cj
Bluelight Crew
Sexual abuse trigger warning and I am told its heavy 
I have had a rough last 7 years with off and on opiate addiction shifting from smack to subs and back until I got really strung out 6 months ago and jumped on methadone. Great decision I have had maybe as many as 5 one time uses after I got over 70mg. I am now at a stable dose of 130mg and very happy with it. Zero cravings no constipation to speak of gained 30 pounds feel good. My other drug use involves mostly weed and occasional Xanax.
Ok so 4 weeks ago I made the fateful decision to address my long standing childhood sexual trauma. I picked a therapist and she employed a psychologist normal set up in my area. So I opened pandoras box four Fridays ago. I went at it hard too I was totally honest and really talked about the real shit. I wanted to figure out why 6 through 11 year old Drew didn't tell his parents or teacher or anyone! So I tried to figure it out and I think I came up with several distinct answers by time period. 6-7 didn't know wtf was going on and just wanted to play Nintendo while being fondled through his clothes. 8-9 year old Drew was confused but knew it wasn't right but decided it felt kind of good and I Kyle was my friend. 10-11 Drew knew this was fucked up and didn't like a bit but was terrified of getting in trouble for not telling earlier but also kind of liked it too. So that took like a session give or take to talk through to my satisfaction that it was dead enough to work through on my time.
Session 2-3 was about identifying the adults who should have protected Drew from this asshole or seen that something was amiss in Drew. This was complicated as I only have my recollection and the therapist talked through the job and maybe reality of various people except my parents who I know. I think the blame lies with my parents frankly. I was a latchkey kid from 1st grade on. We lived on a cold-sac small town knew all the neighbors should have been a bomb early childhood. I don't really remember my age in relation to this one. My mom and father started fighting around when I was 7 or 8 according to each of them. Father stayed out and was possibly sleeping around Mom worked a lot for low pay. See this is where speculation came in and she stopped me and said it doesn't matter why to 8 year old drew. "Too true" So they are fighting on the broke down car in the driveway I can hear them in my room and it upsets me. Happened a lot I think. So at school I begin to not have friends.
Then by 4th grade I was bullied "Booger Picker''. My fourth grade teacher tried to figure it out but I wasn't a behavior problem I was just sad or quiet whatever it was called. So at some point between 2nd and 3rd grade the abuse is intensified everyday after school he is there. Pants came off he sucked my dick then would rub his cock on my butt until he jazzed. I have random memories of playing video games to see how many dukes or suck sucks he would get then he would make me pick between the 2. So this went on for 3 uninterrupted years pretty much. So yeah where the fuck where the adults? I still don't really understand it but I do feel we had created the timeline now. The progression was like 6-pants on 7-pants on butt humping pants come off at some point.
8-11 full on molestation and I began puberty at 8-9. My first time to masterbate was me laying on him while he jacked my tiny penis off as absolutely went ape shit with pleasure. So from that point on was when the real bad damage was inflicted.
So for the 3-4 session we focused on ages 8-11. I began to suffer performance failures in school. I began eating dinner by myself in my room with the tv. I began having deviant dreams of being a criminal. So by 5th grade things where at a boiling point at home. Father moved out to 45 min away and mom worked more to support us. So Little me spent more time with Kyle the molester. And well the scenarios started to develop, being tied to the bedpost once, in one memory I am getting fucked from behind while he looks at porn over my shoulder. So my 5th grade teacher was a veteran she knew I was being abused or at least suspected it but either didn't know the where when how or didn't really care to find out. Mom and Father blamed there relationship problems on my deteriorating grades and finally poor behavior at school. See there was no problem as far as the school was concerned until I was causing trouble. So I got a parent teacher intervention. Well whats wrong with you Drew? "Do I tell them? No they will be infuriated I didn't tell them sooner and by this time the concept of sexuality has developed in my mind and just like that the biggest secret of my life was formed. So at school the bullying was blamed and everyone seemed sure that was the problem. But why was a fit athletic kid bullied anyway? No one asked. So at the absolute latest by my 11th birthday I was fully victimized. Picked on at school, fucked by a dude after school, then ate dinner by myself and did it over again for at least a school year. I have come to understand that 4th and 5th grade was hell on fucking earth for me. I can remember this bully picking on me and I wanted to knock his teeth out so bad this burning fucking anger that I learned to release in time. I just wasn't angry enough yet to blow. But I got there later
Aftermath
That's where we stopped in therapy last Friday. I was done emotionally. Between therapy sessions 1 and two I had minor problems a sleep disturbance, bad mood, drug cravings. But it seemed manageable so no action was taken. But by the time I got to my car after the second session I was in real emotional pain. I was called in gabapentin and prescription bendryl but I began eating Xanax as well like 3mg over 5 days I would say mostly at night. At the third appointment she gave me the option to continue or talk about dealing with current emotions. I said the way through is out lets continue. Bad call on my part but I got through the session and I was ok that weekend. Was fucked up bad by Monday though and wanted a dose increase at the clinic denied due to failed drug screens for pot and benzos. Fucking A I was beyond pissed yelling match ensued between me and counselor after I told the doc to go fuck a cow. So I acquired money about 3 bags of dope no effect due to methadone blockade effect. Wednesday morning I talk to clinic he calls therapist she talks to the doctor and I am eventually called in Zoloft and more gabapentin and a drug to suppress dreams I threw out yesterday. So I wasn't happy with the "emergency" call in for a dude with 3 prior documented suicide attempts and a gaping wound in his psyche but really it was par for the course.
So at this point we are 3 hour long sessions into what I was advised would be a 5 session and go from there strategy. I was in deep at the clinic for 2 positive benzo fails in a row and given a 120 day evaluation period for treatment suitability. The first step to getting axed. So I stopped taking Xanax kept smoking herb taking gabapentin like they are going out of style. I was scared of Zoloft as for some reason SSRis scare me maybe intuition. So I went to the 4th appointment with intention of working on coping skills that consisted of yoga shit and the magical breathing exercises fuck me standing bro. So after 15 minutes I just started talking and I talked until she threw me out of her office pretty much. that was roughly 9 days ago. I really felt numb. But over this last week I have deteriorated again mutilated my arm began having negative outcome oriented thoughts. Bad Shit. So I started the Zoloft because I was desperate. I don't know when I became manic but it was slow then bam. And I have been that way until I began having serotonin syndrome last night and went to ER this morning.
So yeah if you read all that thank you. I guess I just want to commiserate for a bit then figure out wtf to do next. edit:Also don't be afraid to comment if I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't have posted it. I tried to go back and edit it to read better but its still choppy.
I have had a rough last 7 years with off and on opiate addiction shifting from smack to subs and back until I got really strung out 6 months ago and jumped on methadone. Great decision I have had maybe as many as 5 one time uses after I got over 70mg. I am now at a stable dose of 130mg and very happy with it. Zero cravings no constipation to speak of gained 30 pounds feel good. My other drug use involves mostly weed and occasional Xanax.
Ok so 4 weeks ago I made the fateful decision to address my long standing childhood sexual trauma. I picked a therapist and she employed a psychologist normal set up in my area. So I opened pandoras box four Fridays ago. I went at it hard too I was totally honest and really talked about the real shit. I wanted to figure out why 6 through 11 year old Drew didn't tell his parents or teacher or anyone! So I tried to figure it out and I think I came up with several distinct answers by time period. 6-7 didn't know wtf was going on and just wanted to play Nintendo while being fondled through his clothes. 8-9 year old Drew was confused but knew it wasn't right but decided it felt kind of good and I Kyle was my friend. 10-11 Drew knew this was fucked up and didn't like a bit but was terrified of getting in trouble for not telling earlier but also kind of liked it too. So that took like a session give or take to talk through to my satisfaction that it was dead enough to work through on my time.
Session 2-3 was about identifying the adults who should have protected Drew from this asshole or seen that something was amiss in Drew. This was complicated as I only have my recollection and the therapist talked through the job and maybe reality of various people except my parents who I know. I think the blame lies with my parents frankly. I was a latchkey kid from 1st grade on. We lived on a cold-sac small town knew all the neighbors should have been a bomb early childhood. I don't really remember my age in relation to this one. My mom and father started fighting around when I was 7 or 8 according to each of them. Father stayed out and was possibly sleeping around Mom worked a lot for low pay. See this is where speculation came in and she stopped me and said it doesn't matter why to 8 year old drew. "Too true" So they are fighting on the broke down car in the driveway I can hear them in my room and it upsets me. Happened a lot I think. So at school I begin to not have friends.
Then by 4th grade I was bullied "Booger Picker''. My fourth grade teacher tried to figure it out but I wasn't a behavior problem I was just sad or quiet whatever it was called. So at some point between 2nd and 3rd grade the abuse is intensified everyday after school he is there. Pants came off he sucked my dick then would rub his cock on my butt until he jazzed. I have random memories of playing video games to see how many dukes or suck sucks he would get then he would make me pick between the 2. So this went on for 3 uninterrupted years pretty much. So yeah where the fuck where the adults? I still don't really understand it but I do feel we had created the timeline now. The progression was like 6-pants on 7-pants on butt humping pants come off at some point.
8-11 full on molestation and I began puberty at 8-9. My first time to masterbate was me laying on him while he jacked my tiny penis off as absolutely went ape shit with pleasure. So from that point on was when the real bad damage was inflicted.
So for the 3-4 session we focused on ages 8-11. I began to suffer performance failures in school. I began eating dinner by myself in my room with the tv. I began having deviant dreams of being a criminal. So by 5th grade things where at a boiling point at home. Father moved out to 45 min away and mom worked more to support us. So Little me spent more time with Kyle the molester. And well the scenarios started to develop, being tied to the bedpost once, in one memory I am getting fucked from behind while he looks at porn over my shoulder. So my 5th grade teacher was a veteran she knew I was being abused or at least suspected it but either didn't know the where when how or didn't really care to find out. Mom and Father blamed there relationship problems on my deteriorating grades and finally poor behavior at school. See there was no problem as far as the school was concerned until I was causing trouble. So I got a parent teacher intervention. Well whats wrong with you Drew? "Do I tell them? No they will be infuriated I didn't tell them sooner and by this time the concept of sexuality has developed in my mind and just like that the biggest secret of my life was formed. So at school the bullying was blamed and everyone seemed sure that was the problem. But why was a fit athletic kid bullied anyway? No one asked. So at the absolute latest by my 11th birthday I was fully victimized. Picked on at school, fucked by a dude after school, then ate dinner by myself and did it over again for at least a school year. I have come to understand that 4th and 5th grade was hell on fucking earth for me. I can remember this bully picking on me and I wanted to knock his teeth out so bad this burning fucking anger that I learned to release in time. I just wasn't angry enough yet to blow. But I got there later
Aftermath
That's where we stopped in therapy last Friday. I was done emotionally. Between therapy sessions 1 and two I had minor problems a sleep disturbance, bad mood, drug cravings. But it seemed manageable so no action was taken. But by the time I got to my car after the second session I was in real emotional pain. I was called in gabapentin and prescription bendryl but I began eating Xanax as well like 3mg over 5 days I would say mostly at night. At the third appointment she gave me the option to continue or talk about dealing with current emotions. I said the way through is out lets continue. Bad call on my part but I got through the session and I was ok that weekend. Was fucked up bad by Monday though and wanted a dose increase at the clinic denied due to failed drug screens for pot and benzos. Fucking A I was beyond pissed yelling match ensued between me and counselor after I told the doc to go fuck a cow. So I acquired money about 3 bags of dope no effect due to methadone blockade effect. Wednesday morning I talk to clinic he calls therapist she talks to the doctor and I am eventually called in Zoloft and more gabapentin and a drug to suppress dreams I threw out yesterday. So I wasn't happy with the "emergency" call in for a dude with 3 prior documented suicide attempts and a gaping wound in his psyche but really it was par for the course.
So at this point we are 3 hour long sessions into what I was advised would be a 5 session and go from there strategy. I was in deep at the clinic for 2 positive benzo fails in a row and given a 120 day evaluation period for treatment suitability. The first step to getting axed. So I stopped taking Xanax kept smoking herb taking gabapentin like they are going out of style. I was scared of Zoloft as for some reason SSRis scare me maybe intuition. So I went to the 4th appointment with intention of working on coping skills that consisted of yoga shit and the magical breathing exercises fuck me standing bro. So after 15 minutes I just started talking and I talked until she threw me out of her office pretty much. that was roughly 9 days ago. I really felt numb. But over this last week I have deteriorated again mutilated my arm began having negative outcome oriented thoughts. Bad Shit. So I started the Zoloft because I was desperate. I don't know when I became manic but it was slow then bam. And I have been that way until I began having serotonin syndrome last night and went to ER this morning.
So yeah if you read all that thank you. I guess I just want to commiserate for a bit then figure out wtf to do next. edit:Also don't be afraid to comment if I didn't want to talk about it I wouldn't have posted it. I tried to go back and edit it to read better but its still choppy.
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I'm sorry, CJ...really, really sorry. Thank you for sharing your story. Purging those feelings you've held back for a lifetime is indeed therapeutic. Did you get to the ER for dehydration? These thoughts manifest themselves physically. You need some serious professionals in the medical field to help.
CJ...Are you around? Hope you're okay, friend. You have my email addy.