So, work's been ok lately. I was scared about going back but so far I've been doing fine and got some lovely encouraging emails from the call centre manager. I'm back on the phones after a couple of weeks doing admin work so I was worried about hitting stats. I'm not hitting my targets, but I'm doing better than before I was on admin, so I just need to keep going. My team leader has thrown some pretty heavy hints my way that I'm going to be given another role in the company. I would be so grateful if this was the case. I've worked so hard for so long and a job change would really breathe new life into my work.
I've signed up for another six hours overtime this week. I'm going to be a wreck by the end of it as I can feel myself getting fluey but I've already earned an extra £100 on top of my wages in commission, hopefully the overtime will bump it up to another £100 which will cover getting my tattoo finished. I'm wanting to book it for a week on Friday. I went to see Lee today but the shop was shut so he must have decided to work from home. I'll try again tomorrow and if he's not in I can go see him on Saturday.
I feel pretty crappy. My body is all achey and my throat hurts. The problem with my office is there's far too many people in a small space and they're pretty hard on us for taking sick days which means people come in when they're ill and spread their cold or flu bug. Then because they've come in to work, the people that catch their sickness can't take time off because it looks bad. I'm going to push on through. I've only got a couple of paid sick days left and I really need this overtime.
My tattoo outline is healing nicely. It's such a badge of honour. I love it. It makes me feel a bit renewed, and going through that physical pain last Saturday has helped me get over a few emotionally bumpy bits.
I've been thinking about starting a wee photography project. My dad gave me a working 80's polaroid camera. If I can find film online I could take some awesome pictures and put them in the scrapbook that Mum got me as part of my 30th birthday present. I've got lots of festival tickets, flyers, wrist bands, set lists etc that I could put in there. Just to document how life's been this far. Debbie makes me lots of lovely pictures too which I'd love to keep for posterity.
I'm feeling tinged with loneliness again lately. I know I'm not supposed to... but I've been single for so long now... it's not even about sex, I just miss having someone to cuddle and spend my free time with. I've went from being morbidy co-dependent to being fiercely independent and it's hard to admit when I feel lonely like this. I feel like I could be a benefit to someone's life. I feel like I've got something to offer. But I'm so esoteric that guys generally don't "get" me or they want a deep and long-lasting friendship. The friendships are great but I want love. I want love. Not just anyone. Someone special. Someone to be my best friend and travelling companion, even if only for a few months. Surely I deserve it?
I joined a dating website but I left it within about 12 hours as it was just full of tossers. There's no way I could meet anyone that way. I don't seem to meet anyone socially. I don't want to "date" someone. I don't want a fuck buddy. I want it all. But it has to be special. Am I restricting myself by having such high expectations? Or am I being sensible?
It's been three years. If Alan wasn't the one for me then there must surely be the right one out there...? If he won't let me go back to him then surely there must be a way forward...?
It's a struggle. But I guess all I can do is just keep living my life and see what happens. After a while the loneliness numbs off... I'm just feeling emotional and vulnerable because I'm not very well.
See? I'm getting teary now. I don't do that. Not any more. I can't be weak anymore.
I've signed up for another six hours overtime this week. I'm going to be a wreck by the end of it as I can feel myself getting fluey but I've already earned an extra £100 on top of my wages in commission, hopefully the overtime will bump it up to another £100 which will cover getting my tattoo finished. I'm wanting to book it for a week on Friday. I went to see Lee today but the shop was shut so he must have decided to work from home. I'll try again tomorrow and if he's not in I can go see him on Saturday.
I feel pretty crappy. My body is all achey and my throat hurts. The problem with my office is there's far too many people in a small space and they're pretty hard on us for taking sick days which means people come in when they're ill and spread their cold or flu bug. Then because they've come in to work, the people that catch their sickness can't take time off because it looks bad. I'm going to push on through. I've only got a couple of paid sick days left and I really need this overtime.
My tattoo outline is healing nicely. It's such a badge of honour. I love it. It makes me feel a bit renewed, and going through that physical pain last Saturday has helped me get over a few emotionally bumpy bits.
I've been thinking about starting a wee photography project. My dad gave me a working 80's polaroid camera. If I can find film online I could take some awesome pictures and put them in the scrapbook that Mum got me as part of my 30th birthday present. I've got lots of festival tickets, flyers, wrist bands, set lists etc that I could put in there. Just to document how life's been this far. Debbie makes me lots of lovely pictures too which I'd love to keep for posterity.
I'm feeling tinged with loneliness again lately. I know I'm not supposed to... but I've been single for so long now... it's not even about sex, I just miss having someone to cuddle and spend my free time with. I've went from being morbidy co-dependent to being fiercely independent and it's hard to admit when I feel lonely like this. I feel like I could be a benefit to someone's life. I feel like I've got something to offer. But I'm so esoteric that guys generally don't "get" me or they want a deep and long-lasting friendship. The friendships are great but I want love. I want love. Not just anyone. Someone special. Someone to be my best friend and travelling companion, even if only for a few months. Surely I deserve it?
I joined a dating website but I left it within about 12 hours as it was just full of tossers. There's no way I could meet anyone that way. I don't seem to meet anyone socially. I don't want to "date" someone. I don't want a fuck buddy. I want it all. But it has to be special. Am I restricting myself by having such high expectations? Or am I being sensible?
It's been three years. If Alan wasn't the one for me then there must surely be the right one out there...? If he won't let me go back to him then surely there must be a way forward...?
It's a struggle. But I guess all I can do is just keep living my life and see what happens. After a while the loneliness numbs off... I'm just feeling emotional and vulnerable because I'm not very well.
See? I'm getting teary now. I don't do that. Not any more. I can't be weak anymore.
