exactly what you mean. It would beinteresting to hear how she feels about other aspects of the relationship. I just know that from a lot of past posts...well, you are probably right anyways.
 
Sounds like a guy who will chose his wealth over love or relationships when or if it ever comes to that. As he ages he may well become mega rich, however given his interest and love of money he'll also be a miserable prick with no family or friends. How do I know this? Well I have money, but I don't have real friends or a real family...my daughter turned 17, two days ago and I've not seen or spoken to her for 12 years. Money, wealth and success ???? Yeah it's great...I now use it all to buy drugs and women...I was like your stingy man and I ended up very lonely. I felt money was more important than the love of my life, my daughter and I'll never get that time back.
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Give him a chance, go on.. he's just a man. Tell him how you feel, see how it goes.
 
BlueHues, the other aspects of the relationship are really good. He may not be generous with money, and certainly isn't romantic or fond of gift giving, but when we argue, he fights fair and never even raises his voice at me. He is also very sexually generous... He goes down on me a lot and enjoys physically pleasuring me in other ways too, like if I ask him for a back massage or foot rub, he will happily comply. He is very affectionate and tells me that he loves me everyday and that I'm beautiful.

This is why his monetary stinginess and lack of domestic contribution with housework etc hasn't really been the deal breaker that it usually would be.
 
I'm of the opinion that you should only take on debt if it is an investment in yourself or family (school or house), or you absolutely can't live without it (food or medical). So it begs the question, what did he get in return for his large debt? Was it wise? If not, then don't let him use this as a bargaining chip.

I was also frugal with my SO, but that was because I was a college student at the time. Even now, I don't think I would constantly buy my SO gifts, I'd rather prefer to do good acts to show I care. Kind of like returning a favor with another favor, while trying your hardest not to keep score. Of course, like one poster above said, gifts will be given for birthday, valentines, and christmas / holidays, but apart from that I'd only sneak a random 1 maybe 2 gifts max into the year, and most likely they'd be small.

I would probably not give my SO money for cigarettes, but then I probably wouldn't be dating a smoker to begin with.

Asking for $300 jeans was definitely crossing the line, especially if the goal is to buy a house. That pretty much says "I want to buy a house for myself, with my money".

Being frugal is OK, but asking your SO to compensate is not.
 
I say if u can't beat em....join them....take care of #1 and bank the rest!!! Oh and wtf!!!300 dollar jeans!!!
 
OK, what I so uneloquently was trying to say was this..
in a relationship, it does not count (in the eyes of the law) as to the individual pecuniary contributions to the sum of the material wealth of the unit. IME, usually the male is the greater earner, *although this does seem to vary more recently* and at the end of the relationship, although the hubby has probably put more funds into paying off the house, they get to split it 50/50, even if she did not contribute a cent. If she keeps the kids, she will prolly get 70% of the total assets.

A bloke does may do this several times in his life. This may be a reason that the main breadwinner, or someone who is money-focused may appear to be stingy... maybe his Dad got burned, I dunno.
But as the adage goes, why get married? Its just as easy to find someone you dislike, and buy them a house, and save yourself ten years of pain.

It also appears to me that this thread was turning into a bit of a "manbash" thread, that's why I chucked in my $0.02
 
This is ridiculous. Why would u pay 300 dollars for a pair of jeans? Especially for someone who is stingy and lets u buy all the dinners for him?? Seems like hes got it made with you. I bet id fuck u at least 10x better and im hotter and im broke so I have zero dollars but this guy is a fukin deficit as in minus dollars.

sounds to me u both need a reality check. 300 dollars jeans...
 
op you and others can rationalize this situation until the cows come home; but while you are feeling used and abused at times, and your partner keeps expecting (with or without intention) or suggesting that you give more (when YOU feel youre already giving more than 50% in your relationship); youre always gonna feel like a doormat.

...kytnism...:|
 
Ladyfiend said:
BlueHues, the other aspects of the relationship are really good. He may not be generous with money, and certainly isn't romantic or fond of gift giving, but when we argue, he fights fair and never even raises his voice at me. He is also very sexually generous... He goes down on me a lot and enjoys physically pleasuring me in other ways too, like if I ask him for a back massage or foot rub, he will happily comply. He is very affectionate and tells me that he loves me everyday and that I'm beautiful.

This is why his monetary stinginess and lack of domestic contribution with housework etc hasn't really been the deal breaker that it usually would be.
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Maybe I'm just spoiled... but I don't think "fighting fair" and telling you he loves you everyday is considered a +. It's an expectation for me. Girl, you have the set the bar a little higher! He's your boyfriend. He should fight fair! Should we give him +s for not beating you too? I mean, he also shouldn't raise his voice at you. That's so disrespectful. He better tell you he loves you everyday and give you compliments.
 
Lol /\..agreed=D

Ok..let me clarify because it certainly is never my intention to "man bash" unless it is done in a humorous way! But with the info given by the OP and from her statements of how it makes her feel (and granted it is not the whole big picture) then he totally comes across as selfish and somewhat of a jerk!

I certainly would boot his ass to the curb personally!

*edit* but this is based on not only the info in this thread but also other threads she has posted recently about what I assume is tthe same guy! (i.e. used to be her drug dealer, doesn't contribute at all around the house basically expects her too do all domestic chores and like it, etc etc.). And with a little reading between the lines on a few other "unrelated" posts she has made...of course I could be assuming...
 
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Listen, I'M stingy. I hate to spend money on anything. Except my girl. This guy sounds like a douche. Plus, who wears 300 dollar jeans?!?! What if you spill something on em, ffs.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
He'll probably "buy" the house in his name and have her pay for all the mortgage payments.
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haha- harsh but something the OP should watch out for in all seriousness

it might be termed as " hey darling i love you so much that i want to buy my own house and i'll charge you rent and you can have a room there..."
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
Maybe I'm just spoiled... but I don't think "fighting fair" and telling you he loves you everyday is considered a +. It's an expectation for me. Girl, you have the set the bar a little higher! He's your boyfriend. He should fight fair! Should we give him +s for not beating you too? I mean, he also shouldn't raise his voice at you. That's so disrespectful. He better tell you he loves you everyday and give you compliments.
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Perhaps you're right and I should have higher expectations. But truth be told, a lot of men do raise their voice, fight unfairly, and aren't vocal about telling you they love you everyday. I've been with people like this before, so my only real expectation is that these basic sets of behaviours and values are upheld by my partner. Generosity is a big value for me too, so I'm thankful that he is generous in other ways if he isn't lavish with his cash. My values don't allow me to "expect" gift giving and someone paying for things for me because i am quite independent and self-sufficient. That stuff is nice sometimes, but i struggle to see it as a necessity or true "value". Once I pointed this out to him, he understood that it works both ways and that it is a moral conflict for us if he expects these things from me.

I think if you expect too much from people you inevitably end up being disappointed and unsatisfied. If you expect just the things that you truly value to be adhered to, then anything over and above is a bonus that I believe generates in you a much more heightened sense of gratitude when it happens, because it isn't expected.

I grew to expect gift giving from him because he expected it from me and I delivered, thinking the sentiment would be returned. I think that is what the issue is, and he finally understands if from a moral perspective, after a lot of discussion. Love can be complicated, and sometimes you need to sit down and nut out your values so you can understand eachother.

With regard to buying a house, we are getting a joint mortgage and the house will be in both our names. I wholeheartedly know that he would never ever try and shaft me like that, but even if he wanted to, he couldn't.
 
When you expect little, you will get the bare minimum. If my boyfriend ever raises his voice at me or swears, he immediately calms down and apologizes because he knows that I will NOT tolerate that sort of behavior. Men can and should be trained. They don't get the "subtle hints". You need to be upfront and blunt. Tell him where your heads at, how you're feeling, and what he needs to do that to change it.

Plan of action:
One partner needs to cover every other month rent, while other pays for other expenses (shopping, electricity, phone, etc)-- This is alternated every month.
Domestic chores-- he needs some duties. Taking out the trash for one. I have always said vacuum cleaning was a man's job because the vacuum is so heavy. Dishes, you wash, he rinses. If you're cooking, he's setting the table AND washing dishes. Laundry, he preps the loads and washes them, you fold and he can put away his own clothes.
As far as gifts, they should only be limited to Valentine's, Birthday, and Christmas. Random presents are OK as long as they are under $40 and should be given a max of 3 per year.

If he really loved you, he would do whatever it takes to keep you/make you happy.
 
Being abusive is one thing, but raising your voice and swearing...oh, you mean arguing? I treat the girl's I'm with well, but it's only natural to occasionally have some major arguments that involve yelling when you're in a relationship, especially if you're living with someone....No girl is gonna "train" me... I'd never let a woman run my life or give me an ultimatum of their "expectations"....I've seen guys become emasculated, give up doing the things they love, only hang out with people their girlfriends/wives approve of, dress the way the girl tells them to dress...Once that happens, they own your ass...especially if you end up with kids, you're all done!

Everyone has different criteria of what's acceptable to them, but nobody, man or woman, should be a doormat and give up their individuality for a relationship...
 
I can understand every relationship is different. But I believe both partners should contribute EQUALLY. How they may choose to disperse responsibilities would be up to them. Just like everyone has different partner expectations. If a partner at any time feels under-appreciated or overwhelmed, their concerns should be valued. Change MUST happen to create a balanced relationship. A relationship is made out of trust, compromise, and most importantly sacrifice.

Emotional outbursts are normal and expected; after all, we are human. However, constantly screaming to get a point across in an argument is just plain unnecessary. Your capacity to hear remains the same during a conversation and argument--there's no need to shout. Of course every person is different and if that's how you BOTH "fight", then so be it. I do not scream my point during an argument so I expect my partner to do the same.
 
Pretty_Diamonds said:
When you expect little, you will get the bare minimum. If my boyfriend ever raises his voice at me or swears, he immediately calms down and apologizes because he knows that I will NOT tolerate that sort of behavior. Men can and should be trained.
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Maybe you should get a dog if you're keen on training :\
 
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