My bf doesn't miss me

[Space__Kitten]

My bf and I met online 2 years ago, the he moved in with me, and we've been living together almost 2 years. His father passed so he had to go out of town, first time I've been alone here ever.

I've been going crazy and sad (because he had to fly back home) and its like impossible to get a hold of him. He never wants to talk (when he left he promised to talk 4 hours every day).

He always says he loves me very much and I know this. He was supposed to be gone 2 weeks but because of stuff in the will hell be gone 3 months. Then yesterday he admitted he said it sounded bad and not to get hurt but he just now started missing me and hadnt hadn't really missed me at all the first few weeks when I was missing him. It really hurts I thought we were closer than that. Then I tried to call him last night after work (I call him every night) and he didnt answer, and this morning he hasn't called yet and I know its around 11 his time so he must have seen my missed call. I only called once not to bug him.

Is it just me or should I be worried? I know he's going through tough stuff, but its hard when he said he hasn't been missing me and when he left we both were crying and now I can't get a hold of him.

 

[Beachcat]

I would not be worried for several reasons.

I just went away for four days, and honestly, I didn't really *miss* my husband and child that much...it was really nice to get a break and do whatever I wanted to do for a change. Does that mean that I don't love them with all my heart and soul? No...not at all. I was just busy and having fun.

Also, I think you mentioned before that he is taking care of stuff due to a death in the family? I am sure he is probably quite consumed with all of the stuff that comes along with that.

I think it would be fair to say that he does miss you, he just might not be missing you in the way you want him to?

I honestly would allow him to have the space and time that he needs to get his shit done...go out, have fun, call him like once every night to check in and tell him you love him. If you get all clingy, I am pretty sure it will have the opposite result that you desire. If my husband had called me like more than twice a day while I was gone, I would have been pissed and would have just turned my phone off...

 

[Space__Kitten]

I would not be worried for several reasons.

I just went away for four days, and honestly, I didn't really *miss* my husband and child that much...it was really nice to get a break and do whatever I wanted to do for a change. Does that mean that I don't love them with all my heart and soul? No...not at all. I was just busy and having fun.

Also, I think you mentioned before that he is taking care of stuff due to a death in the family? I am sure he is probably quite consumed with all of the stuff that comes along with that.

I think it would be fair to say that he does miss you, he just might not be missing you in the way you want him to?

I honestly would allow him to have the space and time that he needs to get his shit done...go out, have fun, call him like once every night to check in and tell him you love him. If you get all clingy, I am pretty sure it will have the opposite result that you desire. If my husband had called me like more than twice a day while I was gone, I would have been pissed and would have just turned my phone off...

This post helped me..I kind of just needed that, some reassurance that everything's ok. I don't think its abnormal for us to talk once a day though, this last week he just stays at his grandparents watching tv and waiting for the legal stuff he can't do anything at the moment. But I have just been waiting for him. It's hard, when he was here we were like each others world like 24/7, but I do realize if I want him to miss me and contact me more I just need to be patient and not let him know how crazy in going in this apartment alone with 2 cats haha. It's mostly scary because we met online and he came here, part of me is scared hell change his mind and never come back.

It's been over 2 weeks and he's gonna be gone at least 2 months. Ill get through, its rough lol.

 

[LuGoJ]

I think you are learning how important it is NOT to be with each other 24/7 all of the time. To have a healthy relationship it’s important to have your life as a couple and both of your separate lives away from each other. I’m not talking about secret lives or anything like that but it’s you need to make sure you both retain your own identities as separate individuals, or else you risk becoming heavily codependent on one another.

Go out with friends, go have fun. Enjoy your alone time by doing the things he doesn’t like or doesn’t want to do. When my wife goes away it's my opportunity to go to all of the restaurants she hates and hang out with all of the friends she hate.

 

[Space__Kitten]

I ditched all my friends during the 2 years I been with him and I've been trying to contact them but I think for most its too late, they're mad I just disappeared even though I need them now. I got rid of my Facebook and so I got that back trying to find old friends.

I haven't made new friends for a while any tips? I think I might have to and form some new relationships with girls (and not ditch em this time). My days off I have plans to go to grandparents (I also stopped seeing them as much but they're not mad I wanna see em now haha). And also like mall trips and beauty stuff planned.

Also on another plus with him gone. When he met me I had just recovered from eating disorders, was a normal but really small in size but metabolism was shot. So when being together living with a guy who loves pizza I gained more weight than id like. So now is my chance to loose the weight (the right way now that my metabolism is back) without a guy buying $5 hot & ready pizzas all the time haha.

I figure that's my goal. Spend these 2 months to over shop, exercise eat clean. I'm trying to avoid alcohol (except first 3 days I just got drunk cuz I missed him haha). I was gonna get some kratom and maybe some vicoden just for my anxiety. Besides that, get my extensions back I used to have and nails. I used to be so self obsessed lol I found him though, someone I actually love more than me lol.

Maybe get a tattoo? I have like 6 piercings and ears guaged but no tats so maybe I need one lol. I'm also tanning.

Back on topic...how do you find new friends after loosing all your old friends? I always found friends at work or school. Well I'm not in school anymore and at work I don't know anyone I'd wanna hang with lol plus I'm shy lol.

 

[LuGoJ]

I ditched all my friends during the 2 years I been with him and I've been trying to contact them but I think for most its too late, they're mad I just disappeared even though I need them now. I got rid of my Facebook and so I got that back trying to find old friends.

That wasn't a very good idea, I would be mad too. You are going to need your friends when you and your boyfriend inevitably fight and can't turn to one another for a little while. They are going to be the ones that will support you during times your boyfriend isn't an option.

I haven't made new friends for a while any tips? I think I might have to and form some new relationships with girls (and not ditch em this time). My days off I have plans to go to grandparents (I also stopped seeing them as much but they're not mad I wanna see em now haha). And also like mall trips and beauty stuff planned.

Not really my specialty, i've had the same friends for a long time lol

Also on another plus with him gone. When he met me I had just recovered from eating disorders, was a normal but really small in size but metabolism was shot. So when being together living with a guy who loves pizza I gained more weight than id like. So now is my chance to loose the weight (the right way now that my metabolism is back) without a guy buying $5 hot & ready pizzas all the time haha.

Gained more weight than "you would like" or gained enough weight that your doctor mentioned you should lose some weight? People with eating disorders should rely on their doctors advice as their own thinking isn't always very healthy.

 

[Space__Kitten]

That wasn't a very good idea, I would be mad too. You are going to need your friends when you and your boyfriend inevitably fight and can't turn to one another for a little while. They are going to be the ones that will support you during times your boyfriend isn't an option.



Not really my specialty, i've had the same friends for a long time lol




Gained more weight than "you would like" or gained enough weight that your doctor mentioned you should lose some weight? People with eating disorders should rely on their doctors advice as their own thinking isn't always very healthy.

I haven't gained so much like that I'm obese but according to BMI I'm about 10 lbs over weight so I'd like to loose about 25lbs to just put me in the middle of normal which shouldn't be too hard Ive dropped 40 in less time..I think most people who finally re feed tend to over gain but I've learned my lesson, I used to be pretty bad but how he loves me made me realize that how I see myself and body has nothing to do with how he sees me or his love. Plus he likes that I'm no longer flat chested so I wanna try and not loose all my boobs haha.

The friend thing wasnt on purpose, if just keep putting things off until later (I work full time too, so it was like balancing work with him and friends just seemed so stressful)

I think I have some ideas for ways of getting friends lol its just annoying cuz I can be shy lol.

 

[morpher001]

My bf and I met online 2 years ago, the he moved in with me, and we've been living together almost 2 years. His father passed so he had to go out of town, first time I've been alone here ever.

I've been going crazy and sad (because he had to fly back home) and its like impossible to get a hold of him. He never wants to talk (when he left he promised to talk 4 hours every day).

He always says he loves me very much and I know this. He was supposed to be gone 2 weeks but because of stuff in the will hell be gone 3 months. Then yesterday he admitted he said it sounded bad and not to get hurt but he just now started missing me and hadnt hadn't really missed me at all the first few weeks when I was missing him. It really hurts I thought we were closer than that. Then I tried to call him last night after work (I call him every night) and he didnt answer, and this morning he hasn't called yet and I know its around 11 his time so he must have seen my missed call. I only called once not to bug him.

Is it just me or should I be worried? I know he's going through tough stuff, but its hard when he said he hasn't been missing me and when he left we both were crying and now I can't get a hold of him.

Why three months, is he the executor of the will? Was his father wealthy with complex affairs? Three months seems a lot.

Perhaps give him some space, for a week or two, give him time to miss you and to tidy up the worst of the drama. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Are you able to fly over for a weekend visit at some stage?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

No offense OP, but you're sounding kind of selfish. I mean, his father just passed... he had to return to is family and mourn. You have no idea what he's going through and all the things he needs to do with his family. 4 hours a day? I mean, come on--that's waay excessive. He didn't miss you the first couple weeks because he was probably emotionally overwhelmed with all his family and friends mourning around him. The important thing is that he misses you now and that he loves you. I mean, quit being so insecure.

 

[Space__Kitten]

Nah I can't fly over, he wants me to and I think he thinks if he doesn't contact me ill just decided to fly there (he even said, ill make you miss me so much you'll decided to come see me) which isn't gonna happen, I work full time at a job that I had for 9 years but don't make enough to fly away aha...

And yeah his dad owns so many properties and some with back taxes, so he has to go to court over em.

I figure if he is staying away to make me miss him imma do the same. If I call and he doesn't answer then I call his bluff. He can't miss me if he knows I'm sad just sitting by the phone waiting lol. He didnt answer my call last night and we have this saying we always say before bed but we didnt get to and usually he calls in the morning but didnt, so I won't call him tonight either. I'm just gonna wait until he calls so I'm not obsessing and if he thinks ignoring me until I show up (he wishes we'd move down there and not up here) is effective, just stop calling until he's ready to try and make contact.

Yeah but we haven't talked on the phone for the last 3 days. I wouldn't care if we could just talk for 10 min. I send him kiks like "ily " and I see he reads but doesn't reply. Then he sent me pics of him at an amusement park. Sorry if I seem selfish but I just would like to say goodnight. I only try to call him once a day and he tells me he doesn't miss me. Idk I think Im not completely selfish for feeling a little hurt.

 

[llama112]

So how long have you been apart from him?
My boyfriend and I moved in together just over a year ago, so we see each other almost every day (there is the occasional day where he'll be at his parents all evening or something so I don't see him when I get home from work), but it has never been that much. Just about a month or so ago, he went on a work conference for a week I didn't miss him until like maybe five days had passed. He missed me after like two days lol. People miss each other on different terms.

As for meeting new people... what do you enjoy doing for fun? Meet people through mutual hobbies and interests.

Also yeah, can't you fly over there or something to visit him?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Yeah but we haven't talked on the phone for the last 3 days. I wouldn't care if we could just talk for 10 min. I send him kiks like "ily " and I see he reads but doesn't reply. Then he sent me pics of him at an amusement park. Sorry if I seem selfish but I just would like to say goodnight. I only try to call him once a day and he tells me he doesn't miss me. Idk I think Im not completely selfish for feeling a little hurt.

But you know that he lost his father, reunited with his family and friends (because he moved in with YOU, right?), and on top of that has to deal with back taxes/court, etc. You know that he's extremely busy and going through a lot right now. He didn't say it to hurt you but to just be honest. He just lost his father. He misses his father! He's too busy missing his father because he died so he didn't miss you the first 2 weeks. It's not really a big deal. I think you need to be more sympathetic to his situation.

Text messages are good. I'm sure they make him smile. Like I said, maybe you should just give him some space. Def. don't call him more than once a day. If you want to tell him goodnight, then tell him! Maybe via text will be more effective since he doesn't answer his phone. It's okay to miss him but you need to be more understanding of his situation. Give it another week or so--he'll start calling/answering/texting you more. He's just overwhelmed right now.

 

[Space__Kitten]

Yeah I guess..reading this stuff actually helps..I'm just like so not used to it. I think I focus on it more when I'm just sitting in my apartment, so I have plans for my day off so I'm trying to keep busy.

Oh and it's been about 2 & half weeks I was missing him the first night haha. no I can't fly out there because of work & money.

 

[Comrade Kane]

I want to reassure you that the many things you've said as factors on this situation all seem within a certain normal range and rather than me go through each of them I just say it seems that based on what you've said here there is nothing to worry about.

You may be seeing things as a concern that are not a concern. At least the things you have said are not a concern in of themselves. If things are worse than this or not or if you have specific concerns you haven't said so I cannot judge.

Do your own thing for a bit and let him come to you and if he don't after a few days then escalate from there.

 

[Space__Kitten]

Yeah I just know the first two nights I got texts "omg I miss you so much I can't sleep without you here" and then after that they stopped.

I do trust him and love him. I mostly wanted to post on here for support and to confirm this is probably normal, help me from freaking out.

To be honest what freaked me out was after I added his brothers wife (who he's staying with) on facebook and she kept posting pics that were like "if you're horney hit like" and another was of lips with white stuff on them (like the got milk) and it was like "got cock?" And posted this pic of a naked girl on some guy riding him lol. I trust my man but this chick is 20 years younger than her hubby has 3 children and is posting that on Facebook lol. I guess it freaked me out what kinda people he's staying with (not to judge but I guess I have my family added but I wouldn't want to post that) haha...I know its so irrational but he was staying with her all day while her husband was at work and now he's staying with his grandma so I'm like, ok that's more pleasant lol.

So when I'm alone at night in my apartment the "worst case scenario" of why he's not replying pops to my mind lol. But I know that's stupid. He's my longest relationship and now he's 2000+ miles away lol also I might be pregnant and were not sure yet. So I'm a little scared. I'm sure things are good though. He's a good man and I know he'd never cheat and Im his longest relationship now too as of recently, plus I have his moms ring up here and were engaged. Ill just be patient and you helped. tyz

Ok so she posted a pic of her and him at the bar with special drinks on her Facebook. I'm sure other people are there, but I'm like he won't call me but he's at bars. Idk I called once today no reply I might go out myself. :/

 

[footscrazy]

I think this is a hard one. I agree with those that have said he's got so much going on, that he may just be overwhelmed. People react in many different ways to stress and grief - some people will lean on their partner for support, but others choose to deal with it in different ways. I think sometimes it's hard for someone of the first type to understand a person who draws away from their partner, or who doesn't seem to need any extra support when they're going through something hard. It's easy to take it personally. But like others have said, I don't think your situation is at the point where you need to worry.

I don't think 'calling his bluff' and trying to make him miss you is a good thing to do. I don't think it will help you stop obsessing about this - in fact, I actually think it will keep you stuck in your worries and concerns. If you are committed to this relationhip and believe in it, I think this is your time to stand up and be the strong person in it - accept that he's not behaving in the way that you'd like, but recognise he's going through some hard shit, and decide to stand by him and support him until he's worked through his stress and grief. Neither of you needs more stress and games added on to the current situation. That could mean not calling him every night, but do it because you think that's the best option for his and your happiness, not to try and manipulate him into missing you. If you think he'd appreciate a text at night- do it - but do it for him, not because you expect a text back. I know it's easier said than done.

I think using this time to develop your own individual life is a positive idea. You've got an opportunity to focus on yourself, so make the most of it. I've heard a lot of positve reviews about meetup.com. It's not a dating site - it's a place to find friends. They have all sorts of groups all over the place - have a look through them. I've found lots that look really interesting. I hope everything works out for you. I know it can be easy to tell yourself there's nothing to worry about, but it's a lot harder to actually feel that sometimes. I do think you have an opportunity here to actually make your relationship much stronger. All the best.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

He's probably depressed and just want to drink himself silly. That's usually what people do when they lose a loved one. And if he's at a bar--he's with family and friends--not random girls that he's going to bang. If his brother trusts him with his wife--you should trust him. They are family, you know? Don't be so paranoid. I think you do need to go out and have your fun too.

 

[79skmp]

No offense OP, but you're sounding kind of selfish. I mean, his father just passed... he had to return to is family and mourn. You have no idea what he's going through and all the things he needs to do with his family. 4 hours a day? I mean, come on--that's waay excessive. He didn't miss you the first couple weeks because he was probably emotionally overwhelmed with all his family and friends mourning around him. The important thing is that he misses you now and that he loves you. I mean, quit being so insecure.

I gotta agree with this one. 4 hours a day? Holy crap! I don't even talk to myself that much in a day...let alone to another person :D Take it easy, girlfriend. You need to be extra supportive right now. If you're not, he'll resent you forever (regardless if the relationship stays or ends). Give him some space. I know it's hard...I know you're trippin'....but find a hobby for the next week or so. If he's still being like this after a week...then I'd worry. He may not talk to you for 4 hours every day...but he will make some effort. Also, he couldn't have LITERALLY meant 4 hours per day. He just couldn't have. He probably just meant that he'll talk to you a lot.

 

[Space__Kitten]

Nah I didn't really expect him to call me 4 hours a day...but when he tells me that but then leaves and instead disappears for 3 days unable to get a hold of him and only knowing whats going on with him by reading his sister in laws facebook I'm like uhh? lol

Anyway I found out I'm pregnant and got the official thing from the health department. Like talk about timing lol we've been trying for a year and I end up preggo right before he leaves town lol.

I guess I'm 6 weeks along. I stopped posting here because we're doing better. He knew he effed up when he saw I saw the pic on Facebook. He said he didn't get a hold of me because his phone wasnt on him. I asked why he didnt use his brothers phone to let me know, and he asked "well why didnt you just call my brother and asked for me if you wanted to talk?" Lmao because who the eff calls their bfs bro to talk to their bf that sounds lame xD lol. But I asked "if I disappeared for 2 days and you couldn't get a hold of you and then you saw pics of me on fb having drinks how would you feel" he was like "I'd be furious with you not gonna lie" lmao point proven. He apologized lol, he said he was kinda scared to talk to me after it had been 2 days because he knew I would be mad and why he chose not to call lol.

I also realized he's just like me. I went to a friends the morning after I found out I was preggo, came back to my phone to 8 missed calls. Convo went like this lol

He wanted to know why I was ignoring him at Amandas lol I was like "phone in purse on vibrate, at least it wasn't 2 days" he was like "my phone wasnt on me" me:"ok ill leave phone at home next time" (haha I was just jking with him, we had been good for a while but he can't get mad if he can't get a hold of me for 5 hours lol)

I think we're just both so used to being able to get a hold of the other person so when either of us are in the position not able to we freak.

But we're doing good now. We're both going through a lot I just hope he's home soon so he can go to the doctor with me, if not hell be here through the rest I know. He'll be a good dad.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

I'm glad you guys worked things out with good ole conversation. Congrats btw! Just remember to be patient. Suffering a close family loss is always hard and the effects are unpredictable.