60 g psyolocybin cubensis - semiexperienced - drum controls being
This trip has way more information to it if I were to go way back to get the proper context for my trips but I'll leave that all out and basically simply include the information that I think might be interesting to fellow trippers.
The information which is different to the usual trip
I had been waiting about 2 months to trip on some mushrooms which you can buy here, my last trip had been really good and I looked forward to revisiting and reaffirming a similar space, that of the 'now'. I was waiting for an apt weekend when I thought that I had learnt enough since last time to do them.
I read http://www.erowid.org/plants/mushrooms/mushrooms_article3.shtml
a bit
I wasn't thinking of doing them on the friday but as events were transpiring I found myself halfway through the day in a slightly negative and self-conscious but very trippy headspace.
I decided to go right into the headspace which seemed to be a signal to do mushrooms (heh) and bought 60g of the mexicans hoping for a bit of a giggle (I did haiwaiins last time).
While it was an impulse I was following the signals though I also ignored the signals of seeing ambulances on my way too and from the mushrooms shop (while you may find this style of signals from the universe ludicrious it is an experiment to go where things carry me).
I tried meditating a bit but really my mind was a whirr of activity and some slightly anxiety as to what would happen; after waiting so long I was now totally impatient to get into the trip.
Well I didn't manage to totally let go of my ego and I felt quite sad and not calm or in the now. However, I started trying to write a poem about my aloneness and noticed the beauty of my ability to type, my fingers seemed to be moving with amazing grace and complexity and truly dancing over the keys.
An urge took me and I went over to my tabla drum which I bought about 6 months ago and have played perhaps twice. I was drawn to the drum
And I started playing, and playing and playing. I played for.... 5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the end my hands were totally bloated and at one point I thought they might explode (they were purple), I got worried of playing on but said that was stupid, hands don't explode from blood swelling and started playing again.
I would stop and play again and again never looking at the time, at the whole day that was going past as I continued to play in what must have been a total connection to something like the present as I was continually making new rhythms and sounds
The rhythms seemed absolutely amazing and I was almost convinced of myself as a genius, though I also realised something had taken hold of me and was showing me how to play, it was simply happening; the rhythms were simply happening.
I don't know if they sounded absolutely shite to an outside listener but to me it was like me tapping around the middle of the drum was trying to get through the now, it was me hitting the now; and also playing a song of reppresed tension and a desire for liberation which I never knew how to achieve. As such my playing was an expression of my emotions and feelings about many social situations which can become heavy around me. The playing expressed this anguish.
My stomach was turning and occasionally I would let out a great yawn and tears would well out of my eyes.
As I played the drum cross legged I saw myself as a character who had always been playing the drum, who would play it in the subway to beat out the time as people went past,
I had a total feeling of synthesia(sp? - when one sense becomes another) as the sounds of the playing were totally connected to the level of my being.
At one point I stopped playing and started scratching or turning my hands on the middle of the drum and this was like scratching my heart, or turning my heart and the whole horizontalism of the enviroment
A couple of times I would let things get quiet and then everything would go sooooooooo calm but I didn't seem to want to be in that space and would go back to playing
When it was calm it seemed like a couple of times the now was going to come and carry me but could not manage it.
This trip showed me visual hallucinations that I no longer thought were possible and I don't know what it showed me on a personal level, except that I am amazingly persistent [actually maybe I was shown this that I didn't realise before!] and that I might need a hobby
I went in with too many clear expectations but in the end they did not matter. I got an idea of what it is like to play something emotionally, and out of the void, and spontaneously without any time for thought whatsoever.
I certainly hoped that by playing this stuff I was getting out a lot of the pain I had felt on drugs but I don't know if that really happened (yet), the playing was so emotional, so heartfelt, so inspired - for no reason, I can't play very well now
It also showed me to actually let things go where they will, that perhaps it is not even about always trying to be happy or good but just going with them and see what happens.
I left the trip wanting to trip again fairly soon, but we will see how this rides out - I am no longer going to be so overly respectful of the shrooms that I ruin it through my expectations and not being able to relax because it is tooo special, or too awaited.
I also realised that I will have to simply learn the stuff in life that I learn for life and learn the stuff on trips that I learn on trips, I cannot go around trying to learn lots of stuff for trips in sobriety it doesn't really work like that. I will learn best by learning for life, and then that will come through more in the trip, if i try to learn for trips then I wont have learnt properly.
This wasn't an easy trip but it was pretty fun! while I was aware that playing the drum was a diversion to what was actually happenning that is what I wanted to do and so it is what I did do and I feel good about that
Drugs can be tools for some sort of enlightenment but I think it is worth having the attitude too of simply seeing where things will take you
This trip has way more information to it if I were to go way back to get the proper context for my trips but I'll leave that all out and basically simply include the information that I think might be interesting to fellow trippers.
The information which is different to the usual trip
I had been waiting about 2 months to trip on some mushrooms which you can buy here, my last trip had been really good and I looked forward to revisiting and reaffirming a similar space, that of the 'now'. I was waiting for an apt weekend when I thought that I had learnt enough since last time to do them.
I read http://www.erowid.org/plants/mushrooms/mushrooms_article3.shtml
a bit
I wasn't thinking of doing them on the friday but as events were transpiring I found myself halfway through the day in a slightly negative and self-conscious but very trippy headspace.
I decided to go right into the headspace which seemed to be a signal to do mushrooms (heh) and bought 60g of the mexicans hoping for a bit of a giggle (I did haiwaiins last time).
While it was an impulse I was following the signals though I also ignored the signals of seeing ambulances on my way too and from the mushrooms shop (while you may find this style of signals from the universe ludicrious it is an experiment to go where things carry me).
I tried meditating a bit but really my mind was a whirr of activity and some slightly anxiety as to what would happen; after waiting so long I was now totally impatient to get into the trip.
Well I didn't manage to totally let go of my ego and I felt quite sad and not calm or in the now. However, I started trying to write a poem about my aloneness and noticed the beauty of my ability to type, my fingers seemed to be moving with amazing grace and complexity and truly dancing over the keys.
An urge took me and I went over to my tabla drum which I bought about 6 months ago and have played perhaps twice. I was drawn to the drum
And I started playing, and playing and playing. I played for.... 5 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!! By the end my hands were totally bloated and at one point I thought they might explode (they were purple), I got worried of playing on but said that was stupid, hands don't explode from blood swelling and started playing again.
I would stop and play again and again never looking at the time, at the whole day that was going past as I continued to play in what must have been a total connection to something like the present as I was continually making new rhythms and sounds
The rhythms seemed absolutely amazing and I was almost convinced of myself as a genius, though I also realised something had taken hold of me and was showing me how to play, it was simply happening; the rhythms were simply happening.
I don't know if they sounded absolutely shite to an outside listener but to me it was like me tapping around the middle of the drum was trying to get through the now, it was me hitting the now; and also playing a song of reppresed tension and a desire for liberation which I never knew how to achieve. As such my playing was an expression of my emotions and feelings about many social situations which can become heavy around me. The playing expressed this anguish.
My stomach was turning and occasionally I would let out a great yawn and tears would well out of my eyes.
As I played the drum cross legged I saw myself as a character who had always been playing the drum, who would play it in the subway to beat out the time as people went past,
I had a total feeling of synthesia(sp? - when one sense becomes another) as the sounds of the playing were totally connected to the level of my being.
At one point I stopped playing and started scratching or turning my hands on the middle of the drum and this was like scratching my heart, or turning my heart and the whole horizontalism of the enviroment
A couple of times I would let things get quiet and then everything would go sooooooooo calm but I didn't seem to want to be in that space and would go back to playing
When it was calm it seemed like a couple of times the now was going to come and carry me but could not manage it.
This trip showed me visual hallucinations that I no longer thought were possible and I don't know what it showed me on a personal level, except that I am amazingly persistent
[actually maybe I was shown this that I didn't realise before!] and that I might need a hobby I went in with too many clear expectations but in the end they did not matter. I got an idea of what it is like to play something emotionally, and out of the void, and spontaneously without any time for thought whatsoever.
I certainly hoped that by playing this stuff I was getting out a lot of the pain I had felt on drugs but I don't know if that really happened (yet), the playing was so emotional, so heartfelt, so inspired - for no reason, I can't play very well now
It also showed me to actually let things go where they will, that perhaps it is not even about always trying to be happy or good but just going with them and see what happens.
I left the trip wanting to trip again fairly soon, but we will see how this rides out - I am no longer going to be so overly respectful of the shrooms that I ruin it through my expectations and not being able to relax because it is tooo special, or too awaited.
I also realised that I will have to simply learn the stuff in life that I learn for life and learn the stuff on trips that I learn on trips, I cannot go around trying to learn lots of stuff for trips in sobriety it doesn't really work like that. I will learn best by learning for life, and then that will come through more in the trip, if i try to learn for trips then I wont have learnt properly.
This wasn't an easy trip but it was pretty fun! while I was aware that playing the drum was a diversion to what was actually happenning that is what I wanted to do and so it is what I did do and I feel good about that
Drugs can be tools for some sort of enlightenment but I think it is worth having the attitude too of simply seeing where things will take you
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