My addiction story

[Mia.Carlson66]

Hi im a 24 year old female. My opiate addiction started at 20. I had my first opiate oill at 18 and was in love with the high. At that time 7mg was amazing. I didnt start my addiction till 20 though when i had the money to buy them and knew ppl who had them. Then found out i have degenerative disc disease and got prescribed perc 10s. Now oxy 15s. I was taking 50-90mg a day a year ago. Now i dont even think i have a limit and can barely get high but i crave it so bad it controls me and i run out of my prescription within 6 days which is suppose to last me 30. I use to have the money to buy them wheb i ran out but my life has went down hill extremely and ive lost almost everything. I dont have any money anymore and i have sold most of my stuff or pawned it. My husband has left me 4 times and came back because i know he loves me but this has turned me into a monster. If i dont have any i get so sick and its almost unbearable. I use to be an amazing person. So motivated and determined, i was in college and was in my last semester and withdrew because i couldnt concentrate anymore, all i could think about was i need to get a pill to either feel better or get high. Regardless of how unhappy i am, i still feel the need to take them even when i really dont and if i have a lot i dont linit myself at all. I cant for some reason its like in unable to control myself. I keep thinking what is wrong with me? Why do i keep doing this to myself? Keeping myself in this viscious circle. When i dont have any i feel like im missing something and im so irriatable and depressed and severely bored. Nothing matters anymore almist but getting pills and taking them. Ive even tried to shoot up once recently and i am not a person to do something like that. Im a truely good hearted person and these pills have made me a bad person. I think its messing with my mental state. Im so stressed and always on edge even if i have them. How do i stop? Im so scared. Ive been so sick of all this for so long and i feel like a lost cause now.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You are not a bad person.

You are a good person, deep down inside, and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Because you're struggling right now it may be hard to see the inherent goodness in yourself.

But you can chance. In fact, you will chance. With the right attitude, and hard work, you'll change for the better.

Sorry I don't have much else to say right now, I just really want to highlight that, even if you've made mistakes, you aren't your mistakes.

You are a good person

EDIT: but on a practical level, you should try and find yourself an addiction counselor, a therapist, a psychiatrist specializing in opioid addiction (and ideally who could provide you with Suboxone/Subutex), just as long as you get alone with them, feel comfortable with them, and feel safe with them.

It really sounds like you need some professional help. Is treatment in a facility out of the question? A professional detox would definitely do you good, because it sounds like you're having a hard time detoxing on your own. You seem like a really good candidate for an intensive outpatient or partial hospitalization program (IOP/PHP) that specialize in opioid addiction and can provide you with Suboxone/Subutex.

In any case, keep you head up. As long as you keep moving and don't give up, you'll get where you want to be - even if you don't know where you actually want to be ATM. With hard work and determination though, you'll get there.

 

[Stargazer]

Hi Mia first, want to send you a hug-I hear my story in yours...at least how mine began. Chronic pain opened the door for eventual IV heroin use...and I am "not a person that is like that" either. Not the image most of us are inclined to visualize of any IV drug user or an addict actually. I grew up in a middle class suburban neighborhood, etc., am out-going, friendly, for the most part fairly intelligent... With addiction- never becomes always-in regard to what we'll do in and for addiction.

Never was heroin, let alone shooting up even a thought or in the realm of possibility to me. Had someone told me, it would be part of my story, I wouldn't have believed them. I smoked weed, did meth for about a year-snorted it-and kept using it to the weekends. I experimented with drugs... I kept my life together, still went to school, still worked, etc. I did not look like someone that was an addict or shot up. Or act like one...when I say these statements, I mean that I didn't fit the images we see or are told of, of what a drug addict looks like/acts like. Even when I told people I shot heroin, they were shocked. I am elaborating on all of this, to make the point that there is no type in reality. The criteria is wanting to use/get high. That's it. It doesn't mean you are some street urchin because you struggle with addiction.

As I said, chronic pain led to my eventual use of IV heroin- (and ending up in jail, blowing all of my money) I was prescribed OxyContin and told by my Dr. at the time, it was "a non-addictive, long-acting pain medication that had a much lesser chance of leading to dependence that taking 5mg of Percocet and other short-acting meds did". That is the honest to God's truth lol. Anyone reading this knows how insane that is. I knew nothing about narcotics at that time obviously. So, I took them. Famous last words.

Then, I realized, not only did I need them....I liked them. No, I loved them. I had never felt so good in my entire life. They also helped with my anxiety/panic disorder. I no longer was having anxiety and panic attacks either. I thought I had found the cure to everything. At first. Until you start running out of them. I didn't even realize I was in withdrawal...I thought I had the flu.

Very long story short-eventually, it ended up with using IV heroin. Every single thing you have said, I understand. You feel horrible if you're not high. It's unbearable. You think how can I ever go back to living without these. That is because there's more than likely other emotional or mental issues that need to be addressed. Once they are, you'll see things more clearly. It's not because you are a bad person....it's because you are a good person that has things that are not known, and haven't been treated yet. I am glossing over things-a lot of things- trying to give you a quick overview.

You are young, and it's beyond great that you can have these things taken care of so you can go on to live an amazing life. PM me if you want to anytime. Mia, you can get better-better than ever. That I can guarantee, if you get help. Like toothpastedog ^^ mentioned, treatment. In-patient if possible. Or intensive outpatient, and talking to a mental health professional also. When I say "talk", mean not only sharing your story about drug-use, but also what the things are that using helps with. Then its will be possible to figure out and treat what the real problem is.

With all that being said, it's still not always easy...addiction is a force to be reckoned with. I am in a better place mentally and emotionally than I've ever been...but I still go thru times of cravings. That is where support comes in. And its very important to have a support system in place, and a plan for what you'll do when cravings happen.

One step at a time. For now, look into treatment if you can, and go from there. I wish you the very best.

 

[gmlifer]

You are young and have much life left to live and much left to give to this world. From what you are saying the time is right for you to check in to rehab. At least think about it.

 

[Stargazer]

Mia, I wanted to clarify what I said about talking to a mental health professional. There were typos that I didn't notice. When you talk to one-tell them more than just you want to get high and have cravings. etc

Explain how you feel when you're not high...without the Band-Aid of drugs. Like you're always anxious or depressed-whatever it is. I was put on Neurontin and it was life-changing. It helps with anxiety and panic attacks for me. I have never known what it was like to live without feeling that way. My outlook is so much better....this is a complete turn-around for me. In turn, it has led to a much better way of life...and the ability to think more rationally. It's not some magic pill that makes me euphoric. I still feel my feelings-but they're no longer over-shadowed by high anxiety and panic attacks.

I hope that helps a little.

 

[manboychef]

Mia. You just did the hardest part of recovery: Admitting you have a problem, and wanting to do something about it.

It took me years to get to that point. It is all about self honesty, and I deluded myself constantly. I kept saying that I could control it, when in reality it was controlling me.

The first step I would take would be going to a detox center. This will help you through withdrawal in an environment that will help you feel comfortable. This will also give you a chance to talk to some people (medical professionals) on what will work best for you. Most addicts have co-occurring mental health problems that they have been self medicating. Understanding why you get so much relief from opiates is an integral part of recovery.

For me I had been trying to get sober for four years. I tried everying, Short detoxes, suboxone taper, suboxone therapy, methadone therapy, thirty day rehabs, AA/NA, I tried the church thing...but what worked for me is going to a seven day detox followed by two months of non 12step based rehab that focused on CBT and group therapy. In order to stay sober after that I needed to take medications in order to help my OCD, panic disorder, and major depressive disorder. I also attend therapy regularly. They key part of my recovery is that I really want it. I was so fed up with my lifestyle. When I was younger I never would have thought I would become an IV using heroin addict that stole and slept with old women to support my habit. This is not a moral failing but a mental health problem. Don't get yourself down that you are dependent/addicted to opiates. It happens to a lot of people.

To recap: Your first step should be to try to get into a detox. They will help you either get on suboxone or methadone if that is your approach, or can link you to services like residential treatment programs or intensive out patient. Just remember that failure is only if you stop trying, and if you end up using just dust yourself off and keep trying.

I am in your corner. PM if you need some support.