TDS My addictive personality is in charge of me

[ThaDudeAbides]

Okay, hoping this is the proper section of the website to post my story. I've been reflecting A LOT about this issue in the past year but haven't made any real improvements.

Since I was 14 I have been getting high on various substances. I started with weed and that was and still is my DOC and what I consider my lifeline. I've had two DR's agree that THC is good for me and without it I'm a different person. They have prescribed Marinol in times when I was unable to get green. I'll never blame weed for addiction to drugs. I had alcohol and vics before I tried weed. I will admit there is a mental addiction to it however.

From there I started to deal. Dealing in itself became a high, a rush. I simply LOVED supplying people with shit that made them happy. It started with just green, but once I got out of HSchool I expanded my selection. I had real LSD, Shrooms, Weed, Molly, Pills, Coke for sale and sales were booming! The only thing I didn't sell was dope as I kept it all for myself. I had a bad freebase problem for months and used opiates to ween me off (stupid move I know). So I was basically living the life of a Rockstar without the fame and had anything I wanted at my grips 24/7/365. This was my full time job.

I finally hit rock bottom with the dope and called my Mom and telling her the whole story and why I've been MIA for years (I traveled on Phish tour) and kept a house back home but usually blocked my Mom's calls. Well, she helped get me into sub treatment. I was on subs for about 3-4 years and have been off them for 2.

Fast forward 6 months and I got a real job using the computer skills I learned growing up. I'm still employed today thankfully. But now that I'm off the street I've realized how fucking easy it is to get quality chems from the internet. I order pills monthly that I don't need but want. TBH I think I'm addicted to the act of popping pills.

Forgive me if this isn't a best written as can be. Last year I went to the ICU once and the ER once. Both for blackouts. One a MXE blackout, the other a 3-MeO-PCP blackout. At the time I had about 150grams of MXE left and other RC's. For my Mom's piece of mind I had her come to my house and watch me dump ALL my chemicals. I also gave her all my Etizolam strips to destroy. Since then I have contintued to order Etizolam and other benzos/rc's/opi's. I also have a drinking problem I can't kick. I'm thinking of getting the shot that makes you sick if you drink. I will talk to my care taker about that soon.

I'm also prescribed 3mg Kpin, 2mg Xan and 3x350mg Soma daily...ON top of anything else I add to the mix. I realize the path I'm on is not a good one. My issue is, how the fuck does once get sober in this day of age? I'm without a car thanks to my previous fuckups so I have two bars I can walk to, local ppl I can call and tons of online sources.

I spend 40% of my income on drugs, maybe more since I pay high prices for herb. I have a home, bills and dogs to feed. So far I've been making enough to make it all work out. But I know this is not the life I should continue. I know you have to WANT to change in order to change. I'm 50/50 atm. My work involves IT work and reading TECH and INFOSEC news all day long which makes me visit sites that trigger my love to get high.

I know I'm not alone. I just don't enjoy being sober. I also have mad anxiety/social issues so I tend to spend weekends as a hermit getting blitzed outta my mind. I got kicked out of my bar last week and have since only have 10 beers. I drank 4 last night and couldn't finish it. I'm TRYING to start yet again a dry run of the booze. I feel it's making getting high off THC and blends harder.

This goes beyond changing who I hang out with. This is full on I need to stay away from drug sites but I simply can't. Besides addiction, I like to try new things.

I'm in the process of finding professional to talk to who I will allow me to keep my med records private. I don't want my drugs taken away, but I need to talk to a a professional about this and why I mentally feel the need to do drugs daily.

endRANT.

 

[dopemegently]

Hi there, ThaDudeAbides (seriously cool name btw!) I know it can feel hopeless at times and I really understand that, but you don't want to get to thinking that way; you have the power to change. You said you want to talk to a professional, and I take that to be a really good sign, it means you're thinking about this issue; you know it's having a negative impact on your life, and you know it would be better to change. That's an important first step to take. Remember, change can be a very gradual thing; nobody's saying you have to quit overnight. Have you looked into suboxone replacement therapy btw?

 

[ThaDudeAbides]

Hi there, ThaDudeAbides (seriously cool name btw!) I know it can feel hopeless at times and I really understand that, but you don't want to get to thinking that way; you have the power to change. You said you want to talk to a professional, and I take that to be a really good sign, it means you're thinking about this issue; you know it's having a negative impact on your life, and you know it would be better to change. That's an important first step to take. Remember, change can be a very gradual thing; nobody's saying you have to quit overnight. Have you looked into suboxone replacement therapy btw?

Thanks for the reply. I do plan to seek out a professional I can talk to. I've already been through suboxone treatment and don't need it. I'm not physically addicted to opiates ATM as I can't afford my old habit (which is good). So I've only been using some mild opiates time to time over the past few months. My benzo use is my main issue next to alcohol. Besides my prescriptions I order lots of pills overseas and various RC benzos. I know I'm addicted to the act of popping pills in itself. I don't feel the ability to stop or slow down. BUT I am going to seek professional help once I figure out who my insurance will cover. I was on therapy before, but it wasn't covered by my insurance and the DR just wanted to hand out anti-d's and they made feel like a zombie. I've taken a lot of chemicals in my life and nothing made me feel more stupid then the combo of anti-d's he had me on. In the end we had a fight over my use of psychedelics. He said I wasn't stable. I told him to fuck off, walked out, demanded all my paperwork back (I actually got it!) and left. That situation fucked my head up. What kind of DR let's a troubled/unstable patient just storm out and not try to stop them? I could have came back with a gun and gone postal. He didn't know my mental state. For the record I'd never do such a thing. But that was 3 years ago and it still irks me. But I will stick with my word and at least take this first step in possible recovery by finding someone I can talk to.

 

[dopemegently]

Yeah I perfectly understand the compulsion to just take something for the act of taking it. For example, I recently brought a stockpile of phenibut and etiz among others to help me in a future detox. Well, that was the plan anyway...It's almost like I went into autopilot and started taking them. It doesn't help that these RC's are so damn easy to obtain, too. I've also had issues with alcohol in the past, like you, so we should talk thru pm. If you did need somebody to talk to bl is great for meeting like-minded people.

 

[Rox]

same here, I feel like roxy and I are lovers. sometimes she brakes up with me and leaves, causing me to cry and sweat, sometimes she is too expensive for me, and I have to buy her diamond rings, all the while I am trying to ask her to come back to me, I am thinking that all the hell she puts me through is worth her love. What else would I think? She is the only thing in the world besides evil money that has loved me.

 

[ThaDudeAbides]

Well I thought I'd give an update. On Thursday I got 100x2mg kpins. Today is Sunday and I'm about 4 pills away from having that box done. I have also taken 10mg of xannies over the weekend too. On top of this I finished a jar of moonshine and about a 12 pack.

THIS HAS TO END!!! Tomorrow I'm going to start taking 1mg of kpin in the morning and my 1x2mg xanny at night and try to see how I feel as the week progresses. I plan to drink lots of liquids and try to detox the best I can. I'm also taking a break from my 1050mg a day soma habit as well. I will still have my regular dosage available if I feel I need it, but I think I can kick this or at least get back to a more normal benzo use. Hopefully ONLY when I need them and not just because I have them.

NOW, I do have 200mg of Etizolam coming, but I gotta admit that doesn't have the grasp of daily use the other benzos do. I will admit I take large doses of it to achieve the desired effects of it. The good thing is I've realized I can't financially afford my habits:

Booze
ANY benzo from the net
Opiates time to time
MXE
Weed
Ketamine

Weed is my DOC and MXE has given me very positive results when I don't have 150g a reach away. I just got more MXE (small amount) and I think that may help any WD/cravings.

Keep you posted on how this week goes.

same here, I feel like roxy and I are lovers. sometimes she brakes up with me and leaves, causing me to cry and sweat, sometimes she is too expensive for me, and I have to buy her diamond rings, all the while I am trying to ask her to come back to me, I am thinking that all the hell she puts me through is worth her love. What else would I think? She is the only thing in the world besides evil money that has loved me.

Oh don't even get me started on Roxi's. Those were my FAV! I thought it was so much better than OC's. Went great with fent lollies. I know what you mean. That bitch is hot; hard to turn her down. I'm glad I'm broke because I almost ordered some this week like a moron lol. "Great way to quit benzos!, Switch to opiates!". I did that with freebase and well...I lost.

The bitch always wins.

 

[Rox]

Moonshine and a then a 12 pack, wow, they say beer before liquor the more you're sicker so I guess that is right but drinking to get drunk in my opinion is only good for the giant legalized social effect is has, so getting drunk is the best around parties for lowering inhibitions but I couldn't deal with being hungover so one can still drink less to relax and open consciousness.

My advice for quitting downers and muscle relaxers is just think of the neurochemistry and functionality of those, it is really not fulfilling but emptying, the neurotransmitter that brings motivation and well being is dopamine which is based naturally on a systematic reward type of psychology. Of course I would recommend to start producing natural endorphins (morphine receptor chemicals) by exercising and serotonin (thinking calm and clearly) by eating proteins and potassium... Everything produces different neurotransmitter chemicals that activate in different ways catering to the personality (based on what they have perceived and remembered probably as much as genetics), which leads us to inquire of what is taking place. Relaxing ourselves is much different and should be driven from being more active.

 

[mrflowers00]

roxis are my fav and i get them scripted so i'm in a hard position stop them and feel hella pain or stay on them and deal with wds from running out too early

 

[ThaDudeAbides]

Day 1: I woke up today feeling rather great. Afterall I had consumed 200mg of Klonopin within 4 days. Today I am trying to cut back/taper my drug use. Instead of 3mg of Klonopin a day I'm now taking 1mg in the morning. I am also prescribed 350mg of Soma three times a day. I took 700mg today and refuse to take anymore within the next 24hours. I've also had two cups of good coffee that has elevated my mood and made the work day a breeze so far. I do realize even before I took that 1mg of Klonopin that it's still in my system due to it's half life. I didn't think stopping all together was a wise move. If all goes well I will have only taken 7mg of Klonopin by next Monday! That's a huge improvement if it all goes well.

I am also prescribed 2mg of Xanax a day. I honestly use it for sleep as I get no recreational effects and it makes me groggy at work. I have MXE arriving today I plan to partake in and I'll take 1mg of Xanax around midnight tonight so I wake up ready for work tomorrow.

Day 2: Woke up with a black eye and bruised ribs. Took a bit too much MXE. At 3am I took 1mg Kpin, smoked some weed and went to sleep. I am currently at work. I still plan on MXE afterwork, but will be cautious. Not sure what happened TBH. All I know is the cops were not involved and I woke up at home...NOT the ER.

So far no WD symptoms from my reduced benzo use.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

Oh fuck this thread triggered the fuck out of me...

Why did I read why? I can't rewind time!!!

Well good luck op, I can't stay too long in this thread as it makes me want to use pills badly, like hit up my doctor or something.

 

[dopemegently]

Haha bl also triggers the hell out of me sometimes, especialy when the Americans talk about their "oxy's"!

ThaDudeAbides, great to hear you're not getting any withdrawal symptoms; keep it up, mate. As for myself, I've been dabbling too much with etiz, pyraz, and phenibut. I try to cycle, but I have poor control, so tomorrow, I won't take anything but the stuff I've been prescribed. I'm not anticipating WD's, but I'm the sort of person who finds it very hard to leave stuff alone if I have it.

 

[rave_itsrealfun!!!]

Man TDA you sound pretty chill. I hope it works out for you. I guess I think this way (usually very introverted) because my drug of choice is also weed, so maybe we are on the same wavelength to a certain extent. I used to take other shit until I fucked myself up too much, now I am left with an intense cannabis dependency since I don't really want to be taking drugs anymore, getting high just doesn't make sense like it used to, but weed is the only thing I ever developed an addiction to.

Man I don't know about you, but I am a completely different guy without weed in my system. I am a hardcore, longterm habitual user of the bomb sativa and indica. My personality becomes way more intense, less chill when I haven't smoked weed for a few hours, and it is pretty tough to deal with because when I am going through cannabis withdrawal I will say and do things which I later on regret. I also get debilatating physical withdrawals but that only lasts a few days, the main issue is that I have learned to live my live in an alternate drug influenced personality. However, since cannabis reduces my capacity to concentrate and remember things, there has always been a nagging voice inside egging me on to quit. I know that in order to reach my full potential, I totally need to be sober, even though I get by best in the short term when I'm baked all day. But you only get one life and I want to make it count.

I personally think that you should work on getting rid of your cannabis dependency, because it is possible that it is at the root of your problems. I definitely know that under the circumstances of myself, smoking weed encourages the abuse of other, more dangerous drugs, and during times when I am able to beat the weed withdrawal to an extent, then I don't really have too many issues left over. As a long term stoner, it is easy to forget about who you were before you ever smoked weed. Believe me, there are some serious differences between someone who is using weed morning til night, and someone who will never touch the stuff. And in the case of myself, smoking weed has been the instigator of various mental problems such as mild schizophrenia and depression.

edit - Seriously man just quit with the fucking THC. After a year the difference will be night and day. You have no valid medical reason to use it. You clearly are someone who got addicted to the recreational drug they were selling and started calling it medicine to be able to live in denial. Quitting a weed habit like that is hell on earth for a while. The reason it feels like medicine, is because you have a super high tolerance to weed from abusing it your whole life. It sounds like you have been overdosing your system with THC for way too long. When you first started smoking weed, you probably didn't need it for anything back then. You got heavy into drugs and became a slave to the herb just like me, and it has resulted in personality changes and long term withdrawal symptoms to the point that you can't even be comfortable in your old shoes. It is frankly irresponsible of doctors to be prescribing addicts their fix. You definitely should try to quit. Man, I love weed, but it has probably fucked your life just like it has fucked mine. I know it is hard to admit when something you love and seems so harmless will turn on you and ruin your mental health. And I know that the stoner version of yourself is going to read this and call bullshit. You'll come up with multiple excuses as to why pot is awesome and it's good for you. I do the same. But I am trying to get through to the individual inside that you used to be, before you ever smoked that trash. Because I know there's someone else behind the scenes, that has lost control to this stupid weed, and you are so hooked that I bet you would defend 420 til your dying day. I'm pretty much the same, but I haven't smoked weed in a couple of days so I am able to admit to this.

When people abuse weed hardcore for years the vast majority start getting anxiety and panic disorders. That's probably why you are on the other meds, to deal with the side effects of your pot habit, just so you can keep it up. Man, that might be why you like benzos so much.

 

[Maya]

Hi there, ThaDudeAbides (seriously cool name btw!) I know it can feel hopeless at times and I really understand that, but you don't want to get to thinking that way; you have the power to change. You said you want to talk to a professional, and I take that to be a really good sign, it means you're thinking about this issue; you know it's having a negative impact on your life, and you know it would be better to change. That's an important first step to take. Remember, change can be a very gradual thing; nobody's saying you have to quit overnight. Have you looked into suboxone replacement therapy btw?

This.. the will power needs to start from you. Most of us here on TDS came from a really dark place but with seeking help and professional help and advice we slowly improved. Like Dopemegently said the change does not happen overnight and you will hit some rocks in your journey but what is important is you are willing to do the change.

 

[00000]

Man TDA you sound pretty chill. I hope it works out for you. I guess I think this way (usually very introverted) because my drug of choice is also weed, so maybe we are on the same wavelength to a certain extent. I used to take other shit until I fucked myself up too much, now I am left with an intense cannabis dependency since I don't really want to be taking drugs anymore, getting high just doesn't make sense like it used to, but weed is the only thing I ever developed an addiction to.

Man I don't know about you, but I am a completely different guy without weed in my system. I am a hardcore, longterm habitual user of the bomb sativa and indica. My personality becomes way more intense, less chill when I haven't smoked weed for a few hours, and it is pretty tough to deal with because when I am going through cannabis withdrawal I will say and do things which I later on regret. I also get debilatating physical withdrawals but that only lasts a few days, the main issue is that I have learned to live my live in an alternate drug influenced personality. However, since cannabis reduces my capacity to concentrate and remember things, there has always been a nagging voice inside egging me on to quit. I know that in order to reach my full potential, I totally need to be sober, even though I get by best in the short term when I'm baked all day. But you only get one life and I want to make it count.

I personally think that you should work on getting rid of your cannabis dependency, because it is possible that it is at the root of your problems. I definitely know that under the circumstances of myself, smoking weed encourages the abuse of other, more dangerous drugs, and during times when I am able to beat the weed withdrawal to an extent, then I don't really have too many issues left over. As a long term stoner, it is easy to forget about who you were before you ever smoked weed. Believe me, there are some serious differences between someone who is using weed morning til night, and someone who will never touch the stuff. And in the case of myself, smoking weed has been the instigator of various mental problems such as mild schizophrenia and depression.

edit - Seriously man just quit with the fucking THC. After a year the difference will be night and day. You have no valid medical reason to use it. You clearly are someone who got addicted to the recreational drug they were selling and started calling it medicine to be able to live in denial. Quitting a weed habit like that is hell on earth for a while. The reason it feels like medicine, is because you have a super high tolerance to weed from abusing it your whole life. It sounds like you have been overdosing your system with THC for way too long. When you first started smoking weed, you probably didn't need it for anything back then. You got heavy into drugs and became a slave to the herb just like me, and it has resulted in personality changes and long term withdrawal symptoms to the point that you can't even be comfortable in your old shoes. It is frankly irresponsible of doctors to be prescribing addicts their fix. You definitely should try to quit. Man, I love weed, but it has probably fucked your life just like it has fucked mine. I know it is hard to admit when something you love and seems so harmless will turn on you and ruin your mental health. And I know that the stoner version of yourself is going to read this and call bullshit. You'll come up with multiple excuses as to why pot is awesome and it's good for you. I do the same. But I am trying to get through to the individual inside that you used to be, before you ever smoked that trash. Because I know there's someone else behind the scenes, that has lost control to this stupid weed, and you are so hooked that I bet you would defend 420 til your dying day. I'm pretty much the same, but I haven't smoked weed in a couple of days so I am able to admit to this.

When people abuse weed hardcore for years the vast majority start getting anxiety and panic disorders. That's probably why you are on the other meds, to deal with the side effects of your pot habit, just so you can keep it up. Man, that might be why you like benzos so much.

quoted for mother fucking truth!

 

[HarrytheHead]

Well I thought I'd give an update. On Thursday I got 100x2mg kpins. Today is Sunday and I'm about 4 pills away from having that box done. I have also taken 10mg of xannies over the weekend too. On top of this I finished a jar of moonshine and about a 12 pack.

THIS HAS TO END!!!

You're killing your body man. And you are doing it because you are trapped mentally and physically. You are shutting out your anxious thoughts by relying on something external to provide you happiness. But I commend you for recognizing your need to get better. That is a crucial first step which many people overlook and never get better. Seeking professional help coupled with your desire to improve is your ticket. You have silenced a voice inside you for so long, and you are finally listening. And it will only get louder the longer you ignore it. Sit and really listen to that voice that wants the best life for you. You deserve it and its matter of teaching yourself that. Go for it!

 

[ThaDudeAbides]

I can never give up weed as I truly love it. Dealing allowed me access to other drugs and that's where the trouble started. I had anything a call away and was a big time dealer when I finally hit my 2 or 3 rock bottom with dope. I haven't done H in 6 years. I'll admit I still want some Roxi's but know better. I also decided to quit booze for awhile as that just makes eat pills needlessly and I wake up bruised sometimes bloody and have no idea what happened.

I do plan a month off weed as even my high grade cali shit doesn't get me high and it should.

I took 10mg of Etiz today to calm my nerves and I think was starting WD. Past three nights I woke up in sweat. However I can sleep. No restless leg syndrome or shit.

I also think MXE/Ketamine needs to be put on the shelf or just taken outta of any future plans. Planning future highs is just stupid thinking.

I can tell I'm hurting myself. I want to change. I already have my benzos boxed up to hand over to a more responsible person than me.

Thanks for all the support folks. I so much appreciate the fact I can come here and talk about something so serious and people get it. My RL friends don't.

 

[bigsean223]

I just want my rug man.lol im just reading this now and it’s a few years later I hope all is good with you the dude abides I have been in a similar rut I can’t seem to get out of but at the same time. Almost don’t want to get out of it cu me and my Xbox are comfortable with the Roxie and weed lol But I’m working on it