Well I've been flooding tds and slr for a while with my topics. I realize many of you probably don't care what I have to say, and I don't care what anyone has to say so I'll just start a blog and save space. I write the topics I have because sometimes I just like to say what's on my mind. I do browse through the replies, but barely anyone has any idea what I'm trying to say. Most people just don't get it, which is why I don't reply to my own topics sometimes. Well, here goes, I'll keep it updated quite often. Even if no one reads it, I like putting my "feelings" down in text, in hope that maybe someone can relate, and I will browse what little replies I get for constructive replies.
I'm just... dead. That's it. There's nothing in me. I'm neither happy or sad, ever. I just, do not feel, and I become increasingly frustrated in my quest to feel, only to be let down time and time again. I just feel so dead inside, like there's nothing in me, but, at the same time, I have a longing to feel something. So I move from thing to thing, in order to try to feel something.. which I call my "projects". Only a couple months ago, I tried feeling something by watching movie scenes which such powerful emotion, and that didn't last too long, until I got bored. I've also tried drinking heavily daily. When I'm under the influence of alcohol, I have realized that I can actually feel internally, and emotionally about some things. I've actually brought myself to tears numerous times while drunk, thinking about things.. like tragic incidences, and stuff bordering on life and death. That didn't last long though. I got bored of being drunk all the time.. and am now sober 24/7 all the time again. One of the only feelings I can feel while sober, is amusement. So, day to day, I often lie to my peers in a non malevolent and joking manner (at least to me), to try to see how they would react in a given situation, and it does bring me some amusement. That amusement though, is short lived, and I either have to keep lying and creating instances for other people to keep myself amused, or completely abandon the act and become frustrated with how much I am not feeling again.
I'm just... dead. That's it. There's nothing in me. I'm neither happy or sad, ever. I just, do not feel, and I become increasingly frustrated in my quest to feel, only to be let down time and time again. I just feel so dead inside, like there's nothing in me, but, at the same time, I have a longing to feel something. So I move from thing to thing, in order to try to feel something.. which I call my "projects". Only a couple months ago, I tried feeling something by watching movie scenes which such powerful emotion, and that didn't last too long, until I got bored. I've also tried drinking heavily daily. When I'm under the influence of alcohol, I have realized that I can actually feel internally, and emotionally about some things. I've actually brought myself to tears numerous times while drunk, thinking about things.. like tragic incidences, and stuff bordering on life and death. That didn't last long though. I got bored of being drunk all the time.. and am now sober 24/7 all the time again. One of the only feelings I can feel while sober, is amusement. So, day to day, I often lie to my peers in a non malevolent and joking manner (at least to me), to try to see how they would react in a given situation, and it does bring me some amusement. That amusement though, is short lived, and I either have to keep lying and creating instances for other people to keep myself amused, or completely abandon the act and become frustrated with how much I am not feeling again.
