I was just narcan'd my 7th time. This one was, by far, the worst. I woke up, and could feel like pain in my brain like I was dying. Then I went back out and didn't come to until I was in the hospital.
Im not glad I survived, but I'm not sure if I wish I had died. Like, I think im going to have to kill myself, and it would be nice to have it done and over with. But, I had things I was still doing - I wanted to at least leave suicide notes. I guess that's why it's so weird - I'm kind of ambivalent. It's not that I don't care I lived, I just don't know if I'm not worse off having lived.
I felt like I went to hell. I hope it was just a delusion, but if that is where I'm going when I die, it's hell. And it's weird, because I don't consider myself a bad person - it just seemed like hell is where I will go. Im trying to tell myself it was just a delusion, that if I actually die my brain will be gone. But it's scary, because narcan lets you undie, but that isn't an option if you kill yourself.
Word of advice: if the hospital asks for consent to treat you, tell them no. And tell them you would like discharged against medical advice, and get the hell out of there! They left me dopesick till I literally shit myself, with no water. Then they wanted to run an MRI? Why? To see if I have brain damage? They can't fix it. All they want to do is bill for an expensive test. The results don't matter. Get out of there as fast as you can and go do more dope. It takes a lot because the narcan soaks some up. If you really want an MRI, you can probably still do it after you leave and get dope, but those assholes knew I got narcan'd, knew I was on 60mg of methadone (plus fentanyl everyday), and wanted me to sit there dopesick for hours. They never offered me more methadone! Screw that - I still have enough braincells to know what misery feels like, so get me to out of this hospital!
I think they were like purposely cruel, but there the ones getting paid (a lot) to bring me back. I don't call them. If it's such a big PITA to resuscitate me, just take the long way back. Hit a McDonald's. Let me die in peace instead of waking me up just to be assholes. Seriously, 2ivs and a catheter just to put narcan in my nose? I swear they were just being assholes.
Im not glad I survived, but I'm not sure if I wish I had died. Like, I think im going to have to kill myself, and it would be nice to have it done and over with. But, I had things I was still doing - I wanted to at least leave suicide notes. I guess that's why it's so weird - I'm kind of ambivalent. It's not that I don't care I lived, I just don't know if I'm not worse off having lived.
I felt like I went to hell. I hope it was just a delusion, but if that is where I'm going when I die, it's hell. And it's weird, because I don't consider myself a bad person - it just seemed like hell is where I will go. Im trying to tell myself it was just a delusion, that if I actually die my brain will be gone. But it's scary, because narcan lets you undie, but that isn't an option if you kill yourself.
Word of advice: if the hospital asks for consent to treat you, tell them no. And tell them you would like discharged against medical advice, and get the hell out of there! They left me dopesick till I literally shit myself, with no water. Then they wanted to run an MRI? Why? To see if I have brain damage? They can't fix it. All they want to do is bill for an expensive test. The results don't matter. Get out of there as fast as you can and go do more dope. It takes a lot because the narcan soaks some up. If you really want an MRI, you can probably still do it after you leave and get dope, but those assholes knew I got narcan'd, knew I was on 60mg of methadone (plus fentanyl everyday), and wanted me to sit there dopesick for hours. They never offered me more methadone! Screw that - I still have enough braincells to know what misery feels like, so get me to out of this hospital!
I think they were like purposely cruel, but there the ones getting paid (a lot) to bring me back. I don't call them. If it's such a big PITA to resuscitate me, just take the long way back. Hit a McDonald's. Let me die in peace instead of waking me up just to be assholes. Seriously, 2ivs and a catheter just to put narcan in my nose? I swear they were just being assholes.
