My 2 best friends dead from dope in 1 month

[bdomihizayka]

I've just lost my two best friends in less than a month due to drugs.

We were inseparable growing up. Long story short, I feel responsible for both of their deaths because I was the one to introduce hard drugs to them.

Sure... we drank and smoked pot throughout middle and high school sometimes- but soon thereafter, I introduced them to crack, and we would occasionally mix it in with our partying.

A couple years ago, and we all parted ways, well I did at least. They were partying "too hard" for me. And all 3 of us got hooked on heroin in the meantime (so much for parting ways). Now, both of them are dead from ODing, and I am still here, when I was the one to introduce hard drugs upon them (I am a guy, and these were 2 gorgeous girls, so I feel extra fucking shitty)

The last time I talked to either of them was not on very friendly terms, and was about me being a dick to them about their life choices.... but I just loved them and didn't want them ending up dead - which they now are.

Sure... I didn't put a needle in their fucking arms.... but none of yous would be too happy with me if either one of these girls were your daughters and you knew I introduced them to this shit.

Introducing someone to heavy drugs may as fucking well be manslaughter.

I'm just a mess.... in shock.... and I miss my friends.

And worse yet.... I want some dope. I've been sober, but I want to end it all.

 

[foolsgold]

i am so sorry for you loss but the last thing they will want is you to end things and i am sure deep down you know that please be strong

 

[Bebenear]

You can't make other people do anything.

 

[Maya]

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Sending you some love

Like what Bebenear said, you can't make other people do anything, it was their choice to do drugs with you, they are aware of what was happening and aware of the consequences of drugs. Be strong OP, as it was out of your control, out of your hands. As tough as this may sound, they had a choice not to abuse it, we have all been in that mistake, some of us are lucky to have experienced the lowest points and given the chance to live and some do not make it. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you find that strength in you to forgive yourself someday and have that peace again.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey bdomihizayka sorry for you loss. Your not to blame, its just the natural progression hard partiers go down.

The wanting of dope is the addiction. Addiction causes us to think in bizarre ways. If you and your friends had gotten into hitting yourselves in the head with hammers and you had realized that hitting your self in the head with a hammer was not a great thing to do. So you stopped hitting yourself in the head with a hammer but your two friends could not stop and ended up killing themselves, would you want to go and hit yourself in the head with a hammer because your friends had died doing it? Addiction messes our thought process up.

Im sorry your friends passed away from overdoses. Addiction is a pretty awful thing and addicts that continue long enough really run the risk of death, especially IV users. In the begining its partying and fun and people introduce each other to different substances. For some reason people never think that the bad stuff people talk about is going to happen to them. They are just going to mess around with it and make sure they don't get hooked. Its fun exciting and enjoyable in the begining. Partying hard leads to addiction, addiction is misery and very far away from the party that leads to it.

Time to focus on numeral uno. Going out and getting high won't solve your problems, it will just make them so much worse. You need to find away to forgive yourself and heal from all the worlds and devastation addiction has had on you and those you love. Your passed friends would not want you to go out and continue down the same miserable path that ended up taking them.

Active addiction is misery and returning to misery is insanity. You need to find a way to heal. Active addicts that ride the ride far enough die. Getting back on the deadly ride will not bring your peace and would be the exact opposite from what your friends would want.. They want to see someone pull off the miracle and make it out alive. There is peace to be found, I would make recovery your number one priority and you will find the peace you deserve.

 

[Bliss26]

I am sorry your friends died.
The truth is, you never introduced them to H, right?
H is not crack.
They died from H.
You are not responsible for their deaths, no more than the people who enabled them, the dealer that sold it, anyone who contributed to a dysfunctional childhood, etc.
It's not your fault.

I think the best thing to honor their memories would be to maintain your sobriety. find someone to talk to. If you could speak to them I know they wouldn't blame you, and I know they wouldn't want you to torture yourself with this or "punish" yourself by using.

Keep clean. One day at a time.

 

[bdomihizayka]

Trying not to use. I reallyyy appreciate all the love yous sent. You are all I have. I truly mean that.

I haven't left my room for nearly 3 days. I know once I step foot outside, my ass is getting recklessly high. This craving is constant and SHARP. I want to do nothing at all..... dont wanna play guitar, read, watch tv, use the computer, talk to anyone, meditate, exercise.... I just wanna lay in bed and sleep, and when I cannot sleep I just stare at the wall. dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope dope. <--- That's the only thing going on in my internal discourse. It's driving me INSANE and I've been clean for some good time now. I can't live my life like this. Even if I survive this wave of INTENSE (really an understatement) cravings, I know I will not survive the next one, or maybe the one after that etc.


Where are my friends.....???? How can I contact them? There may not even be an "afterlife", nobody alive can possibly "know"..... but what if there is.....

.....why is my mind my own worse enemy on every single level imaginable?

......and where are my fucking friends?

 

[Bliss26]

Your friends can hear you.
Maybe contacting a legitsmite medium (most are frauds) could help you find peace.
I am NOT religious, never was . Born Anglican but raised pretty much athirst. Married civilly. Kids not baptized etc.
But, in adulthood, not believing in the fairy tale "big book" to keep the masses in line, but believed there was something. Researched and read. All of the REAL mediums believe in the same thing.
No big heaven or hell... Picture the afterlife like a 20 story building. You get to go to your level based on how you lived your life, lessons learned etc. The higher up you are, the better, you're with like minded people. You can go down levels to visit old family and friends, but never up.
So like the bottom level I guess would be hell and fillies with evil people. That's what makes it hell.

I know it sounds hokey at first. like I said I'm not religious at all but I am spiritual and believe in the afterlife. I'm no physics person, but think of all your energy. Energy cannot be destroyed , just change forms. IDK, just one girls thoughts.

Whatever you believe though, it's still not worth using. What's done is done, and it wasn't your doing. You weren't even close near the end. You need some counselling I think, to put this behind you so you won't have that intense craving to punish yourself by going back.