My 17 year old daughter is pregnant.....wtf?

[stellablue]

I am trying to stay calm, but I just found out yesterday that she is pregnant. She is going to the doctor tomorrow. I tried to put her on birth control but she would swear to me that she wasn't having sex. That was 2 months ago. So WTF. Why would she throw her life away? Has she learned anything from my life? I wanted so much for her. Now she is going to struggle and that there is nothing I can do about it. All I wanted was the best for her, and now all can I do is be supportive? I am just so dissappointed. Things were going so well lately.
I am afraid the man I love is growing distant from things going on with everything, but then again he says he isn't so I will trust him. I can't wait to see him. I could use a good cuddle.
I really want things to work out with everything because I am ready to move forward and have love and a good relationship with my boyfriend. He is my everything, besides my kids. I want my oldest to have a good life because she is all I have from my first husband that passed, plus she is always going to be my baby. I just never seen her as having a baby.
Any advice would be appeciated.
Thanks, Stella

 

[OxycoDrone]

Wow, Stella, that's intense. I'm just heading out the door, so I'll write something up later on, but is abortion out of the question? It's not a big deal where I live, but I know some places/people think it's the devil.

Good luck, and I'll talk to you later okay? If you need to vent/rage or just talk to someone impartial, PM me okay? Always happy to help and listen! Much love heading your way~

 

[stellablue]

^ Thank you. I am so exausted that I am just not able to PM you tonight. I would love to talk tomorrow though. I am so out of it with all of this pressure. I only wants whats best for her.

 

[stardust.hero]

stella that must be rough and you are probably in a lot of shock. It will be hard but it is not the end of the world. I remember when my first friend had a baby, she was 17 and she was so scared. We were all scared for her too, her friends, her parents. She made it through and had the baby and although she did have a rough time at first she is doing really well for herself now 2 years later. She is actually doing better than myself and a lot of our other friends I could probably say.

I know it's got to be scary for you but it's going to be so much scarier for her. Just be there for her now. That's all you really can do. This is a baby and it's a human being and your grandchild. You are going to love it for the rest of your life. It will probably be one of the greatest things you will know. It will all be okay just take it day by day. Her life isn't over it's just changed a little bit and you will have to take some time to adjust and accept that change. But it will be okay and you won't regret or worry about this forever.

And yeah, like jackie said, Congratulations

 

[Shady Kaity]

I agree with stardust. That's pretty much my situation...got pregnant at 17n I'm now 20 with a two year old son who has taught me more about myself life and love than anyone else could. Considering before I got preg, I was out of control, in and out of rehabs using drugs and being defiant in all ways possible, I was not hanging out with the best crowd, so I DEFINITELY am doing much better than them and probably even some of my other current friends (esp. Given my other circumstances involved). But now I'm in college going for my RN with a 3.4 gpa, a wonderful long term boyfriend, and high goals and ambitions....
I can honestly say I would not be where I am today if not for having my son. Its tough but definitely not impossible.

But, I can also identify with the option of abortion, given the circumstances. Last year, two days before mothers day I made the heart breaking decision to get an abortion as I knew there was no way to support another child and keep up the rest of my family.

I have already PMd you...feel free to message back anytime.
Much luck to you all

 

[mrflowers00]

my mom had me at 17 and she has a great life but my dad divorced her when i was three so we don't see or talk much but my dad is doing awesome he quit plumbing and graduated college had a good job but then suffered a bad back injury and now is on social security

 

[xstayfadedx]

This is shocking and very unexpected but there really isn't anything you can do but be there for your daughter. I know you're upset and possibly angry but things happen and we can't change them. I'm sure she didn't expect to become pregnant but it happened and now I'm sure she is more scared than ever... I know I would be if I ended up pregnant at 17 or even at 18 (the age I am now). Yet, its 2012 and times have changed. Life is much easier for young girls who are pregnant. I mean its still hard but there are a lot more options for girls out there nowadays.... More than there were for you or our parents. Just make sure to tell her that her life isn't over because its not. Make sure she finishes high school and picks up a job when she can... Even if its only temporary, the extra money will help. Other than that get her into college. The financial aid will not only help for tuition but her living situation. Many colleges/universities also offer child care so please make sure she takes advantage of these options... She still will have so many. Good luck and stay strong not only for yourself but for your daughter.

 

[nooneanymore]

Why would she throw her life away? Has she learned anything from my life? I wanted so much for her. Now she is going to struggle and that there is nothing I can do about it. All I wanted was the best for her, and now all can I do is be supportive? I am just so dissappointed. Things were going so well lately.
Thanks, Stella

This having a kid thing = the worst possibly thing that could happen is overblown. Odds are unless she's getting an inheritance she would be struggling anyway. Jobs don't pay.

 

[cj]

Situations like this range from negative to horrible depending on the person and the family situation. If she has someone like a grandmother to look after the baby while she does school/work then that will be clutch. The fathers involvement will also determine how the situation plays out hopefully he is committed to living up to his responsibilities. My advice is to get the know the babys daddy and treat him with respect and compassion but remember he is a kid so he will need some guidance. Also getting in touch and together with his family will be crucial. Basically you need to build a support structure for your daughter and her little angel. But im sure you knew most of this and will handle it well. You seem like such a good person I hope it works out for you.

 

[Missykins]

Are you sure that she is pregnant? Have you seen her take a pregnancy test with a positive result yourself, or is your understanding that she is pregnant based upon what she has told you? I am not suggesting to you that your daughter is not being truthful with you, but errors in at-home test completion and interpretation do take place, so I would ask her to repeat the test with you present to verify the result.

 

[rocketqueen]

I got pregnant when I was 17, and my mom asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I wanted an abortion...YESTERDAY. Thank goodness she took me and we got it done. I rarely if ever think about this, but I am SO GLAD I was not FORCED to have A BABY! Yes, I was on the Pill, but we all know how teenagers are. I did not have the wherewithal to take a pill at the same time every day.

THANK GOODNESS WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE ABORTION IS SAFE AND LEGAL.

To all the mothers with teenage girls - insist they get the Depo-Provera shot. They are not going to tell you they are having sex! I sure wish the shot was available when I was a teen.

Hang in there, gal, this is not an insurmountable problem. Y'all can get through this. And, @Stella, to people that tell you that this is no big deal...really? A baby changes EVERYTHING.

 

[webbykevin]

She's 17 ffs, what business is it of yours or anyone else's what she does with her sex life, so she had sex and got pregnant, happens to millions of people every day, no biggie, best thing that ever happened to me was having kids.

 

[littlepenguin]

My advice and hope for your actions: Smile and hug and hold hands and support.

I got pregnant at 19 and I decided to give my child to a family. My parents were two polar opposites; my mom was relentlessly begging for me to keep the child or to let her take it, and it was nice to know that the child was wanted and would be taken care of, but it was way too much. On the opposite side, my dad chose to ignore the gigantic lump under my shirt, and pretended like 'it' didn't exist. He also claimed he knew I was pregnant before I did. At this time, my grandma, his mom, was dying in the hospital. I wanted to tell her that I was having a baby, but my dad said 'absolutely not. if she knew you had a child out of wedlock, she'd die ashamed of me and you.' Fuck man, that hurt.....(s)

So, please - don't be like my dad and ignore it, because it has really caused me a lot of anguish, hatred, resentment and has stuck around since. And my mom was way too overboard, but she was totally there for me, no matter what, and it helped me through one of the most lonely and depressing times in my entire life. Just offer a backrub. A trip to get your toenails done. Lunch - whatever it is...just be there.

 

[desolato]

The best thing you can do is be there to support her through thick and thin with no judging. I had my youngest at 16 then another 3 days before my 18th then my third son planned when i was 22. I know im not the greatest role model out there but hey ive got 3 gorgeous boys, been married at 16 then divorced at 20 am engaged again to my fiance whom ive been with nearly 5 years now. I never finished year nine because of the impact sexual abuse had on my life and I never thought I had a hope in hell of doing anything productive...i got jobs as a cleaner and thats all i could get then i got a cert III in cleaning operations and asses maintenence....I planned to go back to school but was told to try for uni firt so i did and somehow i managed to get into uni this year and start study to be a teacher which was my first preference at QUT which around here is a damn good uni...(yep ive kinda fucked that up a little atm and had to put it on hold while i deal with my life coming back to haunt me) but your daughter is a lil older than I was and if she has her mums support then she has a HECK of alot more than I did....whats to say she wont go to uni and get a degree or get an amazing job....whats to say how her life will turn out?? you never know...but the one thing i do know is that I had no one...i had to do it by myself with no support from my arsehole ex husband or from my parents whom disowned me and still barely have anything to do with me...or my boys....If i can get to where i am with the shit ive had to go through by myself and still be standing with a roof over our heads food always in the cupboards my boys always dressed and looked after well and their needs even met even going to swimming lessons kung fu and soccer im amongst other things we are so lucky to have I am sure your daughter can do much much much better than I with a mothers support and love. She may make mistakes...let her make them and be there to pick her up but please dont judge or tell her what to do just be there....i wish so badly that i could have had someone like that....it would have meant so so much if i could have had just that one person...it can make the world of difference. look around for support groups, there are schools that will support young mothers with bubs, organizations that can help with learning how to look after a child etc there are so many support things out there for young parents, help her find them so she has options.....parenthood can be harsh but it can also make us grow and give us new perspectives and opportunities in life...I know I would personally never ever take it back for a second...goodluck to you and your daughter

 

[webbykevin]

i got a cert III in cleaning operations and asses maintenence

Your main story was inspiring and you should be very proud of yourself, sounds like you are really together.

But what the hell is asses maintenance ? I have all sorts of strange images in my head now lol.

 

[desolato]

lol sorry iy was a typo...assest maintainece and cleaning operations. did it as a traineeship with a cleaning company....it gave me 68credit points to get into uni but i needed 69 so i sat a stat test and scroed well giving me a credit of 75 points ...the stat test isnt about how much you know but how well you can get information out of things. i have my licence i have my own car i havent lived with my parents since i was 15. and have rented with my ex, my sister and now my fiance (and my sister lives with us) ive never been kicked out of a house and thebone were in atm was brand new when we moved in. money is tight but were doing pretty good considering my ex uusband doesnt pay child support for my eldest two or help with any of the costs.and altho people may not like that i get ftb payments from the government ive worked it out and i pretty much get what my fiance pays in taxes so its not that bad. ive worked when i could but had to stop cleaning when the chemicals gave my sneezing fits with migraines.

my sisyer who is 4yrs older than me lives with us because she cant afford a place of her own and has lived with us for nearly 2 years this time. doesnt have a car or licence has only herself to worry about no kids and did more of highschool than i. not trying to say im so much better just that you can never tell what hand life will give you.

 

[rocketqueen]

She's 17 ffs, what business is it of yours or anyone else's what she does with her sex life, so she had sex and got pregnant, happens to millions of people every day, no biggie, best thing that ever happened to me was having kids.

The best thing that ever happened to me was NOT having kids. I am an addict, and I think the two do not mix well. I am not going to have the taxpayers pay for my choice to have children. Or my family.

A mom has dreams for her daughter(s), and having a baby makes everything twice as hard. And who is going to support this child, if she decides to have it?

 

[stellablue]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am just tryng to be there for her, and we are making some decisions on what to do. I will update later. Also, thanks again for everyones support.

 

[Mariposa]

Stella, my heart is with you and your family. I trust you will guide your daughter into making the decision that is best. This has to be doing quite the number on you, so please also take care of yourself.

The Depo-Provera shot, in addition to undermine your fertile daughter's self-respect, has potentially very bad side effects. The Pill and the IUD have a better overall track record. I have an IUD because artificial hormones affect my mood adversely. Whether or not your daughter carries this pregnancy to term, she'll need birth control after.

I can also thank rocketqueen for a well-thought-out post in that I know I could financially support a child, but I could not give emotional support in the way a child needs. That's why I haven't had any children. I thought ahead. I love my (10 and 8 year old) best friends, who are the sons of my former partner and his ex-wife. We stayed friends for the kids for all of the right reasons.

Who is the sperm donor? Is your daughter in a serious relationship with him? Is he financially stable? These are very valid questions that you as the mother of a minor must ask.

 

[rocketqueen]

@Mariposa, why do you think Depo "undermines self-respect?" If the child is going to have sex, why not make sure an unplanned pregnancy does not happen again? Depo has an EXCELLENT track record, with over 99% effectiveness. Do share what you know, I have always had and heard nothing but positive about Depo.

I hear you on the child thing. I never wanted children and not only am I not financially able to support a child, I have a chronic, relapsing disease (addiction) and mental illness. This means I am unable to provide the proper emotional environment for the attention a child demands.

Yes, who is the father (or the sperm donor)? He will need to provide support should y'all decide to have the baby.