(MXE) Who am I? Am I you? Or are you me?

[Rickard]

I usually don’t write trip reports, but this is the exception. Methoxetamine has never fondled me this ecstatically before; never ever mingled my mind this bizarrely.
I usually only dwell in its twisted realms with my mind intact, often most with disciplined thoughts and a logic anchor as mental fortitude, for I know its insanitary powers all too well. Sparse are the days that I delve into my mind when it’s troubled; navigating a logical path through thickets of mumbled phantasies when sorrow or confusion reigns is truly the decadence of sanity. Yet through my mental barriers this batch of MXE squeezed itself, with such levity it seemed preposterous in hindsight, and effortlessly warped the soundness of my mind.
Two piles of the brand new white dust lay available; I intended to insufflate only one, and if not, then at least with some interspace, but regardless both disappeared concurrently.
And then it began. I have had intense MXE trips before, some even bordering to crazy, but this one was special. I have experienced ego losses and deaths and merging with the All, but this was so outlandishly weird that when I look back, I shudder. I can only recall fragments of what I felt, but I am dead certain I was discoursing a very specific subject with someone. The person to whom I was talking to was me, and the person who I was, was someone else. And I remember a strong, eerie sensation of acceptance at this. The subject which I was trying to explain to him (or me) was the nature of a thought. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to recall what I was saying, but I clearly remember myself explaining in thorough depth and detail the workings of a thought. I don’t remember the details of this conversations at all, only the unsettling mood it landed on me, and how stupid everything seemed after I became privy to this secret.
I don’t remember even partially how a thought allegedly functions, or the revelations that seemed to have surged through me afterwards, or any of the foul realizations that followed. I only remember a very chilling sensation that everything is very wrong. I became an Atheist tonight.

 

[fridgebuzz]

Not unusual, but it must have been from your perspective!

Hi Rickard,

I know that feeling too well. First of all it was a meeting with your avatar for a lack of better words. It's a projection of the self that the mind creates to identify itself as a singular unit. People may call it the ego. We don't say, "we're going to do this" it's always an, "i'm going to do this." Yet the 'I' really doesn't exist and is just a representative of the vast collection of divisions that make up what you are. The mind is much like a business with many workers that play their part to help the business attain its goal. We are usually only aware of that end goal I mentioned, as in the "what's in it for me?" without paying close attention to the methods and procedures we use to get there. This state you were recounting is a rare occurrence for me when messing with mxe. I usually dose lightly and most of the time the experience is that of a more conscious and lucid state. However, sometimes the peak experience is a bit stranger than that.

Last time it happened I became very confused rather quickly. The confusion gradually turned into a delirium whereby stuff just began making the utmost sense like I was in the process of discovering some well kept secret. Coincidental incidents began taking place on a regular and ordered basis and my own emotions seemed to be the sole driving force behind them. Overall it reduced me to a state where I was at rest. A total pause in the sequence of events that make up my life. Funny how total confusion gave way to a moment of clarity. At the time I thought I was having some sort of nervous breakdown but in hindsight it was a very cleansing experience that enabled me to rethink many minute details I overlook in my life. These rare mxe "contacts" give new definition to the expression "everything happens for a reason."

Aside from that I found after going through one of these magical experiences, dosing more mxe within 48-72 hours was a dead stick and lacked any magic. If I keep the dose small I can attain the lucid states over and over, but I know I won't be dosing any mxe anytime soon if and when I hit that "hole." The hole is very therapeutic and comfortable, but I find it's the small dose insights I enjoy the most.

 

[llamer]

I think those who've never done disassociatives will have a hard time understanding this, but I feel the unrememberedness of the OP and his grasping at the ever rotating diamond that is a trip whose projections of light are in constant flux - or is it you, the beholder, who is fluxing? Or is that very question part of the gearbox of perception the drug just added force to? who knows! such are the wonders of magic and the mind. i find that MXE and ketamine are the closest things out there (that i've done at least) which are truly like the lucid dream: they seem full of potent symbolism and meaning, yet difficult to follow and interpret, if at all (at least with MXE; ket is notoriously smoother). in the end you lose the control over the visions and find yourself between both waking and dream world, incapable of bridging them, incapable of bringing the visions and insight to paper or to memory and the trip degrades into dumbing stoned inebriation. wierd stuff. i'm not sure i need to mess around with it any more (mxe at least). thanx for posting